Hello you all. I have posted on the "coming out" section of EC's forum...but since I'm new here, I was suggested that, since my coming out problem involves the fact that I'm married, it might be a good idea to post here as well. If I'm breaking any rule, please let me know and I'll gladly try to fix it. I explained a bit about my story here: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/trying-to-do-it-while-being-married.479504/ But in a nutshell: I'm in my early 30's, married with a lovely wife. Both of us come from a very conservative Christian background. I've always been gay, now I see that, but I hid this fact from myself for all my life. But now it's too obvious to me what I am. I'm comfortable with that fact that I'm gay and I came out to her. But she doesn't accept it. She thinks that, if I try hard enough, I'll be able to overcome this "sin". I'm not happy and, even though I love her and deeply care about her, I want to come out to everyone and live that way I am. But she keeps saying that I made promises to love her forever, protect her and grow old together...all the broken plans...they make me feel immensely guilty and I feel like crap. Hurting her is the only thing on the way for me to truly come out. And since I feel really guilty, everytime I think about being who I am, I think of her and that freezes me. So I'd like some advice - specially for someone (if there's any over here) who made the move and separated. How did overcome the guilt of the broken promises? Thank you for reading my story.
I saw your response to my p"on the brink" post As you might have gathered, I'm certainly no expert and no seasoned veteran in coming out or being gay or anything of the sort. That said, I think you know that being with your wife when she is unwilling to accept who you are, ends in a lot everlasting hurt and resentment. It will never be what it once was or what she once thought it was ever again. My husband is being truly wonderful in my journey, but even with that, we both realize that pretending and treating our marriage as though nothing is different is impossible. I know if I'm honest, it's clear that my husband and I haven't felt fulfilled or deeply happy for the majority of our 18 years of marriage, and we both can see the root of it now. Pretending anything different would just tear us in two eventually. I wouldn't tell anyone what to do, and certainly your wife deserves some time and grace to process this life-changing revelation, but honestly, can you see either of you being happy long-term pretending like things are as they were?
I did post there hehehe Well, answering the question you asked me: I honestly don't think that I'll be happy feeling how I feel (being gay and wanting to be out), but she's in denial. She's pretending that nothing's changed and it both saddens and annoys me. And I know I won't be able to stand that for much longer. But when I talk about it to her, saying that I'm gay and that I'll never be able to fulfill her...the way she cries just breaks my heart.
You have to let her go unfortunately, She will find someone who will love her equally and like wise , you can’t live your life in a lie.. the older you get ..it will continue to destroy you. She will thank you in the long run but you deserve happiness.. to feel fulfilled. You young so you have time to really live the real you . So do so .. we need to stop living for others and live for ourselves hav
I agree with the previous posts. The way I look at it is that many of us have been forced to be involved in a straight marriage because it is the societal "norm" or religious obligation to deter us from our homosexuality. By doing this, this culture, ignorantly, is unjustly hurting both sides, the man and the woman. They are both equally victims. Choosing to stay in a straight marriage while struggling with being gay will slowly consume you as you grow older, and leaving the marriage will cause, most probably, a shorter term trauma to the wife, who will hopefully recover from it and move on with her life especially if she is still young. My point is: please don't feel guilty! It is painful because you care about her, but if she loves you equally she will never intentionally hurt you by making you suffer by staying with her. I personally come from an abusive and manipulative marriage background, so tears and crying to me are nothing but forms of manipulation that I no longer accept. In your case it might be different, and those tears might be stemming from denial and hurt. Either way, they shouldn't be the decisive factors in your case. You should trace the pros and cons of each decision you can make; staying or leaving, weigh your options, then take a decision that you'd believe won't regret in the long term. But never sacrifice your own sanity, psychological health, nor your own well being in this equation. It is not all about how she feels nor about an oath that you made under a societal or religious pressure. Best of wishes
Thank you, @Nic2552 and @bearheart for your responses. It hurts me a lot, but from what I read from you and what I've seen elsewhere, leaving her is probably the best option, for both of us. Which doesn't make it any less painful... She loves me deeply and is really devoted to me. Those things make it all harder, because I feel like a jackass with no compassion. And it fills me with guilt. I'm truly not scared of what others will think when I come out (parents, relatives, friends, co-workers, etc), but I her suffering is what brings me to a halt. But at least she already knows that I'm gay. Somehow I feel like my coming out journey has already begun.
The journey has begun, and as someone on the forum said to me recently, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle now. Saying it to my husband was definitely the defining moment in accepting it for myself. I have only told three people including him at this point, but already I’m not as scared. I know your situation is a bit different than mine, particularly in that my husband has been unimaginably supportive, but he hurts, too, just as your wife does. Our spouses get to choose how they deal with this new reality, and we get to choose how to live authentic lives for ourselves. It’s going to be terrible for a while, but it will be worth it forever. (I’ve just now gotten to believing that )
No, I really can't put the back in the bottle, hahaha! And, even if I could, I don't think I'd ever want that - I've tasted some freedom already and it feels great! A few minutes ago I looked at myself in the mirror and I said " I am gay" out loud - boy, it felt gooood! I've told four people so far (my wife included). She's supportive in a sense, but always with the aim of staying together, married, living happily ever after. But I know I can't do that anymore. Neither to her nor to myself. I've been reading lots of stories over here and, for the first time in a loooong time, I'm started to feel there's some hope after all. So I'll try to stay positive! Thanks for reaching out to me, @jsm!
Here's the irony: When we come alive by choosing to live for ourselves, others benefit from our aliveness. Shed the shackles!!!
