Update, leaving the family home...

Hi @whattodo1 -
Yes, that is a big step, and I'm sure you've thought it through carefully. Still, there's doubt and the lure of the comfort of the known.

My path is different from yours in that I fully intend to stay with my wife, but I want to tell about my experience from a few weeks ago. I was falling back into old habits: not connecting with folks here on Empty Closets, not talking with my wife about my sexuality, just basically climbing back into a hole. One morning my wife said that I seemed distant and removed, and she thought I was depressed. She was right. And I realized it was because I was losing my courage and willingness to keep moving forward.

I suspect that even though you may have moments when you're sure you're making the biggest mistake of your life, you *have to* keep moving forward. Going backward, back into a hole is an option, but not a very good one.

Hugs love and light,
=Sevn

 

Hello
We may have spoken before.

You have to follow your heart. It's a big step moving out and living alone. But by what you have said, you seem to be on the right path.

I've been there
Came out bisexual Feb 2018
Moved out Nov 2018
It's been 5 months now and I've never been this happy in my 43 years on this Earth. I'm even about to co run a LGBT group! Organising meet ups! Meals, cinema etc.

I did struggle at first and only slept 3 or 4 hrs a night but I'm doing better now, even have a personal trainer, bought new clothes, grew a beard, joined a choir, apparently I can sing!!

Met a couple guys and realized I'm not bisexual I'm gay and proud!

Please follow your dream. You can still do family stuff and be there for your kids. I have three and see them regularly. I'm now out to two of them!

Jon

 

Hello!

My friend, you and I are in the same boat. I came out to my wife in December after three decades of marriage. We rarely fought and had many good times together. Yet I never felt sexually fulfilled either. My wife and I didn't see how I could live as a gay man and be married to her, so we decided on separation and divorce. We just sold our house. Next Monday I take possession of my little house and soon will be moved out to my own place.

I have to admit that I sometimes wondered if I was crazy to have thrown my comfortable life aside to embark on a completely new and unknown future. I also feared I might have made a mistake in coming out so late in life. Financially I am taking a major hit. Emotionally this has been a topsy turvy experience. Yet this is the chance I've longed for all my life - to finally live my life as an openly gay man. While I don't know what the future will be, there is no turning back. The die is cast! Now I am determined to make a new life for myself, even though I have no idea what it will be. I am truly excited at the list of firsts for me - first gay socials, then making some face-to face gay friends and hopefully dating, sex and a long term relationship. But even if I end my days living alone in a shack, at least I will not have to pretend anymore to my friends, family or myself. That by itself is liberating.

You can do it! The time you yearned for is near at hand. Take advantage of it and begin your new life with optimism and pride. Make this new chapter of your life wonderful and fulfilling. You deserve happiness! *smile*

 

Hi @whattodo1 -
Yes. I slept with a guy when I was in my 20's, well before I got married. I spent the night with him, then went to a vineyard harvest festival the next day with a group of his friends. I didn't feel like I connected with the guy other than sexually (e.g., emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, ... ) but I remember being really comfortable hanging out with this group of gay guys.

Do I understand correctly that you have not had experiences with men? That is, you feel the pull, but haven't acted on it? If that's correct, yeah, you're letting go of your marriage for an unknown, and I hope you'll do some serious introspection and hopefully some counseling first. Has your marriage been OK, other than feeling the gay attractions?

 

Hey

I identify as bisexual. So, it's a bit different for me. But, I'm not sure that the same sex desires are any less. I wrestled with the question of needing to leave my marriage in order to experience intimacy with a man...which I had never done.

I came to the brink of leaving my marriage. But, I finally came out and my wife and I decided to somehow integrate my sexuality into my marriage.

Being gay, I don't think our solution would work for you. Especially if what you really desire is to have a life with a man. This would eat at you forever. Sometimes it is best to take the leap and begin a life that is really yours.

I do know a number of gay men who used to be married to a woman...including my brother. Without exception they are all happier now than they were before divorcing. There is a broad variety of ways that they continue to be a part of their previous families. The kids seem to, actually, thrive on this.

One of the things we have to leave behind is this sense of what a life should be and how relationships and sexuality are a part of it. It's really your story. You may feel you are losing something. But, consider that you are losing something that may be more of a social construct than what is really your life to live.

 

Chip’s comments as usual are right on the mark. A huge change such as coming out as gay is both scary and exciting all at the same time.
Like you for a short period I said I was bisexual but in time I knew that there was no disguising that I really was gay nor was there any going back. I had by this time lost all interest in women. Rather than be a negative the no going back aspected helped me come to terms with being gay much quicker.
Finally saying once and for all I was gay was a watershed moment of fear, freedom, release, liberation, and concern for the future. All I can tell you it was all worth it. I am an extremely happy, extremely gay man in the best relationship of my life and proud of it. I wish the same for you and anyone struggling to find their authentic self, whatever it happens to be.

 

Kids thrive in a positive enviroment. An environment with little to no trauma.

 

Having only "occasional" benefits is a big flag toward some that needs attention, unless your both totally OK with it, and it seems clear you're not.

I think there's a huge bias in our culture toward newness and excitement. I can't think of any popular movies or shows that celebrate a couple engaging in decades-long passion.

If I may ask, for the sake of discussion, is there a possibility that you're on an ongoing pursuit of newness?

Full disclosure: my wife and I count 'benefits' in terms of how many times in a year, and we count on one hand.

 

Interestingly, I think I could have sex with my wife every week....and still, now that I realize the same sex attraction, it doesn’t seem....enough?

Now she actually doesn’t have the same drive, and that is something that keeps me from moving forward.....I wait around for when she feels into me, it’s good, and then...nothing. And I think of guys while I fantasize now instead of the women I used to.

 

For me as I started to acknowledge my same sex attraction I was still with my then GF. The few times we had sexual relations after my first experience with another man sex was ok but I felt nothing. Shortly after that I lost all interest in her or any women for that matter. My sexual and emotional evolution to men made intimacy with her impossible and frankly I didn’t miss it at all. I now have most robust sex life of my entire life with my BF and can’t imagine ever going back to those almost “mechanical”days.

 

@whattodo1

I went back a re-read your original post in this thread. It seems like your family is a big part of your identity. I suppose it is for all us....goes without saying maybe. You mentioned you are concerned about losing this life. We've already discussed how you need to live your authentic life as a gay man but fear the loss of this.

I wanted to ask about the practical side of how you have both your gay life and your family life. Is your wife open to some sort of a "blended" arrangement? By this, I mean where you and she each have your own lives outside of the central family core? When I came out to my wife she asked if I was gay. She was OK with this as long as we could still have our lives together. Our retirement travel plans, our skiing and biking and maintain our homes and lifestyle. Sort of like roommates. This was a moot point for us. Except, as it turns out we have ended up with an arrangement I never imagined as a possibility.

I think there are lots of ways to do this. If your wife needs a clean break then it might not be a possibility. But, if she can be creative too, then maybe there is a way for you both to move forward? Just tossing this out there.

 

Hi @whattodo1 -

That's brilliant, and I need to remember it. The continuity of thoughts and feelings is really important. This is NOT just waking up one day and thinking, "Gee I need some excitement in my life -- I think I'll decide to be gay". No! it's not that at all; this is a long-running thing.

My first thoughts to your question were, no I'm not satisfied. And I'm certain my wife is not satisfied. Deeper truth is that my wife always wanted sexual relations more than I did. Early in our marriage it was sort of a relief when I could get away with only one time a week. It was a relief during pregnancies to not have that obligation. I just explained that to myself as I'm just not a strongly sexual person and it's just not that important to me. Also my wife has put on a LOT of weight and I do not find her physically attractive. For the last 15 years my wife has been complaining of feeling neglected and rejected. Now it's making a lot of sense.

Here's the part that kind of freaks me out. Since last summer when I came out to my wife, we have been trying to re-establish our sex life. But I had been consistently unable to achieve satisfaction. Then a couple of weeks ago while having sex, I indulged in a gay fantasy. Boom! intense and full satisfaction!