Open Marriage for the LGBTQ spouse

You can express love in many different ways. Like supporting your wife dreams, career and hobbies. Be good to her friends, parents and siblings. Respect and understand her.Be her soulmate, forming a strong emotional bond with her.

 

What if you took away the label lesbian and just focused on your feelings as an individual? I find that I am sexually attracted to men in a lusty way and getting to know them can increase or kill the attraction. For my husband I still get turned on when I see his body but I am more attracted to him as a person, when we connect or if he says something I am more attracted to him.

With women I am a bit different, I'm like obsessed when I'm attracted to one. I can't seem to get over a friend from high school (this is 16 yrs ago now). I get overly excited when I think of her and just want to connect with her again. But I won't because even I am a bit creeped that I still think of her.

I'm now realizing that women are more of an emotional attraction that leads to a sexual one. And possibly even a stronger love than for men.

But when I use the word lesbian to describe myself it confuses the hell out of me and cuts off my feelings for guys (no idea why that happens).

 

I came out to my husband a couple of years ago. Sexually I prefer women but consider myself bi since I am still with my husband. We opened up our marriage and I met a woman who I guess you could say is my primary sexual partner now. My husband has no interest in bring with anyone but me.
I joined this group because sometimes it's just nice to know I am not the only one in this situation and with these feelings.
I don't know what I will do long term. We have 3 kids together and I just can't see ending our marriage for at least 4 years when 2 of them are in college. Maybe never ending it. We have a great partnership and raise our kids together. Yet, I care deeply for the woman I am seeing and would like to spend more time with her and maybe even date other women. That is a challenge with open marriages. It works but only if emotions don't get in involved.

 

I think this is the inevitable outcome.
Thing is, it has to at that point be a two way street. What's your married partner to do? Is he then free to have intimacy with other women, if not with you?
The truth is, I think many couples remain together in scenarios like ours for largely economic reasons. But we can't have it both ways. Sooner or later, we have to be honest with our spouses, children and ourselves, and separate.

 

You are correct about the economics of it all. Getting divorced seems very daunting. My husband is free to have (safe) sex with other women. He chooses not to.

 

My husband and I have two kids together but we haven't been intimate for 8 years and about a year and a half ago I came out to him.

I moved into a granny flat that's semi detached from our main house and apart from the sleeping arrangements and lack of sex we operate as a family. The kids don't know / realise the extent of the situation though.

I started dating a woman late last year and he was aware of it. It got to the point where I was staying at her place every second night which caused a little strain. Mostly fear in my husband over our parenting arrangement ending and a full separation and all it entails. He also wants to date others but is worried about how successful he will be when it comes to any women he dates being tolerant of our situation and not needing more.

As it turns out his concerns were right at least in my situation. She ended up needing more than I could give her and it resulted in the end of our relationship. I love her but she wanted me to be there to help her care for her kids, but to do so would have turned my own kids lives apart. I'm feeling pretty heartbroken by it all to be honest and wonder if all my relationships will end up like this

So so far in my experience having your ex / current partner agree to , and be comfortable with the situation is only half the battle. The other half will be with your new partner and their reaction and acceptance of your situation

 

You are correct. I have been dating a woman for a year and a half and for the most part she respects my family time. I don't even get to see her that often. I worry she doesn't date and is perhaps waiting for me and I don't know what the future holds.
Do you have a timeline how long you will stay in this situation or will it get to the point where divorce is the next step?

 

I honestly don't know. My parents did something similar (separated but still living together in separate rooms and openly dating) for about 6 years until my dad decided to remarry.

For me I'm not sure. I do know that being in the relationship with the woman i wad with was wonderful and opened my eyes to how lonely and empty i was before ...and I honestly don't want to go back to that lonliness now that I know what it's like on the other side. So I think if I get into a relationship and it's a good one then I will probably end my current situation. But it's so hard to judge and until I'm in that situation I'm not sure what I will do.

 

I would caution on open marriages and I'd say this even if it were a straight situation. Any time you introduce a 3rd. party to the bedroom on any level you risk your marriage. When my wife first came out to me I threw the offer on table first along with a buffet of other ideas and suggestions and I am just going to be completely honest. I think it was more out of an act of desperation to save my marriage then anything else. I think most guys would rather swallow that pill then loose the woman they love entirely. My wife made the choice to stay monogamous. That having been said after a few weeks of thinking it over I did have another talk with her. I confessed I was not actually ok with the open marriage idea.

She actually seem relieved I had that attitude. And while I felt good about that she said something that royally ticked me off. lol She thought I put it on the table for me more then her and I was like are you serious? lol I guess she thought I was having some typical guy fantasy and I had to ask. If that were the case don't you think I'd have asked to try that years ago? lol She was like well you got a point there. I told her neither of us like to share in that dept. and I am greedy when it comes to you. I even got a little funny and told her I am going to have a girlyman moment here and quote what Lois Lane once said to Superman. I am selfish when it comes to you. I am selfish and jealous of the whole world. lol Long story short we pretty much are the same with each other in that dept. which is why the open marriage idea was shot down. I will admit our religious belief system plays a part in that as well.

I did tell her however because I read a lot of stories about others experiences online and with some how their urges somehow pull them out of their marriage or even cause them to cheat. I'd rather go the road of an open marriage if this ever becomes the case vs a divorce. Right now she is at the place of I can control my urges and just want to acknowledge the fact I am gay, but I don't want to act on it. I told her fine if that ever changes down the road then talk to me about it then and we'll decide how to proceed from there. We left it at that.

My point being is your husband if he has any of the feelings I have had he needs to make sure he is mentally prepared to let this happen. I already know I am not ready for it. Took me two weeks to admit it to myself. He needs to be on board for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Anyone who says they are 100% ok with their spouse sleeping with someone else is not being fully honest with themselves. The best you can hope for is a solid 99% learning to live with it.

At the same time you need to ask yourself are you willing to risk your marriage. I ask that because while it works for some there are also some it has very damaging effects if your not prepared for the realities of it. The people it works for have themselves in the mental place in order to be able to deal with it. The people it don't ultimately do more damage and harm rather then good on their relationships.

The thing I'd ask myself in your shoes is can you do this and not get emotionally involved to a degree where it degrades your marriage. That is the biggest fear a spouse would have. To us we think in our minds even if we are told different that it's bad enough we are not looked at the same way we once were anymore, but we do not want to loose your heart. Really don't even want to share it. For us it's like that part at least should be ours.

As far as ground rules on how to go with it I think it's whatever is best for the spouse to be able to deal with. Like for me I couldn't slap my wife hi five while she runs off to a strangers house and say go have a good time honey. lol In my mind I'd think what if something happens and here I don't know where she is or if she is safe. So I would rather her bring company to the house if I had to deal with that situation. Even if it wasn't a situation I was involved in and she had to have it a one on one experience then I'd be like we'll set you up a room. You can have your own woman cave and that is yours. Have a field day. lol That way at least if she was in trouble I could get to her in time.

Now for some that would be harder to do, but for me I can go put a movie on in the man cave or play a game or something. Anything to not think about it. Personally I think if it's just about sex I have the opinion of it's something you want to explore together then in my opinion threesomes would be the way to go. Even if it's just a thing of the guy watching. However and playing devils advocate here the argument would turn to the well it's not about me it becomes about us or you. And my rebuttal to that would be it stopped being about any one person at the I do point and stage of the game. Your either exploring together or you flying solo at this point.

I've had these hypothetical conversations with my wife and really I'd say I am at a 60/40 place with it right now. Part of me wants to say do whatever and you go have fun with that and the other part says I'd rather you just break my heart and call it a day. Give me the big FU and go live your life and forget about me. Sufficed to say Option B got me in trouble. I am not allowed to bring up Option B anymore. lol

It really hard to advise you because every couple is different. I would say the first step is really deciding what can you and what can you not absolutely deal with. I think once you figure that out then laying the ground rules of how you want to go on after that becomes much easier. For me personally I am not in ground rule laying place because of how my emotions are all over the place inside right now. If your husband is in an emotional place where he feels like he can handle it then I would start off with making that list you both can agree on and find out what works for the both of you.

Anyway I hope this helps in some way. Best of luck with it. I think as long as you both can stay focused on what is important between your two then you should be fine provided you have the right mentality for it. Especially with him provided he'll be the one making the sacrifice and taking all the risks because make no mistakes. If you fall for the other person he is the one risking loosing everything. So I'd definitely make sure your marriage is strong before crossing that bridge. Good luck.

 

Hi I'm Jake glad I stumbled on this thread I am Bi and out to my wife and lately been having urge to be with and have time with a guy is this wrong to feel this way ?

 

Not wrong to feel what you feel.