I need some guidance on mixed orientation relationships please.

I need some guidance on mixed orientation relationships please. I am looking for the answers. I am a straight man in a mixed orientation relationship/marriage and looking for information on the subject. Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated. We have decided we wanted to make our marriage work. We are keeping it monogamous. I want to know how to succeed. Not fail. There is more then enough stories about that on the internet. From our research couples in our situation have a 40% success rate. Yet there is not enough information out there on how they did it.

I shared my story some with this young lady in this thread if anyone wants to read it.
https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...o-friend-and-“boyfriend”.478278/#post-6659624
Not sure how well my advice giving skills are in this moment given this is all fairly new to me and even I am still processing and needing of advice myself. lol

That having been said. I know having a monogamous mixed orientation relationship is an up hill battle for anyone. It's hard enough dealing with day to day issues as it is. Yet I feel like anything I am saying and doing to try and help is wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be the best for her I can possibly be. I want her to be happy. I want to be fair to her. I don't care if I suffer in process. If that is what it takes then that is what it takes. I know we have romance, fiery passion when we are together and everything is good with the one acceptation. When the spark isn't lit there is the attraction and thoughts towards women. She doesn't have to tell me she is conflicted. I can see it. I can feel it in her. I just don't know how to help her. How to be what she needs me to be for her.

She has told me she loves everything about our life. She does not want to give it up. We feel we have the perfect life together. She loves me. When we are together it is great. She just doesn't know what to do about the feelings she has been having. From what I understand and recently read in another thread some one mentioned it's not uncommon for women to become more attracted to each other as they get older. However these feelings have caused her to question things over her entire life time and based off some questionnaire she read of questions to ask her self she has come to the determination she is gay. Now I admit for me this is a hard pill to swallow because when we make love it is a very passionate experience for us both and in that moment we desire each other intensely. Which is an accomplishment in itself even just for pure straight couples.

That being said there is a natural fear I will wake up one day and that my reality will shift yet again. Now being selfish of course I and currently we do not want this happen. Yet I don't know how I can be the best for her that I can be anymore. For the first time in my life I literally do not know what to do. I've always been her rock and right now the rock feels broken and helpless. I've always tried to be the hero of her story. I just don't know how to be that hero anymore.

It is my hope and I am looking for hope and some light at the end of the tunnel to learn how other people have managed to make their relationships work and make the person they love the happiest they can be. Thank you all for taking time to read this. Be safe and stay blessed.

 

Hey Nerdbrain,

Thank you. I actually did make her that offer of an open relationship if that was what she needed to do to figure things out then maybe we need to consider that. At first I think she took it wrong and thought I was meaning let's change it as if it was something I wanted myself. She was firm with me on the monogamy and I told her I didn't make that offer lightly and nor was it for my benefit since I literally am getting nothing from it. Then I got questioned if I wanted one and I told her no. Using her words she told me she is either one or the other. She'd rather push her thoughts out of her head. I told her my concern is I am not sure it is that simple anymore and when I make my suggestions on things maybe we should consider it is not for my benefit. I am not wrestling with my sexuality. I am making suggestions I think would help you figure out if you are. I'd have to agree that I feel like she is still in that questioning phase.

However when I say that she will go in to set in stone mode and say I know I am. Then I say fine I am not going to be that spouse who says are you sure and all the cliche things that come along with it, but you came out in the middle of a heated conversation between us and started off with bi-sexual and then told me gay because your mainly attracted to women. Started off as trying to figure things out to your sure because you took some questionnaire on some LGBT web site and whatever answers you asked yourself because it said that means your gay that you are. I am like do you have any idea how this sounds? I have had a lot of close gay friends in my lifetime and your coming out to me is unlike any coming out experience I have ever heard before in my life.

You tell me your not sexually attracted to me anymore, but yet when we are together it's like fire and passion. And that's where in my mind I feel like she is unsure because and correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn't that be kind of hard to have that in your relationship if a person is completely gay? She wants to sound sure as if she is set in stone, but my gut and this is where I have to tread lightly is I am not entirely convinced she is sure herself. Maybe I am wrong, but I am not sure same gender attraction always means exactly that a person is gay. I am leaning more toward gay or bi-curious if anything. Yet I can't say these things to her I feel because it will make me the spouse who is trying to convince her of this or that. Which really I want to do is help her figure it out.

And like I told her. Ok your gay. I've asked you if you wanted out. You told me no. I've asked you if you wanted an open relationship or more to the point my permission to go be with a woman. You don't want that. I even suggested and this is where I actually kind of got a side order of butt hurt just a tad because ever since I known her she would not watch an adult movie with me or otherwise. She didn't like them. Hasn't watched one since her college days. Come to find out she had been watching same sex adult movies when I was either a sleep or not home and from how I understand it she read some where if she watched a same sex adult movie and the reaction was she got aroused that meant she was gay.

I am actually really curious on that note where she's been getting her information from at this point. Between that and the questionnaire I actually had to make a joke and which thankfully she had to laugh because I was like please don't tell me your reading Cosmopolitan or some magazine like that. lol I explained that being the one hearing this and taking this all in I just don't think this is something you can determine so simply. I would imagine it takes a fair bit of soul searching to do. Maybe I am wrong, but I would think it's a big step for anyone really.

So after finding out she had been watching these movies and after getting over the fact she told me she been watching them while I was gone I offered to watch with her if she liked because I read myself that some couples in my situation use that as an outlet. I'll be danged if I do and danged if I don't, but she got mad at me for that. Now I am being told that would make it a instead of her exploring thing to a us thing about our marriage. I am like technically speaking that ship sailed when we said I do, but I don't have to be included. I actually told her ya know you were concerned about my acceptance, but it seems or feels to me maybe I should be concerned or worried because this feels like I am dealing with some form of some discrimination for lack of a better term on this matter because anything I suggest to incorporate in to that part of our lives your going to say no to. So if that is the case then I get it. Message received loud and clear.

I apologized and told her you really are giving me nothing to work with here. So I don't want to be the guy that pressures you in to anything. I gave you my suggestions. You have any of your own I will be glad to hear them. She thanked me and asked me what is wrong with just acting like how everything was before. I told her my concern is and going by your analogy that you are indeed gay is you waking up 10 years down the road and end up hating and resenting your choice to be with me. So if we are truly going to give this our best then it I need to make sure your getting everything you need out of our relationship as best as I can.

The only thing I have done so far since is wait for her to come to me if there is anything she wants to discuss about it. She keeps asking me how I feel all the time. We have been fairly honest and up front with each other about our emotions as we are processing them. That being said I am more concerned about her feelings and emotions then I am my own at this point. I have no disillusions that I am taking a big risk at loosing everything and in a very real sense playing with fire by giving her the choice to step outside of our marriage. It's not something I personally want. And neither does she really, but I told her that may change. Neither of us ever expected to have this conversation. So I told her my concern is and always will be what is best for her and not me.

My fear and main concern is that I want to make sure she stays with me for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. I don't want to loose her, but I do want to make sure she is fair and true to herself in doing so also. So far I think that is where we are at right now on this. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I appreciate it.

 

Thank you so much everyone for your insights. I actually feel better this morning after having read them. We had a breakthrough yesterday and I think I understand her fears a bit more. I did have to laugh what what you said Chaosbi about being pushy. We've actually had conversations about that. lol I am not gonna say I don't have my pushy moments, but she definitely holds that title. lol We'll like be sitting over breakfast or something and she's trying to get me to discuss my feelings and I will either say like, "Can I wake up first?", or I will just point at my cup of coffee I am drinking and hold my hand up like a stop sign letting her know like let me get threw the first cup before ya hit me with complicated questions. I am brain boot up. lol

I said to her one time ya ever notice how the rules for men and women are not stacked in our favor? lol Think about it if a man is pushy he is wrong and needs to give the woman space, but if a woman is pushy the man is suppose to open up about it and discuss his feelings. We didn't get a fair deal on that at all. lol

Other reason I laughed as because the way it started was I actually caught myself on that and apologized to her yesterday for it though I used the word overzealous. I was like I realize we are suppose to be taking things one day at a time and here I am hitting the warp speed button and going all Clark W. Griswold on you trying to catch up to where you are. lol I mean another day later I probably would have showed up with one of those pretty little rainbow color flags I see all the time going look at what I found honey. lol

Just I feel like the piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit anymore sometimes and it's not like I have the option of stepping in to the magic man to woman machine in order to switch back and forth for you so that's out of the question. I think the frustrating thing for me is I told her is that when I do my research I have to literally weed threw so much political propaganda for lack of a better term it is infuriating. I mean from my point of view the issue of homosexuality has been an issue from as far back as the Biblical times and as a human race I am thinking we don't have any better information out there then this? lol I can find a debate on it in 2 seconds though. lol Which for someone like me is not helpful because I can poke holes in any debate regardless of the side and find the middle ground on it. Which for me I always feel that is the problem in the world today is everyone wants to be right and no one wants to accept the realities we live in and find the common ground to unite on.

She felt like I was over loading myself trying to take in to much information all at once rather then a little at a time. I couldn't argue that. She was right. That being said she talked with me some explaining what she meant more about suppressing her feelings or what it meant when she said that because she wasn't even sure if those words were the correct ones. It wasn't an issue of that she wanted to ignore that she was gay. It was more of an issue of not wanting to act on it for a few reason. She admits she isn't sure if it came down to the actual act if she would or would not like it. Her fear was that if she did like it she may like it to much that she wouldn't want to ever be interested in me in that way at all.

The other more important issue was when we make love for us it's an emotional thing. The reason she didn't like when I essentially gave her the option that she could seek out a female partner outside of our relationship if that is what she needed to do was for one for her it's one partner and one lover for life (Which to be fair we both believe that and making that offer was not by any means an easy thing for me to do which I think she probably knew that already.) and she didn't want to risk introducing another person in to her life because she doesn't believe in that and did not ever want to risk the possibility of falling out of love with me and in love with someone else. To be honest I was really speechless at this point. I think it was at that point I finally understood and for that moment all the insecurities I had been feeling about loosing her washed away. I didn't feel alone anymore. She had just made a very valid point. That is a risk anyone takes if they step outside of their relationship. She told me the fact I was to willing to sacrifice so much made her love me even more.

So I told her maybe I should pause play for a little bit and let you work just out what you need to and then come to me when your ready. Maybe we are not ready to take this journey together just yet and I get I am trying to incorporate in to that side of your life because it's the first time we haven't been in perfect sync and I been trying to figure where I fit in, but before I can do that you should work out more what exactly it means for you. If you feel nothing has to change and it's just a case of maybe being more community involved then I am ok with standing by your side in doing that. If it's an issue of you just not wanting me in that part of your life at all I can't say it wouldn't hurt and I can't say I would even understand, but what I can tell you is this. I'll support you. I love you. I trust you. I will always trust you. I believe in you and I believe in us.

After that and sharing an extremely emotional moment we went about the rest of our day as usual with one acceptation. It occurred to me that between dealing with this issue and work issues we had and family that a vacation was in order. So I surprised her with the idea of finding a nice cozy spot curled up next to a camp fire by a lake and she was all for it. So that is what we did and are doing for the weekend. I think the break is doing us some good actually. So that's kind of where we are at right now with everything so far.

To answer some of the questions I was asked. As far as I know she is not doing counseling or any therapy. I believe she is speaking with someone she knows with similar issues. I couldn't really say what they discuss. I haven't really asked her to much about it. I did come across the Straight Spouse Network in my search.

Ok I had actually started this reply early on Sunday morning and I'll try to collect my thoughts and finish it today. She woke up and our day got started before I expected it to. lol That being said I'll say the weekend went very well. I did notice though since I stopped talking about it with her the less I mention or bring anything up regarding it the more she has. For the most part I listen and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself.

At one point and I don't even remember what I said that sparked it, but had to laugh inside because I think this was where being a guy worked against me. lol I'd give fairly simple responses and out of the blue she gets semi worked up and thinks I am not taking this seriously. I had to stop her right there and explain it's not that I am not taking it seriously. I am listening to you. Remember I am the one looking from the outside in. I can only tell you how it seems to me. Your the only one who can answer any of what is going on in side of you. All I can really do is love you. I am doing that.

I told her I don't really see the point in saying how I feel or what I think at this stage because I've done that. All we do is go in circles. I don't really want to give my opinion any more because I don't want what I say to influence your thinking on this. You need to come up with the answers on your own. I feel anything I say will be wrong and being honest your not really open to what I have to say on it. My wanting to get closure on it any time soon is obviously not going to happen if your still trying to work things out in your head as it is. I backed off for a reason. So you could figure it out. So figure it out. Until then I can only really listen to how you feel and what your going threw and try to be understanding about it.

I think a lot of what she is going threw is partially not just on the sexuality side of the house, but the romantic side as well. I say that because when we did talk I asked her some hypothetical questions and I am not sure I will word this right, but when I asked regarding a man she answered one way and answered quick. When I asked the same exact questions and swapped genders to a woman she kept having to pause and think about it. I told her in my opinion that is not a good sign. My romantic emotions for you have nothing to do with your gender.

I think she has an issue with separating romance from being gay because she showed me the definition she read on the human rights web site and I told her that's the general definition yes, but you will see that under straight as well. What they are saying is that yes you can be gay and have a romance with the same sex. It is very much part of it. Romance is part of relationships period. Doesn't matter if your gay or straight. Romance is all about connecting to the person and how you feel for them.

I could be wrong and something I don't think I mentioned that made her coming out an even harder blow was and this may be relevant is she had been having fantasies about a female co-worker who is straight and married she is friends with. She says she doesn't anymore, but well let's just say I have chosen to leave that alone for now. The most we discussed about that is she offered to leave her job because of it. I told her thank you, but no. I mean what happens if ya took a new job and ran in to this situation again? Ya still have to face it. And honestly if our relationship is that weak then we shouldn't be together. I asked her if is was that weak. She said no. I was honest and told her it makes me wonder what course of events would have taken place had that woman been gay and single.

It really does open a door for a lot of questions and some of the questions I did ask she can't really answer. She can profess love and mean it to me, but I also feel I am on shaky ground. I tried putting myself in her shoes. If I woke up one day and had a self revelation I was gay I could rock and roll with it. Ok I am gay. I like guys. I still love and desire my wife like I did the first day we met. The end. It's nice. It's neat. I put it in a little box and there it is. lol Maybe I am just simple like that. I don't know. lol

The other side of the coin is she is a very emotional person. Every time she hits the decade mark of her life span she goes in to this big self evaluation questioning phase about life and this and that. I even asked her did you even consider the possibility it is that as well. Even if not solely I think it's definitely a big part of it. So it's something to think about as well.

Going back to the question of therapy Nerdbrain and DecentOne mentioned I believe. I got to be honest I thought about that hard. I didn't want to recommend it. I was afraid of the cliche response of I don't need therapy just because I am gay. lol Well this weekend I did bite the bullet. I did very carefully bring it up. I don't think it mattered how I said it to be honest because I did get the cliche response. lol So I had to attempt to put it in terms that would take her out of defense mode. So I told her I am just saying and all I am saying is I may not be the right guy to talk to about all of this and that it is perfectly ok to talk to someone who is trained professionally who can help you sort threw all of this.

Well she double backed on me with a question of her own. And what if they say I should leave you? Would you still tell me to go see them? I didn't hesitate in my answer. I said yes. I understood what her fear was. We both feel a lot of times and mainly with couples therapy that it does more harm then good because usually those people end up in a divorce. I told her thought it was a risk I am willing to take because we're not asking them to help fix us. We're asking them to help you sort threw some of your stuff. Do I like the idea? Not really. I like the idea of you being on shaky ground even less. And the reality is this. Is choosing what is best for you kills me in the long run then I loose. Every single time. Your my priority and I am sorry. That's just how it is. So if talking to someone who isn't me for the first time helps you. Then I am telling you I am ok if you decide to do it.

Long story short she basically thanked me and finally understood what I was trying to say and said for now she wants to try and make sense of everything in her head first before considering that avenue. I ended it off with saying basically that whatever you decide to do is perfectly fine. I just thought it might be relevant and worth mentioning is all. We more of less went about enjoying the rest of the day after that.

The Straight Spouse Network L8bloomer mentioned to be honest I should probably look in to that. At the time I came across it I didn't fairly read over what it was. I kind of judged it by the name and had this jacked up mental image of a bunch of straight spouses in a room sitting in a circle on chairs griping about their gay spouses and I just wanted no part of that. lol I didn't seriously give them a fair shake and because you mentioned that I actually plan to give them another look.

I guess I am trying to for lack of a better term navigate the waters very carefully. The reality is if it were anyone else I wouldn't give them coming out a second thought. Now because of it being my spouse and who she is to me I have to actually think about it. Anyone else I'd pat them on the back or hug them and say hey whatever makes you happy and floats your boat. If you like it then I love it. lol Sort of a relaxed attitude like Adam Sandler has in Big Daddy when he says they're still our brothers. Just our very very gay brothers. I've even used that line once or twice before myself too. lol

I think I am more concerned about the actual shaky ground in the romance department and the fantasies she had admitted to having a while back. In other words the main concerns I have I would still have if it were a straight situation and I do not feel it has anything to do with feeling she is gay. Even though she says we are stable and that's not changed I do not feel we have the same stability we once had. In that area I do feel like I have done something wrong and that it is me. She says it isn't, but it's really hard not to feel that way. I probably won't feel secure in that until she is in a place where she can answer the same questions regardless of gender with the same convictions she once had before.

Maybe I am wrong in thinking that. I just don't feel gender plays a role in love and romance. I didn't fall in love because she was a woman. I fell in love because of her heart and her soul. How she loves. How big her heart is. How she tries. Who she is. Aspects I could go on all day about that not once did any of that her being a woman or gender ever come to mind when it happened. So when she puts it all in one bowel as if it's the same thing that's a very hard concept for me to process and understand. I've just never heard anyone do that before in my life ever.

Anyway I know this is kind of a long winded read. So I am going to cut it off here. I do want to thank you all for your responses and giving me a lot to think about. If I missed anything I'll try and get to it in the next response. Have a great day and stay blessed everyone.

 

Thanks. @L8bloomer I think the fear and reason behind being harder with her in that has more to do with being afraid she is looking at me differently. I am concerned in that some how that may have changed. While she says she doesn't it's hard for me not to wonder it. There are just so many variables that come in to play in my head I have basically tried not to think about them.

Also on your second point. She said something similar too and I get the point both of you are saying on that. My response to that was basically that in general you have to be attracted to someone on some level anyway. Most times for a lot of people yes it's physical, but also that's all in how you see the person in your eyes. Some people it can be the persons heart and soul. I told her jokingly if I was elephant man ugly let's be honest I might not have gotten to the first date. lol To me in general I think that rules applies regardless of gender because your attracted to the person. Something about that person did it for you. If that weren't the case then I wouldn't be standing where I am still. Because by definition if it did then I still wouldn't be in the game.

As for your question do I think I could fall for a guy? I can actually answer this because I've played the what if game before with some friends back when they as they put where trying to bring me over to the dark side. lol Naturally I would say no, but never know. I may wake up one day and have an epiphany of my own one day. lol My criteria is very high though. He would have to be a really nice looking man for starters. I mean we are talking about one seriously handsome dude. Nice dresser. Great kisser. Needs a job. Very very important. lol He'd have to understand I am the Alpha male. I couldn't go Beta if I tried. lol I don't mind if he has bigger muscles then me because I would need him to be able to do all the yard work I wouldn't feel like doing. lol Plus if my feets hurt from long walks in the park then I need him to be able to carry me where ever we go. So muscles are very very helpful in this department. lol

On your third point I think I can definitely see some similarities. We have always had that what happens to one happens to both mentality and I know she doesn't like that I am quiet now about it and trying to deal with it all in side my own head. I get that. I feel bad because I get upset with her when she pushes me in to a conversation about it. I tell her if she wants to discuss how she feels then I am fine with it. I just don't want to talk about what I think any more or how I feel because I am still very much in the licking my wounds phase of it all trying to accept and adept to the new reality you have given me. Talking about it makes it worse for me in actuality. I get angry again because I feel like I am the last person to know and all this other stuff enters my head I am either hurt or angry about and I don't want to feel that way towards you. I told her I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want these feelings. I'd rather spend my time and energy showing her I love her then waste energy on that.

Maybe I am wrong, but I just don't see the point. We decided to stay together. Staying monogamous. We decided to keep everything as it is. I told her she had every choice in the world on how to reshape things and she chose to keep things as they are. I don't know what else to say or do about it. One minute she wants to act like everything is as it was before we had the big talk and the next she wants to talk more about it. I did joke and tell her I have a new found respect for the ping pong ball because all this going back and forth on it makes my head hurt some times. lol I just don't know sometimes what she expects me to say or do. I think I am pretty much in a darned if I do and darned if I don't situation right now. lol Doing my best to hang in there though. lol

Thanks so much for the advice and insight. I really do appreciate it. I think reading the point of views you have and everyone else has definitely helped me out with processing a lot of this. So thank you so very much for that. Thank you all.

 

I had a question and rather then posting a new thread I just figured I'd ask it here and give the update in the same thread to keep it all condensed. Currently we are at the stage where we have chosen to keep things monogamous. Her attitude in a nutshell is I just want to acknowledge I am gay and attracted to women. I don't want to act on it. I want to focus solely on us. I don't know whether I should feel good or bad about that. So my question is should I be concerned?