Extreme anxiety about sex with a man

I think that anyone attempting an intimate relationship for the first time in real life comes with a ton of anxiety. Every time I have ever been with someone I get that fear. Biggest thing is that you know it’s there.

I am a bottom myself and there are so many things that run through my mind before I’m intimate with someone for the first time. But I find that once we get close and start kissing and other things it disappates pretty quickly. Much like once you board the plane and it takes off and your in the air, and the air is smooth and your just along for the ride.

I hope you can over come it. And you get to enjoy what you wish to enjoy.

 

It seems like this all becomes one big thing for you. That attraction to a man means kissing, touching, anal sex then becoming submissive and losing your manhood.

It's too much to take in one large bite. Nibble at it a bit maybe.

Go for coffee with this guy and ahead of time be clear that you will not hook up...just coffee. And, stick to that rule. Maybe the next time just touch or sit closer.

TBH, if a man told me he wanted to go really slowly it would be a turn on for me. I bet you can find a guy who feels the same and you can build up to it.

To get over a fear of flying, you don't take a ride on a fighter jet.

(Although that sexual connotation is sort of a turn on too)

 

This made me shoot soda out my nose! Lol

 

Out of everything you said... this really jumped out at me. It’s such a simple phrase but carries so much weight. Like it takes a man to complete certain actions (which is ridiculous because I mean women really are like super heroes I mean try having a tooth pulled without numbing then think about that compared to giving birth). But in this case the very problem is your connection with being a man and being with a man. Take sex out of it. Just enjoy the company, enjoy the talk, enjoy the eye candy... if there’s a touch or hand holding or kiss just feel the emotion with that. Sometimes we jump from A to Z and it causes a lot more stress. Try to take the steps

 

I’ve only very recently experienced sex without shame leading up to, during, and after, and just yesterday had my first repeat sex partner. We hooked up Friday after meeting at a bar and then had more drinks and conversation Saturday. The fact that we had so much in common being longtime closeted gay men helped, along with maybe the drinks and of course how HOT he is, but it took til our fifth go-round before he flew out today for me to have no nerves. I won’t be seeing him again for a long time if ever, so we’ll see how the nerves are with the next dude.

 

Yes I have experienced anxiety like this and still do. I think anxiety about becoming intimate with someone is actually pretty normal ... there's always some element of risk involved as you are making yourself vulnerable. It sounds like you let your thoughts get a bit ahead of the situation and you start imaging scenarios that may or may not happen, which I would venture may be a mental habit of yours to make yourself anxious. The thing is you have control over your thoughts, so if you're telling yourself something that is making you anxious you can counter it with thoughts that calm you down. You illustrated it perfectly with your airplane analogy ... except you (interestingly) omitted that after "you feel an uncomfortable panic set in" you tell yourself "air travel is safe, the people know what they're doing and how to handle unforeseen situations, and it's work the miniscule risk to get to that great place I want to go!" You can get over the anxiety and the way to do is to learn new psychological skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions and not let them throw you off track.

 

I have never acted on my curiosity; partly out of nerves and partly because I wonder if I simply like the IDEA of it more than actually trying it.

It seems that some people can hook up with anyone (male, female or both) and not give it a second thought. They are a "jump in the deep end of the pool" type.

Others, like me, are more a "toe in the water" type.

Perhaps you need to have a connection with the other person where you feel comfortable with them and feel you can trust them. That person would be patient and willing to go slowly with you while respecting your boundaries. That is the only way I could ever see acting on my curiosity...

 

I have a similar issue. I have tried hooking up with men in the past, and it induces major panic. Not just normal panic but like full on makes me wonder if I've been abused or something. I emotionally and physically tense up really badly. Never happened with a girl - even when I'm nervous with a girl it's not like panic attack nervousness - also have a similar issue when watching scenes in movies where people touch and I feel like they're touching me or something...

 

sorry, but ass cinemacins' official #1 fan, i have to sin this as *ding* pun. also, this phobia could be caused by your raising, i am just as scared as you are, because i was raised in the south, out in the boondocs, as a redneck hick. in my family and area, homophobia was basically the status quo, therefore, i was raised as a bit of a homophobe in the traditional sense

 

It's natural to be apprehensive my friend. You've never had any real intimacy with another guy. I am in the same boat. I've dated women and have been married a long time. You just need to take things slow with a prospective date. Be yourself and don't overthink this. Think to yourself that you will have a good time. Every guy has been in this situation before. So don't stress. It will happen. *smile*

 

Its funny because when I was not out I had no problem hooking up but now that Im out I feel anxiety myself.Its an interesting dynamic.I think its because we think just because we are out sex should just happen from every corner in the community.I choose to take it slow.Baby steps.Then my sex life and my bottom needs will be satisfied eventually.

 

I agree so much and this is another reason I'm anxious! I have done the stupid thing and built it up in my head and now I don't know what to expect...

 

I think the sexual desire is just stronger than our programming. I guess that's why for me it all started with massage. I was shocked the first make massage to be turned on when the man initiated by intamacy. I then saught m4m massage in hopes that he would initiate something. I never had to initiate, make the first move. I used to flee from a session and deny it, literally for years. Then one day I just said he'll, I except this. It's after selfself exceping, where to go. That's where I'm at now anyway.

 

I used to be afraid of bottoming, it seemed like it was a violent act. This was mostly down to my first time with a man which wasn't great. That has all changed now.
I also used to have reservations about kissing a man but I thought, I like kissing and women like kissing men so it can't be that bad.

 

Good for you for not getting into your nerd brain beforehand and enjoying an experience! What did you learn? How did you come about having this date?

 

Interestingly enough, your Eeyore picture made me think of something I experienced in therapy - I constantly have pain and exhaustion and pressure in my head, and my therapist (and I) potentially think a part of it is that the gay part of me is perpetually hanging his head in shame.