Open Marriage for the LGBTQ spouse

To answer your questions:

My wife initiated the conversation. She suggested I do a little "light" exploration. This included having gay or bi friends for "boy play" only. I was not to have intercourse. So, we set up rules.

A bit later (six months) she found a receipt for condoms in my car and asked if I was having an affair. I was only using them for oral sex. I told her I wanted to have an "affair" and she agreed but only under circumstances that she could evaluate at the time...ie she needed to approve the guy. I confided sometime later that I don't like casual hookups much at all

I met a guy, who was a lot younger, who was only going to be in the area for a few months and I was very drawn to him and my wife "approved" an affair. He and I remain very close but he is travelling abroad. I, recently, met another guy that I am now having an affair with that will, likely, be a long term arrangement. He is a lot younger also.

So far this has been working. But, I am very careful of the men I get close to. I pick guys that are a lot younger. Too young, really, for my wife to worry I will run off with one. I am just a very practical guy about relationships. I think another married guy like me could work, but single middle age guys I, generally, avoid. I also avoid guys that only want sex.

This latest arrangement I have agreed to a one weekend a month thing with an occasional booty call. The trade off is that I am really attentive to my wife the rest of the time. I'm pretty well off financially and only work part time. I don't know how I would have managed this dual life twenty years ago when I was juggling a lot more of the "real life" issues. There would not have been the time.

 

@weary what brought on that conversation, and do you trust him to not change his mind. I was tempted to bring this subject up with my husband recently when he ask me to if was satisfied. I told him the truth I do enjoy sex with him but not always and I liked different things( meaning women). I didn’t disclose that detail but he said he wanted to talk more on that. I feel we are opening up more to one another, if he was okay with it that be ideal.

 

Question: In these open marriage scenarios are you still intimate with your spouse? Right now I am not interested in intimacy with my husband and an ideal open marriage would be co-parenting and being friends but no intimacy with the husband but exploring my feelings toward women.

 

I give him credit for trying... whether this is something he can truly be ok with, is another story. You know a bit about my story... my husband “approved” of me exploring with a woman friend with whom I’d been intimate previously. Honestly for a while it was pretty great. And strangely (or not so strangely) I felt a bit more attracted to my husband. I think I was just happier with life in general and finally, finally getting to have a release for my desires. It went south with emotions - jealousy, trust, commitment stuff. My questions for you would be (assuming your husband could deal with it): 1) how would you go about seeking a woman? Many lesbians aren’t looking to hook up with a married woman. 2) do you think you could be ok with just the sexual aspect? Or do you also long to be in a committed relationship with a woman? 3) this could have the possibility of keeping you happy and therefore content to stay with your husband, or could increase your desire to leave, especially if you meet someone and really fall in love. Good luck to you because I wouldn’t be opposed to the open marriage option either, if you can get it to work, great!

 

You wrote that quote in a different thread a couple months back.
Has he calmed down / opened his mind... or is he setting you up?

 

Then what you describe is not a marriage but a parenting arrangement. It sure sounds as if you are totally embracing your lesbian self.
Good for you, if your honest with your feelings and want to be with another woman then don’t pretend to be married to a man. As a lesbian nothing prevents you from coparenting with your ex. You both will he happier in the end and your children loved and nurtured by both parents just not husband and wife. Personally I think the whole idea of marriage straight, gay or otherwise is slowly becoming passé for next generations.

 

@weary I understand the years together, I’m glad he opening up more and trying to understand your sexuality. It sounds like you and your husband have come a long way and still a long way to go. I agree communication would have helped but everyone has to process and accept things at their own pace. Probably wouldn’t hurt like @Nickw said to have some rules and arrangements if you plan on staying together. I’m working on that with my husband as well, I feel like we haven’t talked really talked in so long. Things have changed a lot since we’ve been talking with him not smothering me 24/7/365. Hoping the best for you, you deserve happiness .

 

Your husband is your lover, not your bestfriend. You don't have sex with your best friend.

 

i highly recommend reading the book More Than Two. it is great for any and all types of relationships, monogamous, poly, open.. it has even had me reevaluate my place in friendships and my expectations with family etc. it is well written and full of great advice. personally, the audio version on audible is my favorite.

 

Open marriages can work, but it takes sooo much work from both people to be able to get to a place where you know what you want/need and you can calmly communicate that to your partner.

From what I have read, it seems like you guys are still dealing with your coming out. I would be hesitant to open a relationship while you are all going through so much internally. It really does sound that you are both trying to come up with way where you don't have to leave each other, but it sounds like he wants that more than you.

If I were you, I would focus on being out as a lesbian first before deciding on whether to open up your marriage. Go to the meet up, get friends who are lgbt, hang out with them alone and with your husband. See if he can handle that part of it all, because one thing you cannot do is make this a secret arrangement from everyone. Secrets make a fantastic place for shame to grow and destroy a relationship.

When you feel your husband gets to a place where he is comfortable in the knowledge that he is married to a gay woman, then you can start talking about what an open relationship would look like for you all.

I don't think you guys trying to make it work is the craziest of things. I hope that if me and my husband ever decide to part ways that I can be part of his life in some way for the rest of times. Nothing sounds sadder than partying ways completely. If you both can make it work then I say go for it. If at the end you can't make it work then full separation is still possible.

 

One thing that I probably should have mentioned is that open relationships might require an even stronger bond than a typical relationship to be successful. Before we opened up our relationship, I was concerned that my wife and I had drifted apart as I was coming to terms with my sexuality and what my needs are. So, I didn't come out to her and then didn't even entertain the idea of an open relationship until I felt our marriage was back on solid ground. To do this I worked very hard to be a better husband and be more affectionate, open and honest.

Above all, we agreed that our marriage was the most important thing to us and the open marriage could be closed, or put on hold, by simple request if she was uncomfortable at all.

This is an issue when I meet men. There has to be an understanding that the relationship we have is secondary to my marriage. This is not always fair. But, I liken it to platonic male friendships where there is an understanding that there will be restrictions placed on time and access. A lot of men don't like this and I completely understand.

I know this doesn't have much to do with your situation Weary. But, I know others read these posts with different relationship situations and it might be helpful for others to understand. In your case, I wonder what you really would gain by remaining married?

 

Wow, I sure missed a lot of discussion! So many good comments and as always, I come away with food for thought for myself too.

I can really relate to this. I am relieved to hear you say that actually. While I haven’t been intimate with my husband for a few months, I could see it happening out of pure love. There’s really no lust or longing for him. The thing I find myself questioning is, ok, we know we’re attracted to women, but how much of our lack of desire for our husbands is due to wanting to be with a woman and how much is just the fact of being together so long? No long term relationship has the sparks that were there in the beginning. I have totally straight friends who don’t desire their husbands after being together so long. Are people “supposed” to feel attracted to their spouses, even a little bit, after so many years?

 

Most people do not have sex with their bestfriend. Friendship should be innocent.

 

I think you're missing the point here (and I say this only with kind intentions). This wasn't just a friend, but her husband. When you share many years with a spouse there is an intimacy and fondness that develops that is qualitatively different from a purely platonic friendship, even though it can look more like a friendship if the physical attraction fades. While I agree most people don't sleep with their friends, I think this thread demonstrates that there are many shades to relationships, and as long as there is honesty with all parties, there can be benefits to shifting traditional ideas of intimacy and who you should share it with.

On a more general note, I don't have anything personally to offer for this thread, but I'm benefiting from reading all of your perspectives.