I finally came out to my wife

Thank you for you replies. I have read them over and over again these past few days.
@Contented: Thanks for what you posted. It helped a lot especially what i have quoted below.

Each day seems to be better than the last for my wife. Less anxiety. She is socializing. I understand there will be god and bad days but she seems to be heading in the right direction. The two of us are still crying and we have moments where she asks why I got married to her. The only thing that seems to calm her down is assurance that I love her very much and that I will not abandon her and that I will stay with her. I am not too sure about the staying with her bit because I really want to live my life as a gay man. Hopefully once the dust settles in a few weeks and we start going to therapy we can address this... I don’t want to be pushed back in the closet again... in which she knows I am gay but I have to deny myself again for her sanity’s sake. How have your experiences been? Did you state from the get go that its over or was it slow and steady. One step at a time. What advice would you guys give me.

 

These past few days have been a roller coaster. She has gone through the stages of grief over and over. We have both cried out eyes out. Her tears don’t seem to stop. She says her life is over. She has lost her husband. I have shattered her dreams of having a family and a happy home. That through out our marriage she sensed that I was not attentive to her but she had hope that things would get better but now that hope is dashed. She called me up on my phone today while I was driving to work and screamed her lungs out over the phone. Angry at me. Angry at god. Angry at her family and mine. Saying that I should have done this years ago when she had prospects for getting remarried. Now she thinks she is too old (she isn’t). That now she is at my mercy till I decide I want to separate and explore my gay sidem whether that is in a month, two months, 5 years or 20 years. That she is in constant fear. I asked her if she wants to talk to some friends about this but she refused. I don’t think she is ready to talk to anyone about this yet. She wasn’t open to joining straight spouse network yet. She didn’t even talk to her therapist about it at their last session.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by coming out. But then nothing was going to change... I wasn’t about to turn straight. We weren’t having sex. It was unfair on both of us. But the hurt is too much to bear at times. Watching her suffer is too much to bear and a small part of me wishes I could undo things. I won’t deny a part of me has also thought of telling her to just forget everything. That we will have more kids and build a family together like she dreamed. But I think that wont be a happy home. It will be hollow. Neither of us will be happy. I don’t know.

 

These words/thoughts could have come straight from my wife’s mouth. Thank you for you reply. It really helped a lot to read and reread it over the past few days. My wife’s reaction hasn’t been as intense as the days have passed. It seems like the tears have run dry. They still come. There still is anger but not as much. She has trouble falling asleep and wakes up in a panic and then paces and can’t seem to relax. She has a therapist appointment on Monday and she says she will finally talk to her about me coming out.
I have come out to my wife but over the past week she has been begging me not to leave her. That we can stay in a MOM (most likely not an open relationship). This is not something I want to do. I was speaking to a friend who knows about this whole affair and he said I should tell my wife about my intentions of separating sooner rather than later or she will have to suffer the same thing all over again when I break the news to her. I agree with him but I don’t think I can bring myself to tell her I want out at this moment when she is struggling to stay afloat. Another reason is that she is very opposed to the idea of trying to date again, so I want to wait till her therapists or friends broaches the subject first and she is more amenable to the idea that she deserves and will eventually find someone who can love her the way I can’t. To all this my friend replied I need to stop controlling the situation for her like her husband if I intend to leave her and let her handle her own affairs. I am going to find a new therapist to discuss all this (unfortunately my therapist of 4 years has disappeared).
Al of the above happened till yesterday. Tonight I’d taken our son to a birthday party and we came home late. I was dreading another night of crying and consoling but when I got home my wife was, surprisingly, in a good mood. She seemed calm. Her day had been good. And some friends at work had expressed a lot of love and care. Some friends living abroad also called and texted concerned how she was doing. Long story short it made her realize that people care for her. That I cared for her deeply nd loved her. She told me she unconditionally loves me and accepts me for who I am. She decided she is not going to mourn anymore. She said that however much time we might have together, we should spend it being happy and gracefully. That she was really happy for me that I came out and that realized how difficult it was, that she didn’t hold me accountable for anything and that she supported me.
I know some of the stuff she said was ambiguous. But I am hoping she will be open to having a conversation about separation and letting me venture out and experiment/flex my muscles. I hope she has reached the acceptance stage of grief and doesn’t go back to the other stages, but then it has only been a week since I came out to her. However, I do think that things are headed in the right direction.

 

Thank you for your words of support. I am trying very hard to be there for my wife and manage to do so 9/10 times. Sometimes the tears seem to have run dry. The other night we actually talked about the kind of guys we liked.

I have been telling her we will get through this and work it out. She is under the impression that I mean we will make it work and to that effect she has suggested that, even though, she respects that I am gay but there are so many gay men who can be intimate with their wives and if I could do it at the beginning of our marriage than why can’t I do it now? That is something that I have outright said no to. I’ve told her I am gay and that will not change and that if i could have had sex with her, then what was the point of coming out? That’s when she says even though i say we will make it work I am very rigid and won’t budge and agree to things which are very important to her. I don’t know if I should just tell her I plan on moving out eventually. I am not sure about telling her that our relationship will end sooner rather than later because the only thing that seems to calm her down when she panicks is when I tell her I will be there for her and that I love her very much. The thing is I don’t plan on moving out tomorrow or the day after. We have a big move coming up in a few months and we will all move together and then eventually I will move out after she and our son have settled in. It will only be a separation for 4-5 years till we can get a divorce. We cant get a divorce till the next 4-5 years due to visa reasons.

Sometimes its all I can do to stop myself from telling her its over but i know that’s just my frustration and i check myself because i know it will hurt her a lot. Her first therapy session sucked. It was her evaluation and the therapist was completely taken aback when my wife told her I am gay. Not a very good reaction from a therapist. I don’t have much faith left in that therapist.

 

I think I know what you mean. I guess it stems from her being emotionally dependent on me to a huge extent. But you are right I can't control her emotions. In fact I shouldn't if I want her to be emotionally independent. However, its very hard to see her in pain.

 

I am trying to be as accommodating as I can because I know we can be very good friends and when she actually is in a good mood i know for that to be true. I finally found a new therapist. A really good one. We will be starting joint sessions soon. Our son is really getting effected by all the arguing and fighting. The therapist says the best course for us is to separate sooner rather than later as that is better for our son than for him to see a sham of a marriage and then hate us for making his life a lie when we do separate down the road. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
My wife also told me a week ago that the only course open to us is an amicable separation. So I’d say things are headed on the right direction. We can’t divorce yet due to visa isssues but a separation would do us both good. This is not to say things aren’t a roller coaster. She still has periods of intense rage, sadness, fear, anxiety and then there are the good periods when she gets out of the awful dark place and we can communicate and actually talk about the future and she is a little hopeful. More than anything she is scared of starting from scratch. We were both each others’ firsts and she is scared of the whole dating thing. One step at a time is what I tell her. Hopefully therapy will help.

THank you for all of your encouraging posts.