What are you thinking?

Holy shit, I haven't logged in so long.

 

Well, have been out of work for a bit with health issues. Diabetic amp toe and a small stroke and now I am at the point that I am looking for some work. I have been lucky in the past and have NEVER had to complete a job application, only after I was already hired. To be honest I am a little bit scared and am not feeling very adequate at the moment.

Dean

 

Its always a scary and unhappy time looking for a job. Good luck mate.

But while you are looking, remember that a job doesnt define who you are. You are so much more than your job.

 

My professor informed us that there’s a good possibility that the lecturers’ union will be going on strike on Monday so she’s cancelling her class. Hopefully my other professors will do so as well, because I’m not going to cross a picket line.

 

Good luck to them. Over here it is common for the Students Union to strike in solidarity.

 

I don't know how I am ever going to get caught up with all the laundry I have to do.

If I was richer I would throw out all the clothes, buy new ones and just start from scratch! lol

 

Oh well, this twix won't stop tempting me if I don't eat it! It's just removing temptation obviously.

 

This one guy keeps hitting on me, even after I told him I’m not interested, it’s getting very annoying.

 

I’ve been doing well lately, but this morning I woke up feeling very anxious, out of the blue. Not really sure what prompted me to feel this way, but my stomach is in knots and feels nauseated. I keep getting random dizzy spells and feelings of being light headed. My heart is beating fast, but I’m not doing anything strenuous. I have this awful feeling of dread like something bad is going to happen. I still have to teach today, even though the last thing I want to do is be around people...but I’ve got a responsibility to my freshmen. However, I might skip the rally tomorrow at work (school) because it’s too crowded and loud. I just want to get through the rest of the week without having any anxiety attacks or panicked feelings. Will probably have my tangles or fidget cube on hand today, which usually causes other teachers to think I’m weird in meetings, but I don’t care...I don’t expect them to understand. Anxiety just sucks.

 

I'm thinking about why the fuck I'm so worried about coming out to my aunt if she accepts lgbt+ people

 

So I went to work last night and found out that, because of Trump's stupid-ass border shutdown, parts of our factory can't get the components we need because they come from Mexico. At some point my line's going to be affected if it keeps up. Thanks for nothing, "President" Racist-ass. Now your fucktardery is affecting my work. What happened to giving a shit about American jobs? Oh, wait, that was always a lie and anyone with two brain cells knew that before Vladimir Putin handed you the election.

They'd better get this shit straightened out. Just because I hate my job doesn't mean I want to be unable to do it just because Baby Hitler's a racist.

 

OMG how did I sleep in till noon?

 

Today was not a good day for me. I feel really bad. Today was one of my depressed days, one where I had no control over being so depressed, at all. So all day people asked me if I was fine and all that, cause I looked super sad/depressed. And at lunch, I'm normally laughing and making jokes and stuff with a couple friends I sit with, but I wasn't today. And then, one friend stopped laughing out of nowhere and said he didn't wanna laugh because I wasn't laughing at all. And then my really really close friend, (he knows about my depression mood swings and how some days/weeks I am totally depressed with no control and stuff, and like he knows all about that stuff) He said "Dude. Don't do that, it might make it worse. She doesn't wanna be like this, but it happens to her sometimes and the last thing she wants is for you to stop having fun because she's depressed." And when he said that I started crying because I feel/felt so bad about how people have to put up with me being so upset sometimes and how they change how they act sometimes to try to make me feel better.

 

I'm thinking this 30 day trial home workout thing seems easy enough!

 

I’m so sick of feeling like I need to take a Xanax to be able to watch the news every fucking day.

 

I think I'm a bit of a hypochondriac.

 

I'm feeling really nostalgic around 4 years ago this time of year.

 

(this is a lot, and kinda mixed and random but here)
My parents know that I have a very strong masculine side to me and a weaker feminine side and all that stuff. But in the past 5-6 months or so, I've been wearing more masculine looking clothes(and clothes that are actually made for boys) and I got rid of/gave away almost all my "girly" clothes+shoes. And I felt a lot more like "Me" when I was dressed in my guy clothes. I wanna talk to my parents about how I maybe might be trans, but I don't fully know for sure yet. I feel like I wanna be/am trans, but I don't want to do anything to change myself physically, at least not yet, just in case I'm just over thinking me being genderqueer or even just being a tomboy. I've been thinking about names I would want to try out to see if I feel right with them, and some of my friends have called me them to help, but I didn't feel myself with a couple of them. I also researched my name and found out that it's actually most common for males to have, but since it's the name of a female everybody knows, it's mostly considered a female name, which is why I don't like it.
I also don't know how my parents will react to all this. I've brought up binders with them before and how I want one to see if I feel "normal"/myself with it, and all they said was okay, but we haven't talked about it since then or looked into getting one for me.

 

Just got back since being off of this site for a few years <2015ish> and where'd the games go :0

 

I might start jogging again or going to the gym. I want to feel as good as possible.