Super confused as to what my internet behaviors mean and if this means I am a bsiexual or lesbian?

Hello everyone,

I've just joined because I thought it may be worth while trying to get any feedback from people who know more about sexuality than I do. I've also posted because feedback on some internet spaces have caused me all kinds of confusion and I am now really letting this affect my life to the point where I've called in sick to work several times this month as I am mentally under a lot of pressure to make sense of this all (I've calmed down since and have been learning to take it easy).

I am a 20 something year old woman who has always identified as straight based on how I feel around real life bodies. I used to think I could be asexual due to still being a virgin by choice but I've realized that I do have the capacity to be with a guy emotionally and physical and have found some guys attractive, i just don't have a deep desire to i.e. not being with a guy really doesn't affect me as I am just like that and always have been. But anyway, based on who I have looked at as a potential and and thought of as cute I would definitely say its been men.

About a few months ago I started analyzing past actions when I was in my mid-late teens. I had one cyber sex with a girl, turned on but I never went back to that ever again (important to say here that I didn't analyse why I did it, wasn't repulsed by it and didn't force myself to stay away from it, I just didn't think about it and for whatever reason it never occurred to me to do it again), I also went to certain chat rooms at this age and sometimes private messaged girls pretending to be a boy (really lame, but i was immature). I knew the chats ( a few) were flirtatious, cant remember if it ever was sexual but again this event lasted a few times and I never went back to it and never analysed why I did it.

I went about my life and never desired to be with any woman at any stage of my life, I still don't. However, I got exposed to lesbian porn and started fantasizing about being with a woman. Again, never analysed it and still did not desire to be with a woman at all.

Now, what has happened is that since I started analyzing my behaviors particularly past teenage behaviors I've come across all kind of stuff online saying it may indicate that I am a bisexual/lesbian. I dont find anything wrong at all about these labels but I am very sure that I am not attracted to women I see everyday and have no history of ever having a crush on a girl during those teen years. Its like when I did those stuff and even with the fantasizing I take on a new persona, I become a different person and when I reengage with the real world I am me and no matter how beautiful a woman is I cannot find myself desiring to be with her sexually or emotionally.

And here I am, just confused about this all. I dont know much about sexuality and what my cyber and porn/fantasy behaviors mean and if they mean I should now come out as a bisexual? or a Lesbian? Can anyone help me understand what those labels mean. I mean it would be awkward to claim bisexuality and have no current or past history of ever wanting to experiment or be with a real life woman so not sure how I can explain that to myself let alone anyone else so any clarity on what actually entails bisexuality would be so so much appreciated.

I am confident in how i feel in real life but as you an gather the analyzing has led to all kinds of confusion as to why I did what I did and if it means my sexual orientation now changes based on those actions highlighted above.

I know no one is obligated to help me make sense of any of this so with this understanding just a thank you to anyone who does help out as it would really go a long way in helping me out.

 

Thanks so much @Lia444 for taking the time to help me understand some basics on sexuality. I couldn't stress enough how much just writing the post meant for me to release all the chatter in my head and just having someone reply irrespective of their view points makes me feel less alone in all of this.

hmm, I mean as of right now I am not fantasizing about women but yes very recently I was and yes I do fantasise about guys too. The confusing bit is when I look at real women I see everyday I analyse my reactions and wonder if I am attracted to them and if I want to be with them physically or emotionally and I just have a blank feeling irrespective of how beautiful a woman is. I am tired of being a creepy person and checking out random strangers and over analaysing if i am attracted or not. I am not sure if bisexuality is supposed to be this hard to figure out?

Also when you wrote "the main thing to determine your sexuality is who you are sexually or romantically attracted to": do you mean people in real life as in how your sexuality is determined by how you react to real people as opposed to your behaviors on the internet, reaction to porn? and what about fantasies are they a determining factor when figuring out if you are bisexual/lesbian?

Sorry for the questions, I am just trying to understand what my conflicting behaviors/fantasies may mean?

 

Thanks alot for your reply. I have anxiety issues so I really dont like relying on my memory but if I try I dont believe I started fantasizing about women without first being introduced to porn. I think I saw porn/erotic movies as a teen that has lesbian themes by accident (on tv). Recently, porn is what starts the fantasizing and I may have fantasized about women without viewing porn/erotic movies maybe once but what i viewed on porn was still on my mind. To your other questions, yes I am imagining myself as one of the women so it is something I am involved in my fantasy. I do find it easier to self pleasure to thoughts about women as I am still a virgin and not sure how to self pleasure with thoughts of men as different sexual organs etc so not sure if that is relevant to point out
When I look at celebrities, I mean I have definitely appreciated a beautiful celebrity woman, but a crush? Nah, I dont believe I have had a crush. I may had really brief thoughts but nothing that stayed past a minute or two or made me think I like the female celeb in that way. I have mostly noticed male celebs and thought of them as cute in a date-able way.

I will say that my thoughts about women tend to pop up the same time when I start anaysig my sexuality, it's like a trigger goes off that says "ohh this subject again, lets start fantsising", so I've stopped all forms of porn/fantasizing to just focus on real life and it definitely not something hard to do. Do I feel compelled to fantisize about women? I dont believe I am, but off course the behaviors are confusing as to if it has any major indication on my sexuality.

Interested to know if the above is an indication of bisexuality?

Thanks for sharing your current journey, what made you question yourself

 

Thanks all for your replies and again for taking the time out.

Cinnamon Bunny and Lia444 I am really confused by the understanding of bisexuality or being a lesbian as I do not have a desire to be with women in the real world at all. I believe this is the foundation of my confusion. If I desired to experiment with women in real life I wouldn't have a single problem identifying as a bisexual but there isn't any actual desire so what does that make me? Calling myself bisexual with the "only in my fantasy world" seems a bit interetsing loool. I dont know, its all very confusing. And labels? I get why people reject them, I am not focused so much on labels but trying to understand myself better and what my internet/fantasy behaviours mean thats all.

And cinnamon Bunny- you think I am bi or a lesbian? Thats totally cool but if I have no desire and never had a desire in real life to experiment with a woman despite my past teen years internet actions and fantasy behaviours (and I am no well into my 20's) I am not sure how realistic those definitions are. There's nothing holding me back from being honest about same sex attraction in real life, there is just nothing there so if I were based on my past internet actions as a teenager and recent porn/fantasy habits and defined myself as a bisexual or lesbian, it would be basically me walking around my days forever being single as I have no real life desire to be with a woman and no history of any real life crush on the same sex at any point in my life, this is what my entire post is basically all about, tying to figure out why those past internet behaviors and recent fantasy dont match my real life desire.

 

Thanks a lot for also adding in your feedback, as always I just really appreciate everyone for their time and everyone is welcome to add to this discussion in any way, its totally cool and appreciated.

I mean I've in the past watched lesbian erotic movies (not so much recently this year) but again the focus was always on the erotic aspect. I am just not really interested in watching lesbian romance with all due respect as it doesnt interest me. I saw the L word but nope it did nothing for me. I don't imagine having a romantic life with a woman at all and the idea of that doesnt create any emotion other than "okay, cool, am I supposed to feel something?". When I think of a romantic life with a guy I can imagine that life and there is a pull but I want to be clear that I have chosen to remain a virgin and I am mid 20's, I have a very low desire for intimacy and romance in real life (go figure lol) and/or I am jut really anxious and don't have time to focus on much other than myself at this point in my life so my lack of strong desire for guys is not really a good indication of not liking guys. Like all things in life I think real life attraction isnt that hard to figure out, I can imagine settling down with a guy, have noticed guy celebrities in a date able type of way, my reaction to real women has always been neutral or recently anxious filled with "am I attracted to her"?.

I am not questioning my real life interest as I truly believe that if I wanted to be with women in real life, deep down I would feel something at the very least. I mean for all those who identify as bisexual or lesbian, was there a real life desire to be with the same sex? Was there at the very least a pull to experiment? If not, then how if you don't mind me asking could you know you were bisexual or a lesbian/gay person? I get labels but this is more about understanding who you are. Again, calling myself bisexual or lesbian when all the above is not present seems conflicting and even more confusing.

I know it may be hard for people to grasp whats going on with me but believe me, hand on heart, I am being 100% honest. I've spent a whole year analyzing whether I was bisexual and checking women out. In that year, when I've gone somewhere public, I've noticed that I will notice a good looking or nice guy in a date able way but I'll not have any feelings present when a pretty woman is around, its just a neutral or anxious thought questioning if I like her or not.

 

Thanks for your reply silverhalo, really appreciate the time you and others have given.

I truly understand the lots of questions, the more I've been answering them the more it has actually helped me understand myself better and makes sense of this all. I think my issue is less about figuring out who i am attracted to in real life but more about figuring out what my internet and fantasy behaviors with no real life desire to act on those fantasies mean and how can it not all add up? I am learning that sometimes just maybe I wont always have the answers to those questions and to just focus on living my life and just base my orientation on who my real life interests are and move on. I quite porn/fantasy as I was engaging with it unhealthily i.e. over analysing everything and when I have stopped its made me focus on reality and just use that as my way of understanding who I am and who I am attracted to. I can't lie a part of me still wants answers for everything and to over analyse this situation just to make sense of it all or to feel less alone in having conflicting internet/ fantasy life v real world feelings as I know many of you have said that based on my fantasy it doesnt sound like I am a straight. But a part of me knows that I've really let this anxiety get out of hand. I hope I can move on from this chapter of my life as I have wasted so many months on this issue.

Thanks again everyone for your time!

 

Thanks again ya'll, seriously just grateful for the generoisity of your time. Indeed as a someone who has lived with anxiety for most of my adult life, accepting the unknown is easier said than done.

Thank ya'll for clarifying the fantasy bit for me. Also, this is the absolute last question I have as I forgot to mention this on earlier post- a bit TMI but when I was masturbating and fantasizing I was only able to reach orgasm by thinking of other women, when fantasizing about men I could get really turned on but it was just difficult to imagine how it would feel based on still being a virgin so I didnt reach orgasm. Yea, I haven't been with a woman before but the similar body parts and positioning was easier to orgasm to because I guess I can easily imagine what it would feel like if that makes any sense. I also can only reach orgasm from a certain position of laying on my stomach and it was just harder to try to imagine making out with a guy while on top of him lool I'm not sure if that all makes sense but I am just wondering if this paired with no real life desire/attraction to women indicates bisexuality/being a lesbian?

 

A big virtual hug to all you wonderful people for being so kind with your time, I know I keep repeating that but the fact that you don't need to help me or others out on here with our issues and the fact that you are is for me just something I am truly grateful for! I do really hope to give back in the same way you all have in helping someone else out when I am in a better place mentally.

@Lia444 and @silverhalo Thanks, to just further clarify from my side do you both mean if I am end up in a relationship with a guy and can only orgasm with him by thinking of women then that would be a time to re-evaluate further and for now just carry on and focus on who I am attracted to in real life and if its just men to just go with straight?

@Cinnamon Bunny Thank you for sharing your story, its truly appreciated. I am not sure what my natural fantasies are to be honest, I did once fantisise about a fictional woman (inspired from porn that I watch and have used to fantisise with porn before) once without the use of porn but the fact that it was a similar fantasy to the one I had when aroused by viewing porn made me question if it was a natural fantasy. I did also have a sexual thought that was arousing about a female colleague some months without masturbating just thoughts that lasted all but 2 mins and then I just had a blank feeling. I checked out the colleague in real life i.e. at work and again jsut a blank feeling Similar thing happened with a brief sexual thought of a celebrity woman-no masturbating- but thought disappeared after 2 minutes and when I saw the celebrity woman again on tv-i had a blank feeling. I still have a blank feeling for both the colleague who I see as a friend and the celebrity woman.
I hear you on the complexity of it all and just focusing on living. Yes, my anxiety is not good at all in the sense that I if I rely on memory alone, I start doubting the memory so I've noted that. I have found writing down all these conflicting actions that I have never analysed before just in and of itself really therapeutic in the sense that I am starting to find myself, like deep down I am getting closer to finding some solace in all of this. I have always had anxiety in different areas of my life and I have learnt in those areas to just let it go after seeking answers usually by medical professions due to health anxiety and learning more about whatever was stressing me out, with my sexuality though the anxiety wouldn't leave because I wasn't aware that unpacking all of this would bring some light and knowledge of sexuality and leave me feeling just more empowered by understanding it all.

@Creativemind Thank you too for your contribution to this discussion.