Married... 3 kids... confused!!

I think you should put aside for the time being the question of whether you are "gay" or "straight" and instead focus on what you think your life would be like if you in fact "came out" to your wife as gay and compare that to what you think your life would be like if you continued to manage your sexual attractions to other men through fantasies, etc. The truth is that being an out gay man is often not like being an out straight guy except with boyfriends (or husbands) instead of girlfriends (or wives). There are significant, unique struggles and challenges for gay men that (I believe) emanate from within the gay community itself, and you should make yourself aware of them so that you can make an informed decision no matter what you choose. You can find out a lot of information and opinions about this on the internet and through discussion boards such as this one. Some guys feel a great sense of freedom by coming out and leaving their wives regardless of the cost, while others feel disappointed and later come to regret the decision. Personally, I was married to a woman for 10 years, have been divorced/separated for about 20 years, had a lot of fantasies about guys (and some mild fooling around) before and during (only fantasies) my marriage, and have had a fair amount of sex and some relationships with men since I was divorced. Ideally I would like to have a monogamous male partner to whom I am attracted and who is an appropriate match for me (e.g., not a big age difference, no substance abuse issues, employed, same values, etc.), but that's a pretty tall order. I don't regret my decision to get a divorce because things had gotten really bad, but I do sometimes wish my marriage had worked out because it wasn't all bad. So if I were to find a woman that I felt some attraction for and who would accept my bi-leaning-gay orientation, and who would be a good partner/companion, I would go for it.

 

I partially disagree with Justaguyinsf, Jake1; I think that defining who are you to yourself first before to others is crucial. You don't want to come out as gay to your wife to realize that you're bi or straight with not-so-straight weird thoughts! as Quebec traces it out for you, therapy would be your best bet now, it'll help you clear your mind and define who you are and therefore would support you on whatever decision you're going to take in the future.

I've been married to a woman for 25 years, my kids are adults now, and I lived a tormenting life with my wife; besides that we had problems that I overcame just for the sake of maintaining the family together, my gay tendencies never disappeared, on the contrary, they grew every day, and sex with my wife was from bad to worse. Crying myself to sleep at times .. kind of identical to Quebec's story. But in my case, and once the kids were on their own, I broke the news to my wife and asked for a divorce, we've been living in separation for more than 10 months now and currently in the process of negotiating the terms of divorce.

You would know if you're gay or not, I have never fantasized about women, never had sex with neither women nor men before I got married to my wife, but at that stage, the sex deprivation, and being young, sex with anyone would be great! I thought that being gay was just a phase, since sex with my wife was good, not being exposed to any other options! but it got worse, and still I continued to admire men, not women, I fantasized about men, I've never been straight, but pretended to be one. I am at a stage that I'd prefer to live alone than with my wife, or any other woman for that matter.

You have a commitment towards your wife and kids though, and if your wife is understanding, she would support you in your journey, opening up to her might be a viable option for you to consider, it's your call though. But your kids, sooner or later, would need to know, and it is your choice whether to tell them or not. I strongly support the therapy idea, since it'll guide you through the process, the therapist won't tell you what to do, but will help you understand who you are and what you want. Do it, sooner than later.

Good luck in your journey. Hugs.

 

Hi Jake,

You are in a tough spot and I feel for you. I agree with the advice here that you could certainly benefit from therapy.

I don't know if you are gay or bisexual, but it does seem likely that you are not straight based upon what you have written here. The fact that you are able to have sex with your wife, and even enjoy it, does not make you straight or even bisexual. At your age, sex feels good no matter the gender, and it's pretty easy to get turned on. But there are some telling sentences in your posts that I'd like to highlight:

"I am constantly checking out and fantasizing about other guys."
"So I work super hard restricting my thoughts of other men"
"What I meant by that is when I really block everything out and cut off any thoughts I ever get about the opposite sex and I tell myself all day long how much I want to bang my wife the sex is much better"
"Honestly I go through spurts of doing great and then just going into slight depression and anger."

These statements are classic signals of the different stages of loss - in this case, it's the loss of your straight identity. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Grief, Acceptance. I see elements of denial, anger and bargaining in your posts that are pretty illuminating to me. You are clinging to the myth that homosexuality is a choice. It's not a choice. But it's a part of the bargaining process because you convince yourself that you don't have to be gay (or bi) if you don't want to, and that allows you to stay where you are.

The simple fact is that straight men do not spend their time thinking about and fantasizing about other men. They don't have to block their thoughts and work hard at restricting their thoughts in order to have sex.

I understand your worries that your same-sex attractions aren't real. So many of us who are in the closet or have left the closet have had those exact same worries. I worried about it too.

I would encourage you to continue this journey, seek therapy, and spend the time to figure yourself out. I didn't do that, and instead I spent decades in denial only to finally come out at 47 years old. Please believe me that it's so much more difficult to come out in your late 40s than it would be in your 20s.

Keep reading posts here, and keep posting your thoughts and questions here. It will help.

Take care.

 

I second that therapy - preferably with a LGBT friendly therapist would be a good idea. It may help you to better understand yourself. Thinking about men and having sexual thoughts about men does not necessarily mean you are guy. But it is definitely something you should discuss with a professional. Also I do not believe being gay is a choice. The fact that your thoughts and feelings keep going back to men kind of proves that point in my opinion. I think that you have a choice to acknowledge it and/or to act on it. But not a choice in the orientation itself. I am here if you ever need advice. I am a bi-sexual mother of two. Happily married to a man for 15 years.

 

I am a bit like you, just older. When I was about 20, I started realizing that I could be gay and there would be no way back once I allowed it to go that way, which made me feel desperate. I then made a huge effort to 'focus' my sexual energy as much as I could through heterosexual channels, which kind of worked sometimes, like you describe. Once I met me wife, it worked very well in the beginning, partially because we were in love, its was all new and we were young and full of energy. Actually I even manage d to 'forget' about it for about 10 years and sometimes genuinely thought that I had managed to 'become' straight. However, there are huge costs for: 1-Keeping your secret from her 2- Constantly trying to put your sexual energy into a straightjacket. Depression, anxiety, not being able to emotionally connect with other people, this is the price you pay everyday for it. Once it becomes too much, you end up doing something about. Its just that the longer you wait, the more you pay for it.

 

therapy would be the best option. I don't know how it works in the US but if you cannot afford it is difficult. Explore options. Until then you can discuss with a close gay friend and also communicate regularly on EC. I have learned a lot by reading these forums and contributing here. It has helped me understand myself massively and I am sure it will help you too.

 

Mr B is right on the money. Hate to tell you this, but what you are describing is the sexual "roller coaster" ride that you can't get off of. Every time you "think" you have your emotions in check, put your seat belt on... because in my opinion the male attraction will never go away (no matter how hard you try to bury it)! It re-surfaces, and often times, it's stronger than before.

Here are a couple other posts that I put on other threads; however... read them because I think a lot of the same emotions are at play....

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...ion-crippling-depression.463408/#post-6534308

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...ealizing-your-attraction.463526/#post-6534324

Good luck, I know the pain your struggling with...

 

I ended up staying together for now, but its a daily struggle. The thing is that after coming out we had a sort of reset in our relationship and ended up strenghtening our bond. Of course it was a very crazy and emotional period after coming out to her but it in the end it stabilized. The important thing is that the first and hardest bit is eliminated, which was the secret that was poisoning myself and our relationship. Now that she is involved, its not only my sole decision how things will turn out and the only problem left is the i.e. what to do with my sexuality, but this is now a joint problem. Currently, I am letting things flow organically, I am trying my best and she knows it and if it does not work in the end, I hope that she will know that there was really no other way and hopefully there will not be that feeling of regret that if only we had tried a bit harder things might have worked out. For now, there is still a little bit of hope. Nevertheless, the whole thing also changed a lot of our plans, where we want to live, our future and so on, it completely changed our priorities. So that we are now working towards having a situation where if things don't work for us eventually, there would be less disruption in our lives and for the kids as if it would happen now.

 

I am just letting things flow organically and taking our lives to where they need to go, eventually. Rather than force things to happen quicker and then have to deal with regret later. Putting in an effort to make it work is part of it, but, yes if I tell you I am 100% focused on her during sex I would be lying, but not fantasing about men, either. I thing I just focus on my body and the sensations and the skin contact. So its different than proper attraction to partner. If I see pics of naked guys, thats attraction and it turns me on...