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Mind bending confusion/crippling depression

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by whatsneb, Oct 15, 2017.

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  1. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    Hey, so I have a kind of long story to explain where I am at right now; I am a 24 year old male and I am in a relationship with a girl whom I love. We broke up once before for almost a year and in that time I discovered I was bisexual and experimented with guys a bit. Then, I started to convince myself that I could never actually date guys and that I only wanted sex with them. Me and my girlfriend ended up getting back together a year ago, and I love her so much but the longer we have been back together the more and more my mind strays to my sexual attraction to men. I almost exclusively think about men when i masturbate now, and although i enjoy sex with her, sometimes I feel guilty because I do not like going down on her that much so I do not do it often, and our sex life suffers a bit because of that.

    My confusion is back because of these things even moreso than when I originally realized I was bisexual, my mind is telling me now that all of these thoughts must mean that maybe I am either a more gay leaning bisexual than I thought, or that maybe even I am possibly gay and I have just been convicted by society etc. enough that I find girls attractive. I do not know what to believe, I do not know where to go from here, and the depression this obsession is causing me is literally ruining my life. I do not know how to talk to her about these feelings because I am scared she will get angry (i told her when we got back together that I had this figured out, and was definitely a hetero-romantic bisexual, which I truly thought/wanted to believe I was). I want to tell her, because realistically it seems I have things to figure out, and I should not drag our relationship out any longer and cause her even more pain, but I am just so damn scared. What if I am just overreacting and my sexual urges are leaning towards men because I have been with only a woman for a year? What if I make the biggest mistake of my life? I have almost no doubt that if she knows I am confused again we will break up, and considering we have talked about potential marriage and such in the future, it would be heartbreaking. I am so scared to break this girl's heart, I love her to death and it just is not fair that this has to be the case. I am at my wit's end here, and I don't even honestly know what I am asking with this post, I just need somebody to talk to. I need somebody to tell me their thoughts I guess on what they think my situation may be, and if it is similar to a situation anybody has lived through please tell me all about it. I need some advice here. Like I said, I have already, after a really depressed couple of weeks, come to the conclusion that I need to tell her these things, it is not fair to her. How do I do this? How do I explain so she understands that I truly did think I had things figured out, and that I do not even now know what it is I do not have figured out. Please, somebody, help me.
     
    #1 whatsneb, Oct 15, 2017
  2. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    somebody please say something, i am in physical pain from this stress
     
    #2 whatsneb, Oct 16, 2017
  3. nympoguy

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    Hi, I know the feeling. I've been the same shoes as you are right now. The fact that your thinking about men when you masturbate is a sign of being bisexual or being gay. I'm also a bisexual but no one knows that I am but I'm still hiding it. But swear sooner or later the more your hunger to be with a man especially when some guy talks to you about sex and when you do it for the first time you will start to like it. Swear!
    You can try this article if you are socially awkward in admitting your bi or gay. https://ponbee.com/socially-awkward/. you know there's nothing wrong about it. Just accept who you are.
     
    #3 nympoguy, Oct 16, 2017
  4. nympoguy

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    I advise as well to explore the dipper within yourself. Try to date some bisexual. I'm not saying you break up with your girl just to try. but make sure you do it by your choice and correctly. Just admit to yourself who you are. I'm sure it will be the best decision of your life rather than suffering everyday because of what your feeling.
     
    #4 nympoguy, Oct 16, 2017
  5. foxconfessor

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    Hey whatsneb. First of all, I'm sorry to read about how much you're struggling. Most of us here have been through similar struggles and can attest to how unbelievably painful, overwhelming and confusing they can be.

    The first thing to remember is that you are not at fault or a bad person for feeling this way. Secondly, trust and honesty are absolutely pivotal in all good relationships, so talk to your girlfriend. Explain to her how you are feeling, just as you have described here. Whilst it may be difficult for her to process at first, if she loves you and cares about you then she will ultimately want you to find a way through this and to be happy.

    With regards to the sexual issues you describe, not enjoying certain activities doesn't necessarily in itself indicate any misalignment between your sexual orientation and sexual behaviour. Does sex feel emotionally fulfilling to you? Do you feel "present" during sexual/romantic activities? These kinds of questions are probably a bit more revealing with regards to your orientation.

    Hope this helps, and please keep posting if you feel the need to. ☺
     
    #5 foxconfessor, Oct 17, 2017
  6. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    I have tried having sex with men when i first discovered I was bisexual, and I think if I'm to be honest, there was something more primal and different about it than how I feel with women. I enjoy sex with women, especially with my girlfriend, but... I am starting to think I came out as bisexual to continue to deny that my feelings really lean more towards men.

    I think I can admit at the very least that something feels like it is missing when I have sex with my girlfriend, I feel guilty for not being 100% into it, even when we enjoy the sex there is always something lurking in the back of my mind that says she enjoys it more than I do and that it is unfair to her not to have someone who enjoys it every bit as much as her. When I had sex with men they were always random discreet encounters with men I did not even find attractive, looks or personality wise, yet I still enjoyed that sex in a kind of primal way that I cannot admit to ever feeling with women, if I am to be honest. But I never considered that sex with a man I actually liked would be an even deeper experience, I just brushed aside all notion of that and convinced myself I could never actually love or date a man so that would never happen. Fast forward so many months, and the amount of time I spend contemplating this/being depressed about it/fantasizing about men, makes me think I was probably hasty in deciding these things, and allowing myself to fall back into a state of denial

    I know I need to talk to her, but I am so not prepared to break this girl's heart, and I feel so much shame because she asked me these questions when we first got back together, and I told her I was definitely not gay and I had it all figured out... and I truly believed this at the time, but now I am not so sure and I am scared she will hate me for what she will perceive as lies. I am just heartbroken, in pain, and so lonely in my thoughts right now. Thank you for your responses, I wish somebody could just answer these questions for me, but of course I doubt anybody's situation is exactly the same nor is anybody's mind exactly like mine.
     
    #6 whatsneb, Oct 17, 2017
  7. foxconfessor

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    That "primal" feeling you describe is something that is definitely worth paying attention to.

    I feel hypocritical as I would probably have the same fears in your situation, but honestly, I still think you might be surprised about your gf's reaction. I think the best way forward at this point is to be honest with yourself and your partner, and maybe give yourself some space to contemplate what you want on a deeper level, beyond sex (e.g. Who you feel you can truly fall in love with and feel completely yourself with).
     
    #7 foxconfessor, Oct 17, 2017
  8. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    I think you are right, and I plan to have this talk soon once I can wrap my head around how to begin it. I think I need a few days. Thanks very much for your help.
     
    #8 whatsneb, Oct 17, 2017
  9. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Not to throw a monkey-wrench in here, but, in my opinion, each of us should understand and accept our own sexuality BEFORE Coming Out to anyone else. While I know that there certainly are people who confide their sexual orientation confusion in people very close to them before they have finished that journey, I honestly believe that sexuality is something so private and personal that if you confide your thoughts about your own sexuality in others before your truly understand and accept it, you may end up creating greater problems for yourself.

    If you are not yet nearly comfortable enough with yourself to have this conversation with your girlfriend, is this the right time to have this conversation?

    Just asking.
     
    #9 Quantumreality, Oct 17, 2017
  10. nympoguy

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    Exactly if you are not comfortable enough to talk about it with your GF then it is not the right time. Try to figure things out. You know that "Primal Thing" or "Primal Urge" might be sexual or something that you just want to experience and I suggest you need to weight things right. You might lose the important person in your life. Just weight things right and start to open up to those people who are close to you and who can understand you because at the end of the day you need those people who support your back whatever decisions you made.
     
    #10 nympoguy, Oct 17, 2017
  11. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    I just feel like I cannot even act normal in my relationship these last couple weeks because these thoughts are consuming me so much, and I told this girl when we first started dating that even though I was bisexual i had no interest in ever dating a man, and now that I am starting to doubt myself I feel like she deserves to know as soon as possible.
     
    #11 whatsneb, Oct 18, 2017
  12. mav96213

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    I think you might be on the tip of the iceberg in discovering your sexually. If you look at a lot of posts from "later in life" individuals, they almost all say that as time went on, they "realized" that social/family/religious pressure to conform early on directed them towards a relationship with the opposite sex. However, the same sex "itch" that feels natural to them, never goes away, and in fact usually gets stronger as they come to accept it. On the religious front, countless people have gone the "pray the gay away" route, resulting in self-hate and disappointment... until they finally again, come to accept themselves. It's true that you can love someone (and in your case, your girlfriend), but you can never get to the point of a complete, total relationship (some call it that "soul mate" feeling) when you are not 100% sexually attracted to her. And guess what, you are young, so having sex (even if you are not 100% into it) is still easy, but as time goes on, it will become increasing difficult. So before you move further in your relationship with your gf (especially if marriage has been discussed), really consider your deep down feelings/urges and do some soul searching, as that "little voice" in your head will not go away. I'd hate for you to give in to social/environmental pressures, only to have huge regrets down the road....
     
    #12 mav96213, Oct 18, 2017
  13. Quantumreality

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    That is completely understandable. I would just ask you to consider what you hope to accomplish by telling her that you are questioning your sexuality at this point. Wouldn't her likely response be to start questioning whether she wants to remain your girlfriend?

    Or are you saying that you think that you should break up with here while you are figuring out your sexuality?
     
    #13 Quantumreality, Oct 18, 2017
  14. TrevinMichael

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    No matter what happens, what you say or do not say to others including your GF, you are okay the way you are.
    The answers will come with time.
     
    #14 TrevinMichael, Oct 18, 2017
  15. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    No i do not want to break up with her to go figure things out, I love her and cannot imagine how I would feel if I left her just to figure out I was perfectly bisexual all along and no happier with men and this was all just something else.

    At the same time, I cannot imagine feeling this way for too much longer, and if I cannot figure it out I do not know what to do; I cannot ruin this girl's (or my own) life. Maybe it could be some other thing like OCD or depression I do not know, but the fact that I am obsessing over these thoughts is scaring me into thinking that there is something to them.
     
    #15 whatsneb, Oct 18, 2017
  16. Neogcd

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    If you choose to continue your relationship with your GF, you might face another crisis when you met a man that you fall for.

    If you are indeed leaning towards man, as you suspect you are. This might be a perfect storm when marriage or kids are involved
     
    #16 Neogcd, Oct 18, 2017
  17. nympoguy

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    Exactly! that "Primal Urge" inside of you. Don't worry only time will tell. and if your ready to talk about it with your GF make sure your ready!
     
    #17 nympoguy, Oct 18, 2017
  18. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    Is it usually hard for gay men to accept that they might enjoy dating other men? Like am I just lying to myself by saying that even though I am more sexually attracted to men than I am to women, I would enjoy dating women more? I just cannot tell what is pressure from society and what are my own thoughts. Being confused sucks, a lot.
     
    #18 whatsneb, Oct 19, 2017
  19. Neogcd

    Neogcd
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    I've met gay man that is so deep in the closet, they have the whole "wife & kids" charade going on for years.
    This is the norm in my part of the world.
    Some of these men are "happily married", and their straight family is perfectly beautiful.

    I really don't know what is going on for you, off the top of my hat, there could be 2 possibilities:

    (1) you are indeed bisexual, and you are falling out of love with your GF. That could be the reason that you find her less sexually attractive these days.

    OR

    (2) you are gay. From what you've written, this seems to be the case, because your sex with your GF since the beginning is merely good, but not as good as with random unattractive men you've met for sex. That is such a big red flag.

    Anyway, take your time to figure this thing out. Talk to us here.
    Don't beat yourself up too much, it takes a lot of courage to face yourself in the mirror like this.
     
    #19 Neogcd, Oct 19, 2017
  20. whatsneb

    whatsneb
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    I know that seems like such a huge red flag, but do you think me experiencing more romantic attraction to my girlfriend than I can imagine with any guy is because of a real romantic tendency towards women, or do you think it is more likely that I am just incapable of being honest with myself so my brain will not let me imagine that or realize I actually would like it?

    Thanks by the way, you have been incredibly helpful to talk to so far and it is helping a beat, but yeah jeez it certainly screws with your head to try and take an honest look at all this, that is for sure.
     
    #20 whatsneb, Oct 19, 2017
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