New beginnings and fear

Hi everyone! I haven't updated in a bit. It's been a crazy week. As I mentioned, at the end we decided that I would be the one to move out. It would hit me harder to make sure this is what I want, and my husband could have a smoother transition still being in the house. I am moved in and I admit it is nice having my own independent space. Hanging pictures and having things the way I like is nice.

It's been emotionally a rollercoaster. I often feel fine, maybe just numb. I'll start breaking down crying randomly when I hear a song, see a picture, or have the sudden realization of possibly truly never having my life back. It is all pretty depressing and scary. When I dropped off my daughter at the house I broke down.. I was walking away from my family. It's all just too much. But then like I said, I have been feeling okay throughout the day. I have been feeling surprisingly strong considering.

It is so hard that during the moments that I think things could go back, that we could make it through this... it doesn't change anything. I am finding I am often at battle with myself. Even if I don't want to be gay I can't help that. I fall into the thought process that I can choose. I only can choose if I want to stay or go- I cannot choose who I am attracted to. It's so hard. I think going on dating sites is also depressing. There are so many women on them who either look like guys or only post pictures of their boobs.. hard makeup, pierced faces. The reality of this other life is terrifying. I don't know what I am doing.

All I can do is keep open and explore every part of myself during this break. I truly hope I can start getting some real answers. I hope I can leave the miserable limbo behind me.

 

Thanks so much, @silverhalo. Unfortunately there really is not much as far as LGBTQ meetups go. I am having the hardest time finding a group that actually gets together. There are some on Meetup but it's been months since their last meeting. With the online dating sites, I have been honest with my situation pretty early with chatting to girls and at saying I am looking to make friends and explore this side of myself. I have two coffee dates next week. I figure I just need to make a few friends to hopefully start getting involved with lesbian network out here.

It's all very hard. I figure I really to be put myself out there as soon as I can and meet some people. I have lost my best friend too.. so if anything I need friends.

 

Thank you ❤️ That is all great advice. I'm new to the area so don't have many friends.. in fact the one good friend I have who I spend a lot of time with I have a massive crush on but she is straight. Shes going to go to gay bars with me to help me meet girls ha. I'm on sites being upfront with my situation ..hoping to make some friends and immerse myself in the lesbian community this way. My mom is coming up this weekend to support me and spend time with my daughter. Looking forward to that. I am going to therapy, but haven't been in two weeks. I see him on Monday and he is great and focuses on LGBTQ issues. I always leave uplifted.

I have become so strong through this process already. I am learning to just keep moving forward, hang on, work through the pain, and keep my eye on the future ahead. I know everything will be better one day. This journey takes and incredible amount of strength and trusting myself.

 

@Billy the kid we are doing 50/50 with our daughter and switching every week. So hard. We are making it so the other one gets to spend an evening with her one night of the other's week. This week he had her, so it was quite lonely.

How long have you been separated from your wife/partner? Do you have kids?

 

Thank you, @silverhalo. Yes I figure the first step is just meeting people so I am not so alone. From there, who knows! I am excited that the two girls I am meeting with next week completely know my situation but we're happy to meet as friends and someone to get to know.

Thank you, @NeonSocks! I know you understand the difficulty of this all. It's amazing the conflicted up and down feelings I am going through. Thanks for the support ❤️

 

Thank you so much. It was only a few months ago that I was clinging to others' experiences for hope and terrified of the thought of going down this path. Glad I can inspire! Yep we just have to get out there and people how we can and find where we feel comfortable. Sharing experiences and helping each other all on similar paths is what this group is all about.

 

Thank you so much, @leb10, @Lia444, and @Moonsparkle! I will keep you all updated. I just added another date (I have two firm scheduled and two others I said I would touch in with next week). I am really excited about this new girl.. she seems awesome and someone I'd be into. She also came out at 29 after 8 years married! She is older now, but she relates so much to what I am going through. Sounds like this one is an actual date. One thing that I am finding is very nice is I feel empowered being on such an even playing field! With guys I always had the internalized expectation that he should be the one that reaches out first and asks to go out on a date. Now I am the one asking these girls out for coffee or beer. I am loving the control and things feeling so equal in conversation. I HATED being hit on by very forward guys in the dating world before. This all feels different.

I truly am going up and down emotionally. Yesterday I was extremely depressed and terrified. I often just want my family back and things to feel like they used to before this all. But last night and today I am liberated and excited by all of this. I am sure it will all take adjusting to. I don't plan on just sleeping with random girls, but I do hope going on a few dates can help me really see just how big and real this all is. I am also sick to my stomach with the thought that my husband may look on here and figure out who I am (wouldn't be to hard). I care about him so so much and I know he is hurting. I need this network though with you all.

 

Haha thanks! I posted a picture of myself and my daughter in my bio so people knew I had a child. Other than that I didn't share in the bio. I figured it would likely scare most people away from swiping right lol. After chatting back a forth a bit or if someone asks why I moved to my city recently, I then bring it up. One of the girls I asked out to coffee after two messages because my friend pressured me lol. I felt bad though and then told her my situation the next day. She appreciated my honesty and said she is looking to settle down with someone but would love to meet me as a friend

 

I am on a couple different ones. One is the lesbian app "she" only with an "h" (indirect object pronoun lol). The other is the "average Cupid" that I believe Rjay referred to st some point. And the other popular app beginning with a T. Lol hope that helps.