New beginnings and fear

@Butterflies85 I meant to respond earlier this week, but things got busy! Thanks so much for the insight. I do believe that whatever is meant to be and whatever I truly want will ultimately come to the surface. Even once I feel that he has completely moved on, I do believe that if I came to any hard conclusion that I do in fact only want him, that there would be a way through that possibly. However, I am coming only more and more secure with who I am and where I am going. This separation or this "taste" is turning into my reality. I glanced over at your recent thread and it sounds like things are rough right now. I remember those times so well. It is such a difficult period.. so much pain I know. Hang in there. I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving!

@leb10 I'm so happy you had a good talk with your friend! I agree that having supportive friends during this time is very helpful. It is so nice to be able to talk freely about everything and feel accepted. I'm sorry to hear things are rocky with your husband. I know how difficult it is to have the discomfort prolonged and being constantly surrounded by the negativity.

 

As for updates!.. nothing crazy, but I am just feeling very self-assured. My friends at my Spanish-speaking MeetUp last night night (that I have been going to for 6 months or so) noted how happy and liberated I seemed. I am completely out to all of them and freely share my story. It was the second meeting in a row that I met someone, shared my situation, only to learn that he is gay and was married years ago. Both men I got to know and it seriously inspired me. It is one things to have these conversations via forums on here, but wow.. to have these conversations in real life with people who get it and have been there was AMAZING and motivational. I left all warm and fuzzy and feeling great about where I am going. Also, it is interesting.. I realize I am coming out to people so incredibly easy and even have been all along. Coming out to myself has been the hardest part. I all along have been telling people "I think I might be gay.." and now am saying "I have come to realize that I AM gay". It's almost scary how many people (close and not so close) that I have come out to.

I went snowshoeing with my new friend last weekend and we had such a great time! We have been texting almost everyday and she has been a tremendous support as far as LGBTQ and coming out stuff goes. I do still have a crush on her I wish I could know if she felt the same way or if it is just as friends. I'm getting the sense with the texts and such.. (she even called me last night!) that there could be something there. I really really like her as a person and I regardless am excited to have her in my life. So I am almost afraid to jeopardize that. Even if just as friends, I hope to continue being able to spend time with her.

I am realizing new feelings of vulnerability. I had never felt this with men before! It sucks to get heavy crushes on women only to feel rejected or for the feelings to not be mutual. I have been ignored over text by two of the women I was starting to get little crushes on and it sucks. I am realizing I had never really felt being rejected before. I was always the one playing defense! It's scary to put my heart out there with feelings for someone when it is so vulnerable to be destroyed. Ultimately I trust that when it IS mutual, it must be the most amazing feeling.

 

Thanksgiving went okay considering the very weird situation. On top of my family being in town and spending time in the house I no longer live at with my husband, I also had a terrible cold. It was just an off week. My dad was terrible with uncomfortable comments as always. It continued the entire time and it was so painful. He said many homophobic remarks and "jokes". He kept saying, "I'm optimistic! ..I can tell you love each other and I think you can make it work!". He also said while drunk, "so if you do a big coming out post on FB, do I like it?? I mean, I don't "like" that you're gay, so why would I like it?". What the efffff. I got off the phone with him a couple hours ago. He told me how he could tell seeing us that there was a lot of "passion" between me and my husband and we have something really good.. and "that is 90% of a functional relationship". So incredibly much eye rolling and deep sighs to myself. It just sucks.

My husband on the other hand was very gracious and he has really come an incredibly long way in being warm and allowing things to settle into a new normal. Things feel okay and we can talk almost like we used to. He even invited me out on his night with our daughter to go to dinner with them. I can tell he is moving on and is self-assured and okay. It's sometimes scary to see how easily things are just progressing, but it still doesn't feel wrong. We are going to play by ear for Christmas, as we don't know if we wan't to share with everyone yet why we are not together. But I am NOT in a mode of faking anything right now. Sacrificing a week of my sanity to act like things are "great" staying at his parents place sounds like hell.

I went on a date Saturday night with someone new. I let things progress with her intense flirting with me. She was pretty but I don't really see anything continuing with her. Well.. I let her lean in to kiss me. We ended up making out at the bar! It was hot and fun! So soft and sexy. Though now I think she is seriously interested and texting me all flirty. Oops.. I guess this is the dating world. Meanwhile I'm still close with my other friend and chatting with a few girls on apps. All fun stuff I suppose

 

Thank you so much @Really! ❤️

@Leela, thank you! It did in a way help validate things. The fact that I still found kissing her enjoyable and hot even though I didn’t have a real crush on her was interesting. Never felt that way kissin guys. Off of my sample size of 2 (my other kissing experience in college with my roommate/current best friend).. I’ve decided women are wayyy better kissers and yes I enjoy it so much more

Haha @silverhalo! True.. figured I’d throw that in there lol. And thank you. Yeah I’ll be talking about my dad in therapy this week (haven’t been in almost a month and so looking forward to it). I know he means well but I need to probably speak up when something bothers me. I need him to understand what is not okay to say. I’m just glad the relationship with my husband is getting better. Not perfect, but so much improvement.

 

Thank you so much, @junebug99 ❤️

 

Thank you, @leb10! The hardest part of this journey is trying to pay attention to what I want rather than what everyone else wants for me. So hard but I have to trust it will all be worth it.
And thanks! Haha.

 

Thank you, @TomiimoT so much for the kind words. It’s makes me so happy to read that sharing my story is inspiring. A few months back I was in the fearful place of seeking support and inspiring stories on here. Yes, putting ourselves first before what others want for us is so hard, but I know it will be the most rewarding. Keep reading on EC and feel free to post or reach out whenever.

 

Just another positive update! I can't describe it but since being back in my apartment for Thanksgiving I am hitting new level of feeling self-assured. I just feel so beautifully gay and it resonates within me. I went through so so many months of flip-flopping, wondering, feeling uncertain of everything, and I feel like I am just falling into who I really am. There is not even one specific woman, but I feel senses of love, belonging, and desire. I recognize I am emotionally attracted to one one friend who has been a tremendous support in immersing myself in the LGBTQ world. It is not overwhelming, but it is there. I also feel attraction towards my friend from San Francisco (the one I shared a bed with twice) who has been my friend for years. She's going to come visit soon. The girl I went on a date with last weekend I am not truly attracted to, but on a physical level only I am. I feel this spectrum of feelings and attraction I have never experienced. It's like I am seeing in color after seeing in black and white.

Tonight I am going "lesbian bowling" (LOL) with my new friend along with another friend with a bunch of women from my city and then to a concert after. This same friend introduced my to the Podcasts Queery and Put Your Hands Together (standup) with Cameron Esposito ...you all should tune in. The Podcast Queery has been like an extension of EC for me only hearing real live discussions about being gay, coming out, sexual and gender identity, and just so many wonderful conversations. I could listen to Cameron talk all day long. I think someone else mentioned that here. @leb10 was that you? Anyway.. meeting this friend of mine, immersing myself in the community, and listening to these podcasts has almost tipped me over into the final stages of acceptance.

That is all Those of you struggling, unsure, uncertain, scared.... just keep soul searching, reading and writing on here, and keeping true to yourself. Eventually things will fall into place.