This is a bit of a continuation of these two threads which were kind of interrelated. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/taking-action.462870/ https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/i-feel-like-somethings-wrong-with-me.462944/ When I wrote those threads it was part of this urgency I was feeling, that I can't go on feeling some of the things I've been feeling, guilt, leftover shame, grief, regret... So last night, I went home from work, and had a drink. I turned up the music in my flat, and a few songs really grabbed me emotionally, singing to myself while I did stuff around the flat (we all do that, right? ) I left the flat to meet my partner, (the kids were all at their dads'); listening to my headphones on the way, and I had this feeling, something I don't remember feeling since I've been maybe 5, 6... that all I had at that moment was the present, the music, the feelings inside me. And my feelings were, I need this music, I need to feel it, let it be a part of me, I need to see my partner, kiss her, make love to her, I need to feel alive, and I did feel alive at that moment. Everything around me seemed brighter, clearer, more colourful in that moment. I was full of life while I walked to my partner's work (that's the only way I can describe it). I met her at her clinic, took her in my arms and kissed her, with so much feeling pouring out of me, it was incredible, I felt free. We went to the local pub, and it was incredible sitting with her, my feelings coming so freely out of every pore. I don't really know how to describe it...the feeling hasn't passed, I felt that way all night with her and in the morning waking up after she left, listening to music, drinking coffee, now even at work writing software documentation (haha), I like this feeling of finding joy out of little things at work, and chatting about the weather with the guy in the corner shop on my way to the office. It's like a freedom of feeling and movement and self. I'm not expecting that I've overcome all the feelings I've been sorting through, but these are the moments I've fought for, and it feels powerful to have that reminder.
I have all this creative energy right now too, I'm not sure how I will release it...but I feel it coming through, and I have all this energy to do something useful, and to try out new things, sometof the things I mentioned in the other threads..
Aww that's really nice I think we all want what you describe re the being free and being 100% yourself. What you described earlier on re the music I get that feeling when I go running or to the gym but sometimes just enjoy listening to the music as I find it relaxes me and have also being working on being more mindful and can see, hear and feel more now that I guess I just blocked out before. You sound in a much happier place well done
These moments of living authentically in the moment will help you overcome those feelings (especially regret of lost youth) if this becomes your new normal. It's pointless to lament about the past nor do you want to set yourself up for future regret by not living fully today. Try living in the moment for 2-3 weeks and see how that impacts you. You may want to include a morning gratitude ritual as well.
I love music, it's such a part of my soul, it's with me through everything, good and bad. I know what you mean as well about feeling and hearing more than before. It's incredible how different life feels the more in touch we become with ourselves.
I will try that, both of those things you suggest. In fact I can start right now with being grateful... and I'll try it in the mornings as well. I'm grateful I was born gay, that I lived my life questioning and searching because the path it's taken me down has helped me forge meaning for myself. I'm grateful for my daughter, and for her imagination, her laughter, her questions and excitement about life, and just her; I'm grateful for the interesting and twisty path my life has taken and the experiences I've had along the way; I'm grateful for finding home, both internally and also in my city which has become an incredible warm community of lovely people surrounding me.. I'm grateful that I can be myself.
I love music too! I sing in the car. And sometimes I will sort of do the "Mrs. Doubtfire" thing when I clean the house. Even when I'm at work I listen to my ipod all day. It just gives me joy! I have taken out some of my cd's from highschool and listened to them. Some of the stuff I liked back then, I almost find it funny! Plus I'm a little bit silly.
The being ourselves but is a bit of a hiccup for me, because there is no such thing as a “self”. Buddhism and modern neuroscience are making that more evident apparently. So I’m not actually being anyone because no “one” is there. I think what you describe is being present according to eastern philosophy, not really being yourself. To be fully in the present moment
Yes - being present and living authentically in the moment as I posted in #4. Maybe you should give it a try (including daily gratitude)?
It certainly makes a world of difference for me. Frankly it's hard for me to imagine any one that wouldn't benefit from it. But I guess you could be the exception...
You may find this hard to believe, but I used to be negative and cynical like you. Then I came out and got to a healthier place. This blog details part of my journey - https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?blogs/healing-the-shame-of-being-gay-ec-2-0-edition.29/. Therapy was instrumental is breaking my negative thought patterns which made coming out possible. If you wish to continue the dialog, please create a new thread. I'm not going to respond here and further hijack the OP's thread of clarity and joy.
I love those moments Jedi, and music. points of crystal clear 'vision' sometimes rare are truly gifts, and worthy of our gratitude.
