It takes a village...do you have one?

Hello all late-in-lifers,

When I first came out to myself (and a close friend), I was given the advice to build a community of like minded LGBTQ folks because the whole process of coming to terms with one's sexuality is difficult to do alone. In other words, it takes a village (an LGBTQ village) to feel happy and healthy while dealing with sexual orientation issues, coming out, etc.

I'm extremely grateful for EC as this has been my virtual LGBTQ community...my village. But of course I need to start building my real-world community as well. This is the part that I haven't really done yet. I don't know why but I haven't made the effort to join groups or make friends in this manner. I don't know what's stopping me.

For all fellow late-in-lifers, have you had success in building your LGBTQ community? Has it been easy, hard, intimidating, etc.?

I really feel that I'm missing this in my life right now. I cherish my straight friends but I can't relate to them as much anymore. It's like my old life doesn't fit. I'd like to hear your experiences.

Thanks.
❤️❤️❤️

 

I understand you point of view. I am from a small rural area where there is little open community. It is there underground but if you don't know how to find it you won't. I understand why but it makes it hard to have like minded people to talk to. I have known people here that were actually fired for being gay. There is always another reason given but they still were fired for being out. Even my therapist here was not prepared to help with my coming out....I have OCD and she said the"gays"she knows almost all are obsessive so it might be because I am gay....it is because I had Rheumatic fever as a child and it can leave you with OCD but being gay meant I was obsessive...I do so understand its hard to find other lesbian friends... Where is the L-word groups? Huh?

 

I have never really built an LGBT group around me, perhaps because I found my girlfriend quite early on after coming out. I still have all of my straight friends and I agree there are certain things that they just don't get but I still love them all to bits. I do have a couple of LGBT friends but the pats because I either already knew them or happened upon them rather than seeking them out specifically.
We recently well a couple of years ago actually moved to a new area and we haven't really made any friends yet so I totally get where you are coming from, it's something we need to do but I don't know why we always put it off.

 

Yes, I agree and I don't know why I have put it off. Whenever anyone posts about their first LGBTQ meetup experience it's mostly good. It seems most people are intimidated at the start but then it works out well.
I would really like to find a group where the purpose isn't only singles and/or dating. I could date, but it would be nice to not have that pressure when right now I really would like to make more friends in the LGBTQ community.

 

@Rana,
From what I can tell - from my limited experience with the lesbian meetup I joined here - meetup, in general is not geared to singles looking to date. I think the women at the first few I went to were all single but that never came up so I couldn't be certain and at the last one I went to, there was one who was definitely coupled up and I knew this because a couple of times she called her gf to join us on the bike ride we were on but I don't think she wanted to drag herself out on a Sunday morning so she never showed up. ;}

It may come down to the local culture but I'm pretty sure most of the people who turn up are just happy to meet somebody new because you can never have too many friends. Or even friendly acquaintances if that's all they turn out to be!

 

I think a lot of groups are friends first kind of places.
I am sure couples happen from time to time but I guess that is a coincidence of getting a group of gay women together.

 

I understand about the village thing. The group here has been wonderful. And I recently joined another internet support group. This is all good stuff. But right, this is all internet based.

Still, when I tell my therapist about how important this forum has been to me, he reminds me not to discount it at all just because it is communication in a virtual way. That in this time in our lives, connecting virtually is a valid way to connect too. Recently I started hanging out a bit with an old friend from high school I reconnected with, and her partner. They have been in a 20 year committed lesbian relationship. This has been wonderful, they are a great support for me, and funny as hell too!

IDK, I'm just not much of a joiner in general. Even joining these online groups was ridiculously difficult for me! I lurked around for a long time. Sending my first message--again the struggle was real. And then posting my picture---really scary! And when I did it my therapist gave me a big high five--he knows how hard this stuff is for me and knows it was high five worthy!

All that said it stands to reason I find the idea of going to a meet-up scary. But like you say it seems most people have had an overall good experience. But it's something I can't seem to initiate for myself. It's almost like I need to suddenly get a random phone call from the meet-up person, 'Hi, I hear you are gay, would you like to meet up with the group Sunday at 10am at Panera?' Then I would probably go. Haha! If only it worked that way!

I

 

I wonder if it is something to do with responsibility and or taking the easy path. I guess perhaps for me it is but maybe not for everyone.
If someone asks me to something usually saying yes is easier than saying no, unless you have a valid reason to say no. That's what I mean by taking the easier path. Then with responsibility I guess it's similar, if someone invites me somewhere and I don't like it, it's almost like they can at least in my mind take some of the responsibly of me ending up in that situation. Whereas if I was proactive in setting up the situation it's my fault entirely.
I'm not sure if this is entirely true I guess more mind ramblings whilst I'm thinking about it.

I know for me it is certainly about finding my inner 10 seconds of bravery and pushing myself to go through the temporary discomfort to get to the glory of what I want on the other side. Ha I'm still working on it though.

 

@silverhalo

I think you are probably onto something here with the taking responsibility thing. As always you are quite wise. It's like if I do this on my own I will HAVE to deal with the way it goes, good, bad or otherwise. And if there is the tiniest chance it goes bad I will have to have the resiliency to be able to face that. And look at it objectively, and be okay with it, and not make a bigger deal of it than it is.

But right, if random person just invites me I can totally shift the responsibility to them in some wacky way!

 

I'm not sure I am wise, it just about looking at your feelings and trying to look beyond the surface feeling of I don't want to do that, and not allow yourself to barter or excuse yourself in a way which isn't honest. Not always easy though.

So all I have to do is call you and make you go...........job done!

 

Hahaha! Apparently so! Then it can be 'all your fault.'

 

I am entirely ok with this on one condition...........when you find your future girlfriend there I get to take a little bit of credit

 

You got it!

 

Love this post of yours Rana, and everyone's replys. Beautiful.

Can be a community of just two, a room filled meeting, or waving banners together in a parade, or of course here at EC. Or here downunder at the moment, our national Australian Marriage Law survey, is taking place - among the underatandle diveraity of discession, beliefs and wide ranging views, is also community, not only the LGBTQ community, but of layers, and fresh understanding, of growing tolerance, genuine concern for friends and families, and far reaching support. It's time to say Yes.

☺☺

Just posted the quote below on my profile and wanted to share here with you too... seems to me to fit beautifully...

'One of the beautiful things about human existence is how powerful we are when we come together.' By Moly Cules at buddhadoodles

 

Well, I wouldn't call it a village. More of a hovel.
My boyfriend is gay (shocker!). As is my best friend. And I feel like they're both invaluable. They add a perspective that my straight friends just lack, sometimes. So I'm definitely on the market for more of that!

Main drawback is that they both live quite a distance away, so contact is mostly on phone and over whatsapp. Meetups are always planned well in advance, and are more like holidays. Lovely, but sometimes I wish I had a gay friend to just go to a pub with, or hang out with on a whim.

On the front of meeting people closeby, however, my experience has been the same as moonsparkle's. There are GLBT groups and hangout places around here, but reaching out is intimidating. I have been to gay bars and clubs and even a swimming group once. But on all occasions I was dragged there nearly kicking and screaming by friends. Didn't talk to anyone except those friends. Usually went home prety happy at seeing I wasn't the only gay person out there.
But after a certain time, my friends seem to have decided: "So, he now knows the ropes, let's stop being a distraction so he can go on his own and meet new people!"
And I just never took over. Cue seven years later, and I have visited less gay bars than when I was still in the closet.

I have wracked my mind to find out why it is so intimidating. And the only real reason I can think of is that I am approaching it with too much pressure on myself.
I've literally spent all my time in the closet purposefully avoiding GLBT people, lest I be outed against my will. So I have to overcome that reflex, to start.
Add to that the desire to "get it right" first time. Which means that I feel the need to fit in immediately, make friends immediately, and relate to them immediately. Clearly something I can't guarantee, so it's hard not to feel like I should just "wait and prepare better".
And finally, it is easy to start imagining that they are, by now, "filled to capacity". Even if they'd like me. What do I have to add to their group? I can't think of anything (unsurprisingly, since I don't even know them), so I tend to decide that they're probably better off without me.

Ironically, I don't have that same problem with straight friends. I don't put those unreachable expectations on myself when going out to "straight" places, so I usually thrive in them.


It's only recently that I have been pondering giving a "gay village" another chance. Mostly after my boyfriend and best friend (independently of each other) were rather shocked at the revelation that I have no gay social circle to speak of. I've been out way longer than either of them, so they apparently just presumed I had developed one by now.

And when I talked to my straight friends about it, they were rather shocked too. They presumed that I had kept up the gay socialising. And that I my anxiety had to do with having them around instead of talking to "the gays"

Nothing much has changed in a practical sense just yet, but at least I feel like I have people to support me in this endeavor again. Lost seven years in the middle there, but I do suppose I should just focus on giving it another go.


So I do presume the lesson to take from this is: yes, having a gay village is great. No, it's not weird to be intimidated. Even otherwise self-assured people struggle with the fear of rejection. And also: don't discount online and gay friends. They are real friends too. And even if they can't be there in all ways a "gay village" could be, they can probably still be counted on to help you with this!

Also, kindly do report success stories. I'd really get some use out of them as encouragement in my own efforts ;-)

 

I have been really fortunate that I really always have had a village. I fell in with a group of guys literally the first time I went to a gay bar. They really became my core friend group for most of my twenties. They showed me the ropes and we were just kind of generally there for each other. There were usually about twenty of us. People came and went but it seems like there were always about the twenty of us at the core--but then, of course, there were their boyfriends and teammates and groupmates and it just kind of expanded from there. I'm still friends with most of that original twenty some twenty-five years later.

 

How wonderful to have such a community...25 years later says a lot.

 

I agree that to have a support system is always good, life would be less lonely and more colorful.

I avoid new things at all costs because I want to avoid uncomfortable situations. If I had someone I know to go to those meet-ups, I would not think too much. I tend to be a bit awkward when first meet someone and come off as timid and rude even.
I am grateful for those people who talked to me first and treated me as we have been friends for a while even though we just met. Those people are the "counterbalance" for people like me.

 

We're all here for you loepis...! We all need our counterbalances.

 

I do have a village.... I'm so incredibly lucky to have it. I don't know how common it is to have such a wonderful community, our city has an incredible LGBT centre which helps firm the warm, supportive, close-knit community I've become a part of. I consider it a massive help in my journey.