30, Missus, Mortgage, dog, DOUBT.

Your sentiments and confusion are very common here on EC. I relate so much. It is a crazy thing to suddenly start questioning where you are at on the spectrum. Keep reading here and keep posting. You will find you are very much so not alone. I have been questioning things intensely for a few months now. I too often wonder if I am polarizing or making a bigger deal out of things. But more often lately, on stronger days, I am about positive I am mostly gay. It's been a roller coaster and a lot of "two steps forward, one step back" for me. Keep searching! Don't give up, and be as honest as you can with yourself. I know it's a lot to be going through.

 

I totally understand. I always knew I like women but it was not accepted in my family so I suppressed it I did what was expected. 8 months ago my daughter came out to me it gave me the courage to tell my husband. Things are to say strained now because I don't know what to do. I have has several female relationships during separations from my husband that I pushed. He however is the only man I ever been with I'm not even attracted to men not at all but I do love him. However my craving for female affection is getting almost unbearable. We can talk sure we have a lot in common.

 

You said you've been aware that you're not 100% heterosexual since the age of 16 but you brushed it under the carpet, which is another way of saying you've repressed your true feelings. Repressing how we really feel can work for a certain amount of time, but it always bubbles away beneath the surface until we can ignore it no more and I think that's what's happening with you now. You're watching more gay porn (which isn't a good indicator in itself) and you've been close to making a pass at male friends when you've had a drink, so it's clear that something is going on.

You had sex with another guy when you was 18 and I just wonder how that came about? How did you feel about it? Over the years, have you thought about that one time with any degree of regularity and felt the urge to try it again? Do you check other guys out when you go to shops, or fantasise about men when you are alone with your thoughts? Your answers to these questions might offer a better indication of where things stand with your sexuality at this time. Apart from that one experience though, you have exclusively dated the opposite sex. Why do you think that is?

I think you are confused, but I don't think you are kidding yourself into believing something that's not really there. It sounds like you have kept a lid on things that really needed to be explored a few years ago. It's not pathetic that you are only now beginning to ask the questions of yourself though. If you examine things closely there could be any number of reasons why it's only happening now.

Use this forum to talk about what you are feeling and let's see if we can help you through it.

 

How would you feel about talking it all through with someone?

Is it all of a sudden though? During the past 8-10 years can you honestly say that all of the issues that seem so real and challenging now haven't come to mind?

Why now? Well, that's a question that often gets asked in this part of the forum and the answers are never quite the same. For some people it takes many more years of weighing our feelings against the pro's and con's of coming out and the impact it will have on others and that can be a powerful pull factor that keeps us where we are (I'm sure it's been playing on your mind too), but I think some people have been encouraged by the advancement in LGBT rights across the world and the growing acceptance of same sex relationships and partnerships. Regardless, most people arrive at a point where the repressed feelings can be held back no more. It's easy to place a lot of significance on age milestones, but this has all been bubbling away and could have surfaced at any time. For many people, 30 is quite early to be facing these issues.

 

You need to take your time and explore your true feelings. A lot of preconceived ideas build up over 30 years and suddenly things change. It takes time to adjust, to get your head around it, especially one's sexuality. Like you at first I masterbated to gay porn and felt crappy afterwards. However slowly it started to feel right, after my first sexual experience with a guy, I thought well I'll never do that again! Now almost 7 months later I am in a committed gay relationship and the happiest I have ever been. As you explore your sexuality you will find embracing your homosexuality is a marathon rather than a sprint. You will find your way, just give it time and be honest with yourself.

 

As ConfusedEast said, it all takes time. It is an acclimating process of realizing your sexuality. Try to not drive yourself crazy overthinking things (I have been guilty of that). Pay attention to how you respond to men versus women and try and be open to anything. Try writing out your thoughts and feelings each day. It has taken me several months just to get to a place that I am pretty sure of where my sexuality lies. I'm glad everyone's comments have been helpful!

 

While certainly no expert it does seem to me that you are starting the process of acknowledging your homosexuality at least to your self. You are beginning to realize that a girlfriend of any kind might not be in your future. I had a very similar experience, the more I engaged in acknowledging my homosexuality the more hostile I became towards my then GF. She had done nothing wrong, it was me! I was changing so quickly that towards the end I didn't even want to touch her. I had absolutely no interest in being intimate with her and at the end I was not physically capable any longer. Instead of bothering me, I felt it was a release and a validation that I was indeed gay. While this might seem harsh, I was completely happy the day we ended our relationship. That same night I was in the arms of the man that would become my boyfriend; I have never looked back and can't say that I miss any part of a straight relationship. Again I am not saying this will be your experience, this is what happened to me. The process is indeed intense but don't let yourself get sidetracked, be honest with yourself and you will find the path you are meant to follow.

 

I remember those first few weeks that I admitted to myself that I may be gay.. that my attractions towards women were big and may threaten my marriage. A HUGE wall went up and I was eaten away with guilt like I was holding in a massive secret. I only last two miserable weeks before I told my husband what I was going through. It helped and made me feel so much better. But then the floodgates opened and there was no turning back. In the end it was better that we went through the crisis together although none of it has been easy.

I'm so sorry you're struggling. It sounds like this has been a big week for you. Try and take things one day at a time.

 

So many guys on EC have admitted to having had sex with men before marrying women as they thought it was just 'meaningless sex'. Only for the reality to bite later down the road. The desire to sleep with someone of the same sex indicates something. I feel a lot of guys are overlooking this because of shame and internalised homophobia. They think sex is ok as long as feelings are not involved. That disconnect happens because of being brought up in a heteronormative society. In books, films, TV and in public it is heterosexual feelings that are displayed as romantic. It takes time to accept the feelings but it will come. It is important not to resist it but listen to your inner self (which you are) and treat yourself with love. Do not feel guilty about your feelings. Express your thoughts freely on EC.

Another issue is gay lifestyle which is highly publicised - multiple sex partners, bath houses, diseases etc. This also dissuades many guys from coming out as they just want to lead a normal life like anyone else and are scared and do not want to lead the type of life portrayed publicly. I feel this also leads to desire to cling on to heterosexual life as much as possible.

 

C,

Your story is very similar to mine. I was 24 when I first started dating my now fiancé, we have been together 8 years also and have the mortgage and pets together. I recently came out to her and I can tell you it was one of the best things I ever did. The weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

It took me a really long time (10-12 months) between internally accepting that I'm gay/bi and actually admitting it to her. In hindsight, I regret taking so long to tell her, only because those 12 months were pure torture, I was constantly beating myself up about it and was always feeling guilty, even though I hadn't done anything wrong. Early on I was also in complete denial, hoping every day that the same sex attractions would dissolve and disappear and that I could go back to my "normal life".

The important thing to know which is something I didn't fully believe before making the leap is that just because you tell your wife/ partner, it doesn't mean your relationship instantly has to end. We are currently having discussions about entering an open relationship or going on a break. Ultimately it may mean the end of my relationship at some point, but the biggest mistake I made with all of this was I kept looking way too far into the future. Just take each day as it comes.

Good luck!