The nature of attraction

Hello, I've been reading EC for a while but haven't been up to posting much. I've been questioning my sexuality since last autumn. I guess my story is fairly typical: platonically in love with best girl friend as a child but didn't make anything of it, never much into dating, not much of a sex life, married the second man I met, had a child, the relationship fell apart for other reasons although we're still married and living together as co-parents and house mates and get on alright once the requirement of intimacy was removed. Then I fell in love with a woman. I can't have a romantic relationship with her for various reasons but I'm grateful to her for being the catalyst. The reasons I fell in love with her are complicated (she is a sort of mother figure to me among other things) but the sexual part of it took me by surprise and, without knowing it, she made me ask the question: could I feel like that about other women? And I had to admit to myself that I could.

Then followed the alternating relief that yes, that's it, my life finally makes sense and the doubt that no, can't be, that would be far too simple, I'm just making it all up.

So I'm giving it time, living in an interim, without labels, observing, questioning...

And here's what I'm wondering at the moment: when people talk about attraction, what do they mean?

I'm noticing that when a man catches my eye, the feeling is sort of theoretical, there's something interesting about him but I couldn't say exactly what. I would like to get to know him but not necessarily physically. It's almost as if his body is somehow in the way of what I find interesting about him. When a woman catches my eye (now that I even comtemplate that, before I just didn't go there...!) I notice various physical details about her and I can imagine and sometimes almost feel what it would be like to touch her and I would want to. Sometimes it feels as if the physical attractiveness overrides any interest in her personality. Although that's just talking about people I don't know well. I love the catalyst woman for her personality too.

How would you describe your experience when you're attracted to someone? For instance when out of a room full of people your eyes pick out that one for some reason, any gender, do you call that attraction?

 

Thank you for the replies.

usagibryan - Interesting that you have a similar experience. I wonder what is it about women that is so immediately appealing. For me this is all just thoughts, though, I never act on the attractions in any meaningful way... way too shy.

I'm gay - the example really helps.
This is probably different than what you describe but your example reminded me of it. I've had this thing happen with men often in the past where I would notice him or maybe notice him notice me and it was as if we were connected by an invisible thread or something, I was always aware where he is in the space where it was happening. Pretending not to notice him and act normal. It was mostly uncomfortable, made me nervous and like I couldn't quite be myself while I'm bound by the thread. Going up and talking to the man would have been difficult in that state. Is that what attraction feels like? Feels weird and unhealthy somehow.

Today I met the catalyst woman and while my feelings for her come and go, today they were definitely there. Although she makes me nervous a bit it feels quite different. Even for the rest of the day I felt quite gay until the evening when I go to a class and there's a young man who joined recently and for some mysterious reason I've got the above thing going on with him where I find it very hard to be myself. Like I need to somehow get his attention without really wanting to. Or do I want to? So confusing to sort out one's motivations...! For me it's not simple... or not yet anyway.

 

Thank you everyone for your input!

So is it normal for attraction to feel basically unpleasant? A nervousness bordering on fear? Or maybe it's just me being weird. Or maybe it's to do with my general low self esteem and not sexuality... But I mostly feel like that around men. If a man shows an interest in me I want to hide. Subjectively, men feel 'dangerous' and women feel 'safe'. It could be because a woman has never shown any sexual interest in me so I lack the experience to properly compare... I married a man who was relatively safe and not pursuing me. I've always liked cross dressing women in fiction because they could relate to men and hide from them at the same time, the sexual element wasn't in the way. Anybody relate?

 

That's a good tip. I just sometimes find it hard to separate out any positive feelings at all. As if sometimes it's all adrenaline and no dopamine (not that I have a clue how they really work...!) I suppose nervousness could be positively translated as excitement, maybe?

Me too. But then there are other men that my straight friends don't find attractive but I notice. Wish it was simple...

I think I know what you mean but I don't know why it could be. It reminds me of a video I once saw about some sexuality research. The people in the experiment (identified with various sexual preferences) watched and listened to erotic stories (straight and gay) and the researchers measured their physical reactions and then had them self-evaluate how arousing they found it. I forget what they made of it but remember that in some people there was a difference between the physical reaction and the subjective evaluation.

I used to get the positive excitement and butterflies around some men in the past and then more recently around the trigger woman. Well, maybe I'm bisexual. But then it's still so different when it's just theoretical, just people watching and knowing nothing is going to happen than actually being in a situation when something could happen. Even with the trigger woman it's 'safe' because nothing can happen. Maybe I wouldn't like it if something was about to happen with a woman. But then why do I even have the thoughts and fantasies??

Also just watching people in the street, there's a difference in the way men look back in that sort of checking you out way which carries with it the sexual tension and for me the 'danger' or apprehension and some sort of need to submit to something, while women mostly don't look back or in a totally neutral way which feels safe and makes me feel like the more active party in the exchange. I really wonder what it would feel like being checked out by a woman... Must get out more!

I talked to someone recently about the questioning and the fact that she accepted and acknowledged it suddenly made it feel terribly real and not theoretical at all. It was mostly fear and thinking what am I doing? this is not me at all, these are just fantasies, I'm making it all up, even kissing a woman would be totally weird and I couldn't do it in reality.

So confusing. The fact that I have very little sexual experience doesn't help.

 

RJay - thank you for the kind words. There are periods when I'm fine just letting it all be what it is and then others, like just now, when I go into the intense overthinking mode. Totally agree about therapy, the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Obvs. coming at it from a totally different perspective but I hear you on that one. That's my experience with some men (can't compare women, really) and it doesn't even have to be sexual - that for them I'm not me but more of an accessory.

And to continue my own ramblings...
I’ve noticed something else – the link between the kinds of attraction and self-consciousness. What I described above with men (the weird tied with a string feeling) is basically extreme self-consciousness. It’s as if I suddenly start seeing myself from his (imagined) perspective and I can’t act naturally. It’s unpleasant because I’m not myself. I become who I imagine (probably totally wrongly) he wants me to be. And I can’t stop it. That’s why I said it seems unhealthy. Whereas some other times, like with the trigger woman and maybe one or two men, there’s nervousness but it’s me who’s experiencing it. I’m so involved in my feelings that I don’t think about what s/he sees. Well, not sure how it ties in with sexuality... now that I’ve typed it it sounds like some weird people pleasing issues or something...