36 but still can't deal with it

I've written a message what feels like 1000 times to a gay friend who I know will be supportive and help. But I can never send it and end up just shaking and having to shut all this away. It's like a wall I can't get over. Know it sounds idiotic because it's such a simple thing. That's why I find this so frustrating.

 

Then use here as your training ground.

Instead of sticking here get around, answer to threads on more light-hearted parts. We are very friendly bunch around here and won't bite unless you want us to.

Being gay is not what/who you are, just a part of you.

(*hug*)

 

That's my basic idea! Probably sounds very strange but it's really nice to interact on here. Can kind of feel like I am actually being what I've been running away from for so long. Feels great just to be able to be a gay man somewhere for once!

 

That's one of the best things about EC. I had exactly the same feeling when I started interacting on here, and it has been invaluable, giving me a lot more confidence to address this in person as well. I've definitely found confiding in gay friends was really helpful too, and now I'm beginning to be fine being out to most people - though for some reason family and certain longtime friends I haven't felt comfortable coming out to yet, but I'm going to soon anyway - so far I've found it really liberating every time I come out to someone, its just a case of facing the fear and doing it anyway :icon_bigg

 

I'm hoping that the same thing will work for me. Right now, I am still struggling to see a point where I can take the big steps I need to, but maybe a lot of very small steps might help. It's inspiring to hear so many people have been able to make progress though.

 

Hey,

You're not the only one I am in a similar place. I acknowledged that I was gay three years ago and I'm now 31. I've found it difficult, much more difficult than I thought it would be. I think it happens in baby steps at least it has for me and don't try to push forward too much at once. Many of issues are starting to dissolve a bit but I've not told many people mainly as I don't want it to be such a defining feature of my life. It feels like I've built up a persona for such a long time but now I have to step out of it... Difficult.

It is a massive challenge.

 

It only takes one. That's my best advice. I came out at 34. There were times when I never thought I would. But I had at least one friend (and really many more) to whom I knew I could confide this. It was tough, but I told her. And there is a positive snowball effect: once I told one, and it went well, I wanted to tell others. Three+ years later I'm engaged to be married and excited about the rest of my life -- and it all started with one.

 

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting it to becoming a defining characteristics. It's difficult because it becomes such an overwhelming concern that it's hard for it not to be. I definitely agree that small steps are the way.

---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 10:11 PM ----------

Congratulations for making so much progress. Know it can't have been easy but it's inspiring that you've managed to get to where you are.

In terms of telling people, I know there's a lot of friends who would be supportive and who I should tell - just keep hitting that mental block when I just panic and want to hide whenever I try to do it. I've never had any problems like this before and it's frustrating that I can't get past it - even though I know that, like you say, probably one simple message would probably start everything off very well.

 

I'm curious, which do you think is the more immediate priority: having gay experiences or telling others that you are gay?

It seems like you're struggling with both, but perhaps things might be easier if you were to narrow your focus.

 

I see the priority as being just trying to take a step of any kind really and just being able to make progress in terms of actually being true to myself. Right now, I seem unable to talk to anyone (except on here, which has been a real help) about it, I can't go on a date, I can't be friends with anyone as a gay man (although I do have gay friends) or seem to make a step of any kind.

It feels like the priority is just to break this cycle of having to hide such a big part of myself in any way I can. It seems whatever happens I end up just having this horrible panic reaction and not be able to deal with the world. Then I just try and cut this part of myself off.

What you suggest (narrowing focus) makes a lot of sense, although it feels like I have tried various different focuses over time and always fail. Right now, more than anything, I just feel like I need to share what I am and I think the best thing I can do is just get to a position where I can tell somebody I know for the first time. But any step I try and take, even as simple as that, ends up with me having these problems.

My fear is that I have hidden my true sexuality and my real self (because being gay is a pretty big part of who I am, or should be, even though it's only one aspect of me) for so long that I will never be able to get through it.

 

If you want you could try therapy, not just any therapy, look around or ask for a good one. It has helped my mostly with my anxiety which helps to discover my own tools to start doing some changes. For me reaaally slow but firm changes.
I'm kind of tired of "being gay" as the main topic in my brain, but I guess it will get easier eventually

 

I have occasionally wondered if some kind of professional help is what I need. It's good to hear that you've had some positive results. I'll accept really slow. Like you, I'm very tired of being gay being the thing that is constantly on my mind and would like to work through it.

Any suggestions of what kind of therapy might be needed? Are there specialists in this area? Will have a look around online but it would be interesting to know what sort of things have helped you.

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

The thing is, it's okay if gay is the only thing on your mind, as long as you're enjoying it. I'm having the time of my life and don't want it to stop (though at my age, I've got to ask myself, "How long can this go on?"). I think you'll find you have a very different perspective once you come out, and it sounds like therapy could help. As others have said, it's a process, and it snowballs — with each coming out it gets easier. You'll come out when the pain of staying in the closet overwhelms the fear of coming out.

 

I think it would be fine if I could actually take the next step. I would love to be able to start functioning as a gay man and living as one, just want to take those first steps. Being here is definitely helping.

 

After I determined to do so, it still took me a full year to take the first step — that of telling my wife. I told my kids the next day and everyone else shortly thereafter. That was more than two years ago. I consider myself fully out, but I still get caught short occasionally. The other day, I was speaking on the telephone to the scheduler for a colonoscopy and she asked me what drugs I'm on. I mentioned Truvada as PrEP, and she said, "Just a minute." When she came back on, she said, "We don't have any record of you having HIV." I said, "I don't have HIV. That's why I'm on Truvada." She said, "Well, why do you need to be on it?" I sucked up my guts and said, "Because I'm a gay man who has sex with other men." That seemed to fluster her somewhat. I remained calm and explained the whole thing to her and when I had finished she said, "Thank you for educating me." This was not a conversation I could have even imagined having two years ago, and I was proud to realize afterward that I'd felt not even a qualm telling someone on the phone that I am gay.

 

Honestly, my question was more rhetorical than anything. I'm 37 and still can't deal with it, so I 100% understand where you are coming from.

I've tried everything I can think of, but I can't seem to force myself to accept that I'm gay, any more than I can force myself to stop fantasizing about gay sex.

I really hope you figure it out because I would like to know!

 

I think for me the acceptance of being gay won't be like removing the stone of the shoe and keep walking and forget about it. It's something I would have to always deal with. So I think that is why it is so hard. It's hard to understand that it is not a problem or something that has to be "solved". We need to learn to love ourselves from top to bottom first I guess...
Actually coming out so a very good friend was interesting because it feels like jumping from a cliff and then realizing that it is just 2 inches tall... I think I fantasize too much about the horrible road that lies ahead but maybe is not that bad...
We need to get out of our heads first

 

It's very inspiring to hear things like that, especially when you had the added complications of having a wife to tell. It's almost like a fantasy of mine to be able to be out and to be able to be openly gay to the point of having a conversation like you described, as I am so desperate to get to that point. People who have come so far do give me hope.

---------- Post added 9th Aug 2016 at 07:26 PM ----------

It is a big challenge. The strange thing is that I feel in many ways like I have accepted it in myself - Day to day it is men that I am attracted to, when I imagine my ideal future it's a,ways about being in a gay relationship and I don't try to force myself to think of women that way, as I used to. But my reaction to taking any kind of step, no matter how small, to living that way makes me wonder if I really have accepted it as much as I think I have. Is it like that for you or do you not feel any level of acceptance?

---------- Post added 9th Aug 2016 at 07:33 PM ----------

That's a good analogy about the two-inch cliff! In one way, the idea of coming out to people feels so easy, yet in others it feels so impossible. I do agree that the problems clearly must lie internally. I'm not worried as such about people's reactions, or I don't think I am, it's more me not allowing myself to be gay in any meaningful way. You are probably right in that it's something that can never be got rid of for good and that it must always be dealt with. It's hard because all of this has become very draining for me and is constantly playing on my mind to the point where it's dominating my life. And I feel like coming out and actually being able to deal with having made that step into actually living the life I know I'm meant to will at least mean it's not playing on my mind constantly. That first step that you have taken, of coming out to one friend, is something I'd very much like to do and It's good to hear that for you it went well.

 

I have no idea if this is even possible for you are even would work for someone else. After I came out to my wife as a bisexual we started discussing how I could integrate gay into my life. It made no sense to us for me to be gay without being around other gay men. My wife and I had not yet decided that my gay activities could include sex.

But, I put a profile on a hookup site for friends only. It worked. I met a couple guys that really wanted the same thing. Just to be gay with another guy...without the sex. Doing this I started building, slowly, a network of gay and bi friends and attended a gay camp out.

None of this requires me to be "gay" all the time. Maybe being bi, it is different. But, it has not become as defining as I thought it would.

 

That feeling of being in a pressure cooker with the pressure building is, I think, quite common for those of us on the threshold of coming out. You can think of nothing else, while at the same time you're trying your best to maintain your outward composure. You want so badly to come out, you even approach the brink, but you just can't take that final step. Each time you retreat you beat yourself up. I know, I've been there.

Heval is right, it is a 2-inch cliff, but you can't see it because you haven't (yet) gone over the brink.

I repeat: you WILL come out when the pain of remaining in the closet overwhelms the fear of coming out.

Have you identified the first person you would like to come out to? Have you thought about how that scenario would go? You don't need to write a script beyond "There's something I have to tell you — I'm gay." The rest of the script will write itself. In many, many instances, you'll find the person will be supportive, will already have guessed, or will just not care that much. You may even experience something of a letdown in the first 24 hours after coming out (when you finally realize it really was a 2-inch cliff!). Something that helped me, and I hope may help you, is to set a deadline for telling that person. Even though I hesitated right up to the last minute, in the end, I made my deadline.

Wishing you luck (*hug*)