Codependency

I've realized recently, and really am trying to own, that I clearly fit the bill for somebody who is codependent. And I don't like it.

Here's the checklist of common signs of somebody who is codependent. I'll throw into parentheses how I feel each one fits me:

Low self-esteem (very much true, I tend to feel very down on myself and constantly look for validation from other people. One of my friend's calls this "fishing for compliments" and it annoys me, and I get why. I shouldn't need somebody to tell me I did something well, I should just trust in myself that I am good at things)

People pleasing (I think you all know I'm a huge people pleaser. Whether it is family, friends, or my significant other, I make a lot of decisions based on what I think will make others happy versus making myself happy. I have an extremely hard time saying NO)

Poor boundaries (I definitely have it hard sometimes setting up boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others. Sometimes I wish I had more boundaries as that would make me feel like I had more respect for myself)

Reactivity (I can be very defensive, and tend to feel attacked when things don't go my way or my opinion isn't validated)

Caretaking (This is a big one. I am somebody who looks to take care of other people over taking care of myself, be it emotionally or financially or physically. It isn't even putting the needs of others before my own. It is focusing on the needs of others so I don't even have to focus on my own)

Control (I know I can be a very controlling person and genuinely become irrationally angry when things don't go exactly how I want them to)

Dysfunctional communication (I think this is where things like my insistence to not always be truthful with everybody comes in. Sometimes I wish I could just own my decisions and tell everybody about them, regardless of what judgment they might put forth onto me about it)

Obsessions (I'm not sure that I entirely get how this one fits in, but I'm sure that it does in a way. I guess I've been obsessed with people at times)

Denial (Well....I think we found the pink elephant in the room)

Problems with intimacy (I've definitely had people, including my therapist when I was seeing him, tell me that my leaning on sex is a clear indicator that I don't really know how to be intimate with people. That I use sex as an easy fix to feel the kind of intimacy that you should actually be able to feel in a relationship without it. I see the truth to this)

Painful emotions (So what I'm reading basically says that being codependent tends to come with feelings such as shame, anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. I think I can safely say in the past year I've checked off almost all of those boxes. Great...haha)

More than anything else, right now, I want to stop being a codependent person. I've probably been this way my entire adult life. I don't think I realized it in my first relationship because my partner then gave me everything I wanted. She enabled my codependency. Really it is only when you have somebody resisting you and refusing to give in to you do you realize exactly how bad being codependent is. I don't like the feelings that it brings up in me and I don't want to be that way anymore.