Reflecting on coming out to my family

Sometimes I want a face to face person.

 

Mom called again tonight. She continues to be sad, saying she can't believe it's real, periodically reminding me that having a relationship with a woman is wrong. I was messenging a friend while I was on the phone, and she commented, "Let her know that enjoying boobs actually does not impact your long term memory." Lol. If she does that much in the future, I may give her the "thinking girls are pretty" variation on that.

I told my mom I have a therapist. Lord, I want my mom to get her own therapist. I don't know if telling her about mine will help or not.

Mom talked to a trusted person at her work about me coming out. Sounds like the girl was basically marveling that mom didn't yell and scream at me, that she couldn't have been so nice. It occurs to me, mom talking to random people in rural appalachia is not likely to help her find progressive minds, especially when her criteria is that she is looking for "prayer warriors". I messaged a friend from my hometown who is progressive and generally awesome. Maybe when she gets back to me we could think about any people or resources around there that would be helpful. My awesome friend also has an awesome mom, who is basically the honorary mom to all of the local community theater scene, so Ibet she knows every slightly gay person in town. Maybe we could get our moms to be friends. I think maybe they knew each other when mom played piano at their church back in the day.

Mom said she doesn't know any gay women. I resisted the urge to be like, "You do now!!!" I think she meant couples. I made some joke about Iggy and Ruth from Fried Green Tomatoes. Mom was all like, "They were gay!?!?!?! Isaw it three times!! I'm so oblivious."

At one point mom told me that it would be ok if Ijust had a roommate. I tried to explain that "roommate" for adult women is usually a code word for a relationship that is more than roommates. She kep being like, "But your great aunt had a roommate." I was like, "How long were they together." She said, "I don't know. A loooooong time." So, there you go.

So, I like to binge watch things, so early on I sent mom a link to a youtube playlist. (This is a show for parents of gay* kids.) I think she avoided that. I later sent a link to an individual video. She did watch that. So, I should probably send her a single, relevant video fairly often. Right now, I think some sort of not overly academic video about being a gay Christian would be helpful. More feels, less high brow.

Also, I think mom is kind of conflating the arguments that gay relationships are wrong because "Bible" and gay relationships are wrong because "unnatural". Like, she's more or less saying, the Bible says it's wrong for a woman to make a woman because they can't have babies together. Also, she seems to have some element of weird social darwinism, implying that as a person with education (does she mean a white person??!??!??) I should have kids, because "people without much education" (Does she mean black people??!??!??)have more kids. Ugh. So many levels of partriarchal, religious, racist, homophobic bullshit.

I dislike that she thinks that having biological babies is the thing that seems to make relationships morally acceptable, but she's ok with straight couples adopting, and she really admires my cousin for committing to raise step kids, but if I talk about maybe someday adopting or raising step kids (cuz, surprise, lesbians sometimes already have kids), then it's bad and unnatural and (implied) not a real family.

She was saying things on the Dissappointment theme again, basically like people have hopes and dreams for their kids, and then they're gay. I was trying to explain that, one, being LGBT is not the whole of anyone's identity (Got to teach her what that acronym means) and we can still do all the things people hope and dream. She was trying to say that like my grandmother would want me to have a relationship and children. I was trying to explain that by coming out, I'm actually making that dream MORE likely than if Ikeep doing what I've been doing. Her brain made this record screaching sound and just kept saying, "But that's wrong." Blarg.

Ifelt like Igot to do more joking this conversation. Joking and playing feels more authentic to me, and it's a really effective way to handle my mom. Glad I'm getting back there.

I think that's all I care to write about write now. Catch yall later.

---------- Post added 31st May 2016 at 01:24 AM ----------

Mom was saying she thinks about why I'm "like that," wondering if God is punishing her by making me "like that". (Cuz, once again, it's all about her.) I tried to playfully point out that a God who is so whiny and petty about her not going to church regular that he would give her some random, unrelated "punishment"..... That God's kind of an asshole. So, that must not be it. (My version being that I don't really care to engage in religion with such an asshole diety, but I'll let mom draw whatever conclusions that do not include devine punishement for her actions.) I messaged my friend about this. Her response: "Yeah. Also..as bad as it sounds…girls turn you on. Like, is that really a punishment? If he's going to do some sort of modern smite, making somebody gay doesn't seem bad in the scheme of, you know, boils and killing children and rivers turning to blood? haha" I don't think it's a punishment either, but, mom won't see it that way yet. I wish Ihad something to give her to address her desire to know *why*.

---------- Post added 31st May 2016 at 01:29 AM ----------

When I talked about having a therapist, mom was like, "I guess she sees a lot of people *like that*." I was trying to explain that LGBT people do tend to get therapy a lot, not because they are LGBT but because we can get anxious and depressed because the world is mean and tries to tell us that who we are is bad or wrong, and that's really hurtful, that we don't have problems because we are LGBT, but because of how people treat us mean or shame us or make us feel bad. I also referenced that I really did try to be straight or act straight or change or make this go away or try to ignore it, and all those things hurt me, and I want to stop hurting myself.

Mom really is trying, and she's learning. She just..... doesn't know anything.

 

I just emailed this video to mom about "Why". Pretty direct, helpful, and not too long.

https://youtu.be/jnxYQOyLvlY

 

Randy, thank you for reading and sharing. It feels encouraging to feel not alone and remind myself that things will probably settle out. Also makes me want to go back and read through some of my stuff again. Oh, and I can TOTALLY see my mom saying that Josh Duggar comment!

---------- Post added 31st May 2016 at 11:23 AM ----------

One of the things mom said last night..... It kind of feels like she wants to set some kind of boundary in order to be a good Christian, and she's kind of making up stuff. And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to act sad, like accepting that I'm grounded or something??? My response is to turn her boundary lemons into lemonade, but Idon't know if that's going to make her find bigger, meaner boundaries to set than if I just pretended to be sad about it?

The thing she said, was that if Ilive with "someone, that way, like more than a roommate" that she would stay at a hotel rather than staying at my house when visiting. Honestly, she already kind of shames me for having cats, tries to make me feel guilty that I got these pets that I enjoy every day but also might make her feel itchy one day out of the year. So, she already "threatens" to get a hotel rather than spending the night in home with cats. And, I'm perfectly happy for her to have a hotel Sounds great. So, what Isaid in response.... I was trying to not say, "Great! I like having my space and your space be in different buildings!".... What I said was, "Yeah, well, most ladies who like ladies have cats, so if I were with someone, we would probably have like at least four cats in the house, so you'd probably want to get a hotel anyway because of that. Cuz, really, there would be a lot of cats." Like, are you alergic to lesbianism? Shouldn't be. Allergic to cats? Yeah, let's focus on that.

 

Thanks, Bunny.

Mom hasn't called for a few days. It's a relief to go several days without being reminded that I'm going to hell.

Mom watched this 45 minute long documentary that I sent her. I was really proud. It's called Through My Eyes, and it's basically interviews with very normal-seeming Christian gay people. Big empathy builder. I keep saying to mom that I'm "figuring out" religion even though I feel very disconnected from Christianity now. I'm working out being out as gay. I don't feel ready to be out as being agnostic or whatever. I want spirituality to exist and be a part of my life. I don't want spirituality to feel like the patriarchy holding me down.

But, anyway, I'm really proud of my mom for watching a 45 min documentary for me. She's really trying hard.

She said in her email that they got my coming out package. She said dad just kind of walked away and let her open it. Sounds like she has looked some at the reading material I sent. Dad is talking to me, but not about sexuality stuff. About, like, the life span of a typical home air conditioning unit. I am sad that in order for me to feel open and authentic, I have caused him pain. I don't think I have harmed him, but I do think I have made him hurt. Mom is hurting, too, but I can see that she is moving through it. I can't tell if dad is progressing or not. I feel like coming out was selfish. My brain says that's not true/accurate. I do have that feeling, though.

 

Ooh! Thank you!

 

I did a lot of crying. I messaged my friend for a while to talk about it and then cleaned for a while. I'm glad I'm not crying right now....

I should eat lunch before I type this...

Does just eating a lot of cheese count as lunch?

Ok. Mom called today. She hadn't called in 4 or 5 days, and during this post coming out season, that's a long time, so I didn't want to ignore her. The first part of the conversation was not that bad. And, at one point later in the conversation she pretty casually used the phrase "you're gay" if a sentence about other (hurtful) stuff without a lot of emotion behind it, and I will consider being able to just say the words a huge win.

Hurtful thing, though. She told me that she could not love the same a child who was not biologically her grandchild. She seemed to be saying this from a "I just want you to know" kind of perspective, like, hey, heads up, if you ever are a mom, I'll probably treat your child differently and make them feel inferior and never really have true love for them in my heart since they aren't genetically related to me. Ohmygod!!!!! What new level of asshole are you, mom!?!?!?! She tried to make it not about sexuality because she said she felt the same way when my sister in law told her they were considering adoption due to fertility issues. (They both had diagnosed problems that limited their fertility and didn't conceive for like 3 years of trying. Then they got super lucky, I think.) I want to know if she said the same inconsiderate bullshit to my sister in law and that's one reason that my sister in law hates her. ARG!! Mom!!! You're terrible!!!

Like, I didn't know people were even still biggots about this. Like, I want to be a parent and love a child. Like, I don't care if the kid is a step child or an adopted child or a child conceved with gamete donation or what. Like, ohmygawd, are you serious!? I mean, I know there are people who are biggots about interracial adoption, but not just adoption period?? Not in America, anyway. Mom, congrats. You are litterally the only person I know who is backwards and biggoted in this particular way.

And, are you such an emotional idiot, mom, that you really didn't see that it would hurt my feelings to tell me that you wouldn't love ("I'm not saying I wouldn't love them. I'm just saying there's different levels of love.") my hypothetical future children?? Like, saying you will be discriminatory to my possible future child is REALLY insulting!!!! Either, 1) You didn't realize you were being mean and insulting have have some kind of really super severe emotional brain damage or 2) You knew this was mean and insulting are the AN EVEN WORSE ASSHOLE THAN I EVER IMAGINED!!

Mom, did you miss the 2 years that I worked for an adoption agency and the other 7 years from my life that I have worked with women considering placing their kids for adoption and/or working with adopted kids and foster kids??? Shit, mom??? Do you just think my whole career is shitty, too???

Also, I told mom that I haven't sought a diagnosis because I don't want surgery, but I'm pretty sure my uterus is a total wreck (not said, with problems that I genetically got from mom) so even if I were straight and married to a man, I would still probably look towards adoption. So sorry my kid won't have your genetics mom, because my uterus is broken BECAUSE OF YOUR F***ING GENETICS. Natural selection in action!! Thanks for judging me, mom, for considering caring for a child not genetically related to you, a child not genetically the source of all the giant fibroids eating away at my reproductive organs. Arg. Don't want a kid related to you anyway, cuz that might increase their likelihood of being an asshole.

Mom was kind of saying that she might learn to love a child more as she spends more time with them. I refrained from saying that if she is discriminating against my child, treating them as less than, or making them feel bad about themselves, I will PROTECT said child FROM her, not expose them to her abuse more hoping she will come around. Because, surprise, good moms love and protect their kids, even from grandma.

Hell, mom.

I know I only came out to mom like less than two weeks ago, and I till expect her to be a serious asshole right now and I have some grace points for her based on that. I had planned to give her a year to be an idiot about all this. Today she got her timeline shortened to pre-thanksgiving.

When she set the "boundary" of hypothetically prefering to stay at a hotel when visiting me if I had a lady partner, I didn't get upset and I turned the whole thing into a joke about lesbians and cats. I was worried that being chill instead of sad and rejected would cause her to set some other artificial boundary just to hurt me. I wonder if this is that.

Also, I feel like she is trying to follow the "coming out" logic of saying something that hurts under the guise of honesty as an excuse to say whatever the hell hurtful thing she wants. I'm fairly sure that if I confront her, she will basically say that. Also, I feel like she's trying to find a dysfunctional way to be "honest" to get back at me for telling my hurtful truth to her.

I'm starting to tear up again instead of just being pissed. So, maybe find lunch part 2.

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2016 at 02:50 PM ----------

I think I need to draft an email about please talk to someone other than me about the things that are on your mind so you have a chance to stop and think if they might be hurtful BEFORE you say them to me. If you are hurting me by accident, please take steps to stop, because I believe that you want to not hurt your ([snark]genetically related[/snark]) daughter. If you don't do that, and you keep saying hurtful things, I'm going to start assuming that you're hurting me on purpose.

 

Morgana, how is it your fault if my mom is a dick?

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2016 at 03:43 PM ----------

Morgana, if you are referring to this:

I didn't really want to be a debbie downer when you orginally posted that, but I know my mom well enough to know that her normal baseline is her baseline, and by a fluke doing pretty darn well when I came out did not change that baseline. Honestly, by the time you posted that, she had already started to regress to her mean (mean pun, bwa). I haven't made any decisions differently based on you saying that. It helps me to keep some level of optimism about mom in terms of having "high hopes and low expectations." Like, hey, maybe she will surprise us and be good, or at least be a person.

It is not your fault that my mom is a dick. Though, I sure she will defer her personal responsibility for her actions to you if you give her the chance.

 

Really, could you please post the link? The embedded one doesnt work on my android devices. I think I have seen that one, though. He says to expect your parents to freak out and say lotsmof stupid stuff, but to keep maturely engaging with them in their freak out for like a year. Right now, we are 12 days post coming out. Got a lot of crazy to go. But, also, today the 12 months of allowing them to be stupid before withdrawing my presence got cut in half. I cannot tollerate a set of holidays with her crazy. If she cant consistenly act like a person by thanksgiving, I wont be there for holidays. If she continues to disrespect my feelings, eventually she will no longer have the opportunity to do so.

Today it helped that when she called back, I texted saying I was done on the phone for the day, because I didnt want to cry on the phone any more, and I said she coukd text or email. I think it made her stop and think about what she was saying, and she had to actually read/ listen to what I was saying, instead of living in the false reality of her brain. We ended ok. I hope today is a one off for this topic.

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2016 at 07:33 PM ----------

Tiny Owl, I LOVE that song! I think my mom might like the song but not the video. The kissing, pride parade, and mom looking evil might send her over the edge. Or, like, farther past the edge. Or whatever. I will look for just the audio maybe.

But, obviously, I need to look up more of that girl's music.

 

Bunny, thanks for saying that. Kind of good to know I'm not the only one. Like, part of why this was so painful and infuriating, is that she is the only person I know who has said she could not love a kid the same if they werent related to her. (The other reason it hurts, why is she even bringing this up right now? Only reasons I can think of are that she is so selfish that she cant consider my feelings or she intentionally wants to hurt me.) Bunny, would you mind sharing more about your experience?

 

Apparently dad told mom she was being vindictive by bringing it up and that even if you feel that way, theres no reason to say it. Go dad.