Bisexual Marriage

Having been out to my wife since the get-go (2000), I wish I could report a better outcome. Of course, we have had other issues that have impacted our marriage (as evidenced in other threads), but I certainly hope your experience is better than mine.

I suggest being very clear at the outset regarding monogamy expectations and be realistic/honest with yourself. Early on, my wife began jokingly referring to me as "[her name]-sexual" instead of bi. I wasn't honest with her on how I felt minimized by that and it allowed a distance to grow. That distance then made me resent her a little more each time I felt minimized, knowing that only I had the power to stop it but feeling incapable/unwilling to do it. Long story short: don't let that distance grow.

The other users' suggestions are great, too. There is such power in this group. (&&&)

 

You and your wife are not alone dealing with pain or lack of sensitivity during intimacy. There are a lot of support forums out there, the main ones I've heard of are for Pudendal Neuralgia, and MS. You can find lots of tips and support there. Also there are study's going on for repairing nerve damage that sometimes happens in C sections. Don't give up hope, there are lots of people going through the same thing who are mostly too embarrassed to talk about it. If her doctor is dismissive, or tries to tell her it's in her head, get a new doctor. Seriously any doctor who treats you like that is someone who isn't actually reading the science from their own discomfort with the subject.

 

Nickw - I see a lot of the same issues that I went through with my wife over the years so I thought I would give my two cents worth.

Knowing that I wasn't straight during my teenage years but scared to admit it, I buried it deep into the closet, met a girl, got married and had kids. The attraction was still there so I had to be real discreet when checking out men while out with my wife. After several years into the marriage, I really felt the need to "drop hints" to her so I decided to do it during our intimate/sexual times. I started out slow until one time she came out and asked me if I have ever been with a guy and are you attracted to men. I answered yes to both (this is still during an encounter) and we both got even more turned on and I told her then that I was bisexual. The next several days were pretty awkward and she had her mad moments but that was 15 plus years ago.

We've had a lot of great sex since then (she's 100% straight) and we used me being bi for even better sex. Fast forward to now and I really think I'm about 4.5 on the Kinsey scale which probably puts me closer to gay but we're still happily married, she's the only one that knows about this side of me, we both are attracted to the same kind of men and she'll sometimes talk about it in public with me because she knows I get turned on when she does. Nobody would ever expect this about me which I think adds to the fun. We'll come home from a party sometimes and she'll ask me if I saw anyone there that I liked etc.

So, know that coming out to your wife can definitely have some pluses and it sounds like your wife may be receptive to it. Just take your time and you'll know when you're ready. I still love my wife and want to stay married, it just adds another element that can be fun.

 

I came out to my wife in October. There have been some absolutely brutal moments of all-night sobbing, her leaving the house or me leaving the house in the middle of the night, but we seem to have reached a place of relative calm... for now. We haven't had sex since November, but I know she absolutely craves it. I'm scared, honestly. I thought at first that she would have the strength to eventually let me go and I thought that's what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure. She says she loves me too much to let me fly and I love her too much to just leave. So I suppose we're trying to figure things out. It ain't easy. At. All.

 

Early in my marriage I had two "minor get togethers" but that was many years ago and even before I came out to her but nothing since. It's really tough to hold back though and while I don't look at porn per-say, I'll pull up some pictures every now and then for my satisfaction.

However, I have mentioned me (or I should say asked) finding one buddy "to hang out with" on occasion for some casual fun but she hasn't given in to that yet. I have talked to a couple guys fairly recently but it was just conversation and nothing more. I'm real scared about STD's but I'm hoping I can find the right person soon. If I do, I'm not sure how I'll handle it with her because she's been pretty cool about everything so far so I don't want to ruin that. It's driving me crazy though!

 

Thank you. At this point, I really have no choice but to stay and make every attempt to keep the lid on being gay by keeping myself occupied with work and family things. She has said over and over that she would not survive if I left and I'm just not willing to risk her having a complete breakdown and everyone (including our kids) blaming ME for "what I did to her."

I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not. It's fucking brutal.

---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 02:12 PM ----------

When I was able to bifurcate everything into "straight me" and "gay me" by affixing the bisexual label to myself, I always thought this was the answer. To find ONE other married guy like me. Well, I had 3 relationships with other married men. The last one was made me realize that I am indeed GAY because we fell deeply in love with each other. In fact, sex was but a minimal part of our relationship. But then, his wife figured things out, he bailed to save his marriage. The hardest thing was that I was ready to hold his hand and jump but he chose to stay with his wife and kids. So, I was standing on the precipice and had to turn around and step back into my reality. I went into a deep, suicidal depression which led me to 2 choices : kill myself or tell my wife. I somehow convinced myself that she'd rather me gay and alive to dead in my car crashed into a pine tree. I'm still not sure I shouldn't have chosen the pine tree... sigh.

I'm still not how this story ends, though my wife and I seem to be in a relatively calm place right now. It ain't easy.

 

I appreciate your candour and your concern. To be clear, the suicidal thoughts came from lots of different sources... the overwhelming feelings of repressed sexuality, lots of childhood memories of abusive (emotional and physical) came roaring back, the decision of the other married guy to stay with his wife, the guilt of having to tell mine, the uncertainty of the future, blah blah blah. I'm in therapy now and am in a rather stable place. Thank you for worrying though hugs

 

I think a lack of communication about sex is common and so is getting into a routine...think it really helps to talk about what you both want honestly...definitely need to do this with my husband.

So glad for you that it was a benign condition. I guess that scare must have made you re-evaluate everything in your life.

I was also trying not to use the word authentic but I guess everything keeps coming back to it! Like you, I can't imagine never having a same sex experience again, so trying to find a way of incorporating that into my marriage.

 

OMG RIGHT. I just...I just think this so much.

 

I read your comment and was like oh did I write this, because it's basically the exact comment and quote and comment I was going to use on this post. My husband and I agree it might be difficult to rationalize a third party in our life the way it is... But I think about it all the time, even just the practical aspect of a third person. I just don't know I want my woman felt up by him and he's not comfortable with me just having another relationship he wants to be my partner and another partners partner if there is another partner... So my issue is this doesn't exactly fulfill what it is I need or want as it is... But that said he's very understanding... He asks me sometimes if I think women are attractive, luckily we have fairly sillier taste... But I'm quite picky... We are very close and I don't think I want to share him... Clearly I'm selfish here ... I don't know...

 

That's very true, variation is good lol. And if you're screwed up... I'm screwed up
That's exactly how I feel, he's all fine but it's us not you and I'm all well... Frick... Love you but want my own pretty things... He's currently amused with the fact that I might have a list of actresses I think are hot that he might not have known about...because you know the British assistant is Jurassic world ... I might have said well I'm gonna have to get me one of those... And he was all oh me too and Asked who mine would be and I might have instantly had an answer and then he was all nope you miss cannot be trusted to have a hot British assistant you've put too much thought into that... Hehe... So now that's out lol. But yea it's a weird situation that I didn't think about when we got married... And I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to do

 

Hi guys! What a great thread! I love hearing from people who aren't just a tiny step away from leaving their partners but actually trying to make the bi thing work. This is a great site, but it leans heavily toward leaving your partner because it often defines authentic living as same-sex oriented living. A lot of bi people need to learn how to maintain, not leave, to achieve authenticity.

"but maybe more important for bisexuals, since we already have deficits in our desires that cannot be filled by our spouses, to work at maintaining intimacy."

This is basically what I told my husband in not so many words. And you know what? He stepped up. It's amazing! Feed the bi's! Feed us sex, heh.

 

Some of you know I'd really like to figure out an occasional friends with benefits relationship with my husband's blessing. It doesn't seem likely right now, but one can always dream. In the meantime, we try to have sex frequently (3-6 times a week), talk about women I think are attractive, raise our children with very liberal values, and share dreams/fantasies. He knows I'd like to someday and in some way be with a woman. I do have cuddle privileges with my bff, but I only see her once or twice a year. It helps though. Hugging and holding her...

I'm having a lot of trouble with the idea of having a deficit in my desires. I feel like I am overflowing with them. My husband can fulfill many of them, but he is not a woman and does not have a woman's body for me to enjoy. Some acts are just not possible in my Mixed Orientation Marriage.