More effeminate after coming out?

Yes I relate !
My boy side has come out to play I genuinely don't feel this is a learnt thing or part of stereotype - it's a part of me that I've always loved but didn't fully accept...
I laugh because the short hair - sometimes boy clothes and acceptance of my 'not so girly gossip side - more boyish conversation and attitude is so what some may call butch but now I have accepted it - it teams with the women and creates a unique combo
So for you enjoy who u really are - forget stereotype and do / be what u feel is you ---
Enjoy too

 

Well, I've been slightky effeminate for a long time so when I came out, I just don't care anymore

 

When I was younger, I perceived my mannerisms and linguistics to be effeminate, and I actively focused on surpassing them. I a, not sure if they ever really were effeminate or not, that was just how I percieved myself. After I came out to myself, I tried proactively to regain some of the mannerisms and linguistics I thought I actively suppressed. But they never felt real and never seemed to stick. When people found out I came out as gay, just about everyone was shocked, even my oldest straight friends whom knew me as a child (but clearly did not really know me all that well); and even now, several years after coming out to myself, I not longer am testing out my mannerisms or linguistics and I just act what seems to be natural to me. And today, when I meet people and they learn I am gay they react surprised. I guess the natural me is not very effeminate, despite my own perceptions as such.

 

I was aware of my culturally defined "feminine" side as a young boy and did everything I could to hide that part of me. Through adolescence I just wanted to be with girls on all levels, I was more comfortable. Looking back now there is so much more to this than I could have ever realized as a teenager.

At 50, I live with 3 women, wife-daughters, love them and am able to take on both rolls meaning, teaching them that their is nothing gender specific about raising kids other than birth and breast feeding.

As I am coming out, I realize that I am becoming more comfortable with what is considered a feminine side that has always been there but do not see myself changing my language or tone at all. Through the years I have had people ask/assume I was gay which I had denied - now things are different and if asked, once I break the news to my wife and kids - I will not be afraid to share my truth. - J

 

You go girl! Haha, I really don't mean to sound trite. It just reminded me of a gay male friend I had once. When I first met him (we worked together as newspaper reporters) I was attracted to him. (Had no idea he was gay.) He was a tall cowboy, LOL! He asked me out on a date even. We ended up becoming close friends. During that time, he definitely came out of the closet. All of us reporters were friends and he would start acting a little outrageous, doing the finger snap and saying "You go girlfriend!" (I know that may sound stereotypical but I think he was being his true self and I really got a kick out of it! I think we all did!!! Haha!) He liked to western dance and we became dance partners and I think other girls were jealous of me because he was cute but they had no idea he was gay. I say, go for it, whatever expressing yourself means to you!!!

---------- Post added 20th Dec 2015 at 02:56 PM ----------

(and, no, I realize that is probably not snapping your fingers and saying "You go girl!" I'm just saying I had a lot of fun with my gay friend when he started being "himself!"

 

Since I've come out to myself and a few people I believe I'm actually a nicer person. Does that make sense. I've been accused of being an alpha male, so maybe I'm alpha minus now. So that may mean a feminine flow or side has appeared. Cool.

 

I was always someone who joked and mimicked different people. I was was "straight acting" but I would occasionally camp it up for comic effect. Once when doing impression on request someone said "I've never seen you do 'yourself', "
Since I've come out there has been less of a split between me and my camp side. I'm more relaxed in myself, so I can drop in the occasional camp remark into a conversation without thinking. (Usually a smart-ass comment)

- The Joy of not having to pretend anymore. -

 

I tend to think I'm more obvious than I am, because a lot of people always seem surprised when I tell them I'm interested in men. Then again, other people claim to not be surprised.

I'm told I come off a certain way over text/social media. Like, the way I use certain words and phrases, it makes people think hmmmm he might be...Which is fine by me, haha.

 

Yup, totally makes sense. I had the same thing. It's like, once I was happier and more real with myself, I was a better person to everyone around me too.

 

My voice has always been slightly camp and I've never been able to mask that SF, but my appearance and behaviour is very regular... except when I have a "moment" (as my husband puts it). :lol:

When you are in the closet you are very careful to check your behaviour and mannerisms frequently. It's as though Big Brother is watching at all times and you dare not give anything away. Eventually, you become so adept at the self examination and stifling of oneself, that it becomes almost instinctive. Coming out frees us from that way of living though and we can finally let go and show excitement, enjoyment, pleasure or horror as/when we see fit. We can go to pride and soak up the carnival atmosphere, if we so wish, without all of the guilt and shame. No more hiding, no more concealment.

Like all good things though, it can be taken to silly extremes. I have my moments and I don't deny it, but it's not deliberate or put on when I do... it just seems to happen because I'm not holding back anymore. Unfortunately, there are some guys (not many) who really do camp it up and make a terrible show of themselves by performing every minute of every day and I don't find that endearing at all. I think it comes across as fake and silly.

Enjoy the freedom SF. It's a lovely thing.

 

This!

I think once you've started coming out you no longer care about making gestures or else that others might consider feminine.

 

This, exactly this.

 

I have often wondered how my behavior and speech will change when I'm fully out. Looking forward to it!!!

 

I have been worried that my post here was offensive! I hope not! I know the dude I was talking about was acting in a "stereotypical" gay manner. I do not mean to imply that that is how gay men act! We are all individuals! Hope I didn't offend!

 

I definitely have felt less inhibited since coming out to myself and my wife, but I also wonder if my lower levels of testosterone are a factor. In my coming out story, which hasn't posted yet, I talk about how I came out to myself while videotaping myself jerking off. I still enjoy videotape myself and one day I noticed that I made an effeminate gesture with my hands. In the past I would have been mortified, but this time it just turned me on. So I decided to see how far it would go and a different day decided to try on some of my wife's lingerie and I felt an incrediblle thrill doing that. When I was a teenager, I tried on some of my sisters' bras and panties mostly because it seemed so "forbidden" but it never affected me like this. Since it feels so good, I have continued to try on my wife's lingerie and some of her clothes. Interestingly, while I would like to dress up and have sex with a guy who also likes to dress up, I have found that I have a greater appreciation for the female body than I did around the time I came out about two years ago.

 

I think "queening out" and "butching it up" (for lesbians) are pretty common right after coming out. I have a gay friend who became super "girly" right after he came out, and although he's chilled out a bit, he's still pretty effeminate. I also have a lesbian friend who tried to act like a butch stereotype when she first came out, and has since realised that that's really not her at all and is now very much a femme.

We've had to hide a huge part of ourselves for so long, so it's natural to a) want to be more visible and fit in with the LGBT community, and b) experiment with how we present/express ourselves. A straight person would spend their teens figuring themselves out, but people who've been in the closet usually need to figure it out a bit later. When you've been hiding who you are for so many years, it's understandable that you're not sure what the "real you" is like.

I've definitely struggled with this a fair bit myself. Am I really tomboyish/andro, or do I just feel the need to be more visibly gay? Or was I never really feminine and only presented that way because that was what was expected of me? I've dealt with it by experimenting with my presentation over the last couple of years and figuring out what I feel most comfortable with. There are times when I've veered further into butch territory than personally feels right for me, but I've also realised that yes, I do feel a lot more like myself in a blazer and pants than I do in lacy dress.

Just have fun with it. Experiment and see what feels right for you.

Just one little thing to watch out for - some people can be really judgmental about your gender presentation, whatever it might be. I've been given shit for not looking enough like a stereotypical lesbian, and I've also been given shit for looking too much like a stereotypical lesbian. It sucks, but there's a certain type of person who feels the need to tell other gay people how they should look and act. Just hold your head high and do what's comfortable for YOU.

 

I've been told by people I am out to that I my mannerisms have become more "gay". When I first came out people were shocked because they said I was so "straight" acting, very masculine. I think I was subconsciously suppressing many behaviors while I was in the closet, manning it up so to speak. I think I'm still a pretty "masculine" guy (whatever that means), but I find myself being more expressive, more emotional, hand gestures are more prominent to the point one friend has said "how the hell did I never know you were gay?". I love it, part of me becoming who I am... I think at my next job I am going to just come out to everyone when it's appropriate, my current job I am being selective and have to lie a lot. I would like to be fully out in my next role, that doesn't mean I'll shove it in everyone's faces but I just want to be who I am.

 

I'm a girl and I haven't come out but since I've accepted being bisexual, I feel I've been carrying myself in a slightly more masculine way sometimes, and have been re-embracing my tomboyish style and I generally feel much more confident (and walk with more swag lol). For me I feel its very much freeing that part of myself.... Realising that I don't need to hold myslef to the standards of the girly girls in life because I was never like them and I never wanted to be, i only thought that i should. The idea that I can grow into the tomboy I always wanted to be and that nobody's opinion matters is just super empowering. It's probably similar with you guys. There's been a more feminine side of you you've been locking out to confirm to the standards of a manly straight guy, and now you realise that as a gay man you don't need to be that way, you can free your full self and its great.