If you caught your lover cheating would you AUTOMATICALLY leave them?

I'd be angry at first, but I'd probably give the person a second chance. Hopefully this can be a waking call for both of us.

 

When I was younger, this would have most likely been an automatic yes, though as time has gone by, I've come to see things as more complex. I did leave my first lover for just such a reason, after about 3 years, but in that relationship, I could tell the energy--the vital force-- had gone out of it on both sides; why stay?

And in my current relationship, early on, perhaps before we had even set definite 'rules' that we'd definitely be monogamous, this did happen, on both our parts, but in this case, the energy binding us together was very powerful, and these little flings, both of which were just one night ordeals with friends we'd known for years (oddly enough) were more of a bump in the road. 25 years later, we're married, and I'm happy neither of us bailed out back then, and happy we gave each other another chance.

We're all fallible human beings; I think that no matter the purity of one's intentions, things can and do happen, and navigating them isn't always a binary yes/no equation.

So for me, it's complex, and looking back at my life, I'm very happy with the choices I made in terms of relationships; I suppose my only regret was that I hadn't had a boyfriend sooner in life, like in middle/high-school, mainly because I was too scared to ask anyone out...but that's another story.

 

Depends on the situation, but probably No. If I truly loved him I wouldn't let a slip like that destroy the relationship. Besides, there are so many worse ways to betray your partner than having sex with someone else.

Of course, if it was more than just sex and he loved someone else, then the best for both would be to end the relationship.

 

I think it would depend greatly of the severity of the situation and how long we'd been together. If it was a one-time kissing / makeout session, I'd most likely be hurt, but not enough to leave them. If it was sex more than once, I'd be REALLY hurt, and I would end it.

If it was a random one-night-stand... I'd probably give them another chance, but the trust would forever be damaged, and I'd also probably end up leaving them in the end.

 

I like what you say in this post Justine. It implies thoughtfulness beyond the knee-jerk response, the pat assumptions, and the need to have firm rules.

To your first sentence, I need to respond that the premise here is that you caught them cheating...not that you found out they'd been cheating. If there's been an ongoing affair, that's a whole other set of considerations and responses to me...including "did you really think you could keep me in the dark about this??" and a much stricter evaluation of whether this ends the relationship.

But if you simply catch them cheating, it could be a first time...as I said, a one-off mistake...and something that involved no attempt to keep you in the dark. In fact, they could be crushed by guilt over it and would have needed to tell you immediately afterward, with the prayer that you would *have* that sit-down talk, and be as thoughtful and invested in the relationship that you'd be willing to work it out.

I get being enraged out of self-respect, and if a relationship is so brief that neither person is terribly invested, and there hasn't been a chance to have a long pattern of respect demonstrated, I can see ending it immediately. But I do think that if a person ends a previously solid-seeming relationship *no matter what the nature or duration of the relationship* immediately following a single incident, that implies to me a shocking lack of investment of their own, as well as delusions about monogamy, about real life, and about the value they hold toward their relationship.

 

If I caught him red handed, I would pretend that it does not hurt me. I may probably give zero to no reaction at all. I'll leave the room peacefully without a tear in my eyes. I will not ask for any explanation, I will not ask for anything. I'll just leave and try to think that everything's fine. That I didn't lose anything. That I don't care.

If he chases me, I probably would say, "You know what, it's okay. I'm okay. We can forget that all of these happened. That I happened in your life. I can handle that. The earlier we move on, the better." Then walk away. Walk away like I already forgot what he looks like.

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eeeh, I'll probably cry a lot. But I'll still definitely leave him.

 

I would text my boyfriend a message " who is that fucking girl/guy? Hah!"

 

Having never been in a relationship, I can't properly say. There would probably be a part of me so desperate to hold on to the only person I'd ever been in a relationship with, that I might forgive them. Or I'd simply have a "zero tolerance" policy and immediately dump him. I'll let you know when it happens.

 

YES 100% I gave them my trust and they go behind my back like that? Moreover, should I assume this is the first time they cheated? There could have been many other occasions and many other people.

 

Nope.

 

ultimately I would, probably after trying to forgive them, I don't think I would ever forget that they had cheated and become paranoid that they would do it again. So we would be best off apart.

 

Of course I would leave them. If you're cheating on me, obviously I'm not good enough for you and you can't be trust. How could I have a relationship without trust?

 

I would probably do an open relationship in the first place

 

I would dump them on the spot. I'd walk right out of their life. I have better things to do than deal with a cheater. If you take em back you're just asking them to please do it to you again so I say it's not worth it.

 

It still holds either way.

If it was a one-time ordeal, that will be considered. If it is an ongoing incident, that too will be considered. The point of that first sentence is, I would like to believe I am worthy of being trusted with being came to about such things. It's easy to share the good, but not so much our setbacks, and that is what I'd be annoyed about, that they didn't think I'd be mature or sensible enough about this with them.

 

Yea BUT first I would make them grovel for my forgiveness.

 

Yes, there is no reason to ever cheat on someone especially if you claim to love them. You wouldn't cheat on someone you truly love and cheating is not a mistake, you make the choice to cheat on someone.
- You cheat on me you lose my trust, respect and me without question.

 

I can't say for sure, but probably yes. I think no matter how much I loved someone I could never look at them the same in that kind of situation. I honestly don't believe that a person who cheats on you really loves you, & I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't love me or respect me.

 

No, no, I totally get that consideration happens either way. It's just that considerations are different (and I could understand a person having a policy of immediate-dump following an ongoing affair). And I think I got the point of your first sentence...my only point was that there may not have been time for anything to be hidden.