Broken hearted

Need to vent a little bit. Just had my heart broken today a bit. I had met another female online and grew really close to her for the good part of a year. We texted a lot and talked almost daily on the phone. I did develop a crush on her at first but then I think it progressed to something more. Yes I am married and intend to stay that way, however the connection I had to her was very real to me. She truly became a close friend and someone whom i turned to for advice, confided in and grew into my sexuality with because she provided me with a safe place to fall, a place to come to to talk about my feelings and work through them as she had very many of the same feelings. We grew very close and I thought I had found a true connection. But over the past few days her behavior became strange, she grew distant and last night had a complete meltdown over something very trivial. She texted me in the middle if the night saying hurtful things and the today earlier told me that she was only talking to me Bc she felt bad for me, basically saying she had no connection with me and that we come from different walks of life and Bc of that we cannot be friends. This after a year if talking. I know it may sound silly but I really cared about her. I thought we had a connection and now I have allowed her to deeply hurt me. I was very vulnerable with her and shared a lot with her. Makes me feel rejected and very unwantable. We were not dating but talked daily, all day in fact via text and most days via phone. To go from constant to nothing...just don't understand what I did. A little piece of my heart is empty. Wish it didn't end the way it did.

 

BidiKlum. Thanks for the kind note. Sorry for ur situation, unknown how much that hurts. And I totally understand what you said about knowing it's the right thing to do (just being friends) so you can work on ur relationship with ur husband. I am in the same boat. I am married, two kids and almost 38. Sounds like we have similar situations. Hugs to you too. It's the girls who have broken my heart and hurt more more than any man I have been in a relationship with. Why is that? Ugh. Women are such emotional beautiful creatures....it so complicates things be able to be in love with a woman and a man. It's honestly exhausting to me at times.

Hope you had a good day.

I am ways open to chatting if you ever need to vent or want to talk things through

 

EastCoastGirl,

Maybe she was. When we first started talking it was very flirtatious, back and forth. We both admitted that we had crushes on one another at one point. Then she would do things and then seem to back away and act like I was the only one who was developing some sort of feelings. Made me feel a bit crazy. Little I was imaging things. Over the span of close to a year I felt like I had experienced a long term relationship with...but with no physical aspect. It's hard to wrap my mind around someone who tells you they love you first (but then says love in the way like you love ur friends...) or calls you their best friend or remembers every detail of your likes and dislikes, etc then turning and saying the most God awful things. I feel very devastated as this is only the second day in a year that I have not spoken to her. She was my good morning and good night...anyway. I know it's crazy to think that way about someone when I only had an Online relationship and when I am married (my husband had full disclosure about her and I talking from the beginning) there is just something about a connection with a woman that helps me breath easier, makes my heart feel lighter, makes me happy. I am such a fool sometimes.

 

biAnnika, so sweet of you. Thanks. With me I go into relationship all in and don't mind opening up to someone who I have begun to trust, so I end up being very exposed and then hurt as in this situation. Just never thought as one friend to another that she would talk to me the way she did, tell me that she only talked to me Bc she felt sorry for me. Painful. I appreciate the support so much. It's so hard being bi, then finally accepting that ur bi at almost 40, then opening up to someone and having a strong connection which then after a year they deny...it's all so complicated and confusing, esp the women part. I so love the emotional connection with women but it is also so hard sometimes...

---------- Post added 13th Aug 2015 at 11:16 AM ----------

MZRaven, she was married too, with kids as well. I understand ur perspective. It's hard for me Bc I have just begun to accept (and now welcome) my connections with women and I want them more and more. Online is certainly not the best route to take to pursue this interest but sometimes I feel it's all I have. I am a married mom of two, its hard for me to make the female to female connection I can here in my world. i never have the intention on using anyone and I would only pursue a connection where the other part had similar views that I did on our connection and our friendship was acceptable to them. I am having a difficult time finding women, who understand what I am going through ( who are bi...maybe coming out later life) and then when I find someone I have a hard time just remaining friends. And to be honest not sure if I am bi or just not ready to call myself a full lesbian yet. I am a confused ball of mush most of the time....

 

She is married to a man. Had an affair with a woman at one point and has always been attracted to women and is now thinking about getting divorced and coming out. I believe she may be a lesbian as opposed to bi.

My emotions make me feel like a fool...esp with women, I trip all over myself.

 

Thanks Eastcoastgirl, makes sense. I can understand. Her and I would talk about what is the purpose of us talking...to what end? I felt that in my gut, thought that sometime it may end, just didn't think it would end with her being hurtful. I tried so hard to be friends. She Would tell me all the time that she didn't have feelings for me and I thought that we could just be friends. My mistake. No offense taken. I was in love with my best friend for several years Bc there was no open discussion of feelings, no physical contact, and a bunch of things said back and forth and moments of complete ambiguity. Never knew if my love was reciprocated so I don't know what it is like to be in love with a woman who openly returns that love. However nothing has hurt worse in my life than with the friend cut off all contact with me suddenly without warning, without closure. No man has ever broken my heart the way she has. Loving a woman and being loved by a woman is intense....and amazing.

Thanks for your insight . Brings me a bit of peace.

 

EastCoastGirl, how true that is what you said about dipping my toes in Lesbian waters. I have barely done so and know how painful it is...I can't imagine if there was a physical aspect. I would be more of a mess right now. My problem is, I have spent so long denying these feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, I don't want to not think about, not wanting, feeling etc. I want to accept it. It's a part of me, I want to know that part of me. Seems unfair that at this point in my life, married and wife kids I discover (or maybe accept) such an intense desire and I want to know more, experience more. It's so damn complicated.