If you are afraid you are halfway there. Now thats an interesting observation. I suppose I was in denial before so wasn't even close to being halfway. Since then I am 110% positive that I am in fact gay and have determined that I must come out eventually. So I'm 50% done? If so, I'm actually happy with my progress! (!)
Oh tomthumb, I couldn't agree more. You have reduced me to tears. both about the crisis line and the fact that all hell will break loose one day and then...something to look forward to eh? We don't even discuss why we don't do it any more. I never ever gave an excuse as to why I was cringing so much, I used to say I didn't know what was wrong, but it was so bad he just doesn't try anymore. I saw a comment on here a few days ago where a guy mentioned how he had an asexual wife and I suddenly thought that's what my husband must think! He must think there's something greatly amiss with my sex drive and he's willing to live with it. Somedays I want to scream 'ask me, don't just assume', but then, like you I'd probably deny everything. Yes, its a mess but it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this. Meanwhile, I'll carry on screaming, silently.
Stella - we are on the exact same wavelength and I suspect there are quite a few others in here who are with us. It has literally saved my life being able to talk to you and others who are in a similar situation. At least I don't feel so alone anymore thanks to EC! So a few weeks ago my wife asked me to get Viagra from my doctor which I did. She only gets horny when she's had a bit of wine so she tells me go take a pill. My heart just about exploded in fear. I took it and told her it takes 3 hours to take effect. Well she eventually fell asleep and all I could think of was 'thank God' and went downstairs to surf gay porn. This is not a good way to live and certainly not a healthy sex life of her or for me (although I must say that whoever invented that pill should get the Nobel Prize). As you accurately said, screaming silently.......
It is sad how this works. Actually what is keeping my sex life with my wife still alive is me stopping to take care of myself for long period of times. I didn't try to use pills, my wife wouldn't dare to ask me to do it (I think!), but sex with her is becoming like taking a bitter medicine that is needed for me to survive within this marriage and conceal my identity .. a big lie that I have to live every day .. "Screaming silently" best way to describe it.
for me, stella set it best --- "cringing so much..." That's what any attempt to have sex with any woman, including my wife, would be like if I tried to do it. I don't like seeing her naked, and when I have even thought about sex, I have felt nauseous. What woman would want to have sex with a man who looks like he's going to lose his lunch at the thought. and I don't want to put her through that kind of experience. so far, so good. If I ever have to face your situation, TT, I guess I would first try to avoid, as you did (well done!), and if that didn't work, honestly say that I don't want to. And if I'm ever pressured as to why, well, when all else fails, tell the truth.
The games we play - huh guys (and girls!). At least now I don't feel like such a dick for avoiding her advances. Well I still do, but maybe a bit less of a dick knowing I'm not alone in an impossible situation. I wish someone would have tapped me on the shoulder when i was 20 and said, hello, you're gay. Of course i was in complete denial back then but maybe if I had been seduced or something - it would have clicked in. Being seduced at 49, not so ideal.
:roflmao: That's why we have a good training at living the lie! we don't show it, then she'd never notice .. this is how good we've become at concealing our nauseated faces!
One thing that I forgot to mention is that we don't sleep in the same bedroom. that also makes it easier. after the first year without sex, I moved into the spare bedroom. it wasn't during a fight or anything, so that avoided the expectation that I would return when things cooled down. I just said that I needed the space. When you're not having sex but sharing a queen size bed with someone, it really gets old after a while. constantly fighting for space. and I was always recoiling when she would get close to me, which sometimes resulted in me falling off the bed. LOL. lucky I never got hurt. I sleep in a small twin now with an electric blanket, and so I'm very happy (she always insists on the house being sub-arctic, so that was just another factor on the misery index.) But I think that not sleeping together reduces that chances of her looking for sex, if that is even a possibility.
@Wildside: are you my identical brother separated at birth? I also sleep in spare bedroom but due to snoring issues. In my case I think it does cut down on the "requests" a bit. Every little bit helps. Jeez.... I just realized I make it sound like I was sleeping with Frankenstein which is not the case! She is beautiful....she's just not.....a man.....sigh....
So the recent trend continued last night. Went to a party, she had wine. Came home and the advances started immediately. I had more of an anxiety attack than I ever have before and told her I felt nauseous from too much wine. Went to washroom and basically hid for 20 mins until she passed out. I then decided to see what it might be like to tell her I'm gay so I said it. Even though she was asleep it felt really good to hear the words coming from my mouth. I know, a lame trial run but maybe I'm on the road to doing it???
now that is pretty cool, TT2. It is kind of like a variation on the theme of coming out to yourself in the mirror (which is what I did five years ago); but you've taken that one step further. I think that is a good way to get a feel for it. and a side benefit is that maybe something of that will lodge in her subconscious, or she's hearing it while passed out and will have some foggy memory of it, just enough to plant the idea. and doing it while she's zapped like that, who knows, maybe she'll open her eyes and say "what?!?" and you'll have one of those 'fish or cut bait' moments. My wife doesn't drink, or I might try the same thing. But when we were still sleeping in the same bed, I did have some dreams about men I knew, making out and stuff like that, so who knows what I might have said in my sleep.
I used to practice saying I'm gay out loud in the car when driving alone. I'd start quietly and end up shouting. I too found it very therapeutic.
Weston, I do this all the time, not only shouting my lungs out that I'm gay, but sometimes I find myself discussing my problems out loud with myself, replying back too, I enjoy this conversation! Feel relieved afterwards, but I also feel I'm close to insanity!
tomthumb2-It is difficult man, but it is the beginning of a new journey. Can not tell you that life is perfect, but the burden off the shoulders is great!! I came out two years ago after 37 years of the marriage fix. Had to be happy and be myself!
Thank-you Genesman. Mentally I really feel like I am getting closer to just doing it. I'm sure the relief will be huge. 37 yrs is really long!!
