My story (in progess)

I told them this morning. Was still the toughest thing, even though it all made sense in my head and I didn't think it should be as hard as all that logically, but I eventually got the words out.

They were great. Very supportive, like I figured they would be. My uncle's first response was "I hope you aren't expecting us to be particularly surprised." They said they were happy that I felt I could tell them, and even be the first ones I told. Said they wouldn't tell anyone ever without my consent, for as long as I needed to take to get to a point where I could be more open with everyone.

My aunt mentioned a couple things I have already been thinking about alot, namely that the smallish town I'm living in (and maybe the entire state) is just not going to be particularly gay-friendly. Mentioned a couple other cities she knew of personally that might be better. Also that she realized that some other members of her (& my mom's) side of the family likely wouldn't take it as well, which is obviously something I've commented on some in this thread. Didn't really talk about mom specifically at all. I might try to still bring that up this evening just to see if they have any insight or advice there. Also even after I drive back, having them to email/call/text if I feel the need to for anything will be great.

Overall went really well. Pretty huge load off. Can relax a little now, which is good because I'm kinda exhausted from running treadmills in my own head since I got here. Might take a nap this afternoon, that sounds nice. Still need to work through stuff and figure some things out, but it's a significant step and that's plenty for this moment right now.

 

Thanks to everyone so much for the support. Believe me, this place has been a great help in this process so far. I feel like I'm taking much more than I'm giving right now as far a support and stuff, and maybe I just can't help that at the moment, but please know that it is very much appreciated.

I was able to spend just a bit more time at my aunt and uncle's house than I originally planned (it's a non-traditional job situation at the moment, which affords more flexibility than usual, at the price of less long term stability heh).

Had one conversation with my aunt about coming out to my mom, and the rest of the family, and just other general stuff. She didn't sugar coat things or tell me their reactions would be good when she wasn't sure they would be, and I appreciate her for that.

It turns out my uncle has a cousin who is gay and lives close to them. He invited her over for dinner. She's younger than him though, maybe half way between my age and my uncle's. Anyways, she was really great and helpful too. She told me a little about her story, and I told her some of mine (incomplete and in pieces... typing is much easier than talking sometimes!). She tried to outline some steps I could take, just in looking for support groups, gay friendly churches, gay bars, etc. She mentioned a couple gay-friendly church denominations I wasn't familiar with, which I plan to look more into. Overall she seems like a really cool person and I was glad to get to meet her, and we exchanged information to text and keep in contact.

Beyond that, much of the little extra time I took was just spent kinda being there, in a place where people knew I was gay and it was fine. We didn't have to talk about it constantly or even that much, but just existing in that state for a bit was comforting. It also offered some perspective about how that was a place I needed to continue to work towards being able to get to in a broader sense in my life.

Anyways, I'm back home now, and that's the recap of the trip. It worked out about as well as I could have imagined, and I know I'm very lucky to have them. Now to just settle back in and and continue try to figure out what comes next, and when.

 

It's stuffy in here. Cramped. Just feeling a bit claustrophobic (closetrophobic? heh). I took a step out for a few days but am right back in and it's less comfortable or hospitable than before.

I mentioned I live with my mom. Typically, if I'm going to be somewhere other than at the house in the evenings, I'll just let her know where. Not because she needs to keep tabs on me, but just so she knows. I don't know of much gay friendly stuff in the not-so-big town I'm living in, but I think there's likely at least a couple things to check out in a bigger city about 45-60 mins away. I don't see how I can do any of that though right now, she'll naturally wonder where I am and I don't think I'm willing to be that evasive or to flat out lie to her. I won't. I'm trying to become more honest with myself and everyone else. That's just going backwards.

So that's kind of a block to anything else right now. I'm thinking I just need to tell her. She deserves to know and to hear it from me. I was thinking until the past day or 2 I'd need more time, but I'm starting to think maybe I can do it soon. I've run it all over in my head so many times the past month, it doesn't feel like there's much new ground to cover so long as it's all still in my head. I still don't know what to expect, and the negative possibilities are still terrifying, but this is in the way between where I am and where I need to be. Not getting there is becoming less acceptable to me than any reaction my mom or family or friends might have.

 

So I may have talked a slightly bigger game than what I can currently back up in my previous post. :icon_redf

What I have done is write a letter. I thought at first that I would try to do it face to face, but I don't know how long it might take before I can do that. The letter probably also says things better than I could manage to in the moment. I think I've got to give it to her within the next day or two, or just wait until after Thanksgiving. I think it might be good to go ahead and do it, because we now have plans to go back to visit this same aunt and uncle for Thanksgiving, and it could be good for mom to possibly have someone (who isn't me) to talk to about this in person, if she needs or wants that.

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2014 at 05:55 PM ----------

So, I decided to go ahead and post the letter too to get a little feedback possibly.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/159115-letter-mom.html#post2377953

 

sighofrelief, thank you so much for saying that. I'll be honest sometimes in this thread I feel very selfish, like I'm just coming here to dump out all my stuff on the unsuspecting people here heh. But I do know from being here that there is great comfort in knowing that there are others out there who are struggling with similar things, so if someone can get something out of all my rambling in this thread, that's awesome.

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Anyways, I think I need to pull back for a minute. Haven't given my mom the letter, and I think I'm going to maybe wait until after the holidays. Maybe make 2015 the year of coming out for me. (!)

I've been trying to build my courage, and it is building, but to me it's a "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" type of situation, and I don't know if I'm actually prepared for the worst yet if it should go that way. Still need to work on that internally a bit I think.

I'm starting to see the negative things that will to some extent inevitably go along with coming out less with fear and more just as something necessary to go through to get to a better place, but still I don't know if I'm ready to tackle those things head on in reality just yet. I'm going to take a bit more time to make sure those hatches are well and truly battened down.

 

So this is probably worth a bump: I came out to my mom yesterday.

It went pretty well. I told her I was gay and that I was sure and that I couldn't change it if I could. She said she believed me and she loved me. She also said she didn't really know how to react as she hadn't had any experience with even knowing anyone gay. Overall I think she was really surprised more than anything at first, but we eventually got to talking about what this meant going forward. I mentioned I was thinking this smallish town (in MS) we live in might not be the best place long term. She had some concerns about my faith, and encouraged me to keep going to church, even if it wasn't the one we both are currently attending.

I think by the end of it things felt surprisingly normal between us, so that's a good thing. It is a load off for sure. At the same time, I'm still feeling a little bit more just exhausted and drained than relieved, but I'm not going to overanalyze that. It was a good step forward and really pretty much positive all the way through, so I'm happy with that.