Yes, that sounds like denial. If you're having a feeling but you'd rather not have it, it's denial. I do have that, too. Did anything change for you after realizing your sexual orientation? Sounds like for some those defense mechanisms linger on, even later in life.
How did you know that you rationalized this as anxiety? The reason why I'm asking is because I think I might do this too but I'm not entirely sure..[/QUOTE] About the isolation - I've been/am there. At times, I have also thought that I was asexual, especially during early puberty when my sex drive wasn't as fully developed. I just don't like or trust that many people and it gets confusing when you have sexual desire, but no one to really aim it at. Social anxiety and general trust issues makes sexuality difficult to manage for such reasons, doubly so if you're gay or bi, I think. In addition to the vulnerability of putting yourself out there emotionally or physically/sexually, there's also the risk of a special kind of rejection fueled by homophobia. For example, I really clicked with a girl who had a very similar, conservative upbringing. When she stopped talking to me suddenly and inexplicably, I wondered what the hell was up. Like me, I think she had trouble revealing personal details about herself to others and had a tendency to run for the hills whenever someone tried to get close. It's very strange, but I've realized that you can talk to someone animatedly for hours and still fail to reveal anything truly personal about yourself. Now, I also think she may have sensed my attraction to her and was worried that I may somehow influence her into reciprocating [she seemed very insecure about her religious beliefs]. As for my own specific trust issues - well, I hate to say it, but I simply find it easier to trust women over men. This is especially true in terms of sex. I have a very assertive personality that tends to rub men the wrong way unless they're older or have a clear position of authority over me. I resent the feeling that most men appear to desire control in their romantic relationships and, specifically for the prigs, I will be no one's conquest. Right or wrong, I feel that this wouldn't be as much of a problem with women because I could more easily expect to be treated like an equal. In a way, I may be anticipating my parents' marital problems. My mom is so passive compared to my dad and, while I love them both, I would not want such a marriage for myself at all. Such trust issues are a pretty big hurdle to initiating any romantic entanglements with men even though believe that I am more physically attracted to them than women. I'm not sure yet if it outweighs any anxieties I have about any mean-spirited rejection I may face from women.
To get back to my original question: I'm asking since I'm wondering if I am repressing myself and whether accepting yourself would change anything. Tell me about your experiences.
i used reaction formation! I used to have very forced heterosexual behaviour in front of my same sex crush, to hide the iintensity of my feelings
I think accepting yourself would definitely make you see things clearer without your unconscious or conscious mind having to push anything away. I haven't fully accepted myself yet but I became more open towards my feelings and tried to stop judging them which helped.
Everything bar Acting Out and Reaction Formation. I can't believe how well I suppressed it, and how blind I was to obvious signs. So many of my excuses, when I look back, didn't even make sense, but I just couldn't see that at the time. I'm still dealing with lingering denial, but it's a lot better than say a year ago. It's strange how scary it is once you stop denying it, it's a small identity crisis in a way - you're not completely who you thought you were. But you also feel like a pressure has been lifted, or at least that's how I feel.
I only used "rationalizing", since I rationalize anything. I usually want different possible reasons too. It was not difficult for me to accept my true self at all. The only difficult thing was finding the right label for it. :lol:
I'm not sure if I have anything to deny, but if I have then rationalisation and intellectualisation. I seem to do them quite well.
Yeah. I experienced repression when people questioned my sexual orientation. It did not interfere with my realization of my sexual orientation, so I did not realize it later than most people. I knew my attraction to the same sex, but I thought nothing of it and did not feel the need to label it.