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Repressed sexuality? (And other defense mechanisms)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Mino, Jul 21, 2014.

  1. Mino

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    Did any of you experience this? Did any of you repress your sexuality or sexual orientation to the point of realizing your orientation later than most people? How did it make you feel?
    And did anything change for you afterwards?

    I'm going to list some defense mechanisms which you might have used:
     
  2. alwaysforever

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    I have done pretty much all of those at one point or another in my life. I am still struggling to act on my feelings, but things have gotten better once I made peace with my feelings. I still have a lot of insecurity about my body and if I am in fact attractive at all, but at least I am not as self-destructive as I once was.
     
  3. looking for me

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    lets see;

    1, maybe 5, 6, 7, 8
     
  4. ellyy

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    Yes, I did and it even made me think I was asexual. When I started to see signs of liking girls I was in denial about it but then that kind of stopped since part of me didn't fully believe that I liked girls so I felt like there was no reason for me to be in denial.

    But I think I mostly use(d) repression. Even if I'm more aware of my attraction now, I'm still dealing with repression which is why I haven't fully realized my sexuality (I don't know if I'm gay or bi).
     
  5. wanderinggirl

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    It took me 24 years to work through the fact that something wasn't right. I don't think all of these apply to me, but I had very clear thoughts here and there throughout adolescence that I would say are examples of these techniques:

    1. Denial - "yea no I don't think she's hot, I definitely don't care what she said about me, I don't think of her that way."
    2. Acting out - not knowing myself, therefore feeling really lonely, therefore getting angry at myself and at others.
    3. Compartmentalization - sure? not 100% on this one
    4. Projection - "Nobody is actually gay, we just all have same-sex desires to some extent. It's probably a vanity thing. I definitely am not vain, therefore I can't be gay."
    5. Repression - I was not aware of any of my feelings at all, just that sometimes it felt like I didn't have any.
    6. Intellectualization - "well nobody in my family is gay so I can't be. jessica said that in middle school she wanted to be a lesbian and listened to ani a lot so maybe that's what i'm going through. erin dated a girl for a while and then went back to men. and what is homosexuality anyways? there's no rational basis for it; i can't reason it; therefore it's probably not real/not what i'm experiencing." etc. etc. etc.
    7. Rationalization - "This crush is probably just me being bored, so that's why I want to kiss her and hold her hand and marry her and have her babies. Totally fake."
    8. Reaction formation - "maybe if I sleep with a few more guys it'll be fine and I'll start liking one of them romantically."

    Maybe this wasn't 100%, but I can think of tons of examples of all of these...
     
  6. TheStormInside

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    I'll copy Wanderinggirl. Yes I definitely was in denial and heavily repressed my thoughts and feelings. It boggles my mind a bit how extensively I managed to do this.

    1. Denial- I felt like I couldn't like girls, I'm a girl. That's just not what you're supposed to do, and therefore I must be wrong about my feelings.

    3. Compartmentalization- I'm not sure if I did this... I think part of my mind recognized for some time that I have the capability to fall for a woman, but the rest of my mind refused to acknowledge that. At a point in my late teens I came close to coming out, as well, and somehow I completely boxed that up and stowed it neatly away somewhere.

    5. Repression- The big one, for me. I was so repressed I thought I was asexual.

    7. Rationalization- I rationalized crushes on female friends as extremely close friendship. I rationalized my lack of feelings toward men as a product of my anxiety issues.

    8. Reaction formation- I "faked" crushes on male celebrities just to keep conversations going, and to keep attention off of myself. I would "choose" which guy on a TV show or in a situation seemed logically the most appealing to me.

    Did anything change for me afterwards? You bet. I've embarked on this journey mainly due to the decision to take my blinders off regarding my feelings. Since then, I've opened my eyes to a world I didn't even know existed. Like anything new, it's frightening and strange, but full of hope and potential.
     
  7. Eric Dave

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    I dont enjoy the arousal to guys. Is that denial?
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Oh yes, I am intimately familiar with all of them! :dry:
     
  9. Nightdream

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    Not exactly that way, but I've been trying to ignore the fact that I found a boy at school linda cute. I'm still not comfortable with the idea of me having a relationship with a guy and have no plans on working on it honestly...
     
  10. wanderinggirl

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    I found it really easy to fake crushes, because we all (us teenage girls) collectively decided which guy to crush on en masse. First everyone was drooling over Hanson, then Jonathan Taylor Thomas, then Leonardo DiCaprio, etc. etc. etc. There was always an "it" boy and as long as I jumped on the bandwagon nobody (including me) would suspect anything different about me.

    I just wanna tell 12 year old me: "Honey, that's not how crushes work..."
     
  11. scared32

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    It was interesting reading all the replies, I can relate to a little bit of what everyone said.
     
  12. Damien

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    Hi Mino,

    when I was a teen, I felt sexual attraction for a few guys I knew, but I didn't take this as an indication of my sexuality at all. I would put it into a mental compartment labelled, "this is just a cheap and dirty thing you think about in order to get off, but it's not your real orientation, cos you are actually a straight guy." When I entered adulthood, I must have suppressed these fantasies, and although they would surface briefly over the next twenty odd years, only a few months ago did I finally 'allow' myself to think about guys in a sexual way again - and this time, without labelling it as 'dirty' - and thus began a journey of self-acceptance which has not been easy, and is still a work in progress. I'm gradually feeling better about myself, more whole, more sexually liberated. I feel like I had repressed an entire dimension of myself for all those years, by allowing myself to feel attraction to women, but not to men (I suspect I am actually bisexual, although right now I really can't put any label on my sexuality at all - I just don't know atm).
     
  13. confused04

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    It seems you are further along in the process than I, but I constantly go back and forth with "Maybe I am just asexual?" or maybe I am bisexual? HOW THE HELL DOES ONE KNOW?! Especially when you live in isolation?
     
  14. ellyy

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    Let me tell you, I have lived in isolation as well (and still kind of do but not as much) due to social anxiety. What changed for me was learning how to be vulnerable and express and feel emotions, not just to others but myself as well. So, as I started to feel more, things got a bit clearer for me. But being isolated got me nowhere along my journey to figure things out. If anything it just made things more confusing.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 03:27 AM ----------

    How did you know that you rationalized this as anxiety? The reason why I'm asking is because I think I might do this too but I'm not entirely sure..
     
  15. Budweiser

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    Don't forget about Overcompensation. I may still be questioning but I feel like that one's been a big part of it all for me. As for the rest:

    1. Denial Who knows? I could be doing it right now! Or maybe I'm not!

    2. Acting Out When I lived in a dorm with other girls I would freak out when I saw one naked, and once when someone accidentally brushed my bum through a shower curtain I YELLED "what the f***?????!!!!!!"

    3. Compartmentalization Is there a way to tell if you do this at all?

    4. Projection I have no idea

    5. Repression
    Possibly? Maybe I'll know closer to the end of the journey.

    6. Intellectualization I do this when I have a break up or lose a friend.

    7. Rationalization Maybe it's normal for heterosexual women to find other women's legs really sexy? Or women are more friendly with each other so it's hard to tell what's normal and what's gay.

    8. Reaction formation. I guess this is kind of like the overcompensation, which is definitely a possible explanation for a lot of behavior of mine in the past.

    Wow this very boring reply just shows how much I have left to learn.
     
  16. TheStormInside

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    I was not quite as savvy as you, but that is a clever "strategy". I do remember the "JTT" phase, mostly because of "The Lion King" :lol:. Through most of my teen years I ended up hanging around people who were a little bit odd or geeky like myself so crushes weren't usually the main topic of conversation, but when they did come up "Johnny Depp" was my go to guy. Also had a "thing" for Seth Green as Oz on Buffy. Poor guy, his ex turned out to be a lesbian, too. :lol: . It's not that I didn't like these guys, I "picked" them because I did... but it was more like "which one fits best?" rather than any kind of natural draw.

    This has been one of the hardest things for me to suss out. I only really realized I was rationalizing those lack of feelings when I realized the feelings I have for women, and how much more intense and immediate they are than anything I've felt for men. It's like night and day. I only recently realized that I don't just not want men to touch me because I'm anxious around them, but because I just don't desire it. It's not like I'm fighting myself to get close to them, it's more like I had been forcing myself to want it.
     
  17. Choirboy

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    Pretty much all of them, except perhaps acting out. I was always way too tightly wound to act out--that would have meant letting go of the iron fist of control that I kept on all my emotions.

    I still have to watch out for projection in particular--mainly in terms of the lingering doubts and negative feelings I have about myself. Normally I'm OK, but when I feel lonely or depressed, it's easy to flip back into "I'm lonely and depressed because I'm boring and unattractive and have nothing to offer anyone", instead of the truth (people have lives and not everything is about me). The rest are coming along well, although still a work in progress.
     
  18. Mino

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    That's exactly what I've experienced. I thought was asexual mostly but that was because I was denying my attraction to girls. I'm still not emotionally attracted to women but as someone on here said, you first need to let go of your doubts. And I don't know whether I'm gay or bi, either.

    I mostly try and tried to rationalize and intellectualize my thoughts and feelings e.g. every women likes women in a sexual way, men's bodies are just naturally unappealing to all women, I'm just having hormonal mood swings, I haven't met the right guy, I will never meet the right girl anyway, I get on people's gaydar by accident, I'm asexual because I don't feel sexually attracted to men, let's forget my (rare) reactions to women,...etc.
     
  19. HooLoo

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    Denial:Some days i still try and convince myself I only like these girls because they have short hair (not all of them even do im stupid) or because i watched too many LGBT movies and shows

    Acting Out:I used to get really angry when someone suggested me in any way being with a woman , i also used to get really angry about the fact that i dressed more masculine and would make people think i was a lesbian (?)

    Repression: I used to over think my sexuality , then i would be like "damn now im not attracted to any guys i over thought it" and have a phase of "asexuality" which would last from a week to 2 months. I also once thought i was asexual bi-romantic (on the way to realising myself) because guys did zilch for me but i would date a girl. Also the idea of being a typical heterosexual relationship bored the hell outta me and i was so sure I didn't want to get married and I didn't want kids and I didn't want a relationship, but that's all changed now.

    Intellectualization: I had a crush on a girl in my school (which i now know was a crush) but for so long, i was convincing myself that i just really wanted to be her friend. I also decided It was just because I've never been with a boy or it was just a phase , "your sister did the same thing and now she has kids dont be silly."

    Rationalization: "I just really think that girl with short hair looks cool , I want that hair cause that's why i like her."
    "I just really admire her, shes really funny , i wish i was funny."
    "He's just not my type, they all like those typical Calvin Klein model guys but i don't like muscles."
    "I wasn't checking her out, she was wearing a black bra under a white shirt, who wouldn't look?!"

    Reaction formation: If i was a fan of a guy in any sense, as a musician or something, I would find something about him that was generally nice such as his smile or eyes. then i'd focus on that, i thought thats what attraction was. I'd often be like "arent his eyes just so nice" or "his smile could light up the room" but it was more of a general analysis of him.

    I'm still dealing with some of these, but I have more days where I'm comfortable and accepting of myself. Looking back at how I was I realised how in denile I was now I've given into how I feel about girls, it just seems more natural.
     
  20. Wolf123

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    I have started to accept it. I think the hardest part for me is getting aroused. I get aroused, but I don't like the feelings. Example, I was dancing with a friend (girl) and I started to feel weird especially when she mentioned about kissing me. I got nervous and stopped dancing with her after awhile because I didn't like how my body was reacting. The next day was hell because that is all I could think about-wanting to kiss her. It drove me crazy, but soon got control back. I have a difficult time with the sex part because I feel bad about thinking that way about someone. Doesn't help that someone from my past whom I had a crush on said I shouldn't feel that way. Sucks, but it is something I am working on.