why does it take some lesbians along time to figure out their lesbian ?

Momma Stocking, how does one put food in a pot daintily?? Or rather, how does one put food in a pot not daintily?



(I'm LOLing, much to your mom's chagrin)

---------- Post added 29th Jun 2014 at 09:16 PM ----------

Also, I feel like bisexuality is not always discussed in cases of women coming out later in life. I read an article someone posted on here earlier today about that woman who fell in love with her au paire and left her husband for her and said she was gay. But she had fallen in love with a man in the past; just because she was with a woman now, meant she could reject all heterosexual tendencies entirely? Hmmm...

I think in cases of bisexuality, if you've gone 30-40 years without contact with a woman you have a lot of lost ground to cover, so your enthusiasm for women could overshadow any tendencies towards men and make you feel completely gay. But if you've had fulfilling relationships with men, why explain to everyone that you're bisexual? Cynthia Nixon is a wonderful example of someone who owns her bisexuality, despite marrying a woman.

Despite not being in my 30s, I feel like right now my enthusiasm for women is due to not having had experiences when I was younger, and craving them now. But I feel like my attractions will settle somewhere in the middle once I make up for lost time. Or maybe not. But that's how I explain my sudden swing; I feel like it might explain other womens' sudden shift from full heterosexuality to full homosexuality. (Not in every case; some women were repressed for years. But in cases where they had little to no inkling.)

 

Societal pressure and family expectation played a large part in my own denial...I knew I wasn't the same as all my peers...I knew I admired the beauty of the female form...but I tried to convince myself it was from an artistic perspective...I knew I didn't love my husband like I was told I should...I knew there was something inside that I was repressing...and even after finally admitting to myself that I was a lesbian I didn't allow myself to act on it for many years

 

Just a thought here - we are told that we won't enjoy sex or we won't enjoy it like men do. When I didn't enjoy it I figured I was normal. I tried with a few different guys, got married twice, but ho hum... I eyed women and longed for them but never acted on that. Boy, when I did -fireworks for the first time with another person (toys helped all those years I was alone)! Sexually repressed much? :eusa_doh:

 

YES! I was totally repressed. For now fireworks just in my head.
Off to see my hot dentist. It's a pain pleasure thing!

 

Lol Rose! My anniversary of that first fireworks even was a little over a year ago. I just went to the dentist two weeks ago. Sadly there were no fireworks though the dentist was cute!

 

Exactly!

I forgot about this. I was content to feel that someone found me sexy enough to fuck, and it didn't matter whether I was sexually attracted to him. When I had a hard time getting turned on or orgasming, that was just normal for women. I faked it. I enjoy sex on an emotional level, because I care deeply for him, so it masked the fact that there has never been a physical part.

 

I didn't read this book. However, your post makes a lot of sense. The women I knew who were, as you say, less gender conforming either came out as lesbian sooner, or it was sort of obvious to people because some didn't want much to do with guys, even on a friendly level. The women who were feminine "enough," or could pass for straight, who did come out as lesbian did so much later, if at all, because of the expectations attached to their passing for straight. This raises the biological issue in a way. Some people just don't come off as straight looking and acting from a young age. On the other hand, others very much do. It's just the way it is. I think the people who are the ones who surprise us are the incredibly good looking athletes and beauty queens who then declare that they are gay or lesbian, respectively, and the surprise is exactly because of those expectations.

 

I agree with that, I think that it would naturally take longer for a femme to realize that she didn't like men, considering she is still attracted to masculinity. To a lesser extent I agree with it being harder for lipstick lesbians as well, considering they don't fit any of the stereotypes of a lesbian.

 

This is assuming a femme is always attracted to masculinity.

I think I would amend this to say that lesbians who dont conform to gender roles AND/OR lesbians attracted to more femme types might discover their sexuality sooner; whereas ones who are more femme or more attracted to masculine women might take longer.

 

Probably because society convinces us that if you are a straight looking girl, then there is NO way that you could not be attracted to males. We get these messages in so many ways, on tv, IRL, through socialization......it sometimes suprises me that any of us feminine lesbians figured out we are gay. Geeze, I remember in the 80's Phill Donahue and his show about Femme lesbians. No one even believed they were lesbians at all because they were not butch and people were accusing them of lying. That is the first time I ever saw a Femme.

PS: Ignore my other later post. I thought I was posting on the "Why are lesbians attracted to Butches..." and somehow got it the wrong place! (long day I guess)

 

I think it makes some men insecure but it also sort of bewilders people that they can't tell. This means some guys will bark up the wrong tree and their intention was not to convert anyone. They might have just found a certain woman attractive and thought she was available. The same is true of masculine gay guys who pass. For both feminine lesbians and masculine gay men, I have typically heard rumblings like "what a waste." That's the comment I've heard the most.

 

Yes, that last part is really messed up. That's the ego trip part. I don't know any straight guys like that. If they've hit on a woman who has told them she's not interested, and especially if lesbian, they move on quickly. I've heard a few "oops" stories. And they're regular guy types and not wimps. I think the types who do what you describe are "got game" types of idiots.

 

I thought I was just bisexual. My family is extremely homophobic, so I figured if I did like both I could just ignore the part of me that liked the same sex and force myself to be with men. The older I got, the more I realized I am not attracted to men at all. So now I am realizing bisexuality was just a stepping stone to realizing I am a lesbian. I think it's different for everyone.

 

There is a reason why the phrase "Bi now, gay later" has endured. Probably should be "Questioning now, gay later", but that doesn't make as good a bumper sticker, because it loses the connection to the familiar credit phrase. It adds confusion for people who are actually bisexual and for whom it is not a stepping stone to coming out as fully gay.