Maybe I should just give up

Making new friends over 40 sucks! People our age often have their established group of friends. Kind of like Jr. High...
As far as dating goes older lesbians are often into casual hookups too. I was told by someone that she does not date women without a lot of sexual experience with other women. WTF.
I feel old fashioned.
I guess we just have to keep busy and learn to be our own best friends for a while. (*hug*)

 

Do not give up. You want a relationship not just casual sex so stick to your goals and keep on trying to meet people. I undertand that this is difficult but you will never get anywhere if you don't try. Don't go out looking for a relationship instead look for friends, try talking to the women at the group, they may have friends that are looking to meet other gay men. the more people you meet the more opportunities you will have.

If men are looking for hookups on craigslist (is this a website? Sorry I dont know what craigslist is) maybe post something saying you are looking to meet gay men to be friends with. Don't dismiss opportunities just because they are not exactly what you are looking for but see this as a way of widening your circle of friends. Stick to your goals and don't just jump into sex just because someone else wants it. Try to see things as potential opportunities.

Sorry if this advice is a bit rubbish but I hope it helps. Molly xx

---------- Post added 20th May 2014 at 07:00 AM ----------

Try going to Seattle more, even if it is just to go to a lgbt friendly bar/cafe. Sit and have a coffee and read a book. The more you do these types of things the more often you will be able to do them. You need to spend some time just being around gay people, even if you dont get to talk to anyone, ordering a coffee in a lgbt friendly cafe could be a good place to start.

 

there is a section on craig'slist in the relationship section for platonic relationships, maybe you can post there?

just off the top of my head.

 

It has taken me a VERY long time to meet my new friend. I learnt to swim in 2006 when I was 38 and started swimming regularly shortly afterwards, and I mean at least 5 times a week. It was something I really began to enjoy and I also started to see quite a lot of new people regularly. I went at regular times (some mornings and some evenings to meet as many different types of people as possible) and started talking to people.

Most of these people are still only acquaintances who I enjoy talking to when I go swimming and some I even look forward to seeing. I even joined an evening fit n swim group which I also really enjoy.

And after what 7, 8 years, I have only met one guy who I would call a 'friend'. We exchanged numbers (he gave me his first!!!) and have been talking about doing other stuff together. We see each other 4 or 5 times a week now and it's exactly what I've been looking for. It has taken a long long time, but we only really met last summer though we were quite quick to realise that we could be friends.

It is very difficult to meet new friends when you're over 30 or 40 but not impossible. You need to do something that puts you into regular contact with other people and hopefully you will find that you have other things in common with one of these people. I met loads of other people before this guy, but we get on so much better than I do with any of the others.

You said you already tried local activities but they failed. What sort of activities and how long did you persevere for? Like I said it has taken me about 7, 8 years and there has been at least one spectacular fail when I did go for a coffee with one guy after a swim, but then he promptly disappeared a couple of weeks later.

 

yet another idea off the top of my head. you said you had joined a group but it was mostly women. what about socializing with this group and enjoy human companionship and as they get to know you, they may introduce you to some of their male friends who are gay or bi and then you get friends with them. kind of like an expanding circle of friends.(&&&) who knows the love of your life may be friends with one of these ladies.

 

I've never used Craigslist; however, anecdotal evidence from other users suggests it's not really a very efficient way to simply "hook up." Same with all the phone apps. Initial contact usually results in endless emails back and forth, with no satisfactory conclusion. In my experience, it's far easier to connect with someone face to face. Best ways to do this, in my opinion, are gay bars, gay cruising areas, gay bathhouses and gay beaches. I prefer the last option myself. Google is your friend. Next time you come to Seattle, bring a towel and some speedos (or go naked). Don't worry if your body isn't perfect — not many peoples' is, and truly, there's someone out there for everyone. You don't necessarily have to participate, but you can simply watch and learn. You will also have a chance to meet other gay men, some of whom may well become friends. Many long-term friendships begin with casual hook-ups.
By the way, I sympathize with your plight, living in rural or small-town Washington. My own "best gay friend" lives in Renton, which is what, 10-15 miles away? As far as he's concerned, it may as well be the other side of the mountains, where out gay men are rarer than hen's teeth.

 

Simple message don't give up there are lots of people on this site to advise you! What have you got to loose:-D

 

Here goes!



BMC, it's not "I think therefore I am" (cogito ergo sum), but rather it's "I am because I party" (convivio ergo sum)!

The more you go out; the more you just get out there and interact, the easier it will get and the greater your chances of meeting that one chance encounter that changes everything...

 

John, take a deep breath and look around... if you're such a failure and loser then why did you even put forth the thought and effort to go to the opening? That hardly qualifies for either label in my book, so how about giving yourself a break? (*hug*)

And as for being an introvert feeling awkward in social settings, sometimes I think I am a case study in some mad scientist's grand experiment on the subject. :badgrin:

And then there's the whole impatience thing... even having a boyfriend doesn't make your world suddenly filled with rainbows and unicorns. Unless you find someone much younger whose only responsibility is their college studies, or someone older who's near or in retirement, odds are you're going to have a lot of scheduling issues between the two of you. You are fortunate to not have the added complexity of the formerly-married-with-kids history that many of us are dealing with.

The point is, relationships take a lot of work from both people. Some have to do a lot of work to find someone; some have a lot of work to keep someone; some have a lot of work to have time to be with someone.

Something that was drilled over and over recently in a required class for our divorce, was the fact that in order to take care of someone else we have to take care of ourselves first. That's true of parenting, and certainly any other relationship that you want to endure for a lifetime. So, do the things that you enjoy doing the way you enjoy doing them, that will likely draw the attention of people who share those interests. And even if none of those people are gay men, odds are they'll know someone who is and you can take it from there...

Just try to relax and live life today. Tomorrow can worry about itself until you get there.

Rick

 

Sometimes I think that the hardest balancing act we can do, harder than walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, is the one where we balance the confidence to open up and share ourselves with others, with the willingness to be alone and self-sufficient and able to function without them. Accepting once and for all that I was gay was no piece of cake, but the thought of "what happens next?" kept me stranded for a long time. I'm not a social person by nature, and over the years I've learned to cover up my awkward shyness with a liberal dose of fake confidence. The weird end result is that people sometimes think I'm a lot more independent and secure than I really am, and instead of turning people off by being too needy, they assume I don't need anything at all!

As Rick said, you don't have the complexity of a marriage and kids, but that complexity can also serve as a kind of twisted security blanket too, because it does provide you with a human, social safety net (even if it's one that is sometimes rather unwelcome). I haven't had tons of experience trying to meet people, but I will tell you that one of the very best first steps is working on your own self-esteem and confidence. Look at it this way - if you're not particularly sure of yourself, can you really expect others to be? If you don't know what you have to bring to a conversation or a friendship or a relationship, can you really expect a stranger to know?

When I told my wife I was gay, it was with the understanding in my head that she might very well want me out of her life as soon as possible, and I had damn well better be able to function without her and her posse of acquaintances and friends. I think that was as frightening as the thought of saying "Honey, I'm gay", because of the possibility of being so completely alone. A big part of my "prep work" for telling her was to prepare for that risk of total isolation. (And as is typical of life, things didn't work out the way I expected, and instead of being isolated and alone, I'm juggling a disintegrating marriage AND a wonderful new relationship--but I'm definitely not complaining!)

It may seem completely absurd in a reverse-psychology kind of way, but assuming you will be going it alone and living your life in a positive, assertive way, and knowing very much who you are, can make you much more appealing to others. If your thoughts are right out there for all to see, open and honest, and not covered up with a lot of insecurity and uncertainty and judgment, people know what they're getting and where they stand. I find a certain amount of shyness or awkwardness very appealing because I totally understand it--heck, I LIVE it!--but I am wildly turned on by an honest person whom I can trust because I know he's not hiding thoughts and feelings.

You're definitely doing the right thing in going to events and not staying stuck at home. What I'd work on next is building up your confidence and willingness to live your life on your own terms, friends or not, partner or not. Self-confidence is a magnet and an aphrodisiac. Learn to accept and enjoy who you are, and people will feel the same way about you. Don't give up on the events and gatherings, but more importantly, don't give up on yourself. In the end, no matter how many activities you have in your life, and no matter how many friendships you make, you will be spending far more time with yourself than with anyone else. Make a list of all your good qualities and post them on the mirror and read them out loud every single day until you believe they're for real! And then trust that others will believe it too. You can do it!

John (yes, another John)

 

I can relate to how you're feeling. I met my husband - and it was a real fluke really. I am extremely fortuante. Otherwise, I have next to no friends. Just a couple that I've maintained for 20 years from university.

When I first came out I felt very lonely too - and I did put an ad in Craigslist in the 'strictly platonic' section - saying that I was a gay dad just out of a heterosexual relationship, and that I was just looking for someone to talk to over a beer or cup of coffee - preferably someone who could relate. And you know what? I got about 6 really decent and sincere responses. One person I never met but we exchanged emails for years. A couple of others I did meet for lunch or for a beer. And one person became a good friend and we would see each other regularly for a year or so until stuff in our lives caused us to drift apart. I did have him to our wedding, but I haven't seen him since I'm afraid.

All to say - it can work. You never know if you don't try. Just be very clear about what it is that you're looking for. I didn't get any 'crack pot' responses at all.

Nothing ventured - nothing gained. There might be someone around the corner in a similar situation to you - who is also looking for a new friend.

 

Hi BMC77

I don’t really like to bring up stereotypes but have you tried going to places that might attract a higher percentage of gay guys. I’m thinking mainly of places that attract creative types.

• Art galleries or art classes (My sister is doing an art class, last week’s session was on nudes and the model didn’t turn up so the guy next to her in class just whipped off his cloths and jumped up on the table in front of the class. I bet he had some interesting conversations afterwards)
• Museums
• Antique collector’s fairs
• Photographic exhibitions
• Amateur theatre productions; perhaps you could become involved in helping backstage with scenery, lighting, or sound. I was involved on and off stage for many years and met many gay guys in a gay friendly environment (The penny still didn’t drop, I had no idea I was gay at the time)
• Book & Poetry readings
• Perhaps hiking clubs
• Trade Exhibitions relating to adult entertainment and sex toys

Sale Gay Guy

 

Not sure if this will help or not but maybe worth a try. Take some of your posts from E.C. and read them out loud to yourself. Listen not so much to what you're saying but how you phrase it and the feelings behind the words. Think about how you put aside the walls and filters when you post and how it feels to do that when posting. Internalize those things and try to replicate it when talking to someone. You may be surprised with the results. I certainly was.