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Please, help me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by nathand, Apr 30, 2014.

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  1. Aaron82

    Aaron82 Guest

    You can go to work and than finished your education. For me it's like that: If you give up you lost your love and your parents start to think that the can change you or control you. If you will fight for your love and for yourself you can only win in a long term. You show to your parents you are not joking and you decided about your life not them.
    P.S.
    How old are you?
     
    #41 Aaron82, May 29, 2014
  2. nathand

    nathand
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    Finally someone who shares my thoughts(!)(!):thumbsup: I am 20 years old, 21 in 2 months.
     
    #42 nathand, May 29, 2014
  3. Kenaz

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    Contacting a psychologist who has experience in this field is a wise choice indeed.

    She is echoing many of the same sentiments I hold -- you have choices to make. You. You also have to accept the consequences of those, ideal and not so ideal. Choose wisely.

    Either way, learn from your actions and what they bring and continually choose wiser in the future. The best of luck to you. Remember you have all of us here and I am glad you are seeking our professional advice and counsel outside of here, locally, as well. Bravo!
     
    #43 Kenaz, May 29, 2014
  4. Aaron82

    Aaron82 Guest

    So you shouldn't think, just do it. If not, on the end of life, you will regret you didn't fight for your LOVE, witch is the most important thing on our life.
    You only live once.
     
    #44 Aaron82, May 30, 2014
  5. nathand

    nathand
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    I know. And the only thing that actually made me think about this was my college. It is private, expensive and I am so happy and proud of my parents because it is not easy to pay off this tuition. Still they do it, but they do not accept the most important part of me and this is what hurts me the most. I know one day they will, but I do not plan to loose my love because of this. I know there are a lot of guys around and all that, but this guy I really love. I would to everything for him, and I care for him so much. Don't want to loose relationship with my parents either but this would be their fault.
     
    #45 nathand, May 30, 2014
  6. Aaron82

    Aaron82 Guest

    LOVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ON OUR LIFE. in my opinion of course. Maybe you can take one year break at school? Than you should find job and move out from parents. After that you will back to school to finish your education. You show your parents that you can handle everythings. This is only way to keep love and finish school.
     
    #46 Aaron82, May 30, 2014
  7. Jimmy04093

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    I am by no means a certified psychologist, not by a long shot. But from personal experiences of my own I would hazard a guess that your mother views the achievements of her children as a reflection of how well she has raised them. In a way, she may be living vicariously through you. If there is something "wrong" with you, it then means that she has messed up or neglected something that would have made things right if only she had taken the time to do it. She may blame herself for how things have turned out and sees only one way to make it right, brute force and strongarm-tactics.This is only conjecture based on experiences I have had so it could be way off the mark and have absolutely nothing to do with your situation. Regardless, it is not your choice how she feels or doesn't feel, but you can control how you react to her expressing those feelings. Even if she seems to be lashing-out or trying to control your life. With me, resolution only started to happen when my mother was willing to acknowledge the possibility that she may have been wrong. I hope this comes sooner for you than it did for me.
     
    #47 Jimmy04093, May 30, 2014
  8. Kenaz

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    Yes. You are also aware that they are funding your college -- and may stop doing so if you push it with them. I am not saying that love is not a beautiful thing or that college is more important or what you should do.

    I just want to give the other angle -- if you lose your funding and do not finish school, that is also, in part, your responsibility. You may or may not have to choose either or, life is not going to end either way.

    Just think it through. Your choice is your responsibility, as are the consequences (good and bad, from your perspective).
     
    #48 Kenaz, May 30, 2014
  9. nathand

    nathand
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    I'm still trying to convince my mom that being gay is not as bad or as wrong as she perceives it. But, she told me the sentence that that I could never imagine she would. I told her that nobody made me gay. I also said: "people can make you try drugs, but they can't make you sleep with someone you don't want to". And then the sentence of a century:
    "Well, I prefer you being drug addict, at least it is curable". :eek::eusa_clap:bang::eusa_doh:
     
    #49 nathand, Jun 10, 2014
  10. TTSP

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    I think you are too hung up about your education. I have friends who travelled the world and only started college when they were 23. Did them no harm. Can you do a similar course in a university that is not private?

    It is not a good enough reason to live in this intolerable situation. Leave live with your boyfriend for a year and see how you feel. Can you take a year out?
     
    #50 TTSP, Jun 10, 2014
  11. NHDave

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    Lie - for now, until you finish college. I've read the entire thread, and it's clear there is no easy, wonderful, perfect solution to your situation. :confused: It sounds like you just need to keep finding ways to see your BF and keep your parents (and sister!) from finding out.
     
    #51 NHDave, Jun 11, 2014
  12. nathand

    nathand
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    My parents are idiots. Both of them. I really hate them. I started working, and I work for a month now. My boss told me that as of fourth of July he will be able to give me 4 days off (which is really hard during high season) because two girls will join us and they will work. And I told them my plans for these four days, but no, they do not agree and they are preventing me from seeing my boyfriend which I told them is just a friend of mine. Even with a support of my sister, they do not let me go. So I am planning to go even without their permission, so I do not care what will happen. I hate them so much. I told them as of today they are no longer my parents, and I will not call them mom and dad, but with their names.
     
    #52 nathand, Jun 17, 2014
  13. quietman702

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    nathand, am so sorry you're having to go thru this... in my opinion you are almost in a blackmail situation... meaning do as your parents want or else... no education. guess it really comes down to your priorities. I agree with others that your personal well being is most important. in other words do you want to live a lie to complete college or move forward in freedom. i would research other schools that are less costly that you can attend with a "work study" program. yes i'm older but i had a similar situation with my parents about my course of studies... do as they say or else. i just had to come to a place that i could no longer live with that type of control. in some ways your parents are to pitied for their lack of empathy and understanding... harboring the hate for them could hurt you mentally, spiritually and physically and my feeling is why hurt yourself over their lack of understanding. Nathan... this process may be the most scary thing you'll ever do. what ever you decide know that there is a community here that cares for you and will not judge you for whatever decision you make. Take care and you'll be in my thoughts.
     
    #53 quietman702, Jun 17, 2014
  14. nathand

    nathand
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    Thank you so much. I mean, I am scared, and that is why I always come here. I know it is somehow pointless even to post anymore, because there is somehow no way out. The thing is I miss him, he misses me. I need to go there and if I don't, we will both be sad and I will feel guilty. And I know my parents will make a whole situation when it comes to the date of going there. I will leave no matter what they say. I will just tell them: I will not listen to you, and I am going there". If they want to quit my education, which they already paid $25 000 for three years, it is their decision. Also, if I go there, people will ask them where I am and they're gonna have to say why I left, so I think the best for both sides is to let me go there and no talk about it. :***:
     
    #54 nathand, Jun 17, 2014
  15. quietman702

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    Nathan... it's never pointless to post even tho it seems that way. by posting you have allowed us to become a part of your life and we value you and what you have to say. no matter how tempted i am to say do this or do that... i can't and won't as you've got enough of that happening. as i said no matter what your decision you will find support here. There is merit in just breaking free and no more talking... again it has to be your decision as only you know what's best for you. Hugs John
     
    #55 quietman702, Jun 17, 2014
  16. nathand

    nathand
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    Well, I know I need college for my future life. I want to provide decent life for my boyfriend and our future family. Then again, I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. Sad and difficult.
     
    #56 nathand, Jun 17, 2014
  17. nathand

    nathand
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    A little update guys. I went and visited my boyfriend. Few days before going I told my mother (twice) that I will go. She got mad. I gave her papers about what should and how should parent react when his child tells him about homosexuality. She trew it away. Dad on the other side told me to do what I want to, although he didn't agree. I went there for 5 days, they didn't even wish a safe trip for me. I didn't call them, neither did they. 2 weeks after coming back, my mother told me that she didn't know I was going, even though I told her. We started to argue, again. She accused me for some stupid things. My sister broke up a 5 years long relationship and according to her, it is my fault because her boyfriend found out of me, which he really didn't. He may doubt, but he didn't find out. It was really a big argue today.

    In 5 days my parents will have to pay half of my college tuition for my junior year. I will tell my mother there is no need for that. After I finish working this season, I plan to move out. I will continue my college somewhere else. I will choose some other college. And this is her fault. This is just her fault. They paid 12000 euro 2 year tuition for nothing. I really can't live with them anymore.
     
    #57 nathand, Jul 24, 2014
  18. quietman702

    quietman702
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    Nathan I'm glad that you shared an update! I know that they're your family, but it inconceivable the way your family is acting/reacting. Stand tall for what you believe to be right and know that their issues are there own... it doesn't mean you don't love them. Right now it's about you my friend not them, they must find their own way. Love and hugs to you.
     
    #58 quietman702, Jul 24, 2014
  19. Kenaz

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    Checking in on you, Nathan. Stay strong and let Love guide you. :slight_smile:
     
    #59 Kenaz, Aug 7, 2014
  20. Candace

    Candace
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    Here's the bottom line...once you get away from your family (which, according to what you wrote, you seriously need to do), and have your own income, then there's no say as to what they can do. Your family has no say in the matter. Once you are self sufficient and have your own place, then more power to you. I'm kinda in the same predicament, as I have not told my father yet. It's just that I want my own stuff first before doing any of this. So, good luck and I'm curious to hear back from you :slight_smile:.
     
    #60 Candace, Aug 7, 2014
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