I'm in love with my brother.

Article 227-25:
"The commission without violence, constraint, threat or surprise of a sexual offence by an adult on the person of a minor under fifteen years of age is punished by five years' imprisonment and a fine of €75,000."

 

Oops, my bad. I was referring to Art 227-22, which states that "Assisting or attempting to assist in the corruption of a minor is punished by five years' imprisonment and a fine of
€75,000." I suspect this could be applicable to OP's quandary.

Edit: On a sidenote, I am absolutely appalled by the idea that in France, it would be legal for an adult to have sex with a 15-year-old. What the heck are these people thinking?!?!

 

You really should just accept that this is a terrible idea. I know you don't agree, and will hold out hope, but really, just accept it. Also, I'd advise a therapist (which isn't something to be afraid of, I've seen one for a few years because of my social anxiety). A good, pro-LGBT therapist can also help you come to terms with your sexuality, which I think is the problem here to begin with. It certainly isn't easy realizing you have feeling towards men at 26, especially when that comes in the form of your brother (I'm not really buying here that it's because he's "very feminine"). But the absolute worst thing to do is to obsess about it and convince yourself that you're in love with him. There's nothing realistic here, and you never would've received advice on this forum telling you otherwise.

[I'm equally appalled that the age of consent in France is 15. Though wikipedia tells me that Article 227-27 DOES prohibit sexual relations with minors over 15 in the case of adoptive ascendant:

"Article 227-27 prohibits sexual relations with minors over age 15 (aged 15, 16 or 17) " 1° where they are committed by a legitimate, natural or adoptive ascendant or by any other person having authority over the victim; 2° where they are committed by a person abusing the authority conferred by his functions."]

 

Although I agree you should not pursue this at slip unlike others on here I do not think your feelings at unnatural or perverted. I honestly believe once someone hits puberty they can be attractive to someone much older or even look older than their age . I think the mason thing he is family and because of the problems he has had you should never pursue him. People on this thread may deny it however most of them probably had these so callled perverted attractions. Find a postive way to deal with these attractions so it does not screw you over eventually.

 

I think you already know what you want to do, you're just afraid. I would be too. I think you need to be straight forward with him. Ask him if he likes you, and go from there.

 

Whether his brother likes him or not is irrelevant to some extent. The thread creator is already struggling with the idea of this... and the ideal, best way to handle this all would be to put it all by the wayside until it subsides, and to be there as a brother for his brother. Whether the brother likes him or not shouldn't influence how what I've outlined above should not be the thread creator's actions anyways.

 

You can just be a loving and caring brother for him. One that supports him and that he can look up to. That gives you a way to express your love in a definite non-harmful way. Then you just need to get over your intense feelings (I know how hard that is, but you can do it) and maybe focus more on your girlfriends.

 

You don't need to talk to him about this. I would advice to think through this first. Give it some time. Get professional help. It will be worth it. This is a big thing, and you can't change the past. Once you take action, it's over. You are obviously struggling with your feelings, but I can tell that you truly love your brother. You have all the time in the world to think about what you're about to do. Take everyone's advice. These are good people, and they care about what is best for both you and your brother. You are letting your emotions guide you. You need to step back and look at the situation logically and approach it from different perspectives. How would your parents feel? How would your friends feel? How would your brother's friends feel? Think back to when you where 15. How would you feel about dating a 26 year old that you met 4 years ago, especially after already having trust issues from being abused? If you take nothing else out of this, take this: you have as much time as you want. Don't feel like you need to rush, because you might get caught up in the moment and make a decision that you will regret.

 

Sorry, last post, I promise. Touching on what others said, your feelings are not unnatural, and you shouldn't repress them either. Whether you should act on them or not... well, you've heard reasons against that. I also don't see the point (but it's your life) of confronting him tomorrow. I know you have good intentions, but can't it be that you're partly doing it to see how he reacts, holding out for the chance that he'll say something like "no brother, I want to be with you"? If you want to be a good brother to him, professing your love and then saying "stay away" will skrew up your relationship anyway (though yes, perhaps not as badly). Perhaps take a step back and give this a few months to a year. In the mean time, see him less than you are now, and try to date other people (but again, it's your call, I'm just a random internet person).

And I was not making a judgement on your sexuality earlier (and might've gone too far by assuming what you find attractive in your brother, sorry). But I do recommend that you try to be more open and relax with the labels. The possibility that you're attracted to your brother because he's a man does not preclude your attraction to woman. Sexuality is fluid, and it's probably too early to label yourself at this stage (regardless of how old you are, we all start at different places). OK, I'll stop talking now. Good luck (for both your sakes).

 

Echoing what others have said on here - I really do not think you should "discuss" this with him...

Put yourself in his shoes - he was molested by his father and now his adopted brother wants to "discuss" with him the sexual feelings he has for him..

This boy has already been "sexualised" by one family member, he really doesn't need it from another..!

You say that he flirts with you etc. as if that somehow justifies (a) your feelings towards him and (b) your right to discuss this with him. I'm sorry, but it doesn't. It is common for people who have been sexually abused as children to "sexualise" other relationships in their life. Think about the internal dialogue he has "learnt" - the fundamental parent/child relationship was of a sexual nature - why not all the others?!

You need to take a huge step back and think about this/discuss it with a counsellor or people who have experience of working with victims of child sexual abuse. Maybe call a rape crisis victims helpline or something which would be free and totally anonymous/confidential and discuss your feelings. I know that they will tell you that your brother needs support and that he does not need to deal with further sexual advances by a family member..

Finally, you suggest that people on this site are not listening or being harsh - we are really not - you just seem to be being blind to the real issues here. You could do some serious, lasting damage to a minor who has dealt with way too much for his years already - don't pursue your own temporary, selifsh desires (even by "discussing" this with him") and inflict more... it is not right.

As to the fact that these are your first, homosexual feelings - explore that. Seek support and discuss that further with friends perhaps.. but you must start to see it as distinct from these feelings for your adopted brother as that relationship can/should never go anywhere.

I sincerely hope you do do the right thing.

Take care of yourself and him.

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2013 at 12:38 PM ----------

Ah, I see I hit send a few minutes too late!

Encourage him to contact victims support helpline/therapist and step back.. You cannot be the one to support him at the moment. You are too close and you both have sexual feelings for one another - and now he is aware of that..

 

1) It's hard to separate your desire to be with him from a desire to exert control over someone else, someone who is young and inexperienced.

2) When I was a teenager my friend had regular crushes on 40-50 year old men. If any one of them had reciprocated or made a pass at her it would have been SEVERELY DAMAGING. It was one thing to crush from afar; but she will admit looking back that she would not have been ready for a relationship with any of these men.


P.S. dano218, I really like what you said. Well put.

JulianES, we don't hate you. It sounds like your talk went really well; maybe bring up to your parents that he should go to therapy. Clearly he needs counseling, as rape (especially by a close family member) is a horrendous thing that is very hard to overcome on one's own. I hope that he appreciates having an open and honest and caring brother like you. Best of luck.

 

JulianES, whilst you have had some strong replies to your post.. all respect to you for airing your situation and asking comments/advice.

 

If you love him then you'll keep your hands off him. If he was abused, you would be abusing him all over again. You would have took advantage of his younger age and developmental gap. You'd be harming him all over again, and I guarantee you that if you two did have sex, when he gets older, he is not going to love you, because he'll realize eventually that he'd been taken advantage of.

My fingers are shaking I'm so mad reading through the three pages that make up this thread. You need help, and you need to keep your hands to yourself. I was abused as a child, and when I actually had consensual sex later on, it was because I was ready and in love with someone my own age. If he were 26, I would have felt used and abused all over again.

I'm going to end my 1,800th post (and I never thought it'd be about this subject) here, because I could go on and on about how I feel about this subject as a lover and as a survivor of sexual abuse myself, but most of it has already been said, and if I was writing it, it would all have to be censored.

But I'll leave you with this: everything you do has a consequence. Be ready to deal with the consequences of your actions.

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2013 at 03:08 PM ----------

That's predator speak. Sorry that I'm blunt, and I'm going to be direct with you because of the nature of this conversation, but you are sick and you need professional help, which we can't give. I care about that boy and his well-being, and this is sick and messed up on so many levels. You need to get a therapist and work these issues out and make a plan so that your brother stays safe.

 

Julian,

First off, I know you're dealing with some difficult feelings for a difficult individual. And I'm not going to jump down your throat about how wrong this sort of thing would be to pursue. I think enough people have added their comments about that.

Nobody's doubting your capacity for care, love, and affection. I know I don't doubt that when you say you're in love with your brother and want to care for him, you mean it. I know that you wouldn't want to hurt him or abuse him, and from your perspective having a romantic relationship with him when you're clearly both interested in each other has to be a good thing. But it just isn't.

You said yourself your brother was molested, maybe raped. He's a survivor, and going through what he went through will psychologically damage anyone of any age - imagine how much worse it must be for him, being so young? And being a boy, in a world that scoffs at male rape victims, referring to rape as a "crime against women" and pretending cases like him don't exist? Right now, even though he thinks he wants it, he doesn't need a sexual relationship. What he does need is you to be there for him, to love him and support him. Be a proud older brother. Help him get help and find resources. If he was raped, he really needs support. But he doesn't need to be your boyfriend, and I'm sorry, but if you really love him, you need to realise that things between you need to be strictly platonic.

 

I agree with this post most out of any of the ones in this thread. It's sincere without trying to make you feel guilty.

Before I got to the end of this thread, I was going to suggest that you think about how things have changed for you since you were his age so you can get a better understanding of why people say it's not a good idea. There are so many things that you've experienced that he hasn't - simply because he's so much younger than you are. In America (specifically in New York state) you can learn to drive when you turn 16; at 18 you can vote and buy cigarettes, lottery tickets, and get a tattoo without your parent's consent; at 21 you can buy and drink alcohol. Not to mention that between the ages of 15 and 26, a person in America would generally graduate high school, decide on an area of study (usually changing their mind at least once) and go off to a university. I know the laws are different where you're from, but these are examples of things that show the size of the age gap between a 15 year old and a 26 year old.

And while I still think that's all important for you to think about, I'd like to ask if you know if your brother has been to see a therapist. It sounds like he could really use someone to talk to about everything that he's been through. A therapist is good because they're not related to you so you're more free to talk to them about what's on your mind. I'd be a bit surprised if he hasn't already been to see one, but I could be wrong. It's also important to note that you can't make someone see a therapist if they don't want to.