What Are You Thinking?

I don't know if the guy I like has the same feelings I do for him. I do not feel anything for the guy that professed his love to me but like I've never rejected anyone before and I'm not the person that likes to reject but I may I have to.

 

Drove my date to the airport so he could catch his flight. Things seem to be going well between us.

 

Hot chocolate. :3

 

I know the feeling. Unless they are rude or arrogant, I usually drop hints until the sun comes up that I'm not interested before I am completely frank with them. It's difficult to flat out reject someone that is genuinely interested in you. Well, good luck with the one you are interested in.

 

Thanksgiving is over. It was exhausting. It's hard to hide nihilistic thoughts, but I put on a happy face for my grandfather. Tomorrow I'm just going to avoid people. Like, all of them. No talking. I probably won't even come here.

 

I kind of feel like doing a monologue for the Hell of it, but I would have no idea of what.

Maybe I'll just read something out of a book and record it and giggle at my attempts to voice act.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_zTN4BXvYI

We need to go back to the old ways. That was pretty damn entertaining.

 

Please, please stop texting me.


Why can't I just fall asleep.

 

About an hour and a half ago, I just got extremely overwhelmed with today. I usually get emotionally charged on holidays, but this hasn't happened in a long time. I was talking to about 4 people online, and for some reason, it was just too much. I just shut my laptop spontaneously and had to take a walk outside. The thing with the religious family was weighing on my mind heavily, probably because this is the first year I've (un)officially been out of that religion and am getting used to everything... Another thing is that I expected the holidays this year to be a bit different, to not feel so alone. My best friend and my boyfriend. The two most important men in my life. I expected to share at least a little bit of that time with them, but they both left me, just as all the important people in my life do. I'm over both of them. I'm just so mad at them both. I never expected them to become members of my metaphorical rogues gallery. I don't know what made me think about the two of them. But that on top of the whole family thing, plus my father being here (he still hasn't left....)....I just couldn't deal with it. I didn't cry, surprisingly. Just got extremely angry and frustrated and sad and annoyed and ugh. I feel like I'm "half-trusting" the friends I have now because I'm way too afraid of history repeating itself. I'm always figuring out whether people have ulterior motives. I'm always on guard because I don't know when they'll get tired of me and just leave. I don't want an existence where I always feel like I'm watching my back so I don't get stabbed in it. I don't want to spend the holidays being bitter and angry for the potential good times missed and robbed childhood. I don't want to be this Bryan anymore.

 

Thanks for sympathizing and for the hopes The one I'm interested in (K) hasn't dropped any hints about him not feeling the same way but he hasn't started to ignore me; like I said he contacted me out of the blue so hopefully I can hope for the best.

 

I'm thinking it is time to go to bed. <click>

 

I need...to go to bed. But I'm too...high strung. And my father's still here.

 

I just turned 29 a few minutes ago, and looking back on life. Kind of disappointing. lol

 

Fuck me, this is no time to try to do complex maths problems relating to civil wars... I hope these authors know the suffering theyre inflicting on me!!

 

~Last week~
Her: "He thinks you don't like him anymore."
Gen: "Oh, please. He's just being dramatic."
~This Morning~
Him: "Happy Thanksgiving!"
Gen: *Ignores text*

I didn't even realize the irony of this until a few hours later, though, in my defense, I am ninety-percent positive that this was just a random holiday chain letter and I never respond to those anyway. If I'm wrong and he genuinely wanted to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, then I will full-heartedly admit that I am an asshole.

Well, there is still plenty of time to turn things around into something that you can look back with satisfaction. And Happy Birthday. (*hug*)

 

Wow. I think I actually liked Thanksgiving this year. I don't quite know what to attribute it to.

42 hours of work next week. Kill me now. I know, I know, people work twice that per week and don't complain... Whatever. It's my job, and I'll hate it if I choose. Really it isn't that bad, but I already damn near live there and all the BS has my anxiety through the roof. Overtime is a plus though, it means more money.

Hmm. All in all, not a bad day at all really. Especially since my good friend Mariah came back for the weekend. She said my pumpkin pie was the best pie she's ever had in her life.

Plus I have to come up with a Secret Santa gift for my assistant manager (who quote, "isn't sure how to take him (me)." I pride myself on going HAM on Christmas shopping, chiefly because I only buy for people I really like or know very closely, and I only met him two weeks ago...

 

Half way through this essay... shoot me please!

 

bored, drunk