Divorce first, out second?

I will tell you that I came out to my wife first, and now we're going through a divorce. I'm wishing I had done it the other way. Or at least had a clearcut "escape plan". I wasn't even planning on asking for a divorce, I was just trying to explain why I didn't want to keep trying to have sex with her anymore.

It seems like wives feel extremely rejected and pissed when we tell them that we're gay. I wish I had done it a different way...

 

Look up "Borderline Personality Disorder" and if she meets the criteria read as much about it as you can. Then get "Walking on Eggshells" and read about divorcing from a borderline person. If you decide that she is indeed borderline then feel free to contact me, I have been in a horrendous divorce that can be attributed almost completely to my ex's mental illness. You will not be able to navigate through a divorce from her without help.

 

Sounds like my harpie!

I mean what is rational about hiring a lawyer when the provincial government is willing to pay for 5 sessions of mediation (which would have worked since we didn't really disagree on much). Now we're going to be arguing over who gets to pay the lawyer...insane!

The only explanation I have is that she wanted a lawyer to argue that our division of property and debts should be unequal (the law prescribes equal division, with some exceptions-which is what she thinks she can count on), but after I'm done paying child support and spousal support, I ain't earnin' as much as her anymore.

My wife initiated the divorce proceedings (I know she'd been thinking about it for years) so I accepted that; I will come out to her and the kids when the final divorce papers are signed, not a minute before or later.

 

My wife isn't BPD, but she is narcissistic as all hell. She also deals with anxiety, but she won't admit it. She can't deal with anything unusual coming up with at all. And if there's an unusual bill going on at all, she completely flips out.

 

Hi,

I believe it may be we seek woman who accept us as a blessing, or we seek them as we view them in a way that makes us acceptable in our own minds.

My wife is the opposite. She has self esteem issues. When she is upset she will not talk to me at all. Better than screaming but not resolution oriented.

Why does she have self esteem issues... She is morbidly obese. I believe this made her accepting of my quirks (lack of sexuality with her). She is a degreed, certified professional and in her line of work very competent but she has self esteem issues due to her weight.

Could we have subconsciously sought woman who would more accepting of us and our quirks?

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife but there is no passion. A passion I need. I did not tell my wife I was gay. I told the truth in that I wanted her to be loved passionately and simply not live with her best friend in a sexless marriage. We did have sex for years but there came a point when sexually I could not force myself anymore. I gave up trying to force myself to be straight.

In a perfect world she will find a new love before she learns I am gay. I don't want to invalidate our years together.

I suspect many of us ended up married to partners who accepted our quirks as we accepted theirs. Desperate people getting married and accepting what the other offered.

Oh we loved them, but we both ignored obvious issues in hopes of finding happiness.

Just my guess.

---------- Post added 23rd Jul 2013 at 01:55 AM ----------

Do me marry damaged partners because we viewed ourselves as damaged at the time?

 

With the future in mind, if the above is true...

There are very few undamaged gay men (homophobic society) so we need to discuss obvious issues.

I know I relate best to gay men who were previously married. Usually the first thing we do in our friendships is to be totally honest how we became married and how it affected us. Other guys who got past their marriages just understand with few words, but we each share the whole enchilada.

Lifelong openly gay men when told about my marriage are just confused by the story. Responsibility to children and its depth also seems to puzzle them.

Even now I worry more about my sons than my ex-spouse.

This honest discussion is something we should have done with our ex-spouses before we married.

 

Personally, I would consult with a lawyer to understand what your options are. As for the kids, I think they have a say here in Canada when they are 14 regarding who they want to live with. So your kids are close to that age and might have a say. You don't want to drag your wife through the mud, but you also want to ensure that the kids are well cared for, which sounds like that would be living with you.

Including the talk about your orientation is probably unecessary. It sounds to me like you should be pursuing a divorce anyway, especially if she refuses treatment of any kind. If she was open to counselling, then you'd need to come clean with the fact that there are 2 reasons you're contemplating divorce - 1 being her irrational behaviour and 2 being the fact that you're gay.

It's a complex situation for sure. I'd seek out the advice fo a lawyer and work with a counsellor yourself. That certainly helped me - although my wife was far more understanding and supportive than the average wife in this situation.

 

One thing borderline people do is find someone with traits that they admire. For example I was educated, had a great career, was very intuitive and affectionate and was a total caretaker. I also put 1000% effort into being the best heterosexual lover I could be to help beat down my homosexual desires. And almost everything I did reinforced to her what she hated or felt deeply insecure about in herself.

Over time a borderline person will learn to hate and vilify the person they once loved for everything that was once so dear to them.

 

I wanted to get divorced before I came out, but my wife didn't want a divorce and kept on insisting we go to a marriage counselor. A few months later I couldn't take it any more, so the next time she brought up going to a counselor I ended up coming out to her. That didn't go over too well at first, but she finally did decide that a divorce was the way to go. Things have worked out well, and we are happily divorced now. (!)

 

Choirboy, you need to leave her now. I'm an Australian so I don't know what the laws are in the US, but if she is hitting your kids you have a responsibility to get them out of that situation. Every day they live in abusive home is damaging them. Getting out is priority 1, worry about coming out later.

I'm currently going through a messy separation myself. I live and work with a man but have fallen for a woman. I think deep down he knows I am bi but that's not the only reason I'm leaving him, is also because our relationship is bad, so I don't see any point in raising it right now.

As to why all you guys have ended up with borderline women, I think we need to remember these girls are confused too. Perhaps their condition caused them to miss or ignore the signs of your sexuality that other women saw? Is very interesting, isn't it!

Here's what I think you need to do:
1. Consult a lawyer. Keep this secret!
2. Find alternative accommodation for you and the kids..
3. Explain to her that you are both unhappy and you need to separate for everyone's well being, then leave as soon as possible.
4. Take the kids with you. In Australia, kids that age have a huge say in where they live and no court would force them back to an abusive parent.
5. Worry about coming out down the track. At this stage I think it would just add to the trauma and confusion.

Good luck!

 

Yeah that's a big step! Maybe if you just view this as a "consultation" for now that will help keep you calm. You really do need to find an attorney who you click with - I interviewed a few and some really just turned me off right away. Also, once you do find one you need to lay out some sort of plan or strategy to make sure that things go as smoothly as possible. Kind of prepare for worst case. Even if you are kind and reassuring in your approach things can still explode in your face, so knowing your rights as far as money, home, children etc. is paramount.

As far as the big picture, you are certainly not alone! Don't ever forget that (unfortunately) divorce is very very common and the vast majority get through it and move on as if it were an unfortunate bump in the road.

 

Well done Choirboy, you are progressing in the right direction! It's so great that you can be so open with your kids. Speaking to a lawyer should help too. Most family lawyers (I used to be one) have seen a whole lot of domestic violence and ought to have some tips on how you best approach this.

 

Well it's kinda scary but a seasoned lawyer can pretty much predict exactly how the divorce is going to go for you. I consulted with several attorneys and more than once was told that I was looking at a dirty $100,000 divorce, that I'd better take full control of all my assets and whatever I do don't leave the house! I found the hardline approach distasteful so I didn't follow their suggestions....well the divorce is about $200,000+ so far and I fought to gain back everything she stole, including MY house.

I would feel like my experience was at least a tiny bit positive if just ONE person learned from my mistakes!