Married for 15 years, 2 kids, just living the motions. Long Story

Craig, you are not alone, we are here for you. Telling her you're gay will probably be the hardest words to come out of your mouth.

We feel loss much, much more severely than any possible gain. It's a kind of trap, this fear.

Your relationship with your kids will inevitably change, but it won't be lost, they still need you. Can you contemplate a future where both you and your partner will be able to participate in the raising of your kids? He has kids, can you contemplate a future where you get involved in the raising of his kids too as they enter their adult lives?

You have something amazing to gain with your boyfriend/lover, but you need to go through this separation first. Think of it as a price to pay for something worth far more than you can possibly imagine now.

It's a good thing that she already suspects something is not quite right, it's half the battle and a good starting point for the "conversation"

 

Hi Craig,

I'm so happy that even in the last day, this community has been able to help you see the situation more clearly. Yes, it sucks, but it's doable.

As far as how to tell your wife, I'm afraid I don't have any advice there. I'm in the same situation with my husband--a little easier because we have only been married two years, and we have no children. But there are two issues, which I'll just tell you briefly--just enough to support what comes next: 1. My husband thinks I am the love of his life. We dated when we were 14, 18, 25 and then married at 40 after 15 years of silence. During those 15 years, he compared every girl he dated to me. His friends have used the word "obsessed" to describe his feelings about me during that time. He's not going to want to hear what I have to say. 2. My husband has an anger problem. He tends to rage. Not looking forward to that.

All of this is only to say that I'm in the same situation in that I don't see it going well. And I am thinking the exact same thing you are: I need to get myself in a better financial position before I say anything--I have to protect myself. I need to be able to leave and have somewhere to go immediately. If for no other reason than to avoid his rage.

So I don't believe your preparations are selfish at all--I think they're wise (says the girl who's doing the exact some thing...). You have to take care of yourself in any circumstance, and this is certainly no exception.

Also, I wanted to tell you one way in which this situation has brought a little more happiness into my life, even at this early stage. I met with my ex-husband yesterday. Once I realized I was going to come out, I wanted to tell him first (after my therapist). I felt I owed it to him as a partial explanation for what went wrong in our marriage. I also still love and care about him and wanted to tell him just to tell him. I knew he would be supportive.

And while he was surprised, he was just as supportive as I thought. And, what I came to realize is that once the dust settles, he and I can truly be friends again. We know now that the breakup of our marriage was inevitable, and I don't pose any threat to him getting together with someone else. A lot of barriers to our friendship have (or soon will) come down. I'm very thankful for that.

What I mean to illustrate is sometimes happiness comes out of difficult times, often in the most unexpected places. Yes, this sucks, but there is still more happiness to come in your life.

I'm so sorry about the situation with your boyfriend--although, if your wife already knows, or at least suspects, you may be free sooner than you're anticipating.

--Z

 

Everything's going to be alright, okay buddy? I'm sorry if this is a repeated question ( i didn't read all the replies) but is your wife aware of all this?

I think it's great that you're taking the initiative pursue the solution to all of this. I also think that this is one of the cases where your happiness should come first. If you're not truly happy with where you are in life right now, you're not doing any one any favors. I'm sure if you and your wife come to an agreement, you would still be able to see your kids, and I'm sure they'd understand (this also kinda depends if your wife is aware of the situation).

I'm sorry life is kinda sucking right now.

 

Hang in there, Craig. Don't push yourself too hard. Get some rest. Get a massage. Eat some chocolate. That's what I would do, anyway.

--Z

 

Craig,

Everything you did or did not do today was right and appropriate for you, your BF, and certainly your kids. Give yourself the time you need to make your next move as carefully and as purposefully as possible.

My only counsel to you when you decide the moment to come out to your wife is to do it from a stance, definitely not of shame, nor of pride, but of confidence and firm resolution that this is the right thing to do for everyone concerned. You need to show that confidence and you need to make it clear that there will be no turning back.

I wish you all the luck in the world, Craig, I truly do. If the fates are with you, your BF will be there for you when the time is right.

 

I know it will Craig, because I myself have fallen in love with a wonderful guy, completely unexpected, and completely right for me.

If it can happen to this old guy, it can happen for anyone!

Be strong and of good courage, nothing worthwhile is gained without some struggle!

 

She knows even if she isn't aware. Telling her is way better than walking around with a weight on your shoulders. The coming out and the relationship are two huge things at once, and somehow I think are better if dealt with separately. With what I going through, even though I do want a relationship, I don't think I could handle it yet.

 

Your storey is so familiar. My kids are 13 and 16, and they are why I am still in my marriage today - thinking that I am doing what is best for them. I really question that now.

But they are also why I am still alive today, as I went through some dark times and they are why I did not do something stupid.

My wife asked me just over two years ago if I was gay and I just laughed - but was having a panic attack on the inside. Straight afterwards I wished I could have been honest about it. I am hoping to come out to about two weeks time.

Just over two years ago I decided I will need to leave for my sanity as well as for the benefit of my wife.... but I am the biggest procrastinator in the world. I know it will be better for everyone in the long run - and I have tried to convince myself that I am the only one who I am hurting .. and what does that matter because I have already sacrificed so much for my kids and wife.

About 9 months ago I met a man that I have fallen in love with. He has been so supportive and I know will make it so much easier for me having him at my side while I go through so the times ahead of us. Yes, I think I am leaving earlier because of him (it is just too easy to keep going like this - but I am sure it is having a toll on my mental health)- I do not want to lose him however, if it does not work out between him and I, so be it. At least we will have tried.

Sure, there are a lot of fears about coming out, but I can't wait to experience that feeling I will get when I am being honest to everyone about who I am.

You have an added difficulty of having distance between you and your boyfriend. One of you will need may need to move for you to pursue a permanent relationship. I agree with Greatwhale, and maybe you should ask him if he is prepared to move since your kids are a bit younger.

So many things to think about for you at the moment. Just remember to do a lot of deep breathing - or something that helps you to relax. I know when I get myself so worked up about things, and am constantly thinking about living a lie to everyone, and wanting to come out - everything is so overwhelming that it is hard to allow myself a few minutes out to relax - and I would go to bed late stressed and wake up stressed and tired. And this would go on for days until I feel like I am at a breaking point.

You have recognised this in yourself, so please you need to distress enough, to focus on the best way of taking the next steps you decide to take.

As you have already seen, there are so many of us in the same boat, and many of these people have already been through what you are going through now, so stay in touch as we want to support you in whatever way we can.

Take care

 

It's almost scary how similar your story is to mine. I just joined EC; and I'm not quite ready to share everything. Yet.

I wish you the best of luck, and I'm definitely interested in how things turn out...

 

Hi. You're getting great advice from others in the group, so I'll just add to it for what it's worth. I told my wife I'm gay which was difficult and she cried for a few weeks, but now it's so much better because she understands why I was drifting from her and it wasn't her fault. Now we're talking about how we'll raise our son while living separately, but still be a family and still care for each other. I suspect your wife already believes you're gay even if you denied it years ago. Maybe it's time to just confirm it. It won't be easy, but you'll be better off than you are now when the dust settles and the truth is out. I know I am. I wish you all the best.

 

Ouch! Sorry to hear that!

You're going to have to write one big-ass apology, whether or not he will ever speak to you again...

You are grieving for doing the right thing with regard to your BF, and also at the prospect of losing the comfort of a marriage, however incomplete and unsatisfying. It's not an instant thing to come to terms with these events. It's understandable that you would turn to Alcohol as a way to numb these necessary, but painful feelings. Feel them instead, fully, you need to do this to move forward.

If you think life is worth living wholeheartedly, it's worth it. If you think living with integrity and being comfortable in your own skin is important to you; it's worth it. If you think loving and being loved by someone like never before...it's worth it.

 

Hi Craig,

I'm an ex wife of a potentially gay husband. We didn't have much sex but a lot of love. We have a daughter. If you handle the split well with love, fairness, and honesty I think you have a chance at an amicable relationship with your wife. I think coming clean about all breaches of trust are essential to rebuild new trust. If you can be honest, admit to things you've done that hurt her it sounds like they are all understandable and forgivable. You'll need to address why you married her in the first place. Please place your kids at the center of all your choices and ask her to do the same. Both of you Keeping them as your focus should help keep things civil. My ex and I managed to divorce without a single lawyer. Of course, I wanted to leave for happiness, not money. I didn't want a cent, and agreed to 50/50 time with the babe because I believe it's best for her to have as much time with a loving father as a loving mother. We cooperate on a daily basis for her sake an it's kept us friends. He's hurt that I left quickly and found love quickly. He denies being gay. But, it is absolutely possible to have it all work out. It takes both people being selfless for the kids. I think if you pose it like the last thing either of you wants is trauma for the kids and can agree that staying married as a lie isn't good for the kids then she'll want to work with you in the long run. There will probably be a lot of emotion. But she might feel free too! I sure wish my husband had been the one to leave and tell me he was gay. I had to emancipate myself and people judge me for that. This will give her the chance to find happiness without blame for leaving you. But you gotta keep loving her for it not to turn ugly. And my ex and I have that weird friend/love/coparent thing going on but it works for us.

Your kids are at a challenging age for this, but I think they'll be better adults for it. Be honest with them, too, and acknowledge their concerns.

You're doing fine. It's absolutely not hopeless. I'm proof of that. It's gut wrenching to be honest about these things but it sets us free. It's brave to step forward and tell the truth. Try not to be defensive if she attacks. Respond with love and the anger will fade faster. Let me know how it goes.

I'm here if my "wife" perspective helps.

---------- Post added 26th May 2013 at 06:05 PM ----------

I agree that taking the plunge is the best way to come out about anything. She already suspects so start there (as already suggested by GW). Respect what she's going through and you can't go wrong. It's devastating for both of you. Love and support her so that you have a leg to stand on when you expect the same from her.

 

GW, while I agree with you in that I shouldn't approach this from an aspect of shame that I'm gay; how can I not be ashamed that I've waited soooo long, been given several opportunities to come clean, been unfaithful... The list of things I think that I should feel shame for is so long, being gay isn't even on the list...

 

Yes--I believe this, too. Congrats on reaching out to your cousin.

--Zoe