I am 18 and my girlfriend is 34 is this a problem?

I am 51 and my boyfriend is 21. :eek: :eek: We do not see it as a problem and don't care if others are shocked by it. Will it last? No one knows. That isn't for others to decide. We have been seeing each other since December 2011.

I think it becomes a problem if the younger person is being exploited and the relationship is very one-sided.

 

I'm in a relationship with the exact same age difference as the op. Ninteen to thirtyfive. I've made it very clear that due to my emotional problems she can do no more than visit until I get them sorted out. She has her problems and I have mine and we both understand that yet love eachother reguardless.

The age difference is awkward true, for other people. I've had three other relationships, granted they were all older than me by three to ten years but none of them ended on poor terms. I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of. If anything I'm the one taking advantage of her.

Maybe you can help her get on her feet op?

 

At the risk of hijacking the thread:

While I agree with the general sentiments of your post I think this comment is a little unfair, for the most part I'm pretty sure many people have concerns when someone is under a certain age when they become involved with someone much older than them. As awful as it sounds when someone enters into a relationship with this sort of age gap in their late twenties as opposed to their late teens people generally have less of an issue as you've entered into a stage of life where it is presumed you'll have a bit more in common with your partner.

Speaking in generalities I regard entering into the late twenties as a time where having 10+ year age gap is not particularly significant. This is where the majority of concern is and results in people coming across a little strong in their desire to make sure that the young person is aware of all the negatives and reasons for the opinions people have of their particular relationship. I cannot speak for anyone else, but personally if the OP were 28 and involved with someone in their 40's I would not have the same concerns as I nearly always do when one of my younglings (and the late teens/early twenties on this site) tell me about their relationships with older individuals. To me it's a completely different kettle of fish, while the age gap may be within the same range they are normally operating under completely different dynamics.

Comparing the number of people I know in their teens to the number of people in their late twenties who have entered into relationships with those 10+ years their senior I see more emotional damage amongst those in their teens. Those in their twenties have normally matured a little more, are a little better at identifying unhealthy behaviours, and in my own personal unvalidated experience a sounder base to start with. As such I am not sure many would claim your relationship to be unhealthy, people are much more concerned when the youngest individual involved is in their teens/early twenties as they are seen as much more vulnerable than those in their late twenties (excluding specific circumstances).

I am sorry that some of the comments on this thread upset the OP, and I feel sick thinking that I contributed to her feelings of embarrassment at what was a perfectly sound query. People posted what they felt was best and I'm sure it came from the right place, and as unfortunate as the wording was I think this is something that will be run into on a site full of ordinary members of the public in a setting where it is nearly impossible to judge how you need to approach a specific individual asking about a specific topic. I doubt many individuals who respond to the threads here are professionals with years of practical experience, and unfortunately this results in well meaning comments verging on being insultive.

I am not defending any of the comments made, my own included, but I am saying that as unfortunate as the situation here is and as horrible as it is that it has taken someone feeling embarrassed and as if she cannot find the community she wished to find here, if it is a learning curve that helps people approach their replies to threads such as this with a little more tact then there is a silver lining to be found. At the expense of this particular individuals comfort unfortunately, and that really is regrettable.

 

Isn't our society grand? At 18, you can choose a career, make financial transactions, join the military, and vote on Election Day. Yet when it comes to love, they apparently are just too weak-minded and inexperienced to understand what is going on. Hmm . . .

My bf (his name is Daniel, btw) at 21 is more mature than some guys who are in their 30s. Our relationship is healthy for both of us. I have met his father and his 24 yr old brother (mother is deceased). They like me and have given us a They trust me.

 

I've never met Daniel, so I won't speak for him. But just so we're clear, I'm much more mature than the majority of 21 year olds... doesn't mean I want to date a 51 year old, nor would it be healthy for me to date a 51 year old. There's more to a compatible relationship than maturity.

 

Well, Budder, the fact that you deleted a significant portion of my previous post here shows me you aren't as mature as you think you are. That is clear to me. And if you don't want to "date" a 51 year old, then don't. Who asked you to do that?

 

As he was responding to a specific section of your post, then why would he quote all of it? He was quite specific, he is mature for someone of his age but his maturity does not mean he wants to go out with someone in their fifties. Obviously your partner feels differently, whatever floats your respective boats.

Personally I think it has little to do with teenagers being weak minded and everything to do with the fact that regardless of other things they may be legally allowed to do they are still classed as vulnerable due to their age. There are significant changes going on that continue into the early teens that can make the majority of individuals under 21 vulnerable to older individuals.

I am not going to comment on your scenario, I acknowledge that some relationships with significant age gaps work in a healthy fashion but my experience has been that many, many younger people involved in these sort of relationships have been actively manipulated and controlled by the older partner in a way that is linked to the fact that they believe the behaviour is normal within a relationship.

It is irresponsible of anyone with experience of working with teenagers who have troubled relationships, be that with those older than themselves or not, to say "love is all that matters". It would be irresponsible of me to ignore the fact that there are issues, and it is irresponsible to say it is all down to teenagers being weak minded. They are stubborn as mules, strong willed and that is something that often gets them into trouble. They know best, those who agree with them understand, those who don't are standing in the way of a love they could never understand. I'm all for people making their own decisions when it comes to relationships, but I do not agree with holding back from the issues involved with entering into/sustaining such a relationship.

Just as no one asked someone to give their position on dating an older individual, no one asked for anyone to post that they were happily involved in a relationship with someone significantly younger/older than themselves. The beauty of a discussion forum is that people discuss things, whether or not someone has specifically requested that be done.

 

If it works, it works. However, I wouldn't date someone who was 16 when I was born. That's just me, though, and it's really up to you.

 

It wasn't a problem before was it? Why should it matter now?

 

My boyfriend was 16 when he met his ex who was 36 at the time. They both tried to really NOT get into it, but they couldn't help themselves. They had an open relationship, mind. The age gap was NOT the cause for the break up three years later.

Even if one is more like the mother, that doesn't mean it's bad if you are happy in that situation.

My boyfriend is in hospital now and will come out totally depending on me for at least a while, and maybe forever. So you might say there is no balance there. I don't care a damn. It's the way it is.

Also, sometimes relationships don't last anyway. I think we learn and change, no matter what age we are. And sometimes that means that you are better of splitting. Why do people always think that if you are in a realtionship it is something for life? (The only people I know that are together for like forever are my parents.)
So maybe you will only be with her for 5 years or 10. So what?


Some people will always be like a kid and others are really responsible people at 16.
Life experience doesn't always come with age.
There are people that hardly ever leave their houses. Or refuse to learn.
I think that people that learned to take care of themselves and sibblings at a younger age f.i. are far more capable of having a steady relationship.
My boyfriend is 2 years older than me but it felt like he was at least 10 years older. His background and life experience was totally different than mine. He's been through hell and I grew with loving and caring parents...And it still works.

If two people love eachother and they found a way to express that to eachother and it feels good for both, why having doubts?

Ofcourse there are "general guidelines" but that doesn't mean that everything that is different is bad or bound to go wrong.

 

Well, it's just your view. If a person is happy in the situation, what on earth is the problem?

I would like to see the statistics to prove that age gaps don't work. Can you tell it is about the age gap or perhaps the partners had issues that had nothing to do with age?
If someone is a jerk, he is still a jerk if he is in a relation with someone of the same age, I would think. If you are submissive as the younger person, you are probably the same with someone of your same age.
I don't see how your dispostion changes because of age difference or not...

 

I have created a poll about age differences, and it isn't too out of date, so if you could add to the poll, that would be great. The majority of people on my poll stated that they believe the age difference between romantic couple does not matter whatsoever as long as the two people both love each other. A smaller number of people selected that they believe age difference does not matter unless it is an extreme age difference (by that I mean approximately a 20 year age difference), and a very small number of people stated that age differences between couple should be no larger than the smaller number of 5 years.

In my opinion, age does not matter at all. An 18 year old can go out with an 80 year old as far as I'm concerned. So, don't worry about that small age difference you are asking about; that is no problem!

 

I'm 30 years old; nearly as old as your girlfriend. I'm sorry to say, that I would struggle to date someone who is under the age of 25. I would never say never, but someone younger than that would just be at a completely different point in their life.

Understand, this really doesn't have much to do with numbers. Someone who is 55 dating someone who is 69 - that's a perfectly compatible relationship. It has to do more with the different stages we go through in life. Between the ages of 15 and 25 we're in the process of becoming an adult. We're struggling to find our place in the world, and what we really want for ourselves. In fact, we're still developing - the human brain isn't even fully developed until the age of 25.

I think this is a more amorphous process than say, moving from being a toddler to an adolescent, and an adolescent to a teenager. They are very strongly defined boundaries - for example, moving from adolescence to a teenager is marked by the onset of puberty. Becoming an adult is more of a process of maturity that is marked by intellectual and emotional development.

It's not something that is easy to understand unless you've been through it. I can look back at my early 20's, and really wonder what the hell I was thinking when I did certain things. That's what maturity gives you; perspective. I think at some point in the future, you're going to look back at this time in your life and wonder what the hell you were thinking. Not because you're dating an older woman, but because you're dating an older woman who is apparently a lot less put together than you are (based on what you've written). Take that into consideration.

 

I think the age gap is variable. However, I believe that trying to have a relationship with someone more than ten years older or younger is a bit unhealthy. Just think of what ten years of life experience is. I'm 21 and if I tried to date a 31 year old, that is like me in college trying to date someone who has had a career for 7 years - probably has a house\car\ other possessions that I don't have.

 

@ chip . I don't know what you express in other topics. I read what you write here, and just it being unhealthy didn't mean anything to me. So I am very glad you took the time to get into it a lot further, despite the fact that you probably already have done so a hundred times. Thank you.
And in fact I don't even disagree.
But I think that even the "entire psychology, addiction, social work, and counseling field" have their “when…” and “if…” .
You talk about it generalizing and I talk about exceptions. It’s not like I would advice someone to seek out a much older person. It’s just that I understand it can happen and it can turn out okay.

You mention the older person that seeks out a younger person for a reason.
But sometimes people just fall in love. Like my boyfriend and his much older guy. That guy wasn't looking for a younger person and when he found out it was hopeless to fight it, he just tried to be the best guide he could be to give my boyfriend the best opportunities in life and love. My boyfriend came into the relationship with plenty money, so it wasn’t like he needed him for that.

As for different stages in life, I think it can be great to have a mentor that has already been at the stage where you are at.
And if that mentor happens to be the person you love, even better.

I don't want to be disrespectful, you are older and wiser, and I understand that it is only logical for you to point out that the situation CAN BE "unhealthy", but since we don't know the people in question, we can't really know what the case is between them. So, I think it is more important what she feels. And I just say that if she is happy (now), then it is okay.
You think she has doubts or otherwise she wouldn't ask about it. I think that maybe because other people keep constantly reminding her how "abnormal" it is and react shocked, she started to doubt and looked for some support. I can imagine what she must feel.

As a gay person, I hear opinions all the time about how abnormal that is and I'm here at EC just to feel that there are more like me and I'm not abnormal. And I KNOW I'm not, I have supportive parents, I have no self-esteem issues but still it feels good to be amongst people that don't judge me for being gay.

Anyway, I totally agree with you in general, but also feel like defending the fact that it doesn't have to be bad. And I want her to feel she is not a freak.

I will definitely look up what you mentioned. I like to know as much as possible on any subject. My mom is a lawyer and she can just as well defend as attack the same point… There are always two sides and a lot of grey in between. I want to see it all.