I can't believe in asexuality

I suppose it is possible someone who is asexual would become sexually attracted to someone at some point, just as it is possible a gay or straight person could become sexually attracted to the sex they normally aren't. I wouldn't really say this means they were really "straight, gay, whatever" all along rather their sexuality altered. Really that's just semantics.
As for people that never have a sexual attraction in their life what do you find so hard to believe about that exactly? You obviously accept that there are non-heterosexual orientations so even if you think sexual attraction is innate for survival purposes it obviously isn't always perfect and can change. If you want a definitive biological reason there isn't one, not a huge amount is understood about the brain.
The brain is a weird and complex thing: shit happens, everyone's weird, someone says they're asexual just accept it and move on.

 

I am not asexual, but I believe asexuality exists because, why not?
I've read that asexuality is like an spectrum, ranging from really asexual to really sexual, so just like there are heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual people, there are people who think a lot in sex and people that barely think about it. Also, asexual is just a label, lots of people with low degree of sexual attraction may find the label appropiate

It's difficult for me to imagine someone without any sexual attraction too, but there might be some people since there are millions of people in the world.

 

We have a asexual friend.
He can´t even be aroused by porn.
He has no drive at all. It is NOT HIS CHOICE.

There are asexuals for different reasons.
I can imagine that if you were sexually abused it will have an effect on you...
Or when you are transitioning between genders...
Or if there is a lack of certain hormones because of some medical condition...

It is not just "not happen to be attracted by people".
Our friend does fancy guys. He falls for some guys. He just doesn´t really get turned on.

*edit:I think it is handy when they tell you they are. No expectations is better than frustration.

 

I always thought that Asexuality was the easiest sexual orientation to understand. Why can't some people not experience sexual attraction?
You sound like someone saying they can't understand Bisexuality, and I think you'll agree that those people are idiots, yeah?

 

Hmm.

I quite like this little piece that was published on AVEN:
"Asexuality is like any other identity – at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so"

While I think describing a temporary lull in libido as akin to asexuality a bit silly, if you feel that is appropriate then go ahead . Really though, asexuality tends to be a consistently low level of sexual attraction or an absence of sexual attraction, not temporary dips. Everyone has lulls in their libido, asexuality tends to refer to a rather more long term case of low/absent sexual attraction.

Personally I view asexuality as being a term that, depending on who you ask, can be highly variable. There are individuals who genuinely feel no sexual attraction whatsoever throughout their lives, nothing will change that regardless of whether people doubt them or not. There are individuals for whom their asexual state is temporary, but they do not know that it is temporary until it has passed. There are those who are barely out of puberty who feel they must be asexual because they're not acting like a rampant rabbit. It differs for everyone and the length of time someone identifies as asexual does not detract from the fact that, for a prolonged period of time (not just a day or two throughout the week) their libido/sexual attraction/everything connected to sexual desires is absent/very low.

On top of all that you have to factor in that if a person wishes to identify as asexual, then why should anyone say otherwise? People identify with asexuality because it is what they are comfortable with, just as some identify as bisexual, homosexual, pansexual, sexual, heterosexual, homoflexible, etc. It's what people are comfortable with and what they feel is appropriate for their own state of being.

 

They don´t know what might come later, they state what they experience NOW and for this time in which they don´t feel anything, it is an accurate name.
I think the chance they will find someone they get sexual feelings for depends a lot on the reason why they are asexual.
If it is because of sexual abuse, yes, at some time they might overcome it with "the right person" .
But it is not THE OTHERS that make a person asexual, just like it is not the others that make you gay or bi, so it is not related to feelings for someone.

 

People can identify as gay, which includes meaning they are never attracted to a different sex. People can identify as straight, which includes never being attracted to their own sex. People can identify as asexual, which includes never being attracted to a different sex or their own sex.

Questioning the identity of aces like the OP has is like questioning the identity of gays or straights, wondering how they know they aren't actually bi. It's conceivable that someone who identifies as asexual may end up attracted to (a) sex(es) at some point, just as it's conceivable that someone who identifies as gay may end up attracted to a different sex at some point, but it doesn't mean asexuality doesn't exist, just as it doesn't mean homosexuality doesn't exist.

As Boyfriend said, some or many asexuals do try to make themselves sexually aroused and it doesn't work, in the same way as a gay man might try to make himself sexually aroused by women and it doesn't work.

 

I feel the need to mention that where I've mentioned libido in my original post in this thread, I meant sexual attraction. I was a bit too wrapped up in my thoughts. My brain, it is not so good eh. So to clarify my above post .


Asexuality is as diverse as bisexuality, once you stop taking the term at face value.

• Some asexuals have a libido, but no sexual attraction for people. Nothing. Like having no sexual attraction for men, or women, or anyone. Nothing. Not a pip. Not a jot. In such situations individuals may still want sexual stimulation, but they do not particularly desire that stimulation to occur with another person.
• Some experience sexual attraction, but so infrequently that it's a bit like spotting a purple spotted hare playing on the moon.
• Some experience attraction but have no desire to act on this sexually. They may enter into relationships at a later date, they may be in a relationship now, they may even be sexually involved, but their sexual involvement is not based on sexual attraction. Which I admit can be a bit mind boggling at first, but each relationship dynamic is different.
• Some do not experience attraction, yet may still enter into a relationship with a compatible partner. A non-sexual, non-romantic partner; more than a friend, but not the conventional sexual-romantic partner most people expect.

And then everything else under the sun which ultimately makes up everyone who has ever been, and continues to be, asexual.

 

I think the bold is the main difference. You KNOW there's a greater possibility of being attracted to someone outside of your period of low/absent sexual attraction than continuing to lack sexual attraction, just as an asexual KNOWS there's a greater possibility of their period of no/absent sexual attraction to continue than for it to change. You shouldn't call yourself an asexual if it does not fit, and if you are aware that you do experience sexual attraction but currently do not then that is a bit different from someone who does not experience sexual attraction and is not aware that it is possible for them to do so.

No one knows the future, and not knowing the future or considering the possibility that their current lack/absence of sexual attraction will change does not invalidate their asexuality. Time requirements do not feature in any definition of asexuality, while it is a little rushed to declare asexuality if you do not experience sexual desire for a couple of days if it is a prolonged state, where sexual attraction has not been experienced, then you're pretty certain of your asexuality. It may change, but it may not. Just as some people identify as bisexual for a limited period of time and others identify as bisexual for their entire life.

The red: I imagine this can be quite simply answered with saying that it is the same way an exclusively homosexual man knows that he is sexually attracted exclusively to men and there's a slim/zero possibility of them being sexually attracted to a woman. I guess I struggle to understand how difficult it is to understand that whether someone is asexual for a few years or a lifetime during that period of time they are asexual, experiencing no sexual attraction, and are comfortable identifying as asexual rather than homo/bi/hetero and awaiting that sexual spark.

I do wonder, at what point do you think it appropriate to identify as asexual? 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 10 years? I mean, is this not a little like the people who say to their child that their homosexuality is a phase?

Asexuality is not a restriction. It's an identity people have because they feel it describes their sexuality situation. You describe yourself as bisexual, they asexual. If you have no sexual attraction then asexuality is a way of describing this, to help explain that you are not abnormal, you're just you, and this is part of you.

 

They know just as sure as you know your facts.

You make it sound like if someone identifies as asexual has a choice. And as if they send themselves to lifelong prison and as if it is something awful you better not be.
And as if "the right person" can make a the difference.
That´s just like saying someone just needs to find a body that is not rotting too much to enjoy fucking a dead person....

Fill in bi for asexual and you will see how it doesn´t make any sense what you say about wanting to identify themselves as.

 

Surely if the brain is capable of different levels of attraction to different types of people, it's also capable of having no attraction whatsoever. Somewhere in my genome there is something that says I'm attracted to women, maybe in another person's genome there will be somethng that means sexual attraction won't happen.

 

l've wondered myself if l'm just a bisexual who hasn't been attracted to the right man. To the extent that l will probably end up calling myself bi again.

Working labels do serve some purpose to express what you're currently experiencing, though. l would wait longer, personally.

Teenage sexuality is just too fluid. But had l not experienced any form of sexual attraction, by say, 20...l might consider the label.

Also agree with the poster above me, but l do think there are some unfortunate reasons related to external circumstances one might choose to identify as asexual(that l have seen mentioned by asexuals themselves) but it happens, like with other labels within LGBT.

Anyway l just think of a true asexual feeling what l feel toward men. You do see some get into a relationships and have sex later. l lack a way of even detecting how physically attractive a man is to me, if l also lacked it for women l really wouldn't know if l was a sexual person or not.

l would probably still attempt to connect with either sex and see if the attraction developed like l did with men, but l would probably use the asexual label in the meantime.

 

My sexuality isn't real? :'( I joke, asexuals are pretty used to these claims.

Mm, I'll speak on more of a personal level so you can get a perspective, of view from somebody who does identify somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

I, personally, do not feel sexual attraction to people, and my sex drive is pretty low. It's there, but it's low. I can appreciate a good looking woman or a good looking man, but I have no desire whatsoever to get them into bed or have sexual fantasies about them. It's like a work of art. I view people in a way like a magnificent statue, and you can't have sex with a statue. It's somewhat difficult for me to explain it to somebody who is indeed sexual.. but, I lack sexual attraction. I'm attracted to people, though. I think my girlfriend is very attractive. I'm romantically and physically attracted to her, but not sexually. I'm willing to have sex with her, but I most likely wouldn't enjoy the sexual aspect.

Also, you're implying that asexuality is a choice, based on your wording. Trust me.. it's not great. I wouldn't choose this at all. I'd love to have a supposedly, "normal" appetite for sex, and feel sexually attracted to someone, but, alas, I do not. Also, I should mention that some asexuals do have sex drives, but they don't want to act on it because they initially lack the attraction part.

Oh.. and as I've said, not all asexuals.. aren't attracted to people? Again, as I aforementioned, I'm attracted to people. My girlfriend is attractive to me, I find my boss to be attractive, hell, my best friend is pretty hot. That doesn't translate to me wanting to fuck them or have fantasy or desire. Just because you identify as asexual (or grey-a, demisexual), doesn't mean you're not attracted to anyone on an emotional/physical basis.

This post sounds like shite and I've probably mentioned some very vague points, but it is 4am in the morning and I'm kind of drunk-tired.. so it's not very coherent. I'll care to elaborate once I get some coffee in my system.

 

This post is ironic on many levels. The first one being: you were asexual once. In fact we were all asexual at one point. It is the one queer orientation that everyone experiences so it is sort of amusing to think that for a species that can be aroused by having their limbs chopped off or their genitals set on fire, that it would be impossible for at least some members of the 7+ billion people on the planet to be permanently asexual. We were all children at one point. Then the switch flipped and we became horny monsters. The switch doesn't flip for everyone, and for some it flips on and flips off later in life. It's pretty obvious to me, after my interactions with the gay community, that a decent number (maybe 20%) of self-identified gay men don't experience the kind of 'strong' attractions I do, and that they're more like homoromantic asexuals than anything.

The other sense that it is ironic is that as a bisexual, one would think you'd be more sensitive to claims that someone's sexuality doesn't exist because that is definitely something you personally run into a lot. Just because you can't wrap your head around how something works doesn't mean everyone else must see things the same way. You're going to have to accept indirect evidence that some people experience things differently.

 

But when you're asexual, you can be in a relationship and all that stuff like other (hetero)sexuals.
Except it's a bit more complicated than that, as if you enter into a relationship with a sexual person they may not understand that you love them and are romantically attracted to them but do not experience sexual attraction for them. If you skip over to any of the asexuality focused websites you'll find a fair few stories of heartbreak where someone has entered into a relationship with someone without revealing their asexuality, and even those where they have. You can still be in a relationship with anyone of any sex you prefer romantically/aesthetically but the sexual element is not there. If the sexual element is not there then you really do need to tell the person you're entering into a relationship with otherwise ... well, it's a bit like entering into a romantic relationship with a woman when you're a gay man, where there is absolutely no sexual attraction whatsoever.


You see, thinking about asexuality so much, I come to the conclusion that I must have been asexual myself until the age of 18. If I had known the term asexuality back then, I'm not sure if I had used it for myself as, at that age, many things can still happen. I feel many people jump to conclusions too quickly, when it comes to sexuality. And it is hard, when you identify as something and later figure out that you were wrong.
You know, I agree with this. I do think teenagers are quick to define their sexuality, that they almost feel pressured to have a label and say "I AM THIS", all while they're still maturing, but I do not think it is necessarily the place of others to say that doing so is jumping the gun. It can be hard to acknowledge that your sexuality has changed, but really so be it.


I don't know if you read my 2 posts thoroughly... I accept asexuals. I don't tell them that they are wrong or that it isn't true what they feel.
It does sort of, kind of come across like you're kind of, sort of belittling the fact that they feel asexuality is a definition that suits them. What with all the "it could change, so what is the point?" type sentences. More like you see asexuality as a phase people enter while waiting for "the one" to introduce sexual attraction into their life, much as some believe bisexuality is a transitional phase until they settle on a same/opposite sex partner.

 

That is basically what you are saying in this paragraph right here:

It's also the way you titled the thread. If you had titled the thread "Asexuals, explain how it works", or "Asexuals, what is it like to actually be Asexual" or something like that, I think then you could make a credible claim that your intention was to learn something but the language you chose makes it look like you just wanted to put someone down and say they're lying about their orientation.

 

It's not so much about labeling yourself as to be clear to others to not have hope for sex.
If that changes, while you are in a relationship, it is between you and your partner and if it changes while you are single, it doesn't matter you had another label before. People accept changes like that.

It is stupid to not accept something because you labeled yourself something. Besides, the chance that it changes is really slight in an adult, you don't seem to be willing to accept that.

There are plenty of people that start out straight and turn out gay or bi later in life. There is no problem in changing the label at any point!

There is no "wrong". Everything is experience and growth. It's not like one has to stick to what one thought in their early teens or something!
(That's what my mom told me.)

I knew I was gay since I was like 11. I am involved with a guy now. But, if later in my life (I am 18 now) I fall for a woman, I might only then find out, and have to accept, that I am bi and just ajust the label. Same goes for any other discovery. I don't see why you make such a big deal about that.