Coming out to Wife

Man, that is a tough statement. It got me thinking...

I don't have to use my right hand even though I am right handed. I do not have to eat food I enjoy, plenty of things I don't care for. I don't need to feel safe and warm. I don't have to do what comes naturally to me.

When you start extrapolating that statement it gets really tough.

 

As a wife who thinks he husband might be bi, but NOT ready to admit it to himself yet (as per my husband and my most recent conversation)....Good Job on telling her!! It may be hard on her, and you and alot to go through, but it is wayyyy better to for one get it off your chest, and two the sooner she finds out the sooner she can start to heal. I would suggest sending her to this site if she is at all open to comunication with you. I've looked at and asked questions on a couple other sites, but there seems to be to much hatred towards 'the gay' spouse....I don't want to hate him, he has always been there for me. Plus we created two beautiful children together that I wouldn't of had if it wasn't for our time together, how can I hate that!
The second site I'd recomend is "straight spouse network" though there are some not understanding individuals to your side of the 'story' it does feel good to know there are others out there going through the same thoughts, feelings, emothions, and situations!

 

GuestNMN, you are really mature, and an understanding wife. It is too bad that sending a wife to this site to get a better picture of reality is often not going to work out.

You are one of compassion and love. The gay or bi married husband (or wife) so often hurts and feel guilt for just being who they are if they dare admit it.

Thanks for coming in and expressing your point of view.

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2013 at 11:30 AM ----------

Some men do not have do have much sex at all. I am single and able to go out with whom I want, but will often not hunt for sex.

 

Of course you still Love her, you spent a good deal of your life together, you have had both good times and bad times together!

She is probably feeling like the whole time it was a fake or lie though, also she is probably feeling like you wasted her life away(not trying to make you feel bad, just give you a point of view) or she gave you the best years of her life. If only there was a card that told her how beautiful she is, and that any straight guy would be lucky to have her....but she's probably not ready for a card like that! I do hope your wife is finding the support she needs with others that might be in a simular situation!

Who knows maybe she'd enjoy two guys pleasing her and eachother(&&&)...okay so maybe girls like that are few and far between!

 

Consider seeking counseling. My company offers free sessions and I think some health insurance plans offer mental health services that could help you to assess things. Your wife may also want someone to talk to someone. Coming out of the closet when you're married is a difficult road. I'm on it right now. You need someone you can talk to and help you with your new reality. Best wishes.

 

another thanks for your point of view, no wonder some guys never want to be honest, they thought they were doing the right thing, society says get a job, find a girl friend get married and then find a house with a white picket fence, but it doesn't always work that way. One reason this website exists there is so many shades if grey it is never black and white.

WRHLA asks the kind of questions I would ask but always afraid to say, what kind of dogs.

 

The way I see it is if you are bi, and happily married with her, then what's the point of even telling her. You're with her, not anybody else, and plus you're not going to cheat on her. Therefore it doesn't matter if you're bi or straight. But then again when two people are in a relationship, they should not lie to eachother. She asked you if you were bi, and lied to her and told her no, only because you were afraid of what her reaction would be when you told her. I'm not trying to sound rude, I'm just giving you my input.

 

Doglover,

You did the right thing by telling your wife about having sexual feelings for men. I deceived my wife for the last 23 years and now my sense of guilt is extreme and she is feeling betrayed, not because I'm gay but because I've known for a long time and didnt tell her. I just wanted the happy family to stay together in the little red house in the suburbs. Lies just don't work for the long run at all. I also want to say that clearly you're conflicted and confused about your feelings and need to understand yourself better with this to know what you want. I managed a sex life with my wife, somehow, but mentally I was always somewhere else and with a guy. I also don't necessarily think its all about who you want to have sex with. I love my wife but was never in love with her. I love her like a really good friend. I've fallen in love with men, when I was younger, and the feeling is different. The emotional tone is not the same. I don't know if you have kids or what your circumstances are, but you will need to be honest. If you guys split up, do you take the dog? We're planning to split and I haven't broached the subject yet but Max (my dog, and best friend) is coming with me.

 

WOW. That explains a lot. That sounds like me EXACTLY.