Crazy mixed signals from bisexual crush

You know what though, it wouldn't bother me nearly as much if he was honest about it. I've made it very clear I value honesty and trust in my friendships, and that I respect his feelings. I frequently encourage him to be upfront with me, and we have been. The thing is, for whatever reason, he seems to try and push me away, despite the fact I haven't been pushing him at all. It's just been friendly talk since the letter (and our discussion), we've been at ease with each other. Then yesterday he evens asks me to come over sometime (he literally stated "Wanna hang out after Christmas?", and I didn't even go like "OMG LETS DO IT TOMMOROW", I said sure we should, that I'd check my schedule. So I check it, come back and suggest a day about 3 days from then, to which he said he'd check with his mom. Never heard back. From that moment forward, he's been super avoidant, not saying hello, doing the whole "Away" thing. I have no idea why this is happening.

At this point, I've stopped being hurt by it, it just irritates me. Still, it just doesn't seem like him to be manipulative, and when I was vulnerable when I told him all about my feelings, he was unimaginatively kind and respectful of them. We agreed to be friends (and I assured him that I understood 100% that we were just friends and wouldn't try to push things), and things seemed to be going well.

As for how long I'm going to "deal" with this, well, I don't really need to set a date, since it's not a big deal to me. I'm frustrated by it, but every time this happens I just care less, and less, and less. I guess what will be the final straw for me is if he tries to get out of hanging out, when he was the one who suggested. That would be a major douche move, to tell someone "Want to hang out?" and then back out of it once they seem interested. Again, I like him a lot, and I don't think he does these things on purpose, but at the same time I deserve some measure of respect in our friendship. I could tolerate all of this if he would just be upfront with me, respected my feelings too, but he usually doesn't. The letter was an example of how sensitive he can be, but often he just seems completely out of tune with other peoples feelings, like it doesn't occur to him that his actions affect other people.

He does that with everyone, not just me, at least as far as I can tell. Whenever I've been over, someone might send him a message, and he just doesn't reply. I say "You can answer that if you want, I need to use the bathroom anyways", and he doesn't. Even people that he talks with regularly. I can understand if they're being annoying, but it just seems to be a frequent mood for him. And when it comes to us, I don't spam. If I say "Hi" and he replies in one word, or takes 3 minutes to reply, I don't keep sending him messages. I can take a hint. So there doesn't seem to be any justification to be like that.

 

Ok update again:

Things are good. I casually mentioned a date we could hang out, and he seemed happy to do it then. No sign of reluctance. I still don't know what was up yesterday, it could have been just a fluke that he didn't notice I said hi, it might not have been. I dunno. I'm making a lot of progress transitioning my feelings into friendship, I'm starting to look forward to the future again. I still hope that someday he might change, that we might be closer, but I'm feeling less and less like I need to be with him, starting to think about pursuing my hobbies again. I really hope being friends works out, since I really have a great time hanging out, we make each other laugh a lot .

 

I know it sounds like that, and maybe it is douchebaggy to act that way. However, I know him well, and I know the hardships he's been through. It's hard to understand without knowing the details, but he's been rejected or abandoned by just about everyone close to him at some point in his life. He's grown used to people not caring about his feelings, so that makes forming relationships hard for him; though things are looking up for him right now, there's still scars from those hardships.

It was hard dealing with his ups and downs when I had hopes for something more, but if we're just friends, I can definitely stick it out. The hard part was that I was so confused by his actions, and also that I yearned for something more. Now knowing what we both feel, and what to expect from the relationship, it's much easier to tolerate. I enjoy the time we spend together, and I'll always love him for who he is, but I can accept we're just going to be friends, and move on. Despite how hard this was, he's had a big impact on who I am, for the better. So in the end, it was worth it .

 

I just wanted to post back to give everyone who followed this thread an update. It's been about a month since I told him my feelings for him (and learned that he feels more like a good friend). Things are still really good, so it's definitely worked out. We're still great friends, hanging out and doing shit together, my feelings haven't come between that. He's handled it really well, I couldn't ask for a better friend ^_^

I just hope that anyone else who's faced with a similar situation will be inspired by my "saga", and that it'll help them get the courage to talk about it. If your crush/friend is really worth it, and you're not pushy, everything should be fine, no matter what their answer is. I know my friend proved himself to be more than worth my feelings, and I suspect that in most cases you'll find the same .

 

Another update just to semi-conclude this story. After months, I've finally discovered the final piece of the puzzle to this crazy relationship. The reason things had been so strange and unexplainable is that he was in love/falling in love with another person, a girl, the entire time I've known him (until fairly recently). In fact, he likely had feelings for her since before we had even met, or at the very least they would have been growing around the time we met at school. I'm not going to bother with the details, both for his privacy and because they are irrelevant. The only important thing is that the girl is someone he met online and got to know at various group hangouts. I never knew of her until recently.

We've been growing closer over the last month or so, and we plan to possibly share a place when we move out, though I am well aware that it's two friends sharing a place, nothing more. Still, I know we're definitely very close friends, as we've been talking about various personal things more and more lately. One of which this story is, he told me a few days ago. We were talking and eventually some bit of drama he had mentioned vaguely months ago came up (at the time, he refused to tell me anything, though I guessed accurately what it involved). This time, he told me about what happened. Essentially, he and this girl had finally professed feelings for each other prior to one of those group hangouts, and at it, were essentially partners for the first time. Apparently they kissed, and though I didn't ask for more details, I'm sure they did more than that. Now, I wasn't exactly caught by surprise learning about this relationship, as I had suspected he had feelings for someone else for a while before learning of this. Anyways, he went on to explain that the day after being openly partners for the first time, he suddenly realized he didn't love her. So he broke up with her, though he's felt guilty ever since for leading her on.

I know what it feels like to be in that position, as I've had crushes and dated girls before. Each relationship never really left the crush stage though, I didn't "love" them. So I'd always end up backing out of it before we got close. I would say he's the first person I've loved, flaws and all, but I'm not going to start ranting about that.

Anyways, so this finally explains everything. He's said himself that he feels like he jumped on to this relationship with her because he felt needy, which is understandable considering his past. That fact explains the strange nature to our relationship; when things were going well with her, obviously he'd be more distant with me. When things weren't going so well, he'd fall back onto me for that feeling of closeness. It's not that he "used" me, for he never lied to me for his own gain, or pretended to have feelings that he didn't, it's just that he'd be more close to me when things were difficult with her.

I don't really know how I feel right now. I'm not really hurt by the fact he was in love with someone else, especially since it had obviously started before I met him. There's nothing I could have done differently that could have changed things, for he was already in love. I'm not really angry either, with her or him. I actually have been acquainted with her for a week or two now, without knowing how close they had been. She didn't "steal" him from me or anything, ironically, had he actually ended up falling for me, I would have been the one stealing him from her.

I'm a little sad, but I know I'll feel better. I was prepared for this, it really didn't shock me. The thing is, their relationship has been over for about a month now, so maybe, in the future, we'll be together. We're very close, though now I just assume such closeness is friendship, since that I can be sure of. I love him, but finally understanding our relationship has given me closure. It makes sense to me now, all of it. I'm going to continue being his friend, and I'm still entirely open to being more than that, but at the same time, I'm ready to begin moving on if he never makes any attempt to become closer. By moving on, I don't mean leaving him behind or anything, I hope that no matter what, we'll be friends. What I mean is that I feel ready to be open to other possible relationships. I'm not looking for them, but I think I'm open to meeting another special person who makes me feel like he does, another person who I could be happy with. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that despite the pain I've felt and the disappointment, our friendship, and my feelings for him have been special things. I'm a different person now, I have drive and motivation and passion, I feel alive finally. So in a way, it is a happy ending.

 

Could this be moved to the Relationships sub-forum, it has nothing to do with coming out.

 

Just want to return for a (perhaps?) final followup: It's been a while since I was crushing on this guy. He'll always be a cute person, but I've come to realize a lot about him that has moved me to decide I could never be happy with him. But better news still, I now have a boyfriend! I met him online after 4 failed attempts at relationships from online dating, and we really hit it off right away. A real emotional connection. And I think he's fabulously cute . We've been seeing each other for a few months, and everything's still going great. No fights, no tension, it's still dreamy! I still sometimes think whimsically about my first real passion for a person, but I've come to accept that part of why I put him on such a pedestal was because my first real crush. What I feel for my boyfriend is a bit less passionate, but more fulfilling love (we haven't dropped the L-word yet, but I'm going to soon ^^). He makes me happy; he just radiates happiness. Although I was passionate for my crush, it became really hollow. Like a craving that could never truly be fulfilled.

So I'm on the road to happiness people! Going to college in the fall, it's going to be great. I just wanted everyone to see that even when you feel like there is no one else but your crush in the world, you'll find someone eventually .

NOTE: Could a mod move this to the "Relationships" sub-forum? This was from before the forum changes, and wasn't a coming-out story at all.