October 26 told my wife I'm gay

I think she needs to know everything. It's good you told her, before things could get deeper, but she is a human being that also needs to get HER life on with. You have reasons for struggling with what you have been dealing with, but in this case I think her feeling are much more important than yours. Make sure she is alright, support her, do what SHE wants.

You have strung this poor woman along and she deserves to get life back on track. So do you, but now that you are dealing with your problems, you should wait to deal with hers first. Get her back on her feet, than do you stuff. It is good you have kept clean and have been responsible about hook ups, it is also good that you told her, and you aren't a bad person for doing what you did, based on your age, and the time you grew up I can't say for myself that I wouldn't have done the same thing because I am deeply closeted.

But take it from the generation that never really thinks to get married when they are really homosexual, that you owe it to your wife to give her everything she wants. Her life has basically been partially ruined; though you did give her children which I can say she WILL ALWAYS BE GREATFUL FOR and that you are lucky to be a homosexual and have legit kids, I applaud you for doing that. Kids are the only reason we are alive, and you have accomplished that, and your wife has too, so it is not all bad. Just understand you were in the wrong, for doing what you did, but that doesn't make you a bad person because your circumstances are not unique, and plenty of men your age did this. My aunt and my uncle both were gay, and both got married, and both had kids, and both came out later in life. SO YOU ARE NOT ALONE EITHER, if I have two people in my family that have done this I can't imagine the amount of homosexuals that are STILL married and STILL stringing their wives and children along. So you are a very brave, and very good person for doing what you did, it had to be done, and sooner is better than later. So congrats, just be there for your wife.

Focus on the positive this will bring, how necessary this is and you should be alright. I am being legit about your wife though, she could suffer depression....etc from this, so make sure she is alright, let her know she can still find a real husband. This would be scary for a middle aged woman to deal with, finding another MAN, on TOP of having kids. My mom is currently doing this and is not having a fun time doing so.

 

Obviously she is very angry with you and is in the phase of retaliation. Put the brakes on and just let it run it's course for awhile. She deserves the time to process all this news. It has totally rocked her world. Baby steps at this point. You may want this ball to keep rolling but it may not be time.

---------- Post added 5th Nov 2012 at 02:53 PM ----------

With all due respect WooEEE there is a huge difference between what you have experienced and what we have experienced. You can never know the repression that we knew growing up in a time where homosexuality was completely unacceptable. To tell her EVERYTHING is only going to make things a lot worse than it already is. I am so happy for you growing up today instead of 30 years ago. It is a completely different world. You are lucky.

 

I acknowledged that fact if you read my blurb entirely. I even went as far to say that I even would have done the same if I had grown up 30 years ago.

I was giving a perspective of someone who doesn't have that warped of a view on the whole thing. That is someone who isn't thinking of the gay person here, but the innocent heterosexual who thought she had a legit heterosexual husband, she deserves more that's all, and I know that is hard for people from that time to see, because again my Uncle and Aunt did the same thing, and really felt bad for themselves more than they did their spouses they abused and betrayed. I never understood that.

I also grew up in Rural Ontario, which is the equivalent of 30 years ago in Urban settings. So don't dismiss my views because I am young. I can't be gay in this town, if I was out in highschool I would've either been beaten on everyday or committed suicide. I still am not out. People here don't accept it. My teachers spewed anti-gay speech sometimes, saying the ones with aids should be put on an island. Did you grow up during a time when "gay" and "fagget" and "cocksucker" and "butt pirate" and "homo" are the most common insults used? No you didn't. Try going to middle school now, EVERYTHING IS "gay" "that is gay" "your gay" "your a fag" "no homo". Suicide rates are still high in rural ontario, just as high as they were in 70's I think they're even worse actually, and guess what the majority are gays. So just because there is gay marriage and Toronto, doesn't mean that I don't know what it's like.

I also said he was perfectly right in what he did because of his circumstances, and that he is a good person for coming clean, and that I can't imagine how many people HAVEN'T and WILL NEVER come clean about this. He is a good person, so are you, you did nothing wrong. I am sorry if that came across like that.

 

It sounds like you're doing everything the right way! Congratulations! I know it can be very frustrating, but I'm sure your wife is feeling like she's drowning right now and the reaction to keep from that is to swim as hard as she can, fighting for the air she has always known.

Keep remembering that you've had a long time to process who and what you are, and it's all new to her. She's on the first steps of a new journey and you're a mile down a different road. You'll both get where you need to go, but it will take time.

Over the past year, since I came out to her, I have seen my ex change from a devastated, angry person to a self-confident, strong woman who is moving into a new authentic life of her own - as am I. I have spent many, many moments as deep in depression as I can imagine. But right now, I'm happier than I've been in probably 30 years and so, I think, is she!

So hang in there, Allen! Keep taking the right steps, it's the best way to get you both where you deserve to be! And if you're lucky, you'll reach a peace in your relationship with her - together or apart.

(*hug*)

55

 

Allen, I have not come out to my GF in my relationship.

However, my former wife's father is gay and has had a dual life with his wife/other men for many decades. Its a terrible tight rope and its taken a toll on the family. It IS the family secret that everyone knows but no one talks with Mom about.

Having been cheated on in my marriage, please please don't tell your wife any details. There will be plenty she suspects already as she looks back on things. Details will be so hurtful.

That you've told her so much truth about yourself -- she will find that liberating, as she realizes what's been happening between the two of you over the years.

She has to be responsible for herself -- let her and her counselor work on that. I'll be blunt -- give her distance, and you need to be taking care of yourself, not taking care of her.

About your showering together -- you need to have physical distance from her, don't sleep in the same room with her -- at least a different bedroom or the sofa even. Its just not healthy for you or her right now to be sleeping in the same bed or taking showers together -- that's just pretending.

And that will only make it all so much harder.

Have you talked to a divorce lawyer yet? I suggest you do, I think it will set your mind at ease about your children and your parental rights.

All the best, Pete

 

Allen,.

I don't have time for a long reply right now, but I appreciate you asking JimL and me for advice. I'll try to get back online tomorrow. I'll also see if JimL knows you posted.

55

 

Hi Allen,

I know others will disagree with it but, I fully agree with your councillor, full disclosure will do more harm than good. You have come out to her....and that is a really good thing. She is in denial and that will take some time to change. Baby steps are good. There is no reason to jump into anything too fast. Telling her all the details of the past will acomplish nothing.

BTW, I asked the same question to my councellor and got the same answer.....it will do more harm than good.

Good luck

 

Allen,

I'm on the fence regarding full disclosure. Personally, I don't think any good would be served by telling all. My counselor, a woman, told me that my ex deserved answers to all her questions and that knowing the details would help her deal and move on. My ex still feels that if there's anything I haven't shared, I should.

I told her about my sexual indiscretions during our marriage. She know most things about what I did, where, and how often. But there are some things I have kept to myself because they would just compound the pain - things I won't get specific about here because, although I don't think she knows the name of this site, or my user name, it's possible that she does and is looking here for the things I won't say to her.

Unfortunately, my children also now know many of the same details. And although they accept my orientation, they are still struggling with the health risk I posed to both their parents. That's justiifed, but if they never knew the details, they might never have gone through the emotional turmoil associated with it. What good has come from it? I'm still the same dad they always had and my sexuality never interfered with my interactions or love for them. Of course, the double life I lead, may have interfered and as a result I wasn't the father they deserved, but the details of my sexual exploits aren't connected to that - or at least I don't feel they should have been.

I don't know if this answer is helpful or not, Allen. I guess I would follow the advice of your counselor. At least then you'll be able to say you're keeping the details private based on you counselor's advice.

I think that at some point your wife will stop looking through the rose-colored glasses of reconciliation (the denial part of grief) and move into the other stages. Be ready for them because it'll be a bumpy road.

All the best,

55

 

I can pray for your family.

If you are married with kids it is a very different situation than single...I mean in us marriages usually start with a vow of "forsaking ALL others"...all included all men, right?

So that is why I take marriages very seriously and never would have any relations with a married woman. I have been seriously hit on by someone who is, and is Christian to boot.

Lies are a bad thing, I am so happy you told her everything. It does destroy the trust, and it can't ever be the same again. I wish every married person...anybody thinking of marriage...would see this and how much it means to be truthful always.

she evidently thinks sexual activity is vital to her life. many men and women do. not every spouse thinks sex is all a marriage is about however, there are all the other things like raising the kids and building a working household and being fun friends. How she can expect a gay man to want sex with her as a woman is beyond me...but must be because you did a good job at it?

I guess time will tell. Def give it a bit of time to all sink in and really think about your futures, including how it affects kids.

 

Back when you first made this thread, I was deeply ashamed of the advice people were giving you: keep cheating, keep lying, and never tell your wife the truth. It would have been very selfish for you to keep going as things were. I'm glad that you were honest with your wife. She deserved to know and decide for herself what she wants to do. You did the right thing telling her and I hope she realizes that.

Are you okay with starting to have sex with her again? Isn't that giving her false hope that you can be turned straight? That everything will go back to the way it used to be? More dishonesty really isn't the way through this. Now that she knows you're gay, you need to continue to be honest with her.

 

Hi Allen,

I'm a bit further behind you. I'm a lesbian, with children, and I recently (like two days ago) told my husband that I am really only attracted to women.

It was one of the hardest things I ever did. He's still in the 'shock' stage. We have a good marriage, but I don't know what will happen next.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone I guess.

All the best.

 

Hi,

My experience...

Married (albeit i am gay) almost 21 years. Two children nearing adulthood. I have been faithful to my wife, no sex outside our marriage. No porn until a few months ago. Marriage is stable no fighting, harmony.

After 13 years I gave up on sex with her making excuses for myself. She has no clue i am gay. Heterosexual sex was just "work", may as well have been an unwanted gym membership. So now 21 years no gay sex, 7 years no straight sex...

The otherwise perfect relationship is not enough without the sexual component. I have to rectify if I want personal happiness.

Your mileage may vary.

Stuck

 

Allen, for both yours and your wife's sanity, now is the time to get as much individual support as you can. Your wife needs lots more than you can possibly give her, and quite frankly coming from you wouldn't be healthy for her. And you, my friend, need to think carefully about what will make you happy in a year, 5 years, and 10 years from now.

When I went through this with my ex wife (ok, well, I was cheated on), the absolutely best advice I got was "now is not your time to be strong" -- in other words, lean on your friends, get a counselor, find an lgbt community.

I wish you healing, peace, and self acceptance.

Peace Pete

 

Ok, so there (bolded) is your answer to where it is all going. As bad as it sounds, and not a happy ending, it looks like the end could be coming, and not a new beginning.