What Are You Thinking?

Everyone is acting so shady tonight. Love is mysteriously crying over boys for the first time, ever. Refused to talk to me about it so I know it's bad. I felt so dumb and so bad for leaving her right in the middle of Wine of the Week, but I told her I loved her and we made plans for tomorrow and I felt like she just wanted to be alone anyway. When really strong people like her get shaken like that I don't know how to act. Plus, my mentor is going to be pissed because I'm officially running between him and Love now, because they're fighting and refuse to see each other, and I totally made things way worse by being way too honest over Mexican food with Love tonight, she totally flew off the handle over something that I thought she already knew but didn't. My sister can't even talk to me on the phone without dashing off for the dumbest reasons ever. Ugh. Seriously people? Seriously?

At this rate I'm going to be texting my ex just so I have some freaking company. It might be the wine talking right now but I kinda want to just throw all of my values out the window and just be a total zombie for the next year. It's not like it's going to get any better than this anyway, so why not just be a total slave for him. He can drive me around in his nice ass car and wine and dine me and I'll totally be his little trophy boy for the next year and then we can just go our separate ways after graduation. That's the only reason he's texting me anyway. I know it is. I hate his guts but he's a guaranteed good time and if I meet someone else on the ride, which I definitely will, then so what? Right?

 

Friendships... Things that hold together much better than any sort of relationship. I'll admit, I'm pretty jealous.

 

EC can be really annoying.

 

That is awesome!! I would love to have a chance to meet him.

 

wondering whether i should play skyrim or oblivion. or do my homework. one of the three xD

 

I love politics so this is extremely exciting. Just gotta think of some questions to ask.

 

Woke up at 5:17am. WHY?:tears:
I just knowI will go through the day feeling like a zombie. Also (must be sleep) woke up rather pessimistic and down. Bah!:bang:

 

I finally found a topic and 5 sources for my paper. My night is a success.

 

Ugh, was going to post in the thread about suicide prevention, until I realized that my response to it was mostly just venting about my situation right now.

Just going to say this ahead of time that I am NOT considering suicide.

But I am facing a pretty tough situation at work though. My manager has been out for the past month so the balance of her work (basically all of it) has fallen on me to do. And I'm doing long hours these days. We're talking 20+ hours of overtime every week. There is some in-fighting between 2 of my staff and I attempted to mediate a discussion between them last week. It didn't end the way I wanted it to. So now working with my staff can be emotionally taxing since the 2 of them now hate each other and me. I'm feeling under-appreciated by everybody above me and below me in the ladder, even as I haul ass every single day to get the jobs of 2 group home supervisors (my own and my manager's) done.

And despite all that, I still don't make enough money to live out on my own. Because of my huge college loan. And now my car is beginning to act up. Just spent hundreds of dollars to fix the problems today. Spent some time mourning the loss of all that overtime I did. If I didn't do careful planning, I would be going in 7 days a week with not a single day off. Today was that day off. And I spent 5 hours of it sitting around at the car dealer. Not a huge improvement from actually just going to work. So it may have been a day off, but I don't feel well-rested at all.

Like I said, I'm not considering suicide. But there are some moments where I look at my situation and think to myself how easy it would be to just give up. But I don't explore the idea further because I remind myself that I don't have it as bad as other people...which is actually kind of depressing in a way.

 

I get to sing at a bunch of stuff this weekend <3

I have the national anthem Saturday, and a singing competition on Sunday and Monday.

 

I think that it's time for bed.. considering that I keep reading things wrong.

 

My best friend and I are cosplaying this weekend as Dipper and Mabel from Gravity Falls

 

I'm going to Halloween as Dipper! Don't have anyone to go as Mabel though I don't even think anyone will get it...

 

My step-father can now add "racist asshole" to his douchebag résumé. Shall I elaborate?

Last night a friend of my sister's came over for dinner. I made roast beef and mashed potatoes (I fought for a vegetable, but was denied... ) and homemade gravy. I also made apple crisp for dessert. Anywho, this friend had just gotten home from serving in the army. He's been away from home since graduation two years ago. It's bad enough we have to keep him home from the bar long enough to not have him wasted and wearing a lampshade every time company comes, but now we have to give him a complete dossier on everyone that walks into the house that he rents? I don't think so. And my mother only makes it worse. I handled everything but taking care of dirtbag (for those new to the game, that's what I call my step-father, dirtbag).

As if race even freaking matters anymore. It's 20-fucking-12! Sheesh.

But Corey (our guest) loved dinner. Even if my gravy was too salty and the meat a bit tough. But I'm counting it as a victory.

Oh! And happy 300 pages What Are You Thinking.

 

Tumblr being down is worse than I thought it would be.
Mostly because it has been 6 hours and I thought it would take much less time than that.

 

"Young and bright
But now just a dim light
Off in the distance
A falling stone
Following the path
Of least resistance

If I still fight, it's just that I'm
Afraid I'll slide under that spell again

Taken for a fool
Yes, I was because I was a fool
Tell me what you'd do
I lost my way and he took me to school

So many times
Caught up in my head at night
With a leash and a label
If I can learn
Anything from this, then I'd be like
The fox in the fable

If I still fight, it's just that I'm
Afraid I'll slide under that spell again

The way we used to carry on
Is stuck in my head like a terrible song

Taken for a fool
Yes I was, and I was a fool
Following their rules
Guess I was a very honest tool

Taken for a fool
Yes I was, because I was a fool"

It's kinda ridiculous how accurate this feels right now.

 

Haven't started my essay, beause idk what to write T.T

 

So that one fantasy I posted? Yeah... It happened in a dream...

Too bad it wasn't real life.

 

im thinking maybe i was too mean to him but then again i still think i wasnt mean enough

 

i'm so glad it's back up that was hell oh my god