I’d feel like I don’t need to hide anything from them anymore. Being truly myself. But is that worth the risk ? Still struggling with that one …
Thanks ! Good to get another perspective as well. The thought of maybe one of the kids also struggling with their identity has crossed my mind, and I’d want to avoid them to struggle as much and as long as I have for sure. The other day I had a conversation with one of my daughter about sexuality and how that works these days among young adults. Great talk and when I talked about bisexuality and it being a scale that was something she hadn’t thought about like that before. It would have been the ideal moment to come out to her if she had been my only child. The kids are close so I don’t want to do it kid per kid as that would mean they need to keep the secret from their siblings until I have talked to them all. Don’t want to put them through that and I do want to be the one from whom they learn about it. So that then means finding an opportunity to get all 3 together and broach the subject. And do I do it with my wife or without ? and when I asked my wife about it she’s more in favor of not telling them. Aaargghhh this is not simple …
No, definitely not "simple," or easy. Btw, i have been through this. i came out to my adult sons and i too had a wife that didn't want me to tell them. Beyond that, my story is different than yours in many ways. Strong religious underpinnings and a wife who rejected me as "sick and sinful" and "needing to repent," So, my situation is different, with some similarities. Heteronormative is the presumed default setting. We don't discuss it directly with our kids and, as a result, it becomes assumed. How many of us go through life conforming to or allowing that assumption about us and remaining unseen and unknown? To me, the bigger question is not whether to tell your kids, but how you do it if you do. For instance, one thing you can help circumvent is how they might feel a sense of betrayal, or having been lied tom or just a sense of loss (tied to security i think). They may have a sense that the person they thought they knew is gone. There can be a sort of grieving. i think a lot of that can be overcome by helping them understand why you hid that part of you in the first place, how in a real sense you were hiding from yourself as well. But it's only a part of you, and all the other parts they know are still there and real. If you come out, and your wife is part of that, i think it's important to understand why she doesn't want you to tell them, to peel back the layers and not just accept a cursory answer to that question.
That was what I was getting at when I asked if your kids were all straight. If one of them wasn’t, that’d be an extra reason to come out. For mutual support. If they’re all cis & straight, it’s more of a thing you choose to do for yourself rather than for them. But, they are adults after all. I guess at some point people transition from a parent-child relationship to a friends & equals relationship?
Thanks. Yes the relationship with your kids does evolve, but you stay their parent and will worry about their well being for the rest of your live.
Hey IMBprd, apologies for the delay. I had meant to reply to this, and perhaps I thought I had. Thanks for opening my eyes to tantra massages. I had no idea that something like that was a thing. Now, I only know based, on the sites that were queried based on my search. But... wow. So, and in the spirit of the forum, if you can explain "it" to me in PG13 terms. I might need to go for a massage. Now, I do also enjoy floating, but a massage, could be interesting. Especially since, because of some spine issues, my wife often encourages me to go get massages. I'm glad you were able to have the conversation with your wife. There was a time, when I was 17 or 18, (i think i was 18, and she was 17), that we were out and about, driving around and talking (that's what we did), or sometimes parked and talked. But I told her that, prior to getting married, I wanted to get involved with some guys to see learn about me. I had a grand plan of joining the military, moving away from my Dad's hosue, and discovering me. But... things didn't pan out that way and so we decided to move out together. (she was 18 when we moved out) though still in school. Her homelife was... less-than-ideal, and in a certain respect my was too and so it made logical sense. But as we got closer to the move out the date, I think we both felt feelings for each other. Now it wouldn't be until years later that I learned that her and her female friends fancied me since I was like 16. I did make the mistake of messing around with one of them, which, when it started, I knew was a mistake. But... eventually she forgave me. But as we got closer to moving out, I started to wonder if a "roommate" situation was what I wanted. And she also apparently felt the same, and so we got together. Though, according to my parents, we were "together for a while" before that. But I'll never forget one time we were having a convo about the conversation we previously had. And... like the coward that I can be, I told her something to the effect, that was a test to see if I could trust you with secrets. And so... we've never discussed it. Now there have two occasions where she's quasi-accused me of being gay or having inappropriate (unfounded) friendships with some friends. And, well, i called her out on that. Because, well, I was in the right. I never did anything. Not from a lack of a desire, but because I valued fidelity. But I would be lying if I said those encounters create a certain trepidation in having a more forthright conversation. Learning about the Kinsey Scale, which I know has since been revised, i'm probably 60/40 homo/hetero. And I know i've been attracted to dudes since like... 5th grade. Well before adolescence. But It wasn't something that would have been okay, because of my family, and because of where I lived. Now, I have to be honest. You're use of the phrase, "intimate sex." Seems like a.... qualified statement. Am I reading into it, or... what do you mean by that?
