Questioning sexuality

Hello,

I am a 23yo male, I am having a bad period due to breakup with my ex-gf and all of sudden last month I start wondering if I was gay. I read a lot of topics here and now I would like to get an advice.
I am turned on by girls, this is obvious to me since I can get hard by only thinking about girl or get aroused if I am near a girl I like. But I still question myself if I like guys too. So, I don't get hard by only thinking about guys. I tried several times, I searched "hot guys" on google, I tried to imagine naked guys, I tried to imagine same-sex fantasies but I can't get it up without touching, with girls it's different: I get aroused very quickly without touching myself. But I am still not convinced, I don't know why. Sometimes I feel sure I am straight, then the question just pop up in my mind and I need to test myself to know the answer, it's been like this for a month.
Today I tried to fantasize about men and touching myself too, it took like an hour to finish because or I switch to girls unconsciously or I lose erection and need to start again. Anyway I finished, so I am wondering if this can tell if I do like guys too. But it means nothing, since it took literally a month to find a fanatsy that made my finish in an hour? I was wondering if it's this way because I never really thought about guys? Like maybe now I am getting used to them? But still, I don't feel the same pulsions, with a girl everything it's fast and more natural, I know what to do, while with guys it feel fake, like I think I got hard but I just got semi-hard, I don't know really what to do so I just try to imagine what I would do with a girl(positions etc), but it's for sure more weak. I will try another test tomorrow or in the next days to see if the fact I finished thinking on a male-fantasy actually opened a door in my mind or not. Are there any other question I can ask myself to clear the picture?

Thanks for your time, please forgive any error since english it's not my mothertongue.

 

Hi,

thanks for the answer. I don't know the answer to your question. Sometimes I feel sure about my orientation, I look backward to the tests/questioning and think "wtf I was thinking, that's absurd" then some time passes and it all starts over again. I doubt my opinion at such a level that I don't trust my answer on "Do I like guys too?". If I answer no I think I am in denial, If I answer yes it doesn't fit the data(=me not get aroused by men, or need to touch myself to get hard if i fantasize about men) but that could be I may be suppressing my arousal(?). Pls give me a new brain.

Hi chip,

I read your answers, I learned a lot from them. You're doing a great job .
I started therapy, the breakup had a huge impact on my life... Therapist said I do have an obsessive trend but she haven't diagnosed me nothing at the moment. I am working on it with her but it's so hard. I accepted the fact I may be bisexual or gay or whatever in the spectrum, I just want to get back to my life. I feel so lonely and miserable.

Thanks for the answer.

 

I spent this morning testing myself. I tried fantasizing about guys and as usual I didn't get hard immediately, I've had some sparks of erection/arousal but it went away quickly as soon as I continued to be in the fantasy. I tried with girl and it's way more easy to do, I don't fell it's numb or just stimulated by my hand, it actually works by itself.
I think that with the facts that I don't know how to answer to the question of QuietPace and that I have never viewed a guy in a sexual way in my past just means I have zero to little attraction to guys... so Kinsey 1 at most.

Thanks for the answers. If something changes I will update the thread.

 

I tested myself during this week, I tried to fantasize about guys and honestly I don't have an arousal strong as for the opposite sex. I can get at most semi-hard in like 30 minutes. But tonight I was reporting the results to myself and I was saying "I must accept the fact that I am " and said "gay" while a I wanted to say "straight" lol. Anyway this made me think about freudian slilps and the fact that they usually reveal the true self. This made me question myself again, and I am wondering: can one suppress unconsciously arousal in way that you won't get hard if you think about having gay-intercourse or anything related to same-sex fantasies? Am I overthinking and just made a mistake while talking?
I am confused, I am basically ok with discover myself to be not straight, because I want to get back to my normal life. So if I am ok with that and my unconscious wants to be gay or not straight, why I am not aroused when I think about guys? What a mess.

 

It seems I can't edit my posts, just few adds: I tried gay porn and it definetely doesn't turn me on. I also tried to fantasize on a gay friend, I couldn't conclude and got at most semihard on a morning wood. I don't know what to think. Maybe I just need to use occam's razor and go for straight . I can't even think properly, I need to answer this question about me. I thought I couldn't get hard because of some anxious, but when I imagine a gay fantasy I am calm and ok with it. I try to get into the fantasy, tring to live it as an experiment that doesn't define me etc. But it's simply impossible to reach climax or get a proper erection. I don't know, I tried to suppress arousal with women, to do that I need to completely switch the thinking otherwise it's impossible because I like it. For gay fantasies I am totally into the fantasy I don't switch or get distracted, my unconscious should rise instead of being suppressed.

 

It's me again. So I tried to do some of the exercises I read on EC.

I tried to fantasize again on men, but I can't get an erection. Sometimes I feel aroused/curious I think, but when I follow that arousal nothing happens. I tried with visual images too, like looking naked guys or fit guys, trying to imagine to have sex with them but I can't get an erection. As I write before the best I can do is an almost hard erection on a morning wood.
I'll try the last exercise tonight or tomorrow: I will let the mind wanders and see where it leads me. I've already done it before in this month, it happened that I imagined guys but since nothing happened down there I switched automatically to girls. I don't know if this is because I am obsessed on this topic or not.

Sometimes, when I don't think about all this I feel myself again and I think how f-up I am to do all of this, then the doubt of "Am I in denial?" kicks me again and I can't ignore it for long. I certainly made progress in managing this thing, I am still learning how to hangle it in the long term.

@Chip I would ask for what you think if you have time.

Best wishes, hope everyone is fine.

 

Hello guys. I have a therapist, we're working through this. But the only way I have to fade the fears is to challenge them and see what happens.

I tried another fantasy on men this morning, I was in the bed and set a calm mindset. It took long but I found something arousing and went for it and I finished. I don't feel ashamed or disgusted, I feel kinda ok. I still think arousal for women is a way too strong since I can do everything quick without like setting a calm mindset and try for hours. I will do another test to se if the arousal for men increase.

The point is that I don't know how to check for sure if I like men or not. And no, I don't want to go with a guy to find out lol.

I don't check on guys on the street and thinking "Damn he's hot", I tried on instagram but really it doesn't do for me. However I feel that if I finished on a fantasy that aroused me or that I constantly look if men arouse me/try to fantasize on them/searching naked men to see if it's arousing it must means that, unconsciously, I am gay or bi. I don't know how to end this endless cycle. If I don't get a clear answer I'll be stuck for a while.

I don't know if I am just exploring my sexuality in a deep way or not. If I started this journey I need to finish it, I can't like stop in the middle.

 

The fact that I take long to finish is because sometimes I lose erection or I stop focus on the fantasy. I don't know why it happens, I think it's my denial that make me switch or when I feel an erection will come it fades the arousal because "I am doing this with a guy wtf?". So I am trying to be open minded as possible and keep trying until I finish.

 

Do you have any other advice on this(other then the therapis)? @chris123 @Leynz45

 

Hi, your answer is very helpful.

This could be true, because this morning I searched some gay gifs that I thought may be hot to me.

I'll try to do 3 days of no fap basically and see what happens.

so when everything started I was very anxious, so anxious that I got short breath when I was near any guy. Something that have never happened to me before. I tried to test but anxiety was too high to get any meaningfull result, I was "disgusted" too but I read it may be internalized homophobia. So I managed to decrease such anxiety watching coming out video/gay that kisses and try to imagine sex with guys so many times that now it doesn't give me anxiety anymore. it took like a month to me to do this, now I am just get used to same sex fantasies. I mean that them don't give me any kind anxiety anymore nor I feel disgusted, most of the time when I imagine it I feel like a poker face.

What happens in my mind when I got these intrusive thought about "Am I gay, but not realising it?", well I think that if I answer "No I am not gay" then I am in denial, if I answer "Yes I am gay" then I feel I don't fit the label, I feel it's not who I am, like I am lying to myself. So in both answers I give I feel I am lying to myself. I also feel forced to say "Yes" because if I say "No" I think I am admitting I am in denial, I don't know if it makes sense but that's it. Therapist says I am so emotionally disconnected to myself that I just judge myself. This makes me crazy too, because now I don't now who am I since I can't trust myself. Sometimes the thought of being gay goes away because I recognize that I am alone and cry because I feel so lonely, and after that I feel better and don't mind about it untile the next day the thought come again.

This is interesting. Can you elaborate more? If you would, can you describe how you forced yourself to like women? How it was when you fantasized about girls trying to masturbate?

I don't know if I am forcing myself to like women, whan I know is that when I fantasize about them I don't think about any other thing, I usually get it up easily and I like it. I mean I have a "drive". Sometimes I feel aroused near girls, like that I hope to hook with them. But my thoughts are making me doubt of this affirmation too, so I need to test on girls too(well it's a test that takes few minutes, this is what makes me think I am not faking attraction).

For guys, I tell my self to stay calm and just live the fantasy, to let it go. If I don't touch myself I don't feel aroused, and with that I mean that my penis stays soft(with girls it get bigger). However if I touch myself I can get semi-hard and with a while even hard to finish(like this morning).

Sometimes I feel I am forcing myself to like guys, but then if I fantasize about them while touching I ask myself "Would you go on with this fantasy? It may arouse you?" I don't know what to answer like "Maybe? I don't know what I would do in this situation in real life". So I have to continue to find out if I like it. When I do this I am so relaxed that I can say it was enjoyable but not the same as for girls, where it's like to be on roller coaster. I don't know what does mean this.

Can you describe the anxiety you're talking about? Like how was it? What were your concerns?

I'll do my best.

I thought maybe I like girls because when I was young I used often porn. But Then if it was induced by society/porn I wouldn't have fantasized about girls continuously during high schools or in my twenties. I don't know, I am lost.