1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Questioning sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Noval, Sep 26, 2020.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. AnxiousJB

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2020
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    These thoughts that you might be gay seem to come from intrusive thoughts linked to anxiety rather than through noticing attraction to guys, so far as I can tell. Anxiety can override your thought processes and it seems to be doing so.

    This, of course, does not mean you're not gay necessarily, as I am only basing this off what I've read and I am not a psychologist. The thoughts which come into your head do not sound pleasant, but I think it would be best to try and just accept and do your best to ignore them. When you have thoughts of "am I gay?" or "am I in denial?" try to let it wash over you and not feel like you need to answer right now; it's ok to say I don't know to them. Maybe in time the negative emotions and anxieties associated will subside if you let go of attaching some great meaning to this. However, I would probably suggest talking this over with your therapist, because I am not an expert.

    Well, it was more me noticing that a woman was attractive and thinking that must mean I was attracted to her and forming 'crushes' on this basis. I didn't really stop to realise that the feelings and sensations I felt weren't really the same as with men. I would imagine myself being with the 'crush' and while it felt good to feel like I'd be loved, I didn't feel anything from fantasising about the more intimate aspects, while fantasising being with a guy gave me the former and a sense of excitement and a pleasant fuzzy feeling from imagining a kiss or whatever. I tried to convince myself I was wrong when I felt awkward on dates with women or when being intimate. It shouldn't feel like an anxious experience, where my thoughts weren't on hugging/kissing/having sex with the woman, but all I got was just a sense of dread. Nerves are to be expected, but I wasn't having that rush of excitement, regardless of worries over whether I do it right, as I do with men. I would have to try and force an erection with women for sex or masturbation.

    Your thoughts on this seem to be less exciting as it was for me, and I think your anxiety is what is at issue here. I think the important thing for you is to try and deal with these intrusive and obsessive thoughts through therapy.

    They were anxieties surrounding things like internalised homophobia, worrying that those close to me would think I am lying because I've dated women before and they know that, worries over knowing my sexuality and shame for being attracted to men and disgust at myself because of my internalised homophobia. Not disgust when looking at a guy I like or fantasising kissing a guy, but rotten voices telling me that I am disgusting for liking it once the arousal dissopated.
     
    #21 AnxiousJB, Oct 6, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2020
    Noval likes this.
  2. Noval

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2020
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'll try to resist to the need to know(I have no idea why I have to answer asap). I'll talk to my therapist asap.



    I don't worry about others, I do worry that I will lose my attraction to women and mostly to my ex I want to get back with.
    The few times I managed to finish on a same-sex fantasy I didn't felt... shame or had rotten voices you're talking about. I reminded myself it was ok(I read a chip's advice about it), I felt a bit weird like "Meh", then proceeded after a while to check if the arousal for girls was still there.
     
  3. Noval

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2020
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have noted that If I write my thoughts here or talk to a friend about all of this I feel better, but it only lasts for a short time. I tried talking to myself about the situation, but when I finish, after I state the results of the tests I just go back to test to see if something has changes(as if it would change day to night). I also thought I must like this if I keep continuing to test, but ffs I spent days doing this I never spent days getting off to see what I like even when I was 13. I want my life back, I would like to do other thing that tests. sorry for the vent.
     
  4. Leynz45

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2020
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Georgia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My biggest problem was i had different problems with myself. This gay thoughts began with normal thinking am i gay when i find a man good looking and ended up with permanently checking methods. Sometimes i was afraid that i am fall in love. Love is a good feeling but that was fear.I am really sure it was not denial. This obsessive questions or gay tests were horrible.

    Started with normal pictures and ended up with gay porn. My morning boner was horrible. I remember that i saw in my dream a lot of naked man and in my dream i was afraid and thought what i am doing here. I kissed an man in my dream and had this flashbacks over 2 weeks. I masturbate to gay porn everyday over 1 hour without an good sexual feeling. Fantasies with a girl was amazing but with a man. Nooo man i cant get an orgasm or any sexual stimulation because its difficult to feel something. I fapped to man bodys but i didnt come to an orgasm. For few hours i felt good. The thoughts were senseless but at the next day the same question started. Suddenly i sucked in my brain dicks to test me. It was horrible like an torture. If i fell in love to a girl i get an thought naaahh man you gay or something else. Its really depressing because my day routine were managed by my brain.

    Reassurance was a big mistake.It makes all stronger please dont do that. Relax. You need an therapist. For some gay members i wasnt gay or bisexual but i cant trust myself. I did funny things like kiss pictures everytime or say with an voice yeahhh i want someone fuck me in my ass. I dont know why i did that but its not healthy. Its not normal man.The dirtiest think what i did was to touch man friends ass or hug them to know if i feel something like oh yes i need more.

    I can give you an advice relax. Go to a specialist and tell him your problem. I am at this point where i am sometimes test me. I compare the feelings with girls. If i find something is maybe equal i am shocked. I cant breath. This website helped me a lot but i am really afraid that something triggers me in the future.
     
    #24 Leynz45, Oct 6, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 6, 2020
    Noval likes this.
  5. Noval

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2020
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Leynz45, thanks for your answer.

    I started in a very similar way. I've never had a problem to tell if a guy is good looking, but this time was different. I was watching a tv shows on dates and there was this bi-guy who met a girl and then a guy(both good looking ofc). He choosed the girl and went to excuse himself to the guy, this one just vent saying "You're gay and repressing yourself". So I thought, well this guy in the tv is good looking, I recognized it... what if I am gay and repressing it too? And all started. I can still remember the anxiety, it was a very bad day. The thought never left me, even thought it causes less anxiety now. But I developed this habit to do tests that is impacting in my life because I spent hours at this.

    I never had strong thoughts as yours, I decided to challege my fear because I wanted the truth about myself. So I tried to imagine same-sex fantasies to see what happens to me and my body.

    This is true, I think I am doing all of this just to convince myself for 5 minutes that I don't like guys. Then the question pops again and I have to do it again. Otherwise I think I am in denial.
    Sometimes if I try to fantasize I try to boost it with "I am gay, there is no shame to like other guys. Relax and just live the fantasy, you know you want it" but still can't be excited as for girls. I do experienced sparks of arousal and I am like "Yes, finally I can do this" but then everything fades. During a test I spent a lot of time thinking on guys, everytime I fail to get aroused and then I think "But maybe if I do this one more time I'll be aroused" and it happens nothing. Sometimes I feel I am forcing myself to like guys to distract myself from the lonely feels I have. When I accept that I am alone and cry the thoughts disappears, then they come back.


    If I say to myself that I am gay I don't feel comfortable because I literally can't get it up and I don't understand how I would appreciate male body. If I say to myself that I am staright then I need to confirm this by looking on the internet.
    Like searching "Can your unconscious stop arousal even if you do gay fantasies and your real orientation is gay?" I still haven't found an answer to that. I guess it's impossible, like if you like it you'll get hard by doing the act and after you'll be disgusted/ashamed.

    Sometimes I question what I felt when I was having sex with my ex-gf. "Maybe I didn't like it at all, Maybe that time you felt weird was because
    you are gay". But then if I think about my past sexual experience with my ex I am excited, I want more.

    I read topics on guys that say that they were having sex with opposite sex then met guy X and discover themself to be gay on a level that the idea of having sex with the opposite sex is dread to them. And I fear it could happen to me, it seems scary such a change of life. But I am starting to think that that's how life works, it's scary to die by car accident but we're still using cars. It's scary to not achieve what you want in life, but you still try. Then the doubt kicks me again and I feel the urge to answer my questions about my sexual orientation. Even if the evidence points towards straight. It's never enough.
     
  6. Noval

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2020
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    When it started thought, I've already had obsessive thoughts about other themes like being an abuser/a pedo/bipolar/borderline or aggressive thoughts or on my relationship(like "What if I am in a toxic relatioship? What are the signals? Am I toxic? Is my relationship at the end? Is she toxic?") and spent days on reddit looking for answer.
    The previous obsessions just made me have crippling anxiety and doing wide extented research but they last one-two weeks. This one is the hardest to challenge and get over it, it's almost two months that I question myself on a daily basis with tests. I've had some obsessive behaviour last year too, like for hairs or penis lenght(checking for days/hours). They all started with life-changing events. But this one, this obsession it's the hardest to kick out. I think it is because it wreck my identity and it kicked me in a moment where I was(and I am) very weak, so weak I can't even tell if I like guys too. I hope therapy works, it's
     
  7. SilentM

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2020
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Poland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It is impossible to lose sexual preference. Scientifically proven fact.

    You can get over your ex though, which is a good thing if your relationship is done. Apologies for being straightforward.

    In your private time its best to stick to the things that you enjoy the most.
     
    Noval likes this.
  8. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    (Warning: Thread hijack in progress)

    Here we go with the "bi erasure" crap again. That's a ridiculous, emotion-laden word. To "erase" means "to obliterate or eliminate completely" which is nobody's intent.

    I really don't want to get into a ridiculous, pointless argument about exactitude of language that isn't exact.

    Again, Kinsey stated that only about 10% of the population is at either end of the spectrum, while the other 90% are somewhere on the spectrum. 90% of the population is not bisexual, unless one is using a purist definition that isn't really helpful.

    Thus, in practice, many people who are Kinsey 1s or 2s label themselves as straight. Plenty of 4s or 5s label themselves as gay. It's a label of convenience. It is not "erasing" anything. It's stating that, most of the time, these folks feel like they're mostly gay or mostly straight, and choosing the label that is the closest match.

    Likewise, there are Kinsey 1s or Kinsey 5s that might label as bisexual, even though, in practice, they have little attraction to other than their primary attraction. Again, nobody's trying to "obliterate or eliminate completely" anything.

    And there are plenty of bisexuals who label as bisexuals, who are Kinsey 3s. So clearly, again, nobody's doing anything to erase, obliterate, eliminate, devalue, ignore, sideline, delete, expunge, negate, or wipe out bisexuals.

    The English language exists to facilitate understanding and communication between people. Few things are black-and-white. I really wish folks would put energy into things that matter instead of stupid shit that's a complete waste of time.

    (End thread hijack)
     
  9. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As previously discussed, there's zero indication you are anything other than straight.

    That isn't going to work.

    You are dealing with a textbook classic case of OCD. You won't be able to make any sense of this even if you "test" 100,000 times. That's the way the disorder works. The dysfunction in your brain has hijacked your reasoning centers.

    If this is a daily thing creating anxiety, you probably need medication, at least in the short term, to get the obsessive thoughts under control. This is not something you're going to magically solve by doing "one more test", any more than someone who has obsessions with switching light switches on and off can just decide they're going to flip it one more time and that will make everything right.

    Please talk to your therapist about the depth of the intrusive thoughts and ask for a referral for a medication evaluation.
     
    AnxiousJB and Omegduh like this.
  10. Omegduh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2020
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    49
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    As I person with OCD, I second what Chip says. I am personally dealing with OCD surrounding an attraction to men and I will "check" to see if I am attracted to them or not. Plus, I get intrusive thoughts about them. My brain is also currently at war with itself because my brain tries to convince me (OCD brain) that I am straight and just suppressing an attraction to men while the logical brain wants to focus on an attraction to women. Don't give into your OCD compulsions. And I'd suggest to start medication to help combat the thoughts along with therapy.
     
    Noval likes this.
  11. chris123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Best of luck dealing with this. I have a similar story, especially regarding your point on masturbation. I started a post about it on here too

    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/sexuality-and-masturbation.481904/

    I also have tried countless times to masturbate to gay fantasies (not porn) and compare them to my straight fantasies (how I react, how arousing they are, whether I can reach orgasm). Every time I find myself unable to get off to the thoughts or any real pleasure. Like you I worry whether it's just my subconsciousness suppressing it, like ok I'll try again and be completely relaxed so I have an answer, but nothing. When I think about girls, like I have my entire life, I can get off to them, but as I orgasm a picture of a guy with pop in my mind and through orgasm I will notice it and as I feel pleasure think if it's my mind telling me something or not.

    It's annoying, and for monthsas far as I can remember this questioning of my orientation has been on my mind anytime I'm not preoccupied with something - in the shower, walking to work, if I'm smoking, etc.

    I feel like I'm suppressing/denying myself as it feels I don't want to be gay or have this attraction, but then I get the idea it's just a deep rooted internalised homophobia issue, and i start all over again.

    Anyway, hope my story can help you a bit, and you're a bit more proactive in seeking out help than I am...take care!
     
    Noval likes this.
  12. Leynz45

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2020
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Georgia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The most important thing is to calm down and dont make test it makes worst than it is.Dont go to HOCD communities.HOCD is not a special disease but OCD is.I think before this happened you dont understand why people homosexual.The fact is you are really afraid.You need support.
     
    #32 Leynz45, Oct 11, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2020
    Noval, QuietPeace and Chip like this.
  13. SilentM

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2020
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Poland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    If it is nobody's intent then why use emotion-laden words like "crap", "shit", "ridiculous", "waste of time" to assault term that describes many people's experience? Is it not enough to say you disagree?

    This is not true. The exact results of Kinsey's research are displayed on the web page of Kinsey Institute:

    "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953) reported that

    • 37% of males and 13% of females had at least some overt homosexual experience to orgasm;
    • 10% of males were more or less exclusively homosexual and 8% of males were exclusively homosexual for at least three years between the ages of 16 and 55. For females, Kinsey reported a range of 2-6% for more or less exclusively homosexual experience/response.
    • 4% of males and 1-3% of females had been exclusively homosexual after the onset of adolescence up to the time of the interview."
    So you got the numbers and the whole concept wrong. The objective of the research was to show that human sex behavior is inconsistent and fluid. Kinsey himself did not approve of using word "bisexual" as a description of sexual orientation. He uses binary labels: heterosexual and homosexual. I don't think that he understood bisexuality when he was conducting his research. Its people who followed his work who started to refer to people in Kinsey's 1-5 range as 'bisexuals', because unlike what you've said earlier there was a lot of scientific work and progress in the field since Kinsey.

    I think that F. Klein is the key expert in bisexuality and his grid is better for scientific research on bisexuality than Kinsey's scale.

    Many people conveniently label themselves 'straight' regardless of their score and quite many label themselves gay or lesbian regardless of their score on Kinsey scale. People who are 6 call themselves 'straight', people who are '0' call themselves 'bisexual' or 'pansexual' and people who are 5 call themselves 'lesbian'. 'Convenience' is the key world here. Erasure happens when it is more convenient to adopt a label that suits the social norm over the identity.

    This works the other way round. There are numerous examples of people who had sexual partners of both genders or at least some degree of erotic interest in both genders. However, depending on the narrative (straight or gay), some of the attractions are downplayed as incidental, insignificant or nonexistent. This is brought to extremes where people who were out as bisexuals are forced under 'straight' or 'gay' labels. This is erasure: people ignore, sideline, devalue, delete, negate facts and eliminate, expunge, wipe out bisexuality and even more so partners of bisexual people from living memory and history books.

    Kinsey scale is not about what you label yourself but what your attractions are. If someone reports attractions to more than one gender you can adopt a methodology to measure those attractions in time and you end up with 1-5 rating, that is commonly named with a broad term 'bisexuality'. Literally it describes 'non exclusive behavior' as in 'reactions to stimuli associated or coming from both sexes' and implies fluidity. So rating is independent from self-assigned label - if you report 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 in (0,6) you are bisexual, case closed. What a researcher cannot do, is to get into someone's head and decide what they feel and what is right for them. For example: someone says "I feel fulfilled in relationship with a girl so I think I'll live the rest of my life as a lesbian". You cannot go like "oh, no, no you've said you enjoyed sex with that guy on october 11, 1954, you cannot be lesbian, you are bisexual". But you can write in report: "past sexual behavior: same-sex mostly" which qualifies that person as transient from bisexual past to current lesbian ideal. Reporting simply that a person is 'lesbian' because she currently identifies so is a bias. It is not honest nor ethical: you are erasing subject's important past from the research and you are denying her other-sex partner significance, which is erasure.

    Now the bottom line is: when talking with someone who is concerned about shift in his sexuality language is very important to me. In particular I don't flash the 'gay' label in front of someone who, up to now, though about himself as heterosexual, unless I have 100% certainty that this label fits. So if I put the well being of a person before the comfort of 4s, and 5s who call themselves gay, I'm guilty as charged.
     
    #33 SilentM, Oct 11, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2020
    QuietPeace likes this.
  14. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Because the word itself is ridiculous, emotion-laden word.

    As for the rest of it, Kinsey's scale is, in fact a 0 to 6 scale, with heterosexuality on one end, homosexuality on the other. I won't get into the nitty gritty because we're hijacking someone else's thread, but in short, the Kinsey study, as I have said many times over, is a highly flawed study for many reasons (sampling bias, potential experimenter bias, methodological issues, and more.) But it is, unfortunately, the simplest, easy-to-understand reference point illustrating the spectrum of sexual identity that we have at the moment. And while we base some of what we know now on Kinsey's work, we base lots more on what's been learned since.

    And I can label myself "unicornsexual" if I want.


    You're conflating denial with convenience labeling.

    Erasure DOES NOT EXIST because no one is trying to erase, obliterate, or wipe out bisexuals.
    Now... I'll agree that bisexuals do suffer from discrimination in part because of the misuse of the the 'bisexual' term by people who are using it as a bridge identity when they're coming to terms with being gay or lesbian. And certainly some folks are afraid to date bisexuals because they fear they'll eventually get left for a person of a different sex. I agree that it's ridiculous and unfair, but it isn't "erasure." It's a ridiculous term.


    (large irrelevant rant snipped)

    That is what Kinsey intended it to be, but in practice, it has become much wider than that. It is widely used as a self-identity. You're splitting gnat hairs to make a nonexistent argument about an issue that apparently you feel victimized by, but that doesn't make it accurate.

    I'm not going to argue with you about your agenda, because it isn't effective or useful in helping people here. Please take your agenda elsewhere.

    ... and therein lies the problem. This isn't about you. It's about the person who needs help. And you're more interested in splitting gnat hairs and pushing an agenda than actually helping people. So I invite you to push your agenda somewhere else.
     
    #34 Chip, Oct 11, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2020
  15. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    ^^^THIS^^^
     
    Noval and Omegduh like this.
  16. SilentM

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2020
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Poland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    But aren't you doing just that: arguing about agenda, accusing and judging, ordering me around and telling me to shut up or go away.

    How does that help anyone?
     
    #36 SilentM, Oct 12, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2020
  17. Noval

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2020
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello, thanks everyone for the answers.

    As many of you stated it is a prolunged anxiety problem that exploded after the breakup and probably OCD too. After the last session of therapy we discovered the core of the problem, that is linked to a childhood trauma I had. Fun fact is that when we found the issue I started to... "dissociate"(?) Like when the therapist made me question about it I wouldn't be able to remember the question or part of it and when she repeated it the obsessions started again and I started switching topic of the discussion on the theme of the obsession and not on the question. After the therapy I was exhausted and a bit foggy but the next day I started to breath again. I don't know what happened but I felt me again, I didn't have short-breath nor obsessions I was me again. I noted how the breath was so smooth and full of air, in the last months was short, like if I was in a cage. I realized as soon as I will feel me it doesn't matter what is my sexual orientation. The obsession started to be in the background, like a noise. But... I think I have started a vicious cycle here. I noted that when I got anxiety about something the obsessions come again(sexual orientation or fear of be bipolar at the moment) and I feel it's because compulsions make my anxiety go down, that just fuels the anxiety and are not related to its real cause. Obsessions just make my anxiety spike up to make me do compulsions to make anxiety go down. I think the tests made in these months and my previous obsessive behaviour(which I was not aware of) tied up these cycle. I think the anxiety created by the trauma and OCD started to work together after the first was triggered by the breakup.

    Now I don't fear to be gay or anything. What happens in my mind is the following: I have a voice that tell me every second that I could be gay and then I feel the urge to test myself to see if I am or if my orientation changed day to night. I know this is absurd, actually just the fact that I am sure I am straight should shut them up but it's impossible to argument with them, it's like I forgot who I am and the results of the previous tests or the feeling I have when I fantasize on girls and I need to test again and again.
    I started noted a pattern in the test too, you know "let's try again *just to be sure*" and I do this like 5 times for each sex.

    And of course I was looking for answer not inside myself but reading on the internet, it's like I thought that I must fit all the stories.

    I made several cognitive errors like "if I notice a good looking guy and then I ask myself if am gay then I am surely gay in denial who isn't living his life at the fulliest", the fear is not to be gay but to live in a wrong way because I was so stupid to didn't recognize it before. So it was my fault the breakup and my unhappines after it, and so on...

    As you see there is not much logic here, as if there is a "right" or "wrong" way to live my life. Another one is that I felt homophobic because when I tried fantasies on the same sex I wan't feeling arousal, crazy huh? It was my fault if I didn't feel arousal, I must like them otherwise you're in denial. So, reversing roles, if a gay man doesn't enjoy girls in a sexual way then he's a straight-phobic(lol) denying his straightness lol.

    When I had obsession I wasn't able to think, I had a hude amount of anxiety that went down doing tests.


    Some days it's easy to resist, when I am alone usually it's not so easy(I feel obligated to do the test, if not it's like I am dying) and I am going to work on that with my therapist. I think you're right I have OCD, but I am not diagnosed yet. My therapist said that if we don't achieve a control over them she will send me to an expert to manage the sintoms.

    So in general the obsessions now scare me less, sometimes they try to get in charge and they succeed... I guess it will take time to beat or manage such a disorder. I started feel anxious because the obsessions scare me less too lol.

    I don't understand this sentece, sorry. Anyway HOCD / OCD communities and I think this site too just fuel my obsessions, so I'll do my best to spent less time on them.


    TLDR: you were right I have an unmanagment anxiety problem due to a childhood's trauma and probably OCD too that make me waste my days.

    Again thank you for your answers and support. I whish you all the best <3.
     
    #37 Noval, Oct 12, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2020
    AnxiousJB, Omegduh and Chip like this.
  18. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    By providing accurate information so that others who are reading the thread will not be misled. Please let it go.
     
    Omegduh likes this.
  19. Leynz45

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2020
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    Georgia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    @Chip i cant understand whats in my brain happened.Before that happened i didnt knew why people are gay.I didnt knew why girls felt in love in different guys but one day this question was a shoot in my brain.I had suddenly fear that iam attracted to someone.The first thoughts came with 14-15 and with 18 it was stronger.I dont understand what in my brain happened.Its feels like someone controlls my brain.When this tests are sucessfull its feels for few minutes-hours very good.I can relax i can breath but if something triggers me iam afraid i cant move and i think again am i gay?Everytime im in a Time-machine i search every single point that iam gay.I found something where i kissed a boy in the kindergarten.I got panic attacks and i ate 3 days nothing.I felt sick.I thought this is 100% a prove that iam gay/bi but after that the same shit.My therapist said they are all in your obsessive thinking but why.Imagine i tell somebody about me or Noval.Everybody would be say that we are gay and in denial but why people cant understand that.What is the big difference of us and people they are really gay ?
     
  20. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The difference is in the OCD. The best way I can describe it is that OCD literally hijacks the reason centers in your brain. It impacts how you think, your reasoning centers, how you evaluate things, and the conclusions you come to. For someone who is truly gay, there's still anxiety and sometimes denial, but there isn't the constant rechecking or obsessing. A straight person without OCD who tries to masturbate to gay porn will do so once or twice, figure out it isn't arousing, and move on. Someone with OCD will, because their logic and reasoning centers aren't working correctly, refuse to accept the input that says "No, there's no arousal here" and instead gets stuck in an endless loop of "But if I try 200 times, maybe once I'll feel the tiniest tingle" and then, in another leap of logic that makes absolutely no sense, they'll reject the overwhelming evidence that says "Nope, not gay" and accept, without any questioning, the tiniest, flimsiest, most nonexistent perception that makes them believe they are.

    So... one person genuinely is coming to terms with something that is uncomfortable, but sees the unassailable evidence that supports it, while the other sees virtually no evidience whatsoever to support their fear, and voluminous evidence to the contrary, and yet still obsesses over the "what if" even in the complete lack of any reasonable amount of credible evidence, and loads of evidence to the contrary. And that's what happens when you have a brain disorder that impacts your ability to think and make logical decisions.
     
    #40 Chip, Oct 13, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2020
    Noval and QuietPeace like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.