All the signs...what were yours?

Yeah, I have my list too -- from trading blow jobs with my neighbor friend as a kid, to going to a nude beach in my 20's to meet a gay guy, and then actually spending a night with him. All along, I've been drawn to seeing photos of naked men. It's not like I tried to forget about all these things, they just kid of faded into the past like an old TV show.
I'm interested in how you feel about remembering these obvious signs -- someone said "cathartic" and I think someone else said "amused". On a different thread, someone thought it was not helpful to remember these things -- maybe that depends on whether the memories were painful of happy.

 

I was thinking the same thing. As I read this thread and think of my own "signs," the things that come to mind are interesting.

For instance, when I was an adolescent, I adored seeing old photos of women in men's clothes... I was enamored with tomboys & butches even though I never wanted to dress that way myself. This was before I was thinking about anything or anyone in a sexual way, so I just found those women cool. It's interesting that 30 years later, I discover that I'm almost exclusively attracted to those types of women.

Also, when I was in my 20's I was told by different men at least 3 times in my life that I give off a gay vibe. I didn't really know what to think about that, or maybe I wasn't ready to think about it, so I just ignored it. Years later, it hit me like a brick that I'm totally attracted to women. Then it felt like a sexual bomb had gone off in my body. I remember thinking at first that this is what straight teenage boys must feel like, lol.

 

I'm guessing everyone will be different. I'm the one who described it as cathartic, only because I've never actually discussed this at all with anyone, ever. Because of this, I felt like with my earlier post once I started I almost couldn't stop. Years of surpressed memories have fome flooding back and I just wanted to document it somehow. I can definitely appreciate that for some it can be a painful process.

YES! This is what I've felt like the last 6 months or so. I've been thinking exactly the same re. teenage boys!

 

When I was a kid, one of the boys down the block had like ALL the Star Wars figures, like big boxes full and he and I and the other neighbor boys would play with them, a lot. I was always Princess Leia. In retrospect it seems a little odd that no one ever gave that a second thought...

 

It feels very cathartic and validating, especially right now. It makes me realize I’m not a weirdo or an isolated case and that others stating their own coming out stories sound similar to mine.

I told a friend in my previous town that the queers where I live now can be a bit unfriendly and clickish. This is a super gay part of the country, but when I’ve gone out to places people already have their groups. That’s not bad. It’s just hard. So reading this has been helpful. I hope it’s helpful for others.

 

I find it helpful to bring back, remember, and own those memories, because it helps to affirm what I feel now. And it's helpful to read other's memories because (once again) it reminds me I'm not alone.

 

I have been following this and I have been getting many more memories that have surfaced. The one that really strikes me, is at age four I knew I wasn't like other boys. I liked trucks and playing army and all that, but I like playing with girls, wanted Barbie dolls, loved to play dress up. I instinctively felt this was wrong and even then was conscious I had to be quiet about this. I was struck that I have spent over four decades trying to appear as something I'm not.

 

And I liked rough play. At least as much as dolls. I was quite a fearless child but became quite a risk averse adult.

 

All this conversation reminded me of how I had no idea how to play with Barbie dolls when little. I took their legs and hands off and tried to make them switch places, like sticking the arm to where the leg should be. I really had no idea why a shopping super star doll or pretending to be someone's wife was so exciting. I usually played the role of a hero or a villain but I was always powerful and never a princess. I thought waiting to be rescued by a man was pathetic or at least boring. I didn't get the appeal of the role of the princess. Also out of all my friends I was the only one that didn't know if she wanted to get married or have children in the future.

Another sign that should have been obvious was that when I was in my teens I constantly watched lesbian porn and rationalized it in very weird ways, like it was a preparation for a future husband or a lesson on how to be seductive. At some point I tried to quit because I angrily scolded myself for checking out women like a man would or for getting too excited at the sight of naked women. Then I told myself it was a phase and once I met several dates and had sex it would go away. Well it didn't.

 

I recognize the Barbie thing. I had a whole Barbie doll house I never played with. I didn't play with dolls either until my 7 years younger sister was old enough to play with dolls, then I played with her because I knew she liked it. I was into puzzles and played with Lego and Playmobil when I was young.

Looking back, I had a problem with the gender roles too. You know, why should I be the one who cooks, cleans the house etc.?

 

I don’t know, for me there weren’t a lot of signs because on some level I always knew. When I was 5 I experimented with the neighbor boy, and I was already very curious what my male figure toys would be like if they were anatomically correct. So my sexuality was pretty apparent to me even from a young age.

What I’m somewhat troubled by is why. A therapist once told me that explicit sexual curiosity before age 10 is a strong indicator of sexual abuse, but I don’t remember any of any kind. However, years later, my dad admitted that he molested his step daughter a decade later. Could he have done anything to me? I don’t think so, but I can’t guarantee not, either. Still, I have no memories of any abuse, so that’s my conclusion.

But to answer the question, I experienced my early sexuality fairly directly, and so the signs were fairly direct and unambiguous.

Patrick

 

Hi,
Like everyone who has posted I had so many signs over the years.

1. I had a lot of male friends and felt shy around girls/ women as I got older.

2. I did have school crushes on boys but never felt an urge to act on the feelings.

3. I used to think the gay woman up my street (the only gay person I recall from my childhood) was pretty (she was a tomboy, nothing has changed there ;-).

4. I was never a girly girl and struggled to be myself around other girls at school/college.

5. A girl kissed me on a night out to wind up her husband and I pushed her off so fast, worrying I would like or that I would be found out.

6. I remember admiring a woman as she walked by me at work, I remember looking pretty intently thinking there was something about her, I couldn't take my eyes off her. It wasn't until she noticed me clearly giving her the eye I realised she must think I fancy her, and was shocked. ( ha ha ha clearly I did).

7. I never had a real sexual connection with a guy or felt the way I do now about women.

8. The various films and TV shows where I was memorised by the female actress.

Not to mention so many others, even people at uni seemed to know I was gay and it took another 9 years for me to realise and admit it to myself.

 

At least to me was:
1. When I watch porn first time I was more focus on the guys in the movie than girls.
2. I couldn't stop looking at my friend father.
3. Never liked seeing naked woman, even though; I would and still get arouse.
4. Porn more dicks in the movie better for me.
5. The most important when jerking off I always think about guys.

 

1. Check (me too)
2. Check. My parents invited a couple to dinner. While sitting there at the table, I was noticing how our guest's collar was open, and sometimes when he moved just so, I could the curve going from his neck to his shoulder. Full arousal for me!
3. Not so much. I appreciate visuals of all sorts, including men, women, and art.
4. Check
5. and Check!!

 

Did anybody else had problems with dating someone who had very masculine/feminine features -depending on what the opposite sex is for you- that turned them off?

For example I had a hard time feeling attracted to men with facial hair, chest and back hair. Men with more prominent masculine characteristics in general seem to not interest me.

Anyone else?

 

Hm I just realized that what turned me off wasn't as much as masculinity but the lack of femininity. I seem to be interested in people who exhibit feminine traits. I wonder what that says about my orientation.

 

@Silveroot I can relate to this somewhat, but not exactly. I was so buried in denial, I knew, came to near acceptance occasionally, only to run full steam back to the safety of the closet. But as a young virile man, I found all kinds of guys sexually attractive. I found very feminine and quite masculine females attractive too, but it was different type of feeling. Ended up marrying a fairly masculine gal, the only gal I was ever with that I was able to have any semblance of enjoyable sex with, and that was short lived, and over 2 decades later we are both dealing with the fallout. As someone who has had some gender identity issues, who had close personal relationships with lots of females, I realize now it should have been obvious that finding well dressed women very appealing and not really getting anything from naked gals in magazines was more than a clue.

 

That's an interesting point...my first boyfriend between the ages of 17 - 22 was physically quite masculine, he had a striking jawline and crazy blue eyes, tall and athletic. Emotionally though I would say he was more feminine as he was a lot more sensitive and in tune with his feelings than most guys I've met. However, he would never show this side of him in public, it was always in private with me. He always overcompensated in social situations to ensure that he was the alpha male and it was embarrassing tbh. I was more put off by his personality than his looks, the masculine aspect didn't put me off and I found him attractive. He was a complete tool in the end but I guess it was young love and I was infatuated.

My second boyfriend between the ages of 23-29 was physically masculine, I wouldn't say he had any feminine traits at all. Generally a rugby player type physique, baby face (couldn't grow a beard to safe his life haha) and tall. I definitely fell in love with his personality, he was a true gentleman and incredibly selfless and kind. But I can truthfully say now, I never really found him attractive and ultimately the relationship became more of us being best friends.

When it comes to women, I've not been with one but definitely have more of an instant attraction to them more than guys. There have been way more times where a woman has walked down the street and I notice her than with guys. Don't even remember when the last time I felt my eyes lock on a guy who I find attractive...whereas it happens all the time with women. I would say I prefer women who are more femme, so it's funny that I went for typical guy types when I was dating them. I think now I just have a general appreciation of handsome men and haven't been sexually attracted to them in a long time.

 

In my case that I'm bisexual. I had a huge crush on my male hairdresser when I was a kid and have continued to have crushes (celebrity crushes or real life crushes) on men with feminine traits. On my list of celebrity crushes: young Brett Anderson from (The London) Suede, River Phoenix etc. Sigh. I think it's also possible you are a lesbian but I'm definitely not . No Chippendales for me, but if there was an androgynous guys alternative I would probably be in the front row lol.

 

Oh and I forgot, you could also be straight. Some straight women are into more femine men too (I once posted an article about this on here but unfortunately I can't find it).