All the signs...what were yours?

Wow can I relate. Some differences, I on several occasions came to the conclusion that I am gay, only to convince it myself it was a fetish fantasy tiny sliver in my otherwise hetero existance. Lost my virginity at 12 to another boy, had several experiences with boys. At 15, had an experience that left me convinced of my homosexuality , only at 16 to fall in love with a girl, and get it on with her, only to suffer erectile disfunction. Finally after 3 tries, sealed the deal fantasizing about her dad. Still told my self "yay! I am not a fag!" Learned it was easy to climax with a girl if you just fantasized about a guy. From 19- 21, started to face the truth a bit By a strange set of coincidences, met a couple of closeted men, had terrible clandestine relationships, decided that I wasn't gay, I just liked sex with men. Got married at 24 as a "bisexual " which may have been accurate to some degree. With in a year or so of marriage, kind of realized that sex with women didnt work for me, , admitted that it wasn't all sex, that I fall in love with men, but decided for various reasons to stay in the closet . Told the wife 15 years ago, so she could move on, but just now we are finally working in the end. Have been coming out to people. But have realized that until recently I really was hiding mostly from myself in the closet. So many chances at self acceptance, that I actively ran from. Now if I could just quit falling in love with straight men.

 

Butterflies85 I too hope that their will be or is a greater ability for kids today to embrace their feelings. It is not just a battle for those of us who are identifying as LGBTQ. As I am coming out to more people I am finding more people who share their stories of exploration, a normal part of human existance, but I have had more than 1 person tell me that guilt from isolated homosexual experiences traumatized them for years and led them to be very negative against LGBTQ persons in years past. Everyone deserves a right to feel their inherent nature is okay.

 

I’ve always been attracted to both men and women. However, when I was married to a man (twice) it never worked out. I would end up getting depressed/unhappy and long to be with a woman. In 2015 I came out as bisexual and it was very freeing. The more time that has gone by I’ve figured out that I’m more on the lesbian side of bisexual. I have no desire to be with a man; I’m currently dating a woman and it feels right.

 

Hi @Butterflies85

Thanks for your post, as someone who still on occasion struggles to accept (or believe) my sexuality it’s quite nice to read that someone has experienced a few similar things to what I have. As it was ignoring those past experiences that makes me still question myself...like, how could I have missed this!!! very annoying.

Here’s a list of my own, sorry if it’s long:

1. When I was little, I always knew I wasn’t like the other girls. I was a massive tomboy and just wanted to be as good as the boys. I thought boys were simply there to be competed with

2. When I was about 12, someone at school once called me a lesbian and I hated it. I thought it was something that I never ever ever wanted to be as it was bad and was really upset about it

3. Having a huge crush on a teacher in college when I was 17. I thought she was amazing and the most beautiful person I’d ever met. I used to go out of my way to walk past her classroom just so I could get a glimpse. I never realised that this was a crush though, I just thought I was a bit weird.

4. I realise this now, but didn’t realise at the time that my attraction to men was always a bit forced. It was like I had a mental checklist of how a partner should be and if they ticked a few of those boxes then I thought I was attracted to them, regardless of their actual personality

5. Having another crush on a girl that I worked with when I was 21. Again I thought she was amazing and I used to get really jealous of her boyfriend. I was living in another country at the time and when I had to leave I was really upset about it. I told myself that it was because I was leaving the country when in reality it was about her. I remember briefly letting my mind wander to the fact that it could be about her but I shut the thought out ASAP as I didn’t want to know the real answer

6. Seeing the L Word for the first time (again when I was abroad and about 21/22) and being completely blown away. When I got back to the UK I used to watch any little clips that I could find on YouTube over and over again completely mesmerised

7. Like you I always fantasised about women when being intimate with a man. I used to justify this saying that everyone has fantasies and that it doesn’t mean that I wanted them to come true

8. This may be TMI but again when I was intimate with a guy, I was never really there for them. It was always just for me. And if I’m really honest, sex with men was more of a thing where I just wanted them to want me, like some sort of validation. I never really wanted them as such.

9. Being in the pub with a group of friends and my now ex boyfriend. One friend made a comment to me that the pub was boring and that me and her should get some wine and go back to hers. I replied by saying that I couldnt go back to hers as I would probably end up cheating on my boyfriend. I remember being quite shocked by that comment as I knew that I meant it. She just laughed and thought I was joking...thankfully

11. Being at a party with the same girl. She did me a favour and so I said i would buy her a drink to say thanks. When were at the bar and I ordered the drinks, she joked that it was like a date. I remember saying in my head ‘that would be so nice’

10. When in a relationship with a man, I always felt like I was missing something fundamental but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I always wondered why I never seemed to love them like my friends loved their partners. I truly thought that I wasn’t able to love people and that something in me was broken

11. Never understanding why my friends would get so upset if/when they broke up with a guy. I remember once having to literally lift my friend up and out of the road because she was crying so much. I honestly didn’t get it. I used to think ‘it’s just a guy, what’s the big deal’

12. I was abroad on a hen do a few years ago and we were all at a pool party drunk. My friend and I were in the pool and she asked what type of kisser I was and so I tried to explain. She told me to show her, and so I did. It wasn’t much as all the other girls were around but I know I wanted to kiss her properly

13. On the same hen do, I was in the hotel room I was sharing with one of my other friends. I walked in the bathroom and she was in the bath. I distinctly remember thinking to myself ‘don’t look at her, don’t look at her, don’t look at her’ when all I wanted to do was look at her...obviously lol.

14. I’ve since realised that I had a crush on that same girl. We went on a couples group holiday a few years ago and even though my boyf was there I used to follow her around like a puppy dog. One night, she got really drunk and to try and sober her up I went for a walk with her along the beach. A thought came into my head that I really wanted to cuddle her and make it ok and look after her. That happened a few times on that holiday actually. I knew it was more than just a platonic type of comforting that I wanted to give her

15. I’ve had on and off fantasies about being in a relationship with a women for years. When I was with my ex I would think things like if I had a girlfriend I would buy her flowers and little gifts that reminded me of her all the time. Such a sap lol

16. Oh and a massive one for me. I always always used to think that my friends thought I was gay anyway. But it used to panic me and so I used boyfriend name drop all over the place just to make sure that they knew I was straight. I especially did this with any new woman that i met. I also used to worry when buying clothes. If I tried something on that I thought made me ‘look gay’ then I would take it off quicker than anything. It was completely ridiculous as they were just clothes but I used to panic regardless

17. I get extremely nervous and intimidated around attractive women. I’m not a particularly shy person but in the company of an attractive women it’s like I turn into a complete idiot and lose all social skills lol

there’s a few more but I think I’ve rambled on enough for now ha ha

 

I’ll just say a few things:

1. I’ll always tried to form friendships with female teachers. I was literally brutalized for this, called a lesbian and actually verbally and emotionally abused by peers, and other things, but I just assumed my desire for friendship was normal. Later, I realized how abnormal it was. Not to mention what my peers did to me. Being gay was cool. Being a lesbian was not. Our one lesbian teacher was essentially criminalized.

2. I never had crushes and my one crush was on a character in a book. It was solely due to the emotional connection I felt. I realized there was something wrong with me.

3. I didn’t start dating until my 20’s and I was always trying to find a way out of the relationships. My best friend thought it was because I’m a Sagittarius, and to be fair it could be (I do tend panic and run), but over time I felt like a lot of things were missing. The last guy I dated cornered me and asked me if I could be bi or gay. I started crying and denied it. For what an asshole he was, he was actually really supportive and said it might explain a lot and there’s nothing wrong [with being gay].

4. I’ve never been in a relationship with another woman, but I had a longterm, strange emotional thing. I don’t want to get into it since a relationship was hinted at, but nothing happened (I will say, ugh, relationships with women are so much harder and lesbian drama is the worst!). Everything made sense. I was insanely attracted to her— physically, emotionally, sexually. I told a friend, who is a lesbian, “oh, I get it now!” When I went on a few dates with some women, I was excited and attracted to them. I still wanted to run away (that’s just my MO), but yeah.... one day, some cute woman won’t mind me panicking and fleeing the scene.

ETA: I never desired marriage. Where my friends wanted or want marriage, I was planning other things like traveling, horses, my career.
I was also into female celebrities. Not crushes, but I followed their careers. I stopped doing this when I was about 20.

 

1. I wasn't bothered whether I had a boyfriend in my teens and dumped a boy who really liked me, telling him that I needed to focus on my studies. Felt relieved afterwards.
2. I never noticed males as much as my friends. When my best friend asked me which one I liked in our favourite boy band, I had to think about it.
3. I gave my brother a picture of a scantily clad female pop star, then felt I should avert my eyes from it every time I entered the room.
4. I shed tears at night for months when I thought that I had lost my best friend forever (she had discovered boys).
5. I used to make up romantic storylines in my head for certain female characters on the t.v. - romantic daydreams.
6. I felt inexpicably angry and embarrassed when a very attractive friend at university wore a revealing red crop mohair jumper and blue Levi jeans - I can remember that moment like it was yesterday.
7. I never noticed men the way my friends did. When I did notice one, mostly others didn't.
8. I'd get surprised when I actually did notice a handsome guy. I thought I was just fussy.
9. I love having close friendships with women and have been secretly jealous if I have to share and wanted to have lots of one on one time.
10. I fell in unexpressed, unrequited love with a woman at 40 - I felt dizzy around this woman and an involuntary thought of going down on her popped into my head. I'd never had such a thought before about anyone.
11. When I fantasised I was always the man in the scenario.
12. I feel I can be more intimate with my girlfriend than I have ever been. I can experience intimacy as well as physical sensation - I want to look into her eyes, I really want to please her sexually, I enjoy "The journey", I want to protect her.
13. I think I enjoy the attention from either a man or woman who fancies me...and that can be confusing...but I find it easier to be active with a woman...comfortable initiating things.

 

Oh my goodness...I could relate with so many of these. Thank you all for your insight.


1.When I was in kindergarten, my closest friend told me she had a magic filter that could transform us into legendary creatures. I asked her everyday if she brought it. I concluded that if we were to have a filter at the same place we should as well live in the same house. Back then I didn't know people could be roommates, so I told her we should get married but one of us should dress up as a man because nobody would help us get married as two girls. Now that I think of that it was hilarious and so very gay at the same time.

2. When I was 8 I daydreamed of being naked with my best friend of the same age. I don't think it was completely innocent because I was too nervous to suggest that game. My heart was beating fast when around her, at the time I just thought our friendship was so awesome that it made everything more exciting. Now I see that I actually liked her a lot. Eventually when I did find the courage to mention the game, she accused me of being a lesbian and I felt that if I were, it would destroy our relationship plus it was probably a bad thing, so I convinced her I wasn't. I also silently from that day on didn't allow myself to be lesbian. From this day onward, this suspicion was like white noise in the background of all romantic-related thoughts.

3. I was never as excited as my friends about handsome guys in my teens. I did notice them, I did want to try something but as soon as sex was suggested for real, I found a way to get out. At first I thought this was just me not being ready, then my parents started giving me crap for not being interested in dating anyone. I have to mention that I was rather depressed at the time due to family problems and since I could not face them at the time, I thought I was mentally ill or something. I took all the blame, apparently I was too picky, too independent, I scared men off. I envied my friends who could form relationships that included affection and intimacy, even when they ended badly. I couldn't even have a bad relationship. I felt guilty for the relief I experienced once I stopped dating each guy.

4. From prepubescence throughout all my teen years I watched lesbian porn. At first I didn't even admit to myself I liked what I saw. At some point I scolded myself for looking at these women like a man would. But through it all I was firmly convinced I was straight and this was just a phase it would pass as soon as I found the right guy.

5. I tried making myself like the men I dated. I initiated kissing but felt uncomfortable with groping. Eventually I stopped accepting dating suggestions. Then for the sake of not being a virgin, I dated a man and had intercourse. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be but I wasn't attracted to him in the same way he was attracted me. I didn't fantasize about him when we were apart. Once I realized he wanted things to get serious in the first month of dating, I remember thinking 'But if we stay together, I'll never be with a woman' and that made me incredibly sad. I was expecting that sex with a man would make these thoughts disappear but they became even stronger. Eventually I broke up with him too. That was a year ago. I still cling to some vague hope that maybe I'm bisexual and I haven't found the right guy. I had what I thought to be crushes on some men and even a strong emotional bond with a man I met online so this only confused me more. Thinking I'm lesbian clashes with what society has taught me is a viable option, it minimizes my chances for a successful career and feels more like bad luck than anything. I know this isn't my fault and is probably a sign of low-self esteem and internalized homophobia but it's hard to see things as they really are with that mindset.

Thank you again this has been very useful to me!

 

At 6 I realized I wasn't like other boys

At 10-11 I realized the boys were right, I really did act like a girl and was quite happy doing so.

By 13 I had become actively and willingly sexually active, often with males several years older than me and always as the passive receiving partner.
Between 13 and 19 these relationships were conducted in private and never publicly disclosed, acknowledged, or admitted to even under questioning.

By 20 everyone that really knew anything about me knew that I and the male Best Friend I had at any given time were involved in some sort of a sexual relationship and his circle of friends and acquaintances male and female became mine as well.
Like many or even most effeminate individuals I was not in a habit of keeping a large personal circle of friends on my own.

In later life I had a long term platonic relationship with a masculine lesbian.
While emotionally satisfying the relationship did nothing to satisfy either partners deeper sexual needs which were met quietly and privately by both partners outside of the commitment to each other.
Fem as I am, I have zero desire to be or experience sex as a lesbian.

And so it goes.

 

Here’s my list:

1. Elementary School- I never wanted to be around boys when I was younger. I did want to be around girls and I wanted them to pay attention to me.

2. Middle School - my friends were starting to discover boys and I didn’t understand what the big deal was. I still didn’t want to be around them.

3. High School - At 16 I went on my first date with a boy. I felt nothing. Then I got my first boyfriend shortly after, I did not like when he kissed me or touched me but I liked going to his house because I got to see his older sister. I also always wanted the female teaches to notice me and pay attention to me.

4. TV Shows and Musicians- If they weren’t female I wasn’t interested. I watched Bionic Woman, Charlie’s Angels, Cagney and Lacy and Hunter but only because of DeeDee McCall who was played by Stefanie Kramer. I listened to Cyndi Lauper, Tina Turner, Madonna, Cher ect (you all can probably guess my age now)

5. Friendships with women- I would become very upset when a girl friend of mine would pick a date with a guy over spending time with me. And I wanted to be with my friends all the time.

6. Work Friends as a teenager - I was always hanging around married women about 10 years older then me, having dinner at their house, visiting them - at the time I didn’t realize it was because I had a crush on them.

7. College Years - I went to spring break with my friend to an island. She and I shared a room, I had to tell myself not to look at her when she changed. She wore my sweatpants and sweatshirt. They smelled like her and I didn’t wash them for months because I didn’t want that smell to go away.

8. College Professor- My business professor in college was 10 years older than me. I found every reason I could to go to her office during her office time. A guy I went to high school with that was in my class noticed my attraction to her and started saying I was a lesbian. I denied it and said I didn’t even like her as a teacher. She and I became friends after I graduated and I would house sit for her and her husband when they went on vacation. I would go to her house to visit. I wanted to be near her.

9. Gifts - Every female friend I had I wanted to buy gifts for or help them out financially. I wanted to take care of them.

10. Final Acceptance- I have been married to a man for 18 years and did not have female friends for the first 11 years. I became friends with a woman in the workplace about 7 years ago. We became very close and I was again trying to help her financially, buying her presents and her kids presents, thrived on her telling me she was upset with her husband and me wanting to fix things for her and telling her to leave him because she needed to be treated better and I never liked him. Being in my office and finding every reason I could to go to hers. Wanting to touch her hand or arm or finding a reason to hug her. Then we made plans for my birthday and the night before she cancelled and said her husband didn’t want her to go. I was devastated, sobbing, angry and an emotional wreak. Then I tried to think of why I was so upset and that’s when I realized I was in love with her and my whole life finally made sense. It’s been over a year now since that happened. She now knows I am gay because I told her and she told me the reason why her husband didn’t want her to go with me was because he thought I had a thing for her. He knew before I did. She doesn’t reciprocate my feelings and although I still have her as a friend it’s still hard for me to be around her.

There’s more but those are the highlights.

 

I remember during high school allways saying i fancied the same boys my friends did just so i fit in. I would do stuiped things wit boys for attention so i was normal . I never really had boy friends but would say i liked sum1 knowing they would not go out wit me lol.i met my husband when i was 24 all my friends had long term boyfriends by this time so thought i should just go wit it again to fit in wit every1

 

I had that same process as a kid as well. Thinking life would be easier if I were just born a girl.
It's strange how I always felt I was more "evolved" than my male peers and THAT was why I didn't seem to lust after girls as they seemed to.
For me, I remember being completely enamored with Christian Slater when I was like 13.
Fell for a male friend at 16, when was 18-19 I had posters of Brad Pitt, Gavin Rossdale, and Eddie Vedder completely covering my walls.
Unfortunately, I lacked the courage to just fully pursue being out back then. It was pretty obvious I was gay

 

Not in order of importance or care for people to see, I just wanted to get my thoughts written out as the author of the thread did.


1) Internalized homophobia, a lot of my straight friends could joke around about “gay stuff.” I always felt really uncomfortable when comfronted with anything homosexual and had an audience to witness my reaction.

2) I enjoyed watching sports not because of the love of the game but I did enjoy a good football butt.

3) This is difficult to describe but when ever an outgoing male came into the picture. I found myself attracted to the way he carried himself, how he treated people, how he told a joke. Don’t get me wrong looks have something to do with it, the atttraction to the male persona is what did it for me. I guess I hid it away, but all those times I caught myself laughing when all the girls did at a guys joke or getting bashful around attractive men.

3) this may be stereotyping (well it kinda is but I think it is important) I could always relate to females better. I can’t say I was super into shopping or fashion, but I felt more comfortable being around them when there wasn’t pressure to be straight.

Still confused but pretty sure I am at least bi, which may be why I still have trouble seeing the signs.

 

Oh man...reading some of these puts a knowing smile on my face.

My story in a nutshell; 29 year old female, been in 2 long term relationships with straight men over the last 11 years. Always had those feelings towards women that I would dismiss, but recently it has become so very overpowering that I cannot ignore it anymore. Never been with a woman, not even kissed one. About to start a new chapter in my life and am excited with what the future holds.

I can't believe how many signs I ignored over the years, it's so glaringly obvious looking back! Here are a few of mine, sorry for the length but I'm finding it quite cathartic writing all of it down:

- I've always been a bit of a tomboy. I felt a bit sad when I went to high school and felt I had to be like "other" girls and be more feminine. It was like I was shutting out a part of who I am.

- I appreciated attractiveness in men, but that passion was never really there for them. Women however...it felt like a primal, lustful takeover that I kept shoving deeper and deeper whenever I felt it due to the kind of community I grew up in (backwards, small-town people).

- When I was around 14 I went to a sleepover and was lying on the floor on my back, a wall to my left and a girl to my right (who I had a major crush on). I couldn't sleep knowing she was so close to me, so I rolled over to face the wall and shuffled as close to it as I could. Then, this girl rolls over towards me and she's incredibly close...my heart was exploding in my chest and my eyes were wide with a mixture of utter fear and also hope. Nothing happened but I didn't sleep all night haha.

- Around the same age I had a MAJOR crush on my English teacher. She was beautiful, intelligent but also absolutely hilarious. I used to go out of my way to get her to notice me, and felt incredible whenever she picked me to do something.

- My sister asked if I was a lesbian when I was around 12 years old, but not in a curious way. More like in an accusing way, as if it was wrong. I got really, really angry.

- At university I lived in the same block as this girl who was out and in a relationship. Whenever I saw them together I felt jealous and sad, as if I was missing out. Same applies to any LGBT events that the uni were throwing.

- I remember in uni being part of my college's committee and on one social the LGBT rep ran up to me drunk, grabbed me around my waist and picked me up. She planted a kiss on my cheek and said I was cute. I almost died on the spot.

- I had a part time job at HMV whilst in uni, and a girl who I found super attractive worked there. I used to throw glances her way whenever I was on the doors greeting customers and she was at the counter. I was always trying to make her laugh or helping her with things.

- I have had some of the best nights out of my life in gay bars. Nothing sexual at all, just the feeling of not being judged and not giving a shit myself made them incredibly freeing nights.

- Whenever I talk to women who I find attractive I make an absolute fool of myself, it's really bad! I get nervous and ramble, it's a bit pathetic.

- Recently I went to a music festival with a group of friends. I was late arriving and when I did most of the group were pretty drunk. One girl who's part of the group (she is married to a man who was also present) kept saying really suggestive/flirty things to me. I have to say, I loved the attention from her but kept her at a safe distance. She kept telling me that her husband was ok with her getting off with others as long as they were girls. I'm glad I was sober, as I'm sure otherwise I would have taken her word alone as permission and things would have been messy.

- Over the years, every chance I get to watch anything on TV/youtube etc. that has even a vague hint of a lesbian/bi theme to it I will watch it haha.

- This may be a stereotype but I've always fantasised being in a relationship where I am the one taking care of the other, being the protector. I feel like it would come very naturally to me, but having been in two long term relationships with straight men I never got to be that person as they found it emasculating.

I am sure there are more!

 

Same here. I wanted things to be different and I was offended when they were always the one paying, the ones protecting, the ones holding me and on the sexual domain, the ones penetrating.

This makes me question the possibility I could be in a relationship with a guy. When I expressed how I felt to my dates, they were confused and even hostile to the idea of another dynamic. I think most of them felt they had to be the 'man' and that me asking for a different role made them feel like I was trying to be that. But I didn't do that to annoy them and push them away. It's how I react instinctively when in a romantic relationship. You give, I receive, then we switch roles, I give you receive. I don't think most men really get that or want that though.

 

This, yes! I’m definitely much more femme and like being feminine, but I remember having these thoughts and feelings and being angry toward men who felt emasculated when I expressed this.

Interesting, I was chased and eventually harassed by a stone butch who was similar to a man in that she refused to be touched or penetrated (I refused to sleep with her— she told me). Another situation was a fiend who said she only liked when her female partners performed on her (essentially a pillow princess). I imagine people like that and those relationships, but I would rather something reciprocal.

 

Okay I'll add mine.

- In elementary school I had a female best friend who I was obsessed with. I wanted to be with her all the time and got jealous anytime she'd hang out with other girls.

- A few years later this same girl and I kissed, it wasn't an experiment, I got excited over something and kissed her. I wanted to keep kissing her and it felt right to me, until her little sister caught us and screamed out loud to the whole house we were kissing. We stopped being friends shortly after that incident. But maybe it was for the best, she seemed super homophobic.

- Speaking of school I was teased a lot. Maybe it was the fact I was the 'Teacher's Pet' or maybe it was the kids knew I was different, or even they were different and just found me an easy target.

- As a teen I watched a ton of classic re-runs. I was obsessed with The Facts of Life (now I understand why I liked Blair so much!) and both the TV Show Charlie's Angels and the movies - I had a big Drew Barrymore obsession back in the day as well. I also loved Tracy Gold from Growing Pains, I assumed it was because I wanted to be smart like her character Carol Seaver!

- I'd watch a TV Show or Movie just because there was a lesbian character/story-line. Well, I still do that!

- And the one red flag that really should've done it: I used to be obsessed with The Spice Girls, Emma was my favorite. Once when I was looking through a celebrity gossip magazine I saw a picture of her and her boyfriend kissing in a pool at a hotel (don't ask why I remember that exactly) and I got so upset I slammed the magazine shut. I thought I was upset because I didn't have a boyfriend, boy was I wrong!