20 year old female. I’ve been questioning my sexuality for over four months now. I’ve worked through a lot of stuff and now I just don’t know where I stand. I *think* I’ve been very much in denial my whole life. About a year ago I started watching a lot of political and queer creators online/YouTube in an effort to become more politically engaged and learn about other minority groups. This is sort of when I think I began opening my mind a little more – not that I was a bigot at all before. I don’t know if this helped me get to a place where I would be able to entertain the idea of being gay (that being gay wasn’t just a big joke), or if I’m just trying to be cool and be part of this community. The tipping point was that I developed this huge crush on a non-binary YouTuber who then came out as a trans woman and I thought that meant my crush would disappear but it got worse as she started presenting female but I increasingly liked her/her appearance more. Also watching drag race, I was so much more into them when presenting female. And just having so many female celebrity crushes. I struggle to use the word ‘attraction’ because I don’t know if it is or if I just admire them/want to be them. One day it just clicked and I was like ‘maybe you’re attracted to women’ and it did make a lot of sense. I had been wishing I was a lesbian for a little while at this point. I have been obsessed with certain females in my real life but I never considered it attraction? I just thought I admired them or wanted to be them or really wanted to be their friend. But I've never had this with men except if I've picked my male crushes at random/switched on my attraction if they showed interest (but didn't know what I'd do if they actually reciprocated), or if they were fictional. I have much more clarity about my lack of attraction to men. I honestly don’t think I’m aro/ace – for now anyway, I’ll consider that as a last resort way down the line. I can picture myself marrying a woman and having a girlfriend and being a lesbian and I desperately want to be gay. I thought I was fine and happy when I thought I was straight, I thought I would just eventually get a male partner even if the thought of it was totally exhausting and sad to me. I thought it was what I wanted. And when I realised being gay was an option I was *so* happy, I can’t even describe it. It makes me feel like I could have a really happy life. I just feel like maybe I’m faking it because I’m so useless at connecting with men? Maybe I’m just wanting this because I find women easier to connect with (all my friends are female) so I think it would be easier? Maybe I do just want to be cool and in the LGBT community and that makes me feel like such a terrible person. I feel literally insane when I wonder if I’ve made this whole thing up just as an escape or an excuse for being a loser who's never had a boyfriend and can't connect with men - even though I've never had a natural urge to connect with men. My biggest roadblock is that I can’t imagine, right now, developing feelings for a woman because this hasn’t happened to me in a while now (I socialise a lot less). I worry that I won’t or can’t and that that life I imagine (settling down with a woman) isn’t accessible to me. Other lesbians seem to just be overflowing with crushes and feelings for women. Most questioning lesbians seem to be struggling with comp het or internalised homophobia but I feel like I’ve worked through all that. Overall I’m not scared of being gay (as in - I'm ready to accept it, I know it won't be the easiest life), I really really want to be gay. I just want to know for sure. I feel like a fraud because I just don’t *know* right now. I’ve never been able to really recognise my past crushes on women in the moment (I think they were crushes but I can’t be sure) so I lack clarity on what a crush feels like or what attraction should feel like (my infatuation with celebrity/real/fictional females feels good whereas my crushes on men are kind of forced and stressful). I don’t know how to differentiate between gay feelings and the feelings for women that straight girls get (like girl crushes, thinking women are pretty, having idols etc.) I don’t want anything to do with men, I don’t think I’m ace-spec so where does that leave me?
First of all, I can relate. When I was 20 i began questioning my sexuality. I had never been with a guy in any capacity, or a girl. For a year I was kind of in a similar spot. I think people get to a point after so much introspection where it just becomes overwhelming. I constantly was trying to examine everything that I did and deciphering how gay it was/wasn't. I tried to think about everything in my past to find an explanation. Eventually I just told myself, "you know what, If you want to date women, you can date women. If you want to have sex with women, you can have sex with women. If you feel this overwhelming attraction to woman and you think you are a lesbian, you are probably a lesbian". . I then came out slowly to mostly everyone who mattered to me. So i consider myself gay but sometimes i have these days where i just fell "less gay" for a lack of a better term and its these days when i literally question everything and feel like I'm faking it. I honestly don't always feel completely comfortable with the term lesbian, though I do about 90 percent of the time. At first I wouldn't let myself think about it. It was like, "well, you came out, you're gay, deal with it". I have not had any sexual attraction to men in the last 2 years, but I my sexual attraction to women definitely shifts, while still remaining on the gay side of the spectrum. I don't know if this is helpful, I feel like i am rambling at this point. But my bottom line is that I also wanted to a lesbian, I wanted a wife, I was physically attracted to woman, I wanted to come home to the woman i loved, so came out as a lesbian. If you aren't certain whether the feeling you have are platonic or more than that, from my experience, they are probably more than platonic. But labeling ourselves starts to do more harm than good, when we confine ourselves and our feelings to said label. But really, there will never be a big sign that tells you you are or aren't gay, you have to sort it out yourself. I just came out when i felt comfortable 'enough' that i wasn't straight, so if you know for sure you don't want anything with a man, thats a start. Sexuality is a messy thing for some people, it is not black and white, but overtime i have gotten more confident with what makes me gay and what sometimes makes me feel like I'm "faking" it. Yeah, I'm more than likely never sleeping with a guy and I'm more than likely going to marry a girl. But for me, at least, I am not "overflowing" with crushes and stuff, in fact I yet to do anything physically with a woman, I just like girls and want to be with one over a man any day. And even though I claim the title of lesbian, Its important for me that I let myself just go with the flow in terms of sexuality and stay true to myself.
Hey my story has definite similarities with yours, so you are definitely not alone. I thought I was straight until I was in my mid 20's and all of a sudden had a revelation that maybe I was gay. I can only develop feelings for people who I get to know and I think that is part of why it took me so long to figure it out. Sure there are people who's looks catch my eye but I never used to imagine kissing them or stuff like that so figuring everything out took me a while. I can't tell you what your sexual orientation is but to me it definitely sounds as though you like girls.
I am in the exact same spot as you are right now. For a long time i felt like i was repressing a side of my sexuality and i felt like a fraud acting straight when i felt some kind of unease around gay related stuff that made me think that i was in denial (otherwise i just wouldn't care, wouldn't i ?). But lastly i started to embrace the possibility that i could be gay and i did pintpoint some same-sex fantasies that i would like to try. The thing is now that i embraced that side of me i dont feel that uneasy feeling anymore and my attraction to men are close to non-existent in real life but now i feel like i kinda want to be gay. So i am asking myself the same question : Am i gay or am i just tired of being bad at being straight ?
Oh, I've been there. I still wonder about this sometimes. I'm basically at the point where "gay" is just a useful adjective for lack of a better term instead of a label.
