Sexuality topic

I am trying hrt first, right now I'm just waiting my permission from the committee to be able to start at all.

I've come here to this point a long way. At first to start I just tried going gender neutral, but it didn't work at all. It just gave me a panic attack, but being in this body creates a lot of dysphoria, mostly it feels like all of your insides and skin gets tighter and tighter and it's an awful feeling. You just live with that daily. Sometimes it's stronger, sometimes weaker. Your own body is your enemy.

It all begun, because I imagined what if it would be like to be a guy and gay after I buried the lesbian thoughts questioning phase. It was romantic to me. Forbidden love. This was a trigger to my self discovery. I've gone around like that from the day I discovered myself. I went through labels from straight to polysexual. Never settling on anything. Bisexual label felt so uncomfortable to use for some reason, though it would fit, but somehow it felt like I'd be missing out. I had a deeper desire. This part makes me have emotional feelings.

This is something that causes me fear. I'm quite scared about that response to my changes.

I think there is lingering inner transphobia/homophoba still left within me, when it comes to all of this.

The thoughts of pregnancy causes me dysphoria, though I'm longing for it, but I don't wish to give my bad genetics to anyone. No one deserves this.

I think of penis (lets just name them with correct names. I don't get why it makes me so uncomfortable) as something that makes you feel good and it creates a deeper connection to the other person. With a vagina I feel like this is something I can't achieve. Pregnancy is something I don't want, even if I'm longing to nurture a life.

I think I have unrealistic expectations how gay relationships are like.

Imagination is what led me to self discovery.

 

I used to read a lot of boys love manga and novels and whenever I read something or dream it runs in my head like a movie. It all was a way for me to escape from everyday reality. I did read quite disturbing and toxic stuff too. Whenever I read about the sex scenes between men I always imagined myself there instead. I just yesterday realized I never imagined myself as a female. I mostly imagined myself to be quite gender neutral or I was the man in that sex scene in my head. This is what lead me to question my gender too. I started thinking how it would be like to be in a man's body and then it went how it would feel like to transform into a guy and then it escalated to question what if I am a man. It at first sounded truly riddiculous thought to me.

 

I think it depends on the contect. Of course fantasy is different to reality and you can't really go deeper, unless you can analyze the characters and bring psychology in it, so to me it seemed toxic and many others who had read some of this stuff all said the same. This is different world. I no longer am part of it though. After deppression hit I couldn't read a single page from these manga and novels anymore. There was a blockage and I haven't gone back to this hobby. Now I write myself instead.

A lot my advice, when I started on EC was based on fiction, but people are the ones who come up with these fictions, so many of the scenarious can play out like that in real life. Later I started to approach it all more scientifically.

This all just validates my feelings more. I don't need outside validation, when it comes to gender, because dysphoria and other memories validate my feelings most.