So I've been questioning my sexual orientation for about 3 years and I don't feel like I have come any closer to figuring it out. I consume so much queer media but I don't feel like it is helping me figure things out. I'll quickly relay my story and hopefully someone will have some advice for me. So just before I left for college (literally a week before) I was at my goodbye party with some friends (half queer half straight). We got onto the topic of LGBTQ+ somehow and my brain started panicking and I just couldn't keep up with the conversation. Anyways, someone asked me if I am straight and my mind went blank and I hesitated then forced myself to say yes but it came out sounding like a question. Then someone said that two girls in my class like me to which I panicked even more (trying to look calm and not let on that my brain was not functioning). I had never really considered that I might not be straight before but after that moment my world exploded (in like a what is happening to me way rather than enjoyment). Anyways, I then left for college, leaving the two people I told and my mostly queer friend group behind. My college friends are not queer at all (as far as I am aware) which has made it difficult because I have no one to talk to about it and I feel like I have to hide so much more because I don't want people to ask me (the highschool people I have told all say they knew before I told them which makes me so scared that people will ask and I'll freeze again). Now I am less anxious about it (most of the time) but it still creates this awful tension in me of wanting to know the answers but also feeling too overwhelmed to be able to figure it out. The funny thing is that my friends and I talk about LGBTQ+ stuff all of the time, it's just that I can never turn the attention to that part of my life. Sorry this is so long, just had to get it out. Idk what help I am looking for. I guess it would be nice to hear if people have gone through similar experiences and have advice on how to figure it out because I am so lost at this point.
Hi. You’ve not said what it is specifically that you find attractive, but you’re presumably straight but with some bi-curiosity? Are you into men as much as most straight women are, or do they not really do much for you? Do you fancy any specific women, or is it more of a general feeling? I’m not really great with the whole ‘questioning’ thing, I didn’t really discover my sexuality by thinking about it, stuff just kinda happened and I specifically avoided thinking about it until it was obvious that I really liked things I didn’t expect to like.
Honestly I don't really know how I feel. I am fairly confident that I am not straight but I'm just not really sure where my attraction lies which is what is so confusing. After freaking out for a bit after having my moment of revelation, I started to find people (I think mostly females but honestly it's been so long that I can't remember every person I had some sort of attraction to) attractive. I realized that I had never really felt attraction in the same way previously which I have always justified as me being too young prior. I had a boyfriend but was too scared to tell people so we never really did anything. Saying that, even now, I really feel that I loved him and want that feeling again. There have been a couple of girls that I've definitely felt stronger attraction to but idk what that means for me. Trust me, I've tried to avoid thinking about it as much as possible but it's become a bit overwhelming and I spend so much time watching videos, googling things, and thinking to try and figure it out. I'm tired. I'm fine with possibly not being straight but I just need an answer so I can move on from this.
i think social structure sorta dictates that we have labels. We use them to quickly categorize and group, but that approach can really fail us if we haven't actually arrived at a general label that mostly or somewhat fits us. i'd suggest a bottom up approach vs a top down approach. i.e., instead of looking for an overall identity label like "lesbian, straight, bi, etc.," start identifying the pieces of your self that want/need connection in relationship. Even make a list, or journal. What do you want/need intellectually with another? What do you want/need emotionally with another? What do you want/need physically with another? Sort of identify and organize the pieces of the puzzle that make you. Putting those together is a life long process i think, but i think the approach can help us start and begin to formulate a picture. i think relationship with others is part of that process. But instead, we often just dump the pieces to the puzzle onto a table and immediately wanna identify what it is. And it doesn't help that culture often gives us a preconceived picture of what we should be, and that can be confusing indeed when that is wrong.
That actually makes a lot of sense. The only time I have actually felt comfortable and genuinely content in this process was when one of my friends reassured me that labels aren't necessary and that I can just exist as a person. I was comfortable just existing until another friend came out to me after kinda just knowing their orientation (the whole process was less than 4 months). That sent me spiraling like what the hell I've been struggling for 1.5 years at that point and you just out of nowhere have an answer without that pain and mental turmoil. I know my journey is my own and I shouldn't compare but since then I haven't been able to regain the sense of peace I had when I was comfortable without labels. I like the puzzle piece analogy, it makes a lot of sense to me I'm just realizing that I am scared to actually think about the individual pieces and maybe I am not as okay with this whole not being straight thing as I thought.
If there is one thing I learned from being in the closet there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I spent an extensive time researching and learning about my sexuality to find the answers I seeked. However, I made little headway. I discovered all that knowledge remains static until you apply it to real life experience. It's Ok if you don't have all the answers. Just start somewhere and move forward and get some experience one baby step at a time while building momentum. Once you do, all that knowledge and experience will start clicking together. You don't need an answer to move on. Move on to find the answer.
