Coming out but still confused

Come out on your own time and own pace is there a specific person or people you want to come out too ?

 

The way I have always seen it, is that I don't feel the need to come out in order to get acceptance from others. I accept myself and thats enough for me. I accepted myself even when I wasn't sure - I don't think I've ever had the same intense need for answers that you have. I wasn't comfortable with the bisexual label for a long time, but I'm at ease with it now.

For me, the people that need to know I tell. The people that don't need to know, I don't tell. I don't do the whole rainbow thing, I've never been to pride, never fitted in with LGBTQ groups at university, I don't look "queer" and don't feel that is a word which describes me at all. I've just (just?) enjoyed intimacy with quite a few women (and far fewer men). I don't view my sexuality as a core part of my identity, but I accept that others do and if that works for them, I'm pleased for them.

If your 4 friends know and are supportive, you absolutely should talk to them about it if you think you will get some benefit from it.

 

You are the best judge, but I would trust your friends and start a dialogue. Friends are there to support us, right? It doesn't have to be anything like, "Hey, guess what, I'm gay!", or "I'm really into women". You could just talk about your feelings and likes. I would be less worried about "identifying" and focus on your feelings and ways you may want to act on those feelings.

If things don't go the way you hope when opening up, we're here to support you.

 

Personally, I have my own feelings on "coming out." I think it perpetuates a hetero-normative and CIS gendered lifestyle, which... statistically, is an unlikely outcome. Kinsey's studies, and those that followed, have done great work in highlighting sexuality as a spectrum. In fact, all human behavior exists on a continuum (a spectrum). And sure, you can label them all, but... the labels will always do little do identify the full breadth of a person.

So, in your situation, I would challenge you to ask, instead of "how do I identify?" I'd ask "What do I want, and what gives me happiness?"

If I'm being honest, I think the likelihood of people being "entirely straight" is pretty minimal. Almost all of my straight friends, when we've had a few, eventually come to the realization that they like girls because... well that they're supposed to do. And well, given the right opportunity with the right person... who knows?

So, if you want to come out, I think that's fabulous. But I would also suggest you give yourself some space and some room to learn that, once you're out, you may have different perspectives and different desires. Being out doesn't mean you have to be one or the other. Perhaps being out is just not conforming to the heteronormative life that society expected of you.

Now in the spirit of full disclosure. I refuse to "come out." I didn't come out as straight and so I won't come out as not straight. Maybe when society makes it a point of forcing hetero folks to come out as straight i might change my tune, but until then... The only one who needs to know my business me .

 

I had similar feelings in the past and it's in part why I stayed in the closet for so long. I was worried that If I came out or was exposed people would bombard me with questions and challenge me on whether I was gay or not, when I didn't have any substantial experience to back it up. In reality I just felt inferior and the potential threat of discrimination scared me. If I could go back in time I would tell my younger self there is no shame in beginning at the starting line.

I don't think coming out will resolve all of your pain. Accepting and discovering yourself is the main priority and coming out is second. If you're wanting to come out to more people, then I would just tell them you're still figuring things out and discovering yourself and just leave it at that. Enough said. There is no pressure to go into detail and talk about it. It's your business and no one else's.

However if you want to talk about it with your friends then I would just treat it like any other issue or problem you have confided with them in the past. The only difference is the subject matter. Friends are there to listen and support us.

 

Do you mean straight people would question you, or other gay people wouldn't take you seriously?

I've been bombarded with questions before, in group settings too. On a girl's night out, 3 drinks in the questions have gotten pretty intense, way over the line of what you would normal expect in polite company. Weirdly enough then I was probably more confident in myself then than I was in later years, after I got with my boyfriend, so I handled it pretty well. I would always respond in kind, I'd rather someone was uncomfortable with my answer than show any uncomfortableness about their questions. If I had been questioning feelings but didn't have any first hand experience to confirm my feelings it would have been more difficult I think.

 

To me, "coming out" is another way of saying transparency. Our sexuality is an intimate part of who we are. We want to be seen and valued for who we are, and we also want to have relationship with others. Relationship, as i see it, is connecting with others. i think most of our relationships involve connecting in select pieces or ways. We show our parents these select pieces, our friends another mix of pieces, coworkers another set, people we may work for or serve, yet another. Sure, those pieces get mixed and matched, but we rarely show exactly the same face to everyone.

Our sexuality is a more intimate part of us, and more vulnerable for a variety of complex reasons. Sharing our sexual identity is different from telling someone we like chocolate or a particular song. The end goal is not really completely different though, we are trying to connect.

Some people have rainbow flags, bumper stickers, affectations... all an effort to be out to others. It's an individual choice where, trying to simplify, we weigh the risk of rejection against the risk of being unseen and missing out on potential connection.

i work as a critical care nurse at a teaching hospital. There's a bunch of cute guys, and sometimes i wonder if i am being flirted with... i'm pretty open about who and how i am, but apparently i'm not obviously gay by social standards. i've come out to several people where i work, but somehow word doesn't seem to have gotten around because i still get approached by women asking me on dates, etc., and i once again find myself "coming out."

Part of me wonders if i had a neon sign, maybe some guys would be more open with me and there might be more open with me?

Being out increases the potential for connection. Being out also increases the potential threat for rejection.
How badly does one want/need to be seen and not be alone with this intimate part of their life is a big, and individual, factor. i don't think there is a one size fits all answer to this question. i think the answer is individual, custom made.

 

Both actually. I grew up in a very homophobic community and environment and I personally heard and saw gay men getting gay bashed in public, and watched as their entire life was destroyed in front of my eyes or heard about it second hand. I was also very effeminate back then and I got questioned by those kinds of people from time to time if I was gay or not like it was a witch hunt. Luckily I coasted under the radar. When I tried to come out in college ten yrs ago as Bicurious no one took me seriously because I had no experience and I was constantly told I was a waste of space or accused having ulterior motives. They would try to vet me and quickly condemn me. Ironically the only guys who took me seriously did have ulterior motives.

I often think if I had the confidence I do now, then my life would be completely different. I have been trying to adopt an attitude like yours. I would rather respond to questions with conviction than dare show them I'm uncomfortable and afraid. I should have stood up to the threats I faced and there was no reason to feel inferior in the first place.

 

When did you know you were Bisexual and not Bicurious ?